So how should we handle this one?

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joandarc2008

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OK, my df and I have had some pretty bad problems with my soon-to-be in-laws. More so his mother than his father. It’s all on another post and I would like to leave it where it is at this point. He has made the decision not to invite them to the wedding although he his inviting his daughter as an alter server, which she was supposed to read before but our deacon thought that was an even better idea. The problem with this is is that they have adopted her, long story, my df is not happy about it and didn’t want it but did what kept his daughter from being in the middle with the good faith that they would keep promises and his wishes would be respected. Not the case. We found out tonight his mother went as far as to go behind our backs to the deacon and priest doing our wedding and ask that it be stopped because it is “their” church. This is the church where my fiance was confirmed after traveling a very rough road and coming back to God. He was even confirmed privately by the priest with the Archbishop’s approval. Needless to say he is very close to this deacon and priest and have felt that closeness to them as well by proxy. His daughter won an award from the archdiocese for her altar serving at this church. It is a place where we have had some good memories. We could not think of another church we wanted to get married at or by another priest/deacon we wanted to do our counseling. No one else compared. We do not attend mass there weekly as it is a hike from where we live but we do get there about twice a month and attend mass elsewhere the other two Sundays. It was also this deacon that watched over my fiance in the divorce group and helped him through that process so that he could be whole enough to enter into a real sacrament. So here we are 25 days before the wedding and my future MIL has tried this. I am really trying not to have any anger but I do. I am praying on it. We want his daughter there so he probably won’t say anything until after the wedding. Needless to say the priest and deacon told her that we would not deny the sacrament to anyone who had gone through the process and we have. This has taken a whole new form of ugly. The physical, mental, and emotional abuse I have taken from MIL was enough. For her to attack on a spiritual level is a whole new ball game that I was not prepared for nor do I even know how to deal with. Sorry for my rambling.

God bless,
 
In one word… Gently.

It seems that it doesn’t take much to fester your future MIL’s wounds (real or imagined)(or her need to be in control). There is a tug-o-war for his daughter, and it is still going. I understand the feelings here (have had my own kids), but sometimes, what is good for the child (at this time) has to prevail. There is nothing wrong with her serving at your wedding (as far as the Church is concerned), but if it will further hurt the relationship due to MIL’s not thinking that way, it may be better to have the Priest ask that she be a server of the IL’s. Would they say no to him? If so, she is painting her own picture.

How she can tell the Priest to keep you out of ‘her’ church is beyond me… any Priest should see right through that for what it is. If it comes down to it and his daughter is held back, let it be. I say this for your benefit, for her benefit, and for the futures benefit. Do you think his daughter doesn’t know what is going on at her age… oh yes! And if his folks are doing to her as they did to him, they have not learned much from the experience except bitterness (not what God’s purpose is). You have said he has learned sweetness (so much that it HURTS!!!)(this is God’s purpose).

Yes, even God will not go against our free-will made choices… do you dare to where others are concerned??? With those that are entrusted to your care, you will have privileges and responsibilities for their care and upbringing. But with family and extended family you are dealing with free-will. The whole unit is functional in as far as all the member do their parts… if someone is head strong and defiant it can upset the balance. Your better response is not to confront but seek outside help (the Priest), if the defiant one still does not listen, walk away, you do not want to catch the same dis-ease as they have. Your fiancé had a struggle to get out of that quicksand, don’t give the MIL another sparring partner (she seems to enjoy it). Leave her to God to work on, just say your prayers for her.

Stay sweet! The fight is hers, leave it with her. In some circles it’s called ‘detached love’.
 
My df spke to the deacon yesterday. Since yesterday was pre-CANA we did not touch on this subject as we have had to set these ground rules so we can get out pre-CANA accomplished. Unfortunately our deacon doesn’t think much of her either. Neither does the priest but she is head of the children’s choir and he is a eucharistic minister. I have less of a problem with him. I believe due to sacramental loyalty and a little naivete he doesn’t know half of what she does. He is going to email his daughter and tell her the deacon suggested the change in role which he did due to her feeling “weird” that she wouldn’t be sitting with the grandparents at the wedding. This will take her mind off of who is not there and put it more on the sacrament which is the important part. The deacon does not know yet that we know the music director told us because my MIL bragged to him. I guess everyone is just trying to keep us at peace. At this point the next obstacle is Thanksgiving. My df and I talked last night. We have a post adoption agreement which gives us every other holiday. They have decided they are taking Christmas because her mother is coming down - We’re all for it she hasn’t seen her in two years. We are thinking of doing thanksgiving at our house in the keys. It would legally be our holiday and her father has not seen her in two months.

God bless,
 
Yes, ‘Peace’ is a marvelous thing.

Wedding prep has it’s own stress to it, and your a ‘short-timer’ here. Stick to one event at a time. Yes, they are close together, but, remember to do things in God’s time… he will prepare the way, you will know when the door opens for you to go in… if you stay tuned to His frequency.

The Church is assisting you on this… go along with them.

I do like your little postscript about religion/spirituality… and the difference. Do I sense some life experience here?!:clapping:
 
OK first of all, don’t feel bad!! 😦 hugs I have been dealing with my future MIL so much and so badly it drove me insane!! Just about…ugh…She doesn’t like me and even though my ability to ignore her and to continue showing respect, even though it hurts, has paid off!! I don’t really have to deal with her that much!! HAHA!! Anyhow, she isn’t coming to our wedding…At least she’s told me indirectly!! 🤷 And I have accepted it, oh well, her loss not mine! My honey isn’t leaving me just because of her! And his father loves me and I love him so I am ok with it!! 😃 I have no hard feelings for her…and even if she would attend and doesn’t want us to marry in “her” church, hello, like I CARE WHAT SHE THINKS OR WANTS?! My fiance has told me countless times, he loves his mother and father more than life itself but I am the one he has chosen and the one he wants to grow old with, so why would her actions, manipulation, wishes, threats, screams, or opinion count for him… If it makes me happy he states that’s all that matters because at the end of the day the one that will be by his side through thick and thin, sickness and health GOD willing will be me!! 😃

A mother will always be your mother, you know, just like mine, and I love her to death as well, but I too made my choice and I don’t care what they say or do…I will not let them ruin my wedding day when it comes…I will continue praising the Lord and hoping I do get married in our beautiful church, with or without my family or his…🤷 Sorry but I would like to expand my family and unless I am married to my honey it will not happen!! 😦 lol…So I will do this with or without their support…

The best thing I can tell you is pray for her, don’t let her ruin your life decision, or love at all, you just stick with your honey and go for it!! 😃 God bless!
 
Thank you all for your kind words - yes there is some life experience. My df at this point has all but detached from his parents except in issues dealing with his daughter. I think he was more outraged at this one than I was. We both take our relationship with God very seriously and for her to try and interfere with a sacrament was a major insult. The worst part of it is that she had been to my confirmation in March where my df sponsored me on Easter Vigil. To say that we are not a couple growing God’s blessing after seeing that…🤷 We thought maybe seeing those sacraments would help but they haven’t. The sad part for him I think is the biological parent is the one he is having so much trouble with - not the one that stayed with her after he affair. I will pray for her. I will also pray for my stepdaughter and hope that she does not influence in ways that cannot be undone later.

God bless,
 
As an add on, when Thanksgiving comes and the young one is there, listen to her with both ears. Try not to pry or have any disrespect for who she has to go back to (till she is of age). She too is a victim and needs all the love you two can give her in the short time you see her. She has to go back to that and live in that world for now… but at least she should know another type of world does exist, and where to find it.

Leave the other world where it is, and live in your world without any thought or curiosity of what is in the other one.

Hope you know what I mean…
 
It sounds as if there is a child who is being put in the middle of this battle.

As your boyfriend gave up his parental rights, he would be wise to step back and let the legal parents be the parents. It only tears a child in half to be pulled back and forth. He made his decision.

Because of this decision, this girl will not be your stepdaughter. She will be a SIL of sorts.

Please, everyone, put this childs well being in front of personality conflicts and infighting.
 
He really did not give up his parental rights willingly - he gave them up to stop her from being ripped in half when they showed that we would continue to file a motion, tell her the adoption was going to happen, that the adoption had to happen or she would never see them again, and drag us all into court in order just to have the law restated by a judge that they couldn’t do anything without his permission. The book of Kings covers this one quite well and thats what he did but not before getting a legally binding post adoption agreement which they have now broken. That is the tip of the iceberg to all of the other lies that she has been told about her father and I as well as her own mother. As far as my role in this, her mother asked me to be involved as she lives about 2000 miles away with her own brand new family. The situation is not great and we do back off. We do not talk badly about them to her, we do answer questions about us, life, religion, politics, the color of the sky, etc. We go to movies, the park, my family day with the military, etc. She has stated several times she WANTS to see us and spend time with us and that was one of the reasons for the agreement.

God bless,
 
Oh, in addition, we just tell her the only problem that she has is that there are too many people in the world that love her.

God bless,
 
It sounds like you have the right ideas in handling this ‘diffugalty’ (this is my word for things like this). How your home is it’s own little world where there is peace and harmony, caring and understanding, nurturing and love, individuals and growth; and most of all, lacking in control and manipulation. Kids are very perspective where what one says and what one does, if they are different, it’s spotted… they know! They also know when they are being manipulated for an elders benefit, rather then their own. Remember when you were young, you knew these things, although you couldn’t articulate them, they were understood in the heart, not reasoned in the mind (yet). Go ahead with this knowledge and be who you are when you are being it… let it flow from the inside (heart) out to the rest. Humm, this is a good way to live all the time, not just on special occasions.

Your “Oh, in addition, we just tell her the only problem that she has is that there are too many people in the world that love her.”, is nicely put. Although in reality it’s more like she is a pawn on the chessboard of life… some DO love her, some are using her… REMAIN one who lovers her and you will be doing God’s will for her, and you will also know His love as it flows through you to her.

I remember we are told not to participate in evil, but overcome it by love. In some personal relationships, it’s very tough to do… but not impossible.
 
Recipe for a happy occasion: Everyone goes to Confession prior to the Mass and all can recieve Holy Communion.!?! Some of your relatives not Catholic? Perhaps they will learn a little something about how we live this thing called Christianity. Can your gal help with the Nuptial Mass? Only in a protestant Church! Or perhaps from the pews same as the rest of the family. But that is just my opinion.

Peace,

Gail
 
GailMac said:
Recipe for a happy occasion: Everyone goes to Confession prior to the Mass and all can recieve Holy Communion.!?! Some of your relatives not Catholic? Perhaps they will learn a little something about how we live this thing called Christianity. Can your gal help with the Nuptial Mass? Only in a protestant Church! Or perhaps from the pews same as the rest of the family. But that is just my opinion.

Peace,

Gail
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His daughter is Catholic. She will be altar serving at this point unless the in-laws decide not to let her go out of spite. Regardless, I bought her a wedding gift that she will be able to hold on to either way. It is a ruby and gold cross to match the wedding colors. God bless,
 
Michael_David said:
It sounds like you have the right ideas in handling this ‘diffugalty’ (this is my word for things like this). How your home is it’s own little world where there is peace and harmony, caring and understanding, nurturing and love, individuals and growth; and most of all, lacking in control and manipulation. Kids are very perspective where what one says and what one does, if they are different, it’s spotted… they know! They also know when they are being manipulated for an elders benefit, rather then their own. Remember when you were young, you knew these things, although you couldn’t articulate them, they were understood in the heart, not reasoned in the mind (yet). Go ahead with this knowledge and be who you are when you are being it… let it flow from the inside (heart) out to the rest. Humm, this is a good way to live all the time, not just on special occasions.

Your “Oh, in addition, we just tell her the only problem that she has is that there are too many people in the world that love her.”, is nicely put. Although in reality it’s more like she is a pawn on the chessboard of life… some DO love her, some are using her… REMAIN one who lovers her and you will be doing God’s will for her, and you will also know His love as it flows through you to her.

I remember we are told not to participate in evil, but overcome it by love. In some personal relationships, it’s very tough to do… but not impossible.
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MichaelDavid, your guidance is always sought and well received. My df read this and I thought he was going to cry. Thanks again and God bless,
 
Joandarc, there is nothing wrong with shedding a tear or two when things are felt with empathy or compassion, it is that understanding heart coming to the surface. And yes, it is with life experience this happens.
I have a picture of the Sacred Heart and as a youngster often wondered why the Crown of Thorns was on it… took living life to know the answer to that… as your df also knows.

Sharing in Christ’s life with ours is a good thing for a Catholic to do, it is living the Faith today (personally) like He did in His time.

What more could one ask for…

PS: You are welcome.
 
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