So I just need to level with someone. I need help

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this is the same “logic” my husband used on me.
He said I’d have to pay HIM support since I was the one working,
no, not true
He said HE’D get the girls because he could prove I was a bad mom,
no, not true.

You wouldn’t lose you child,
No judge gives a child to a drunk.

Stop making excuses for him. My ex was all sweetness and light in public. Seemed accomplished, even compassionate. But that was all an act.

If he was as great as you NOW say he is, you wouldn’t be posting about “leveling” with someone.

You need to level with yourself.
 
You my friend are being duped. It seems to me that a divorce may be the answer here. Your husband sounds like the business he likes most is trying to rip people off for what they have.

If he doesn’t want children and you still do, you may have grounds for an annulment. He is, and sounds like he has been, taking you for a ride. And it is a a wild one. Time to move on.

I would start with a trial separation that had the demand that he get a full time job and keep it for one year before getting back together. Something tells me you won’t see him jump on the job idea.
 
He has always had employment…Yes, I’ve always been the breadwinner – but it wasn’t until this recent move that he decided to try his own business. He IS getting work and able to stay home in the afternoon with our son. But, he had some good, solid offers for jobs and he turned them down. He thinks that he will make more with his business. The problem is he has to buy or rent equipment and he’s doing that now…as he brings in some money. I see the possible upside to this – but it’s scary when we are THIS broke …I have so much outstanding debt that he doesn’t want me to pay back. True, I could avoid it by just letting it be charged off…but, it would sure make me feel better if I could pay it off and have that “settled as paid” on my credit.

As for the rest of it… let me explain.

The lawsuit stuff…if consuming me and him, as well. It is this constant fight…do I think we have a valid claim in both issues? Yes, I do. But they will fight and argue and it will cost MORE money to sue and prove a point than to just let it go…and realize we’ve had a rough go of it.

Honestly, I told my husband that we’ve had SUCH a rough time as of late, it’s made me rethink our entire community. I feel as if we should just pick up and start over in another state/city. We have been hit by it SO many times it’s gotten out of hand.

I know this probably sounds extreme, but we have moved 3 times in 6 months because of these housing problems AND I have had several people become backstabbers - I’m in a public type job and people know me and recognize me for my work…and people talk. The toxic stuff I’ve hit recently is killing me and making me paranoid.

My husband apparently got the realtor and the first landlord SO upset that he refused to fix the problem until we moved. LEGALLY he couldn’t do that…but because of the mold, we couldn’t stick around to fight it. it was in our son’s room.

But, then the second house becomes a toxic mess and the landlord got so angry that we called the city for help getting it fixed…then that led to the landlord locking us out of our house until repairs were made

Through all of this - I have had to be the fighter. I had to research the laws and solve the crisis for our family. My husband does a lot of complaining…but no solutions.

I think my biggest mistake has been fighting his battles for him. I am ruining my own name by being associated to this stuff…

In all fairness - it has been terribly stressful for ALL of us. But, I have really struggled the most with feeling so depressed and beat down. I have explained this several times to my husband and he just doesn’t seem to take it in…

I literally have panic attacks on and off when I think about this lawsuit. The landlord that he’s having sued – is now saying that they will go public with a story about how high maintence we are and considering I have a VERY public job…the lawsuit could make the media and I will be portrayed as someone who can’t pay their bills and dodges their obligations. I don’t think I can handle that…
 
BUDDYBUDDY25 said:

“He has always had employment…Yes, I’ve always been the breadwinner – but it wasn’t until this recent move that he decided to try his own business. He IS getting work and able to stay home in the afternoon with our son. But, he had some good, solid offers for jobs and he turned them down. He thinks that he will make more with his business. The problem is he has to buy or rent equipment and he’s doing that now…as he brings in some money. I see the possible upside to this – but it’s scary when we are THIS broke …I have so much outstanding debt that he doesn’t want me to pay back. True, I could avoid it by just letting it be charged off…but, it would sure make me feel better if I could pay it off and have that “settled as paid” on my credit.”

He has gross income, but what is he netting? Is it more than he would make at a 9-5 job?

I have a very bad feeling that his business expenses are probably sucking up much of his income, if not all of his income, plus a chunk of yours.

There’s got to be a reason why a family of three with one high earner and one medium earner is floundering financially.

“The lawsuit stuff…if consuming me and him, as well. It is this constant fight…do I think we have a valid claim in both issues? Yes, I do. But they will fight and argue and it will cost MORE money to sue and prove a point than to just let it go…and realize we’ve had a rough go of it.”

Of course.

A lawsuit is an awful waste of time and energy, unless the stakes are very high (i.e. they gave you cancer).

"My husband apparently got the realtor and the first landlord SO upset that he refused to fix the problem until we moved. LEGALLY he couldn’t do that…but because of the mold, we couldn’t stick around to fight it. it was in our son’s room.

“But, then the second house becomes a toxic mess and the landlord got so angry that we called the city for help getting it fixed…that the landlord locked out of our house.”

There’s one constant in all of your problems with landlords. Hint: It’s your husband.

I am pretty sure that he will antagonize your next landlord and you will have identical problems with them.

“I think my biggest mistake has been fighting his battles for him. I am ruining my own name by being associated to this stuff…”

Yes. Try to clean up your reputation and keep your fingerprints off your husband’s messes.

I like the idea of doing a separation for one year, during which time your husband needs to fend for himself financially, work full-time, and not run up debt or get into lawsuits (and you would need to check) and learn not to boo hoo via text all day. If he can do that for one full year, I think you’ll be OK.

You can date each other and do occasionally family stuff together for that year, but your finances will be separate.
 
So, who moves out? I can’t afford the house on my own – and childcare – and his apartment. What do we do to keep things somewhat stable for our son?

We moved into this LATEST home last month…I can’t move our son again. I don’t know how to pay the bills…and separate?

How do I solve that issue?

My husband will FLIP. He will not be okay…

Like the past, he will say do whatever you want…I won’t sue…I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do.

he will back off…but only temporarily…
 
BUDDYBUDDY25 said:
So, who moves out? I can’t afford the house on my own – and childcare – and his apartment. What do we do to keep things somewhat stable for our son?
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If you separate, you DON’T pay for his apartment. That’s his responsibility. Thousands make do on a lot less money than you make.
 
BUDDYBUDDY25 said:
So, who moves out? I can’t afford the house on my own – and childcare – and his apartment. What do we do to keep things somewhat stable for our son?

We moved into this LATEST home last month…I can’t move our son again. I don’t know how to pay the bills…and separate?

How do I solve that issue?

My husband will FLIP. He will not be okay…

Like the past, he will say do whatever you want…I won’t sue…I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do.

he will back off…but only temporarily…
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Really. It will be hard but not NEAR as hard as you WANT to make it:

YOU move out.
Let him worry about how to pay for the house.
You CAN afford your own apartment.
Your son can stay in the afterschool program most likely or stay with a friend for the couple of hours until you get home.
He has a history of saying whatever you want to hear, yes? Why would you fall for it time and again?
THE WHOLE PURPOSE IS TO GET HIM TO FLIP/
Turn over a new leaf. Change his ways. Flip? Yeah, certainly hope he does!
You argue with us, but you will not argue for your own life with him. Or for your son.
You said it yourself. Anything he promises you is temporary.
Why are you so keen to let him off of all the promises he made to you on your wedding day?
How is your refusal to seek a better situation for yourself and your son any different from his refusal to act like an adult? Both seem hopelessly self-serving. 🤷
 
pianistclare said:

“THE WHOLE PURPOSE IS TO GET HIM TO FLIP/”

Exactly.

Talk through this with a lawyer and a therapist (particularly in figuring out how to explain this all to your son). Ideally, you do a year’s worth of marriage counseling and both you and your husband spend a year learning to be adults again. You want a year of good behavior before getting back together.

Don’t be his mommy while you’re separated and don’t be his mommy again if you go back to normal married life together. You can explain to him that this year is his opportunity to demonstrate that he is a fully functioning adult. Your lawyer and your therapist (and perhaps an accountant) can help you figure out if things are going well enough to get back together again. Don’t do anything without clearing it first with your lawyer and your therapist.

A year is a really good number, I think. Anything less, and he could hold it together temporarily, but if he’s been a fully functional adult for a year, I think he can be a fully functional adult permanently.
 
I had an attorney tell me the last time I inquired… That I should never leave the home with or without the child.

And that I would never be able to get sole custody without serious evidence of abuse and I don’t have that. So no matter what… I would have to figure out how to pay for our lease and childcare on my own. Otherwise I will get evicted … And probably sued for the list rent.

It’s a process. And it is very scary. Yes, it is possible. But it is very worrisome.
 
BUDDYBUDDY25 said;

“I had an attorney tell me the last time I inquired… That I should never leave the home with or without the child”

What was the attorney’s explanation of that rule?

Also, wouldn’t there be somewhat different guidelines once legal separation has taken place?

“And that I would never be able to get sole custody without serious evidence of abuse and I don’t have that. So no matter what… I would have to figure out how to pay for our lease and childcare on my own. Otherwise I will get evicted … And probably sued for the list rent.”

How long is your current lease?

Also, how much has your husband been contributing to household expenses?

Bear in mind that if you don’t get sole custody, you won’t be solely responsible for childcare. Joint custody means joint responsibility for childcare.
 
BUDDYBUDDY25 said:
I had an attorney tell me the last time I inquired… That I should never leave the home with or without the child.

And that I would never be able to get sole custody without serious evidence of abuse and I don’t have that. So no matter what… I would have to figure out how to pay for our lease and childcare on my own. Otherwise I will get evicted … And probably sued for the list rent.

It’s a process. And it is very scary. Yes, it is possible. But it is very worrisome.
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The attorney is more worried about your credit than about you, your sanity, or your child.
Get another attorney.
You seem to have an answer for everything. But yet you keep insisting that the situation is intolerable.
You don’t think you would get sole custody? He’s unemployed, you’re not.
He’s a heavy drinker, you’re holding the home together.
He’s a hot head, you’re not (we suppose).
Honestly, none of your points hold water.
You don’t like your marriage. We got it.
You don’t want it to change. Got it.
Your son is at risk.
You don’t seem to get that.
I speak from experience. You can stay. And count on spending a huge chunk of your salary on therapy for the boy when he’s a teen, angry, confused, poor self image, not respecting you (he has learned that you do not deserve respect already)…
Pay now, or pay later. But your son will pay the ultimate price.
I know from experience.
 
I understand - and I promise you – I’m not fighting you or disagreeing.

I think my point is…is that I have a lot to deal with…and I definitely want to be careful and guarded with my future.

My previous therapist told me that it sounded like my husband and I lived in “reaction” …that we are constantly reacting to problems and bouncing all over the place…

The housing situations are really good examples. Looking back, had I just taken my Landlord to court and FORCED him to fix the mold issue - I would not have had to deal with all the subsequent drama. But, instead I am bouncing around like a ping pong ball.

I hear you loud and clear that I will have to pay in the end if my son is damaged – but you have to realize that I am seeing this through rose colored glassed. To you – it sounds extreme (as I read this)…but to me, I think – well he’s not being beaten or abused…so the church says I should just stick it out. These are the voices in my head…thanks to my strong and STRICT Catholic upbringing…

I promise you I appreciate the support and guidance here and I will take it with me as I move forward. I am grateful.
 
BUDDYBUDDY25 said:
I understand - and I promise you – I’m not fighting you or disagreeing.

I think my point is…is that I have a lot to deal with…and I definitely want to be careful and guarded with my future.

My previous therapist told me that it sounded like my husband and I lived in “reaction” …that we are constantly reacting to problems and bouncing all over the place…

The housing situations are really good examples. Looking back, had I just taken my Landlord to court and FORCED him to fix the mold issue - I would not have had to deal with all the subsequent drama. But, instead I am bouncing around like a ping pong ball.

I hear you loud and clear that I will have to pay in the end if my son is damaged – but you have to realize that I am seeing this through rose colored glassed. To you – it sounds extreme (as I read this)…but to me, I think – well he’s not being beaten or abused…so the church says I should just stick it out. These are the voices in my head…thanks to my strong and STRICT Catholic upbringing…

I promise you I appreciate the support and guidance here and I will take it with me as I move forward. I am grateful.
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We are called to be an example to our children.
I do not recall the Church expecting one to live in any form of abuse. Yes abuse. You are being abused. You may not have any visible scars, but they are there, and bleeding profusely from where I sit. trust me, there are not enough Band-Aids in the world.
The fights that the two of you have are written on that child’s heart. It changes who he is. It marks him and is something that can never be erased. Lessened, put in perspective once he is an adult, but never erased.
God bless you. You need to get a plan.
No one is saying you get a divorce. But a separation would force change of some intolerable habits from both of you. And it would put the little boy in a calmer environment.
That’s the goal. Peace for that child.
 
PietroPaolo said:
Not exactly. Christ, in Mark 10, says, "But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. "For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and the two shall become one flesh; consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Divorce is impossible. Plain and simple. Marrying a “divorced” person is gravely sinful because they are still married, divorce being impossible.

The Church recognizes the unfortunate necessity that some couple under certain conditions might not be able to live together, but they are not divorced.
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Sorry but in a case like this the Church needs to allow an annulment. If they don’t want to do that they should live with this guy and provide the money she needs to pay off the dept. Bet that changes things fast.

I fully believe in marriages and having them work. But when you have a partner, male or female that is obviously not meeting their obligations, or who is abusive, it is time to call it off. No one should have to live with a fool like this.
 
Could this be my fault? I mean, I worry that I’m.unstable too. I’m so scared of making the wrong decision … I don’t really make any decisions

I guess I just don’t want to place all blame on him as I think I am responsible too.

I often look at other couples and wonder …in most relationships… If the mom says that she’d like to downsize and reduce work and allow husband to take the reins… Do they normally get support ?

I wanted to go back to law school a few years ago and my husband nearly had a heart attack. Never would I be able to take the financial back seat.
 
BUDDYBUDDY25 said:
Could this be my fault? I mean, I worry that I’m.unstable too. I’m so scared of making the wrong decision … I don’t really make any decisions

I guess I just don’t want to place all blame on him as I think I am responsible too.

I often look at other couples and wonder …in most relationships… If the mom says that she’d like to downsize and reduce work and allow husband to take the reins… Do they normally get support ?

I wanted to go back to law school a few years ago and my husband nearly had a heart attack. Never would I be able to take the financial back seat.
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We get that you don’t want to make decisions, I think that’s pretty clear.
It’s not about BLAME. Sheesh. You are both responsible for this mess. Him for creating it and you for feeding the fire.
Yes, normal couples work in concert. One does not dominate the other.
Marriage is not 50-50. It’s 100-100.
You are already in the back seat. Big time.
If it’s abut money, you need to stop writing.
 
It isn’t about money. But I do want to keep my son’s life stable. I’m very very concerned about upsetting his life … I feel selfish in acting. But I now see that this really isn’t just about me.

My husband has told me in the past that he thinks that I believe he’s not good enough for me. And that’s what has been eating at me.

But it’s been over a month since he has even touched me. He has to know this is the reality … Right?
 
In your situation, this is what I’d know:
that my husband doesn’t love me, he loves himself;
that I am a convenience to him he is not willing to genuinely invest in but not willing to let go because I’m a convenience.
Even if I was too afraid to do definite research or make genuine moves to extricate my son and myself, I would be certain my husband doesn’t love me and perhaps is incapable of genuine love of another/of me.
I don’t think any sentimental move or pseudo-conciliatory action or discussion of his, would be enough to convince me after all the evidence to the contrary.

The question would be then, will I swallow all that and continue regardless, complaining to others when I can’t stand it any more.
I think that’s what I’d think if I could manage to think clearly enough.

May God guide you, and may God protect your son.
 
It’s probably crazy to say this… But I do believe he loves me in his own way. And I stay because of that. I think… Well, he’s not a BAD person …he has his faults , like we all do.

The problem is I spend most of my time wondering what it would be like without him… With a man who really wants to take care of me etc. a very bright man who has his cra@ together.

What does he want for me? He says often that all he wants is for me to be happy… And he tries to accomplish that by making me dinners and running errands …etc.
 
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