So I just need to level with someone. I need help

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BUDDYBUDDY25 said:

“We really have been through it all. I am going to talk to the therapist tomorrow and I wonder how to even begin? Right now…DH is working…but getting us into lawsuits…”

Do his earnings even begin to cover the legal fees he is running up?

“Again - I think that my husband has some good qualities too…but as someone once said here… So did mass murderers… (not comparing him to a murderer, of course!)”

Right. Mass murderers don’t spend 100% of their time mass murdering. Sometimes they’re walking the dog or having a drink with a friend.

From Gilbert and Sullivan:

“WHEN THE ENTERPRISING BURGLARS NOT A’BURGLING (not a’burgling)
WHEN THE CUT THROAT ISN’T OCCUPIED IN CRIME (-pied in crime)
HE LOVES TO HEAR THE LITTLE BROOK A’GURGLING (brook a’gurgling)
AND LISTEN TO THE MERRY VILLAGE CHIME (village chime)”

lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/p/policemanssong.shtml

I feel like you tend to mix major offences with very minor or debatable offences, because at this point, they all drive you nuts.
 
I agree that I struggle w balancing issues.

Strange that some of the most ridiculous things bother me most. Tonight I was going to be on TV and I asked him to watch. After it aired, I asked if he saw it and he said he was too busy picking up our little dogs poop…and he couldn’t break away
That’s prob stupid but it really made me sad…
 
BUDDYBUDDY25 said:
I agree that I struggle w balancing issues.

Strange that some of the most ridiculous things bother me most. Tonight I was going to be on TV and I asked him to watch. After it aired, I asked if he saw it and he said he was too busy picking up our little dogs poop…and he couldn’t break away
That’s prob stupid but it really made me sad…
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My 2 cents:

You find solitude in posting here and it allows you to vent.

I was once your husband. Not to air my dirty laundry, but I can say your husband needs help.

It takes a real man to realize his own demons and fight them.

Until he does you all suffer.
 
Thanks for your reply.

Can I ask… What do you think the problems are based on… For him?
 
I don’t know how you think a stranger on the Internet can tell you what your husband’s problem is. You are married to him and you claim you do not know.We do not know his background or the while story.

Please, go to your therapist today with all of the new insight that people have been giving you here and get help. Print all of this out if you have to to make it easier.

But really, you need to stop asking the same thing over and over and change things. Asking in different ways about the same thing is still getting you the same answer. For the sake of your son, stop being a victim and take charge of your life.
 
Fear.
Jealousy.
He’s afraid he’ll never measure up to you.
He’s clearly jealous of your success. you have eclipsed him in most ways.

Your focus on the small things is proof that you like YOUR life the way it is.
You’re always saying "I’m a public figure who makes -----.
You’re into it.
You come home after work, and he’s like: she’s home. I’ve got seem terribly occupied with something. Even if it’s dog poop. He’s not watching you on tv because it’s only important to you.His issues are the only thing on his mind. And in his mind…he’s a big wheel. With lofty dreams, projects that just about to come to fruition. My ex was like that. One scheme
after another. Always on the verge of some big windfall.

And you’re worried about Valentine gifts.

Meanwhile, you son is watching all of this.
“Marry a headstrong woman, and get to stay home and do nothing”.
But it’s so much more than that. I fear that while your soap opera unfolds each day, the kid is really neglected, emotionally.
You can’t do that anymore.
You BOTH have to give.
I don’t think either of you from what you tell us, is giving of yourselves to the marriage.
That’s what marriage is about. Mirroring Christ’s self-giving love to the Church.
He could care less about your feelings. And you only care about him in as far as it concerns you very public life.
The child cares because he has no choice. But one day he will choose…and like you, he will tell all his friends “I come from a VERY dysfunctional family.”
It’s an excuse and at this point, a call to arms for your family.
Change it. There is a child at stake here.

Here’s a Cree Indian story that illustrates what I’m trying to say:

***There was a woman who married a pond.
She knew him by the way she swam in him.
But a day came when the rains stopped.
She lost her husband and went seeking him.
She found him in a hole.
She stooped, and carried him home, cupped in her hands. little by little, day by day.
And in this way, she restored him.
She swam freely again. Content, and at peace in the pond. ***

Today’s your chance. Get the therapy you need, and get him whatever the therapist says he needs. Because he’s not going to do it himself.

Do it so the child can swim in the pond.
 
BUDDYBUDDY25 said:
Thanks for your reply.

Can I ask… What do you think the problems are based on… For him?
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I can’t tell what I think because I am not a professional.

I can tell you your husband needs to see a trained professional.
 
Well that’s the tough part for someone like me I forgive. …thinking that’s what God wants. But then new problems tend to emerge. It’s just not crystal clear all the time whe I just want to be a peacemaker… But I don’t doubt that I’m in the wrong for being a door mat.
 
BUDDYBUDDY25 said:
Well that’s the tough part for someone like me I forgive. …thinking that’s what God wants. But then new problems tend to emerge. It’s just not crystal clear all the time whe I just want to be a peacemaker… But I don’t doubt that I’m in the wrong for being a door mat.
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Looking the other way only perpetuates the problem.

Are you prepared to lay down an ultimatum?

I assume you went to your therapy appointment today?
 
Well in the first session it is hard to get it all out there. But he thought that I was going through an overwhelming amount of pressure.

if I thought about it…in less than a year… I thought I was getting fired from my big job in another state. I quickly found another one…went in and resigned and had my current boss turn around and beg me to stay. Then, we had to make a choice as to whether we move to the new city/job.

Then – in 5 months – husband quits his “JOB” and starts business…
I file bankruptcy and have it dismissed.
Son has to move to new city etc.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer.
I lost a good friend because she didn’t “respect me” for staying in my marriage.
Then we had mold in our house – legal battle.
Moved to new house – legal battle and then locked OUT of our home…all while I’m trying to be successful at my new job.
Now, I’m still facing big debt … crisis in marriage… and possible lawsuit and public humiliation.

The therapist just basically said he thought that the fact that I haven’t gone off the deep end was a testament to my strength.

I will go back again next week.
 
BUDDYBUDDY25 said:
Well in the first session it is hard to get it all out there. But he thought that I was going through an overwhelming amount of pressure.

if I thought about it…in less than a year… I thought I was getting fired from my big job in another state. I quickly found another one…went in and resigned and had my current boss turn around and beg me to stay. Then, we had to make a choice as to whether we move to the new city/job.

Then – in 5 months – husband quits his “JOB” and starts business…
I file bankruptcy and have it dismissed.
Son has to move to new city etc.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer.
I lost a good friend because she didn’t “respect me” for staying in my marriage.
Then we had mold in our house – legal battle.
Moved to new house – legal battle and then locked OUT of our home…all while I’m trying to be successful at my new job.
Now, I’m still facing big debt … crisis in marriage… and possible lawsuit and public humiliation.

The therapist just basically said he thought that the fact that I haven’t gone off the deep end was a testament to my strength.

I will go back again next week.
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And all of these catastrophes can be directly traced to your husband. What does that tell you?

You want a cookie for not going off the deep end? Ok, here’s a cookie. Now stop thinking it’s ok to just maintain and actually start to make changes for the good of yourself and your child. Going to therapy will help you, but at the end of the day it’s just talking. You still need to actually do something different and make it stick.

Yes, forgive your husband his faults and bad choices. Forgiveness is what God wants from us. But forgiveness DOES NOT mean continuing to let this train wreck continue to pile up. It means letting go of any hatred or plans of revenge. Forgiveness does not mean rolling over and letting the person you’ve forgiven continue on doing what they do/did.
 
MJJean said:

“And all of these catastrophes can be directly traced to your husband.”

He probably didn’t give her mom cancer, but otherwise, yeah.
 
This is true… it is difficult and I understand that I shouldn’t just “talk”.

I think separation is the best option at this point. I am working with the therapist on how to do that and how to maintain strength to STICK TO IT.
I’ve never been good at sticking with my decisions…when it comes to him. that is very worrisome for me. I need to be strong for this to work.

The problem that I’m going to have is he’s going to refuse to move out…claiming he doesn’t have the money. He will say that it’s best for our son to stay in the house with him and that I leave…but the attorney says that is dangerous for me to do…as it implicates abandonment. So, I really need to do this right.

The other issue is everything seems just fine right now…he is acting so kindly…working hard at getting new jobs and calling me every time he gets an update on a project. He can sense that I’m “off” and has called me on it. He said that he’s scared that his health is failing …I suggested he go to the doctor. He has not done so… but he’s been sick with what we have thought were allergies for over a month and he won’t go to the doctor. This past week he’s complained of tightness in his chest…won’t go to the doctor. You see the trend…

So – am I worried about him? Yes. I have that codepency problem too and I am reading up on how to recognize my symptoms and trying to work on my reactions to him…
 
Xantippe said:
MJJean said:

“And all of these catastrophes can be directly traced to your husband.”

He probably didn’t give her mom cancer, but otherwise, yeah.
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I didn’t consider the cancer a catastrophe. I considered it an illness. Probably because my own mother beat cancer and I am hoping that OP’s mom will, too.
BUDDYBUDDY25 said:
This is true… it is difficult and I understand that I shouldn’t just “talk”.

I think separation is the best option at this point. I am working with the therapist on how to do that and how to maintain strength to STICK TO IT.
I’ve never been good at sticking with my decisions…when it comes to him. that is very worrisome for me. I need to be strong for this to work.

The problem that I’m going to have is he’s going to refuse to move out…claiming he doesn’t have the money. He will say that it’s best for our son to stay in the house with him and that I leave…but the attorney says that is dangerous for me to do…as it implicates abandonment. So, I really need to do this right.

The other issue is everything seems just fine right now…he is acting so kindly…working hard at getting new jobs and calling me every time he gets an update on a project. He can sense that I’m “off” and has called me on it. He said that he’s scared that his health is failing …I suggested he go to the doctor. He has not done so… but he’s been sick with what we have thought were allergies for over a month and he won’t go to the doctor. This past week he’s complained of tightness in his chest…won’t go to the doctor. You see the trend…

So – am I worried about him? Yes. I have that codepency problem too and I am reading up on how to recognize my symptoms and trying to work on my reactions to him…
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You seem to over complicate things and that may be why you have a hard time making a decision. It’s simple. The home is not a home owned by you, so it’s not marital property. You pack up and move out with your child. Find another place to live, find someone to provide childcare, simply pack up and go. If your husband will not allow you to do so, call the police to escort you out the door. You don’t need permission to leave. You’re a grown woman and live in a free country.

The lease, you say? He can pay it. He can’t afford it, you say? He can get a job and/or step up his independent business efforts.

He’s sick? Maybe or maybe it’s simply allergies and manipulation because he knows you’ve had it. Either way, he is an adult and responsible for himself. If he were actually sick he’d go in. He’s not because he knows darn well he is not seriously ill.

Not to mention that you’re dealing with a pro manipulator. Claiming failing health just as he’s started to work harder or appear to work harder is a great way to stop “working harder” and go back to business as usual. Which he will. He needs help, too, but it will do no good until he hits rock bottom and seeks mental health help all on his own. He has to truly admit to himself that he has a problem and that he is not a normal man living a normal life. Then he has to be willing to put in the effort treatment requires. Which he probably will never sincerely do as you are there to enable him and prevent him from actually hitting rock bottom.

At this point, remaining where you are isn’t only bad for you and your son, it’s bad for your husband, too.
 
BUDDYBUDDY25 said:
This is true… it is difficult and I understand that I shouldn’t just “talk”.

I think separation is the best option at this point. I am working with the therapist on how to do that and how to maintain strength to STICK TO IT.
I’ve never been good at sticking with my decisions…when it comes to him. that is very worrisome for me. I need to be strong for this to work.

The problem that I’m going to have is he’s going to refuse to move out…claiming he doesn’t have the money. He will say that it’s best for our son to stay in the house with him and that I leave…but the attorney says that is dangerous for me to do…as it implicates abandonment. So, I really need to do this right.

The other issue is everything seems just fine right now…he is acting so kindly…working hard at getting new jobs and calling me every time he gets an update on a project. He can sense that I’m “off” and has called me on it. He said that he’s scared that his health is failing …I suggested he go to the doctor. He has not done so… but he’s been sick with what we have thought were allergies for over a month and he won’t go to the doctor. This past week he’s complained of tightness in his chest…won’t go to the doctor. You see the trend…

So – am I worried about him? Yes. I have that codepency problem too and I am reading up on how to recognize my symptoms and trying to work on my reactions to him…
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Look. He’s going to do and say anything he can to dissuade you from therapy, friends who give advice (he’d probably freak if he knew you were airing his life out here), and otherwise do anything to keep you in line. Yes. Keep you in line. I don’t know why you don’t take my words to heart…I’ve lived it. It is a matter of CONTROL. You both want it. He’s being “nice” right now…it’s part of the plan. My late husband would dry up for a couple of weeks, turn over a new leaf, get the house sparkly, set up a couple of date nights for us…but then it would dissolve again into the same behaviors.
People get sick when they realize their plan isn’t working.

You and your son can move to an apartment. Tell him you will be happy to move back home when he agrees to talk to a priest about your marriage and attend marriage therapy together. Stipulate that he has to go if he ever wants you back. For at least 8 sessions. Not just once.

It can only help your situation. Why won’t you help yourself? Do nothing and nothing will change.
I think that’s why people admonish you to “quit talking”. On these threads, it appears as though you only want someone to talk to…maybe someone to agree with you…because that will justify your thinking. I’m just saying…that’s how it looks.
People are not trying to be unkind. But for myself, I’m at a loss. I see it unraveling, and I’m scared for you and your family.
 
Well here’s the thing. He has agreed to talk to a priest and go back to therapy. He went last time for individual counseling for awhile because his individual therapist said he wasn’t able to do both individual and marital successfully.

So he has done that. Things got better. Then we went back to the “norm”.

I guess my question is… At what point can I stop "trying"and just call it quits. It is very hard to continue believing it will change permanently… When I see it hasn’t … In a long, long time.

For example. He just got a job offer. It involves a lot of travel. But it would pay 90k a year. He’s telling me this am that he doesn’t think he should commit to anything more than part time because he coaches soccer and that it would detract from his ability to build his business.

I told him to do the full time and find a new soccer coach or an assist coach. He said he couldn’t disappoint our son. 90k!
 
Or, maybe there really is no job offer at all, he is just stalling for time. No one turns down a 90k job just to work part time. Soccer is only a small part of the year. He doesn’t think his son is already disappointed in how he acts?

If he needs therapy, he should go whether you two stay married or not. He doesn’t need your pproval or support, he seems to go only when is back is against the wall.
 
Nope. There IS a job offer. I heard him on the phone with the man offering the position. He is requesting part time … Instead of the full time.

He did this despite my requests to push for the 90k full time.

Yes he would have to avoid coaching a few games but Geez! Now I’m angry, I must admit.
 
BUDDYBUDDY25 said:
Well here’s the thing. He has agreed to talk to a priest and go back to therapy. He went last time for individual counseling for awhile because his individual therapist said he wasn’t able to do both individual and marital successfully.

So he has done that. Things got better. Then we went back to the “norm”.

I guess my question is… At what point can I stop "trying"and just call it quits. It is very hard to continue believing it will change permanently… When I see it hasn’t … In a long, long time.

For example. He just got a job offer. It involves a lot of travel. But it would pay 90k a year. He’s telling me this am that he doesn’t think he should commit to anything more than part time because he coaches soccer and that it would detract from his ability to build his business.

I told him to do the full time and find a new soccer coach or an assist coach. He said he couldn’t disappoint our son. 90k!
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Whose idea was it to go to personal therapy AND marriage therapy at the same time?
RED FLAG.

Things went back to the norm. Of course they did. You both caved. RED FLAG.

Now you want our blessing to get divorced. Why didn’t you just say so in the beginning.
I’ll get off so that some can say
“NO, your marriage is worth saving!”
others
“YES! FINALLY!”
WHITE FLAG.

As you know, I’ve always said to work on the marriage, because at the end of the day, this is what speaks to your wedding vows. You promised to work at marriage…in many varied statements, including in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. He made these promises too. Right? A priest can counsel you about preserving your marriage with Christ at the center of it.

But then, his therapist scoffs at these notions. And we pay them, so they must be smarter. :rolleyes: There’s that pesky red flag again…

He gets job offer. 90K. It’s important to you, but he doesn’t want to give up soccer.
I am in the field of religious ed. I know all too well that there are people who worship at the altar of the “S” word. He’ll stand by and watch his son suffer from all kinds of abuse in a dysfunctional home, but God forbid he has to have a DIFFERENT SOCCER COACH!
You have 2 children. The red flag is getting a workout, eh?

These are not “examples” as you say. This is your life. I fear that we have been conversing far too long…you have now switched your role as wife and mother to “bemused observer”. White flag. Waving furiously.

The only observer is your son.
Make up your mind.
If you want to separate, then separate. Work on it.
If you want to let him give up on trying to preserve whatever it was you had when you married…then divorce.
Just know that in order to have another marriage you will need an annulment.

In short, if it’s not going to be about your family…at least work on your spiritual life.
You can’t do that with a secular therapist. There are CATHOLIC therapists who at least begin on the same page as you, from an ideological standpoint.

YOU have to make the decision. My husband refused any and all help.
Yours may be different, especially if you scare the heck out of him.
He’s clearly immature. **You are asking for something he just doesn’t have. **
And unless he’s willing to have you run the show…(which he’s not, it seems)
thing won’t change.
The 90K notwithstanding.

You are financially blessed. Most of us aren’t. Not even close. Make sure that you thank God daily for the blessings you DO have, and He will assist you with the problems as well.
At least if you do leave…you will have a place to stay. You will be able to do for your son. I strongly suggest you at least visit a shelter for abused women. Then you will view your life much more clearly.
 
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