So I just need to level with someone. I need help

[elizabeth_anne_1]

Well here’s the thing. He has agreed to talk to a priest and go back to therapy. He went last time for individual counseling for awhile because his individual therapist said he wasn’t able to do both individual and marital successfully.

So he has done that. Things got better. Then we went back to the “norm”.

I guess my question is… At what point can I stop "trying"and just call it quits. It is very hard to continue believing it will change permanently… When I see it hasn’t … In a long, long time.

For example. He just got a job offer. It involves a lot of travel. But it would pay 90k a year. He’s telling me this am that he doesn’t think he should commit to anything more than part time because he coaches soccer and that it would detract from his ability to build his business.

I told him to do the full time and find a new soccer coach or an assist coach. He said he couldn’t disappoint our son. 90k!

Does he even know what you are upset about? Why do I have a feeling that you have told random people on the internet way, way more than you have told him about your frustrations and concerns about this marriage? If he is willing to talk to a priest and therapist then you should do that. It does not sound like you want to make this marriage work.

I get that money is a big problem for you. There are a lot of people who make marriage work who have financial difficulties. You must have some pretty tremendous debt if you make as much as you do and still have this much angst. It would be good to get on a really good budget. It does not sound like you own your own home. You should evaluate where your money is going.

Maybe you should find out what he thinks about your marriage and what concerns he has as well. At least in theory you should want to make your marriage work, even if you do separate for a time. It is that whole “Til death do us part thing.”

 

[Xantippe]

Him traveling probably would be kind of terrible for your family life, as it would mean that the two of you would both have big, demanding jobs with non-9-5 hours. It is hard to make that work. Not because of soccer (which is a ridiculous excuse), but because it’s more workable to have one big job in the family and one little job, or two medium jobs. That’s how normal people do this.

Him earning $90k or not earning $90k is not the problem. You don’t really need him to earn that much money in addition to your income to keep two adults and one kid fed, housed, and clothed. Much more than him earning a particular sum, you need him to be willing to live well within your family income and to get your approval before making any major moves (i.e. lawsuits) and to reduce your stress level rather than contributing to it. He could earn $180k a year or $360k a year and still make your life a misery if he were litigious and spendthrift.

I know you’ve got a very busy therapy schedule, but see if you can take a personal finance class (like Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University) together.

 

[runningdude]

Whose idea was it to go to personal therapy AND marriage therapy at the same time?
RED FLAG.

Depending on his issues, this may have been appropriate or even necessary.

 

[runningdude]

Whose idea was it to go to personal therapy AND marriage therapy at the same time?
RED FLAG.

Depending on his issues, this may have been appropriate or even necessary.

For example. He just got a job offer. It involves a lot of travel. But it would pay 90k a year. He’s telling me this am that he doesn’t think he should commit to anything more than part time because he coaches soccer and that it would detract from his ability to build his business.

I told him to do the full time and find a new soccer coach or an assist coach. He said he couldn’t disappoint our son. 90k!

Considering what a mess your husband is, it may be better to start part time. Starting slowly and rebuilding his career may be better than hopping in, burning out, getting fired and then being unemployable.