So I met this girl

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HumbledCatholic

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(and now is where I find out if any of my real-life friends are on CA, because they’ve all heard far too much about this)

I was at a swing dance with, well, my traditional Catholic youth group (we’re the youngins of an Una Voce chapter), and a couple of extremely persistent friends pestered me until I asked a girl to dance (friends, what are they good for, eh?). She was from our group, but from a little outside our local area, so I’d never met her. Nevertheless, as it seemed to me we hit it off nicely (we are of the same age, lots of good conversation, shared interests, of course we agree on first things, she’s rather pretty, and she danced with me all evening, something no girl I’ve ever met has done :p), and I had the best time I’ve had in a long time.

Needless to say, I am interested in more of the same. But there is a catch:

I am from outside the traditional-Catholic world in many ways. I am the only Trad in my family, and that family is small. I was educated in schools, and generally had a very even- but light-handed upbringing. This girl, on the other hand, is from a large, traditional-Catholic clan (you know the sort). Homeschooled, huge family, even a farm, as I understand it.

I have no idea about the protocol in such situations. If the proper protocol involves having contact with the family, they are an hour away and I have never met them and would not know them on sight. At present, the only contact information I’ve got is the family E-mail address, which can be slightly awkward.

I sent a very prosaic E-mail to this family address, expressing my pleasure at having met her (and her sister, who was there), and I extended an invitation to some forthcoming Solemn High Masses in the area. I can think of nothing else which is appropriate, given my means of communication, and it almost seems to me that the ball is out of my court.

Part of me wonders if I was just being tolerated (do girls do that?) and imagining that she’d taken a liking to me at all. But all the same, I hate just waiting here for something to (or not to) happen. 😊

Advices?
 
I can’t edit the OP, but it occurs to me that I am hopeful that someone here might have insight from within such a family, as such a parent or having come from one, that they might know what is expected.
 
HumbledCatholic;6702914 said:
I can’t comment on how to approach the situation as I’ve never been in that kind of family but I can say that girls DO tolerate certain men HOWEVER they find the nearest opportunity to get away and it sounds to me like she never sought that opportunity with you. 🙂 At the very least one can assume she enjoyed her evening as much as you did.
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I too would assume that she enjoyed your company or else whe would have found a way to get away. So take heart…she liked you.

Do any of your friends know someone in her family? It would be great to get word to her that you hope to see her again at another social event. Given that your time and contact will likely be hit and miss, you will have to make your case when you can. Let it be know, as you did via your email and as you will/can via a friend, that you want to ge to know her and do so while being very appropriate in your interaction.

The BEST situation, in my view, would be to see her at another youth event. Spend time with her there and then tell her you would like to see her again and meet her family. If she is okay with that, suggest maybe that you attend Mass at her Parish and meet her parents afterwards.

From that point, you can figure out what they would expect. Large homeschooling Catholic family does not mean that they are ONLY open to courting (no dating, just public itme together until marriage becomes a thought). Many do let their kids date, but often only in groups. That is where your friends come in!
Good luck and keep up posted. This is quite the romance story!

Anne
 
Right now, you are OK, as you are still finding out if she is interested. If she danced with you all night, she isn’t going to be surprised that you expect she could be interested in you. In fact, she could have felt rejected if you had not contacted her afterward. Traditional girls are taught not to be forward, so you have to contact her and give her openings to let you know what she’s interested in.

After you’ve met her again–and a public or group setting is appropriate–ask her if she would be interested in seeing more of you, and under what terms. Then tell her that if she doesn’t mind, you think it would be best to ask her father about how he feels about this, and his expectations. This is almost never done any more, but when it is done, it is considered a) charming and b) very good form. (In other words, traditional dads almost never get that any more, but they still want it.)

When you talk to her father, tell him that your main concern is that his daughter always feel honored, respected, and kept out of harm’s way, as a) you feel very strongly that ALL women should be treated as ladies and b) even among ladies of worth, his daughter is a gem. Then walk the talk. Treat her like a queen. Of course you will be courteous to her and the women in her family, but treat your mother and sisters well, too, especially in your gratitude for the work they do on your behalf and how you talk about them behind their backs. Treat all women as ladies, for that matter. I would hope this is already your habit, but a smart woman knows that she’s seeing your best side. The way you treat your mom, sisters, and the wait staff at restaurants is what she will expect to get down the road. Don’t disappoint her.

If she is the first girl in her family to date or be courted, expect to be a subject of intense interest with the younger children. As in, you will not believe the surveillance. Expect that Dad is going to make your courtship of his first daughter an example of what is expected. Beat him to the punch, ask what he expects, and then go just a little bit beyond that. Expect his daughter to chafe at this. Tell her that her father expects her to be treated like quality, and you’re not going to disappoint him on that count. (If your courtship becomes at all serious, this will of course become a subject on which her (name removed by moderator)ut is going to have to be respected. By that point, she’ll be going to bat for you with Dad but you will be the only one in the conversation with Dad whom he thinks entirely expendible. Have fun with that, you poor thing. :p)

Also, remember that the man has not been born who is good enough for this man’s daughter. He may love you to pieces, that would be great, but do not be deceived. His daughter comes first. The days of trying to get the girls married off so as to lower the burden of mouths to feed at the table are long gone. You are going to be pointing an arrow at the apple of his eye. Don’t you forget it, but if he’s a little stand-offish, don’t take it too much to heart, either. It is to be expected…I have seen more than one father at his daughter’s wedding looking as if it were a funeral, and that was for a son-in-law that they thought was a pretty decent guy. If his daughter loves you and you really don’t give a reason to oppose you, he’ll get over it. (If you ever hurt her, he and his sons may decide hunt you down like the dog you are. Don’t forget that, either. ;))

If you are totally ignorant of all things farm, do not lose heart. Whatever you do, do not try to impress anyone and never show off. Do not try to hide your ignorance: this is impossible and foolish. If you do happen to be an expert at something, downplay that as much as possible. I have never met a farmer or a rancher who likes a show-off, even the rare few who are show-offs themselves…and maybe even more so for them. Rather, be a good sport, always be self-effacing and humble about any abilities you might have, admit and even joke about the holes in your upbringing, be willing to take any job you’re asked to do, and don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty. Pitch in and look for work to do…there is no place on a farm or a ranch or in a big family for slackers.

In my experience, “work hard, play hard, and if you get hurt, shake it off” is the rule among farm and ranch families. In sports, be a team player, be a good sport, but play hard. Look out for the little kids, but don’t give anyone else an inch. If any of the little kids are insulted that you gave them quarter, then play them hard, too. Don’t be afraid to compete. Don’t get mad if you make a misstep and don’t quit. If practical jokes are the rule, get into that, but it would probably be best if you don’t “win” in the end. Let the family take things to the next level, if they’re going to do that. You don’t want to be the one that goes over the line of what is and isn’t funny.

I grew up in a farm big family, surrounded by big farm families. In the end, if you’re a decent guy, good to the sister, and a good sport, you’ll do OK. That’s the main thing.
 
I like the advice from the other posters. For reference, I am the father of six children (3b3g) ages 12-23. Not a farm family.

If she were my daughter, I’d expect that if she considered meeting you at least interesting, she probably will tell me about it, and then if there are future contacts I’d expect her to let me know that she is entering a relationship. (Depending some on her age – the younger the more I’d stick to public events.) I would not expect you to ask me for permission, because I trust my daughter will take care of “authorization” issues … of course depending on the nature of the outing I might want to meet him in person. That said, I like it when my daughters’ boyfriends talk to me about pretty much anything, because it helps me help my daughter keep the relationship excellent.

As far as contacting her, maybe you could get her chat handle and/or facebook address? These days electronic means are great at getting to know each other in a low risk situation. As far as having only the family email address, I’ll draft a message for you to consider sending:

Dear Jones family,

I am Tom Smith and I met Julie at last month’s youth rally. I am a member of All Saints Church in Wichita. If it is suitable, I would like to keep in contact with her, and perhaps attend more events together if she would like. May I contact her directly, or can she contact me either at this email address or by phone or text at 555-1212?

Thank you for your consideration. If Julie or her parents have any questions about me, I would be happy to answer them.

Sincerely,
Tom Smith

If anybody thinks I’m off base here, let me know. Otherwise I hope this is helpful.

Alan
 
AlanFromWichita said:
If she were my daughter, I’d expect that if she considered meeting you at least interesting, she probably will tell me about it, and then if there are future contacts I’d expect her to let me know that she is entering a relationship…
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Coming from a big family, I learned to keep my cards close to my chest when it came to what guys interested me. Not only did I not want to risk driving some guy off because Dad gave him the third degree at the first sign of interest, but the teasing from the family in general could go on for months or even years after the guy was out of the picture, sometimes in the presence of subsequent suitors. (I learned this from watching the experience of female cousins, not on my own.) My brother would hardly acknowledge how smitten he was with his intended until he popped the question and she said, “yes”!

IOW, the degree to which the object of your affections will want to acknowledge her reciprical feelings in the presence of her family will vary widely from family to family. If she’s reticent, I wouldn’t necessarily take that too hard. It may be protective of both of you! 😃 Respect her wishes, or no one else’s opinion will matter.

Also, I wouldn’t address a letter to the family as a whole. IMHO, that is sucking up too much. If she is agreeable, talk to her parents only, not her siblings, strictly in privacy from her siblings, and in person if possible. Be very sure that she will think this is none of their business. Her brothers may think it is, but in that case they will check you out on their own. At any rate, they will not be impressed by efforts to suck up to them directly, anyway. They will be looking to judge you based on times when you are not specifically trying to impress them. (Brothers think themselves very perceptive in these matters, particularly when acting as a posse.) The idea is to be an unabashedly decent human being who isn’t looking for applause or approval. Then you’ll be fine, assuming this is a family you would want entry into in the first place. They will be at every wedding and funeral you ever go to for the rest of your life, they will expect to be included at your every holiday. Never forget that a big family is never perfect, but it is a package deal.

Even that can wait until she’s comfortable with it. If this doesn’t turn in to anything lasting, she’ll be living down whatever you say to her dad or siblings for long after you’re gone. If you don’t go along with her sense of things, they will still be laughing at you at your 50th wedding anniversary party. Err on the side of including her dad, but don’t “go over her head.” You’ll be shooting yourself in the foot.
 
EasterJoy said:
Also, I wouldn’t address a letter to the family as a whole. IMHO, that is sucking up too much.
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I think you have some great advice. As far as the family email, I agree it is awkward, but so far it’s the only contact we have for her. I think the first goal is to find out how to contact her personally, without revealing any more information than required.

Alan
 
Question before I give advice:
How old are you?
Do you know that you will see her again?
What kind of community do you live in? Culturally that is. Metropolitan norms can be different from rural norms.
 
Thank you all for the advice…still suspense…no updates. The last of the masses that I invited them to is to-morrow, so we’ll see.

As to the questions:
  1. We are both 19.
  2. Almost certainly, but I cannot say when.
  3. Suburban (blech). But I think her family’s having aquired the farm is rather recent, so I don’t know what she was raised in.
 
Mate, from the picture you’ve painted for us, I’d say you’ve kicked a goal. As to how you would proceed on this, beyond what you’ve already stated, is to be patient. You’ve said that you will almost certainly see her again, so don’t stress. Just be yourself and ask her out for a coffee, or perhaps go see a movie. I don’t think her living an hour away is a massive problem. I’m sure you’ll drive, run, walk that far just to see her with the way you are feeling at the moment. 😉 My girlfriend lives an hour away from me and I go see her every weekend.

Just go for it! Life is too short. 🙂
 
HumbledCatholic said:
Thank you all for the advice…still suspense…no updates. The last of the masses that I invited them to is to-morrow, so we’ll see.

As to the questions:
  1. We are both 19.
  2. Almost certainly, but I cannot say when.
  3. Suburban (blech). But I think her family’s having aquired the farm is rather recent, so I don’t know what she was raised in.
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Thanks I’m a sophomore in college, so keep in mind that I have about the same level of experience at this as you do.
  1. You have good reason to be excited, but don’t let that overwhelm you. Girls can feel smothered if a guy comes on too strong.
  2. You’ve already made an attempt to contact her, so I wouldn’t necessarily try to do that again before the next time you see her. (If it’s a while then maybe.)
  3. Don’t feel the need to involve the family yet. You’re not in a relationship at this point and its up to you and her to feel the waters out and decide if you like the situation.
  4. The next time you see her: remember that she has other friends. A big part of relationships can involve (name removed by moderator)ut from her friends (female AND male). So, the next time you run into her and her group of friends, say hi to her and make sure you introduce yourself to her friends (and if you run into her with her family introduce yourself—it would not be appropriate to mention your romantic interest to the rest of her family).
Good luck! I hope this helps! 👍

PS Don’t overthink this. Be yourself.
 
DARN! You sound like SUCH a great guy! My daughter is several years younger than you, but when you are 28 and she is 24, it won’t hardly matter. Can’t you wait for her?! 😉

All kidding aside, I hope it works out and the young lady and her family give you a chance.
 
Humbled,

By your account it sounds like you stumbled over a jewel of a girl!

I hope things work out!

VC
 
Thanks again for the further advice! I haven’t tried to contact her again, but she wasn’t at the Mass (not a complete surprise, since the church is in de hood, and I would be loathe to let my young daughters venture there at night).

Unfortunately, still no word from her at all. This means really nothing (it’s summer, they might have taken a family trip, she could be entirely uninterested in me, she could have read the letter and forgotten to reply, thinking she had *…) But it’s very stressful!

@yellowbird - If this keeps moving so slowly, I might just have time to wait for your daughter to grow up 😉 .

Patience is the watchword. Patience, prayer, and openness to either outcome.*
 
Or maybe she is on this forum and smiling as she reads this thread, and watching. . .

:cool:

By the way, I was impressed by your comment about “agreeing on first things”. I’ve never heard it phrased that way, and it is quite felicitous.

VC
 
Not likely, but very nice to think about…🙂

Glad you found my locution a felicity. First things are a sine qua non for me; they’re the substance of marital love.
 
Update time.

I got an E-mail, expressing thanks &c. for my E-mail, following up on our conversation, relaying interest in coming to more events in the Cincinnati area, and inviting me to a Corpus Christi procession in her town. Unfortunately, the procession falls on a Saturday evening, and, as organist for a local parish, I am tied down on Saturday night.

I may try to call in a favour with an old friend and see if he can’t substitute for me, but otherwise I’m hosed.

Nevertheless, I suppose the E-mail itself is good news. 🙂
 
Now, really, Humbled Catholic – “hosed”? Please try and be more delicate 😉 I think this is great! You couldn’t ask for a better response, really. The girl and her folks were VERY smart about this; made you sweat for a day or so, just to ensure no one appeared too eager. Now? You need to do the same. You have a prior commitment. If you can find someone to substitute, fine. If not, I wouldn’t sweat it: Dad, particularly, will appreciate a man who keeps his commitments. And, if might make the girl more interested in seeing you. If you can’t make it, however, I would ensure she knows that there is a Church-related commitment you can’t break, but that you would be interested in seeing her when it is mutually possible. Good luck! Keep us all posted. I’m a sucker for a good love story!
 
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