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Nordar
Guest
Thats funny!
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Thats funny!
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Sandi
Guest
Well, if you really love the Lord, you’ll bear your cross cheerfully and not complain but instead be grateful for this chance to suffer for your faith.
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chabula
Guest
Oh my gosh! I just posted in family life something like this. Only, I’m a cold-hearted judgemental sister because I refuse to attend a sister’s second wedding (both she and her fiancee were both previously married in the Catholic Church), have only known each other for four months, and moved in together yesterday, (with her five children age 5-16 - all impressionable little girls), and have decided to throw a big shin-dig this Nov. And I’m a judgemental, cold-hearted you-know-what, who has my father spinning in his grave, “don’t tell Mom yet about your decision not to attend, it’ll do her in”, “we will not let you make a martyr out of yourself”, snobby sister!!! I thought I was all alone.
Now a dear friend told me today that this is a spiritual battle between the devil and me. She suggested, as I do to you, pray to St. Michael and your Guardian Angels to wrap you in their cloaks of honor. Pray, pray, pray as Fr. Coropy (I know that I didn’t spell that name right) would say. So, I tried to pray, pray, pray tonight and couldn’t calm my brain down enough to do so. Then I got online and read your forum. Now I can share the advice I did, and find peace. Enough peace to try and fall asleep, finally.
Thanks for posting and thanks for all of the great replies. They have give me a renewed sense of who I am. The relatives can sure make you self-doubt in moments like these, can’t they?
Sweet dreams!
Patty
Now a dear friend told me today that this is a spiritual battle between the devil and me. She suggested, as I do to you, pray to St. Michael and your Guardian Angels to wrap you in their cloaks of honor. Pray, pray, pray as Fr. Coropy (I know that I didn’t spell that name right) would say. So, I tried to pray, pray, pray tonight and couldn’t calm my brain down enough to do so. Then I got online and read your forum. Now I can share the advice I did, and find peace. Enough peace to try and fall asleep, finally.
Thanks for posting and thanks for all of the great replies. They have give me a renewed sense of who I am. The relatives can sure make you self-doubt in moments like these, can’t they?
Sweet dreams!
Patty
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
Chabula, when this disaster of a “marriage” falls apart, your sister will know you were the only person who cared not to indulge in her silly fantasy. She may be expecting an I Told You So. But you won’t say that. You’ll just say “I’m here for you.” 
Pray for them. And send the kids gifts that day. They’re about to embark on a horrible rollercoaster and it will be nice for them to know that you care.
And just what is the opposite of “judgemental?” Having NO judgement?
Pray for them. And send the kids gifts that day. They’re about to embark on a horrible rollercoaster and it will be nice for them to know that you care.
And just what is the opposite of “judgemental?” Having NO judgement?
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Katie1723
Guest
You are not judgmental. Just a wee bit passionate. There is a difference.
Kathy
Kathy
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Kelly
Guest
Montanaman,
My relationship with my family is very much like yours. I have 7 siblings, we were raised as Catholics, but I am the only one who practices the Faith. My parents have not attended Mass in years. All of my siblings have been divorced, remarried. live in sin with partners, etc. So, all I can say is I feel your pain. I have learned over the years that arguments are just not worth it (although, I have a fiery disposition and sometimes slip up). Try to keep the conversation light and pray for your family.
Fortunately I live hundreds of miles away from my closest relatives and we don’t have a lot of contact on a regular basis!
On a side note, congratulations on your new little blessing.
My relationship with my family is very much like yours. I have 7 siblings, we were raised as Catholics, but I am the only one who practices the Faith. My parents have not attended Mass in years. All of my siblings have been divorced, remarried. live in sin with partners, etc. So, all I can say is I feel your pain. I have learned over the years that arguments are just not worth it (although, I have a fiery disposition and sometimes slip up). Try to keep the conversation light and pray for your family.
Fortunately I live hundreds of miles away from my closest relatives and we don’t have a lot of contact on a regular basis!
On a side note, congratulations on your new little blessing.
M
montanaman
Guest
Yes, the distance definitely helps. (And thanks for the congrats).Montanaman,
My relationship with my family is very much like yours. I have 7 siblings, we were raised as Catholics, but I am the only one who practices the Faith. My parents have not attended Mass in years. All of my siblings have been divorced, remarried. live in sin with partners, etc. So, all I can say is I feel your pain. I have learned over the years that arguments are just not worth it (although, I have a fiery disposition and sometimes slip up). Try to keep the conversation light and pray for your family.
Fortunately I live hundreds of miles away from my closest relatives and we don’t have a lot of contact on a regular basis!
On a side note, congratulations on your new little blessing.
M
montanaman
Guest
A good compromise to this situation is to send paper plates as a wedding gift.
(Can’t take credit for that–I heard that a priest did that once…)
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montanaman
Guest
Oh, that’s definitely part of it. I don’t blame them for that at all, and since we’ve lived very far apart for five years, and “fairly” far apart for several years before that, our impressions of each other have grown somewhat stale. I try to account for that.
Also very valid, and probably more true than I realize. That’s why I’m very, very careful when I DO say something. Besides, my brother and sister have been known to throw punches.
Yeah, we’re classy that way.
It’s mostly a question of will. They pray, they attend Mass regularly, they fight anti-Catholics when they have to. It’s just that when it comes to moral backbone, they’re more likely to make bad compromises than make tough decisions. I completely understand that–I’m tempted to be the same way, and I HAVE been the same way.
It took me a long time to realize it, but if my dad showed some backbone, some leadership, things might have gone differently. He’s a very good man, but he’ll avoid conflict any way he can. (Although, that did save my butt once when I had half the neighborhood looking to put my head in a sack. It was part of that “passionate” phase in which I made the mistake of defending the reputation of an ex-girlfriend who the boys were slandering. Oh, and I might have said something about kicking someone’s butt, and well…it’s just a good thing that dad showed up when he did to diffuse the tempers of a bunch of teenage boys. They would have killed me. Heh.)
No problemo.
Thank you.
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St_Gabriel
Guest
If you generalize about anything, that will surely bring on a fight. Keep in mind, every situation is different. It is not being judgemental as the OP said because you are not condeming someone to hell.
If you have a problem with someone in your family, speak to them one on one in a private setting first. You don’t need to talk to your mom about your sister’s problems, you need to talk to your sister about her problems and talk to your mother about your mother’s problem.
If you have a problem with someone in your family, speak to them one on one in a private setting first. You don’t need to talk to your mom about your sister’s problems, you need to talk to your sister about her problems and talk to your mother about your mother’s problem.
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montanaman
Guest
I don’t think I explained that situation very well. It wasn’t a rude comment by any stretch of the imagination. It’s a simple fact. Debatable to a certain degree, but not inappropriate, either. “Most American Catholics don’t know their faith very well” is backed up fairly easily. When a Catholic can’t answer a simple question like “What does baptism do?” that’s “not knowing your faith very well.” This is very common, sadly.
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St_Gabriel
Guest
I thought about it some more and edited my comment above.
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Cat
Guest
Sorry to say this, but since you asked, I think you do sound judgemental.
Even some of your responses to the posters sound a little proud of yourself.
My suggestion is to humble yourself greatly. You are expecting a child. Believe me, you will be humbled very soon. What will you do if your child turns out to be a self-centered little brat who screams constantly and is unfriendly to people who try to hold him or her? It happens, even in homes where the parents are wise. Some kids are just hard to raise. (I hope this doesn’t happen to you; I hope you get a beautiful child who is a joy to your whole family.)
Those who judge others will eventually go through it themselves, because the Lord will have to do something to show them that the same measure they use to judge others will be used on them. I’ve seen it happen, and so have you. E.g., a person who condemned divorce ends up in a messy divorce themselves. Or a person who condemns the childrearing techniques of others ends up with a child in jail.
I would say to be very quiet and humble around your relatives. Your mother is absolutely devastated by the failures in her family. She doesn’t need you to tell her that her kids are a mess. She knows and is suffering over it, wondering what she did wrong. SUPPORT HER in any way you can. She needs support.
And the next time judgmental thoughts come into your head, remember your own sins, especially all those secret sins that no one knows about, and remember that only through the grace of Christ are any of us redeemed.
Even some of your responses to the posters sound a little proud of yourself.
My suggestion is to humble yourself greatly. You are expecting a child. Believe me, you will be humbled very soon. What will you do if your child turns out to be a self-centered little brat who screams constantly and is unfriendly to people who try to hold him or her? It happens, even in homes where the parents are wise. Some kids are just hard to raise. (I hope this doesn’t happen to you; I hope you get a beautiful child who is a joy to your whole family.)
Those who judge others will eventually go through it themselves, because the Lord will have to do something to show them that the same measure they use to judge others will be used on them. I’ve seen it happen, and so have you. E.g., a person who condemned divorce ends up in a messy divorce themselves. Or a person who condemns the childrearing techniques of others ends up with a child in jail.
I would say to be very quiet and humble around your relatives. Your mother is absolutely devastated by the failures in her family. She doesn’t need you to tell her that her kids are a mess. She knows and is suffering over it, wondering what she did wrong. SUPPORT HER in any way you can. She needs support.
And the next time judgmental thoughts come into your head, remember your own sins, especially all those secret sins that no one knows about, and remember that only through the grace of Christ are any of us redeemed.
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pumpkinbeast
Guest
My only advice would be to keep the words of Jesus in mind: “I have not come to bring peace to the earth, but a sword; to set son against father, mother against daughter…” or something like that. I’ve forgotten the chapter and verse numbers, but it’s in the Gospels. Jesus is pretty frank when He tells us how we will be treated for living the Faith. I don’t think there is truly anything you can do to stop the annimosity your mother has against you other than prayer and patience. Sounds like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’ll pray for you. 
Remember, your reward will be great in heaven!
Remember, your reward will be great in heaven!
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chewchoo
Guest
your situation is very difficult, but as someone has already mentioned, you need to humble yourself here (don’t we all 
)
yesterday’s mediation in magnificat was “whoever is humble is the greatest” by saint maximilian kolbe. all i can say is wow.
here are a few excerpts:
)yesterday’s mediation in magnificat was “whoever is humble is the greatest” by saint maximilian kolbe. all i can say is wow.
here are a few excerpts:
- don’t cast blame on others.
- when you are reproved unjustly, do not excuse yourself.
- don’t be offended at a harsh word, an imperious tone of voice, not being respected as much as you would like to be.
- welcome occasions of being disregarded and humiliated, first with patience, then willingly, without raising any difficulties, and finally with joy.
- humility is the foundation of the virtues.
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Beachcomber
Guest
Don’t cut loose your family ties. I know they are difficult, but trust me on this, stay in contact with them.
I can’t add much more than what others have posted–and there is a lot of good advice there–but my brother and my dad broke off communication over what was actually a rather serious issue, but nonetheless, they never spoke after that. My brother died suddenly and my dad never got over it. He had wanted to reach out, but he felt he couldn’t.
This is different from your situation, of course; but with prayer, do try to keep talking with them. IMO, too, don’t talk about religion too much since it seems to inflame things.
I can’t add much more than what others have posted–and there is a lot of good advice there–but my brother and my dad broke off communication over what was actually a rather serious issue, but nonetheless, they never spoke after that. My brother died suddenly and my dad never got over it. He had wanted to reach out, but he felt he couldn’t.
This is different from your situation, of course; but with prayer, do try to keep talking with them. IMO, too, don’t talk about religion too much since it seems to inflame things.
J
jman507
Guest
So what.
You got in a fight, well if your in a close relationship and you never get in fights there would be a problem there. If anything you make a mistake when you try to be hesitant to make a point someone might not want to hear. The ironic thing is that hesitation seems to make it even more dramatic, which makes it worse. It’s ironic given the reason you understand why to not say it in the first place. Also you make a mistake by then wanting to cut off or slow down the relationship. That puts even more emphasis on the idea.
What you say might be right, but it also has to be taken into a context the whole situation. Do you also back it up by acknowledging where they are doing well? Do you also let them know, you can understand that in the past they might have been intending to do the best they could with their given weakness? Do you let them know you have your own struggles? Granted you can leave or cut back the relationship, but what will be left is that striking perceived critisism. Would it be any surprised that they might think that you are a judgemental jerk? If you don’t talk to them, I would be surprsied if your saying to yourself, “judgmental, look at yourself!”
Fights aren’t a bad thing. If done well, they help hone both parties. Often times what we get upset by is misunderstandings, our own faults, and faults in others in which they can do better. If anything a prerequsite of a fight is that you actually care. I am sure your wife will get in a fight with you sooner than your friends. I also assume your wife wants you to be better, and your friends enjoy you as you are. Granted some fights will stray from the good, but if communication is working well, eventually they’ll show the fault and the person will improve – wife or you.
So to sum up. Don’t worry about fights, and if you hesitate in making a point, quite often you make the response worse. What you do need to worry about is keeping up communication, and pray. Let others know that any fights that happen isn’t cause you want to leave them or disown them; it’s just the point, you understand the context. No one is perfect, and you can still accept them.
You got in a fight, well if your in a close relationship and you never get in fights there would be a problem there. If anything you make a mistake when you try to be hesitant to make a point someone might not want to hear. The ironic thing is that hesitation seems to make it even more dramatic, which makes it worse. It’s ironic given the reason you understand why to not say it in the first place. Also you make a mistake by then wanting to cut off or slow down the relationship. That puts even more emphasis on the idea.
What you say might be right, but it also has to be taken into a context the whole situation. Do you also back it up by acknowledging where they are doing well? Do you also let them know, you can understand that in the past they might have been intending to do the best they could with their given weakness? Do you let them know you have your own struggles? Granted you can leave or cut back the relationship, but what will be left is that striking perceived critisism. Would it be any surprised that they might think that you are a judgemental jerk? If you don’t talk to them, I would be surprsied if your saying to yourself, “judgmental, look at yourself!”
Fights aren’t a bad thing. If done well, they help hone both parties. Often times what we get upset by is misunderstandings, our own faults, and faults in others in which they can do better. If anything a prerequsite of a fight is that you actually care. I am sure your wife will get in a fight with you sooner than your friends. I also assume your wife wants you to be better, and your friends enjoy you as you are. Granted some fights will stray from the good, but if communication is working well, eventually they’ll show the fault and the person will improve – wife or you.
So to sum up. Don’t worry about fights, and if you hesitate in making a point, quite often you make the response worse. What you do need to worry about is keeping up communication, and pray. Let others know that any fights that happen isn’t cause you want to leave them or disown them; it’s just the point, you understand the context. No one is perfect, and you can still accept them.
- Status