SO not feeling Christmas this year

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Convert_in_99

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I have surgery in 12 days. I’m thankful but spiritually bankrupt just in time for Christmas. I’m so totally completely utterly worn out physically, emotionally and spiritually for this constant battle with severe pain for the past nine months that my heart is just not feeling it this Christmas. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Yippee Skippee. I’m so done with putting on an act. I’m just not feeling anything for God. I could pretty much care less, save doing just enough to try to escape even further torture and pain in hell. It’s been a rough, rough road for me these past ten years and this agonizing battle with pain this year past has just put me over the top. I don’t want to feel this way spiritually, but I just can’t put on a happy face anymore. Faith is a torture for me, not a joy. I don’t know what to do. I know that I’m not supposed to feel this way, but I just can’t force the act anymore. I don’t know what else to say but I know God will find a way to punish me further for this. I’m just totally spent, there’s nothing left to give. 😦
 
Convert_in_99 said:
I have surgery in 12 days. I’m thankful but spiritually bankrupt just in time for Christmas. I’m so totally completely utterly worn out physically, emotionally and spiritually for this constant battle with severe pain for the past nine months that my heart is just not feeling it this Christmas. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Yippee Skippee. I’m so done with putting on an act. I’m just not feeling anything for God. I could pretty much care less, save doing just enough to try to escape even further torture and pain in hell. It’s been a rough, rough road for me these past ten years and this agonizing battle with pain this year past has just put me over the top. I don’t want to feel this way spiritually, but I just can’t put on a happy face anymore. Faith is a torture for me, not a joy. I don’t know what to do. I know that I’m not supposed to feel this way, but I just can’t force the act anymore. I don’t know what else to say but I know God will find a way to punish me further for this. I’m just totally spent, there’s nothing left to give. 😦
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You don’t have to be happy every single Christmas. Just plan to be happy next Christmas and get through this Christmas.

One thing I would suggest, though, is putting together a package of mindless entertainment for yourself for the hospital (plus some more edifying stuff like a prayer book or Bible).

When I had to go to the hospital for an induction after a late miscarriage, I brought along Pride and Prejudice and I think I read the whole thing there.

I also think that a light-weight dark-colored bathrobe of one’s own is nice for the hospital–a lot of hospitals can be very cold at night and it can double as a blanket. One of my most brilliant purchases (ideal for a lot of OB/GYN situations) was a cherry red microfiber bathrobe.
 
Convert_in_99 said:
I have surgery in 12 days. I’m thankful but spiritually bankrupt just in time for Christmas. I’m so totally completely utterly worn out physically, emotionally and spiritually for this constant battle with severe pain for the past nine months that my heart is just not feeling it this Christmas. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Yippee Skippee. I’m so done with putting on an act. I’m just not feeling anything for God. I could pretty much care less, save doing just enough to try to escape even further torture and pain in hell. It’s been a rough, rough road for me these past ten years and this agonizing battle with pain this year past has just put me over the top. I don’t want to feel this way spiritually, but I just can’t put on a happy face anymore. Faith is a torture for me, not a joy. I don’t know what to do. I know that I’m not supposed to feel this way, but I just can’t force the act anymore. I don’t know what else to say but I know God will find a way to punish me further for this. I’m just totally spent, there’s nothing left to give. 😦
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I am not sure where you got the idea that you need to be happy to be faithful, or that you need to put on an act. Who is the act for? It is certainly not for God. You can act all you want, He knows the real you inside. Perhaps this Christmas you should just stop worrying and trying so hard and just be.

I know you are having surgery and you are in pain, but Christmas will come anyway. I don’t mean the Christmas of gifts and decorations and all of the other expectations of Christmas. I mean the birth of the Christ child, the light of the world in our world of darkness. A darkness that includes physical pain, brokenness, separation from loved ones, addictions and any other number of things.

I wish you a restful, peaceful Christmas, Convert.
 
I’ve been there. When the pain was so bad I couldn’t even read (& that says a lot - I love to read) the best thing to take my mind off my pain was TV. Even the most mindless garbage somehow numbed the pain.

If anyone thinks you should be all bubbly & happy because it’s Christmas, try Miss Manner’s “weak smile.” If you can manage. it.
 
Take it one day at a time. Maybe you’ll feel yippy-skippier after your surgery? Or at least more at peace?
 
Bonnie said:
I’ve been there. When the pain was so bad I couldn’t even read (& that says a lot - I love to read) the best thing to take my mind off my pain was TV. Even the most mindless garbage somehow numbed the pain.

If anyone thinks you should be all bubbly & happy because it’s Christmas, try Miss Manner’s “weak smile.” If you can manage. it.
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When my mom had surgery, my parents (who had subsisted on rabbit ear TV for years) finally cracked and got satellite TV for my mom to recover with. That was a really good idea.

If you have any surplus resources (or if a generous friend or relative wants to help out in some way), getting some sort of extra media subscription could make your life much more enjoyable while you are recovering.

I know that that may not be feasible, but I just wanted to put the idea out there in case there’s some sort of unexpected windfall.
 
I’m sorry to hear that you’re in a bit of a bad mood about this. But I totally don’t blame you. You’ve been through quite a ride. And I mean I don’t know how many times in the past you ever thought that all you’d want for Christmas would be an operation?

So it’s cool that you’re venting right now. I think all of us following your battle can really understand. We can really know that you can feel this way. That you have a right to it.

But we also know from past history with you that you’re a fighter. That you’ve got an overall positive view on things. So we know that this low ebb is not your sum total. It’s not the whole you. This is the you that’s in pain and worn out. The one that’s just about had it.

Which is phenomenal really. Because most of us would have melted away after the 3rd set-back. Well I know I would have. I would have taken my ball and gone home a long time ago. So your fight has really been an inspiration from that angle. A real statement on just how to slog through the bad times.

I hope you get onto the other side of this as soon as possible. I hope you get healed really fast. And that this whole thing just ends as a distant memory.

I’ll pray for that. And I’ll pray for you on your operation day too. That it all goes perfectly. And that you get into the clear and end up back on top.

Because we want you back in good spirits as soon as possible. Back into the community to say more uplifting things. To be that up example of how patience works.

Peace Convert. :hug1:

Your friend,

Trident
 
Convert_in_99 said:
I have surgery in 12 days. I’m thankful but spiritually bankrupt just in time for Christmas. I’m so totally completely utterly worn out physically, emotionally and spiritually for this constant battle with severe pain for the past nine months that my heart is just not feeling it this Christmas. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Yippee Skippee. I’m so done with putting on an act. I’m just not feeling anything for God. I could pretty much care less, save doing just enough to try to escape even further torture and pain in hell. It’s been a rough, rough road for me these past ten years and this agonizing battle with pain this year past has just put me over the top. I don’t want to feel this way spiritually, but I just can’t put on a happy face anymore. Faith is a torture for me, not a joy. I don’t know what to do. I know that I’m not supposed to feel this way, but I just can’t force the act anymore. I don’t know what else to say but I know God will find a way to punish me further for this. I’m just totally spent, there’s nothing left to give. 😦
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My dear I can understand how you feel entirely. I feel the same. Going through a really rough time, I couldn’t even get myself out of bed until the evening today. All I’m thinking of is spending a few weeks with my mum and revising for an exam and placement in the new year but I’m not keen on anything Christmas related this year. I feel like God abandoned me a very long time ago. I cannot feel his presence. I will go to midnight Mass as I always do with my mum but funnily enough even last year I remember not wanting to go and feeling like I was just going through the motions when getting ready and attending church but I did not want to be there and it is the same thing this year. It’s going to take some kind of miracle for me to have the faith I had before.
 
Convert in 99
I have surgery in 12 days. I’m thankful but spiritually bankrupt just in time for Christmas. I’m so totally completely utterly worn out physically, emotionally and spiritually for this constant battle with severe pain for the past nine months that my heart is just not feeling it this Christmas. . . . I’m just not feeling anything for God. I could pretty much care less, save doing just enough to try to escape even further torture and pain in hell. It’s been a rough, rough road for me these past ten years and this agonizing battle with pain this year past has just put me over the top. I don’t want to feel this way spiritually . . .
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I am so sorry to hear of your plight.

When I read your post, I stopped and prayed for you.

Sometimes in these spiritually “dry” times (especially the extended dry times such as what you are going through) God is calling you to great (but hidden) things.

Great things for the Mystical Body of Christ, yet hidden to the world (and maybe even hidden to you).

Praying for your “Dark Night of the Soul” (spiritual dryness) that is accompanying your physical trials.

God bless.

Cathoholic
 
**The lyrics to one of my favorite Christmas Octavos:

Make my life a Bethlehem,
A manger in my heart.
Make let hear the angels sing,
And let the music start.
May I may In simple faith
And wonder to my knees
In the manger of my heart…may Christ be born in me.

In my life there is a place
That’s scattered with the straw
Of every disappointment
Each regret and every flaw
In that dark and dismal place, my beasts of burden lie
Weary from the heavy load they long to lay aside.

Come and sweep this stable clean and swaddle it with light,
And let the Child be born in me upon a starlit night.
For though He’s born a thousand times in far off Bethlehem,
until the Savior’s born in me I cannot worship Him.

Make my life a Bethlehem, a manger of my heart,
Let me hear the angels sing and let the music start.
May I fall in simple faith and wonder to my knees,
In the manger of my heart let Christ be born in me. **

you’ll do fine, friend.
love,
Clare
 
Convert,

If you can join your suffering with Christ’s, many people in purgatory will be cheering you on. I can appreciate how you feel as I am in severe pain now that the cold has set in.

I will pray for your intentions in Adoration tomorrow.

God bless.
 
Praying for your health & recovery & successful surgical outcome. Wishing you peace & contentment during the season.
 
you are probably feeling some anxiety about the upcoming surgery in 12 days. I don’t know what kind of surgery it is or how the recovery will be, but having surgery this time of year must be a little stressful. I pray your surgery will go well and that you will be able to prepare for Christmas mentally, physically and spiritually. God bless!
 
I’m so sorry you are in pain and feel down. Will pray for your intention.

Hang in there. It will be better soon.
 
Convert,

We haven’t interacted, but I’ve read many of your posts detailing your struggles, and I will be praying for you to have a swift physical/emotional/spiritual recovery.
 
Xantippe said:
When my mom had surgery, my parents (who had subsisted on rabbit ear TV for years) finally cracked and got satellite TV for my mom to recover with. That was a really good idea.

If you have any surplus resources (or if a generous friend or relative wants to help out in some way), getting some sort of extra media subscription could make your life much more enjoyable while you are recovering.

I know that that may not be feasible, but I just wanted to put the idea out there in case there’s some sort of unexpected windfall.
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This is a really good idea. Netflix, just for streaming, is only $8/month last I checked, and they have an ever-increasing variety of shows and such on there. If someone asks you what you’d like for Christmas (come to think of it, I seem to remember you have an anniversary coming up, too?) that might be a great idea–nice and concrete, very easy for the person to purchase, or for multiple friends to go in on. (“Since you asked, I’d love a gift certificate for Netflix/Hulu/your streaming option of choice.”)

Another option might be a boxed DVD set of a favorite show, and then binge-watching it for a couple of weeks. One of my friends’ husbands always buys her a box set of something funny and totally mindless when she has a new baby, something to while away the long newborn nursing sessions at night. I think the last kid came with a complete boxed set of the 80s or 90s show “The Nanny.” Like I said…totally mindless, and absolutely worth it if it gets your mind off of things. Box sets of older shows can be picked up online in good condition for far less than new, too.

Lastly, speaking of boxed sets: if your husband is up for library trips, you can get a lot of boxed sets via the library, though you may need to interlibrary loan some of them. The downside to this is the going to and from the library, of course, but the upside is that it’s free!

Sometimes, the best possible thing is to get out of one’s own headspace for a while. Don’t stop praying, of course, I’m not suggesting that–just once you have, then step out of your own world for a while and into one where solutions get reliably sorted out by the end of a 30/45/60 minutes show.
 
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