So...the Friend Zone

[AnolisSagrei]

I’m in a bit of a dilemma right now, and one which I’m certain a whole lot of people can identify with. To make it short, I have been good friends with a lovely gentleman for over a year. Neither of us had any interest in dating, not just between each other, but really anyone at all, believing our callings to be that of the single person, but not religious life. During that time we have become very, very close, and we most definitely consider ourselves best friends with each other.

Well, during this time I started falling for him. He is, in every way, someone that seems ideal for me. I’ve seen him during good times and bad, in grief and joy, in casual and formal situations, and he’s had the same experiences with me. After continuous fervent prayer for months, I strongly believe that he is someone I would feel incredibly blessed to spend the rest of my life with, and I feel fortunate that I’ve been able to see him objectively without being clouded by hormones.

I’m fairly certain that he feels the same way about me. We speak almost every day, talk about anything and everything, and he keeps bringing up topics about marriage and family life, usually as hypotheticals (as in: If I were married, I’d do [this], etc.), which he never used to do. And he uses terms of endearment quite often.

I love this man dearly, even as a friend, but I am not certain 100% that he feels interest in me…I’ve asked a couple of people and they agree that it sounds like he is interested, but I am so incredibly leery of doing anything in case he does not. Because I value this friendship intensely, I simply do not want to risk changing the dynamics of it unless it’s for the better.

And I’m afraid he might think I’ve friend-zoned him. I have Asperger’s, and I’m not too good at picking up on things and responding to such things like neurotypical people can. And he’s very, very understanding, and he has assured me repeatedly that he will never ask me to do something that I am not comfortable with, and he knows that I do not take well to abrupt announcements and things like that. So I’m not sure that he is willing to risk asking me out of the blue either because he’s afraid that it might damage the friendship.

We do not have the opportunity to see each other in person very often, so it’s much harder to know what exactly someone is thinking when it comes to that sort of thing…even though I am not good at reading body language, it’s still easier than determining those kinds of feelings in written words or speaking.

I just feel like he has been trying to set up opportunities in our conversations for me to say something and it to be a graceful and comfortable way of saying something, but I don’t realize it at the time and then after we say goodbye, I want to slap my forehead because I realized that I missed an opportunity.

Anyways, sorry this is so long. Does anybody have any advice for me? Is there anything I should be doing differently? Should I just come out and say what I feel, and risk blundering it badly? Is there a good way of doing that? Should I wait for him to do that? Should I just forget about it period and just enjoy being friends only?

 

[PaulinVA]

Well, you have to ask in such a way that a response of, “Uhm, I don’t feel that way” won’t ruin the friendship.

How about asking him out? Do you do things together? Could you suggest something like lunch or whatever? See if he takes the hint. Ask him if it’s a date. That might be better than declaring your undying love for him.

 

[AnolisSagrei]

Well, you have to ask in such a way that a response of, “Uhm, I don’t feel that way” won’t ruin the friendship.

How about asking him out? Do you do things together? Could you suggest something like lunch or whatever? See if he takes the hint. Ask him if it’s a date. That might be better than declaring your undying love for him.

See, when we are able to meet up, we do all kinds of things together, so suggesting lunch is something we already do. I almost feel like we’re so comfortable with each other that there aren’t too many other options other than being somewhat explicit about it. So telling him, “Hey, would you like to go out for dinner and see a movie afterwards?” isn’t going to sound any more date-like than what we typically do.

 

[PaulinVA]

See, when we are able to meet up, we do all kinds of things together, so suggesting lunch is something we already do. I almost feel like we’re so comfortable with each other that there aren’t too many other options other than being somewhat explicit about it. So telling him, “Hey, would you like to go out for dinner and see a movie afterwards?” isn’t going to sound any more date-like than what we typically do.

Then ask him, “So, are we dating or what?”

I don’t know. I’ve been married for 30 years, so I’m probably not the best person to give dating advice.

 

[Lamentation]

I’m in a bit of a dilemma right now, and one which I’m certain a whole lot of people can identify with. To make it short, I have been good friends with a lovely gentleman for over a year. Neither of us had any interest in dating, not just between each other, but really anyone at all, believing our callings to be that of the single person, but not religious life. During that time we have become very, very close, and we most definitely consider ourselves best friends with each other.

Well, during this time I started falling for him. He is, in every way, someone that seems ideal for me. I’ve seen him during good times and bad, in grief and joy, in casual and formal situations, and he’s had the same experiences with me. After continuous fervent prayer for months, I strongly believe that he is someone I would feel incredibly blessed to spend the rest of my life with, and I feel fortunate that I’ve been able to see him objectively without being clouded by hormones.

I’m fairly certain that he feels the same way about me. We speak almost every day, talk about anything and everything, and he keeps bringing up topics about marriage and family life, usually as hypotheticals (as in: If I were married, I’d do [this], etc.), which he never used to do. And he uses terms of endearment quite often.

I love this man dearly, even as a friend, but I am not certain 100% that he feels interest in me…I’ve asked a couple of people and they agree that it sounds like he is interested, but I am so incredibly leery of doing anything in case he does not. Because I value this friendship intensely, I simply do not want to risk changing the dynamics of it unless it’s for the better.

And I’m afraid he might think I’ve friend-zoned him. I have Asperger’s, and I’m not too good at picking up on things and responding to such things like neurotypical people can. And he’s very, very understanding, and he has assured me repeatedly that he will never ask me to do something that I am not comfortable with, and he knows that I do not take well to abrupt announcements and things like that. So I’m not sure that he is willing to risk asking me out of the blue either because he’s afraid that it might damage the friendship.

We do not have the opportunity to see each other in person very often, so it’s much harder to know what exactly someone is thinking when it comes to that sort of thing…even though I am not good at reading body language, it’s still easier than determining those kinds of feelings in written words or speaking.

I just feel like he has been trying to set up opportunities in our conversations for me to say something and it to be a graceful and comfortable way of saying something, but I don’t realize it at the time and then after we say goodbye, I want to slap my forehead because I realized that I missed an opportunity.

Anyways, sorry this is so long. Does anybody have any advice for me? Is there anything I should be doing differently? Should I just come out and say what I feel, and risk blundering it badly? Is there a good way of doing that? Should I wait for him to do that? Should I just forget about it period and just enjoy being friends only?

I think it was better said in “When Harry Met Sally”.

The tl;dr version is: just tell him what’s on your mind. Doesn’t matter when or how, just do it.

Also:
http://treasure.diylol.com/uploads/...or-our-brothers-in-the-friend-zone-18053f.jpg

 

[Xantippe]

I’m in a bit of a dilemma right now, and one which I’m certain a whole lot of people can identify with. To make it short, I have been good friends with a lovely gentleman for over a year. Neither of us had any interest in dating, not just between each other, but really anyone at all, believing our callings to be that of the single person, but not religious life. During that time we have become very, very close, and we most definitely consider ourselves best friends with each other.

Well, during this time I started falling for him. He is, in every way, someone that seems ideal for me. I’ve seen him during good times and bad, in grief and joy, in casual and formal situations, and he’s had the same experiences with me. After continuous fervent prayer for months, I strongly believe that he is someone I would feel incredibly blessed to spend the rest of my life with, and I feel fortunate that I’ve been able to see him objectively without being clouded by hormones.

I’m fairly certain that he feels the same way about me. We speak almost every day, talk about anything and everything, and he keeps bringing up topics about marriage and family life, usually as hypotheticals (as in: If I were married, I’d do [this], etc.), which he never used to do. And he uses terms of endearment quite often.

I love this man dearly, even as a friend, but I am not certain 100% that he feels interest in me…I’ve asked a couple of people and they agree that it sounds like he is interested, but I am so incredibly leery of doing anything in case he does not. Because I value this friendship intensely, I simply do not want to risk changing the dynamics of it unless it’s for the better.

And I’m afraid he might think I’ve friend-zoned him. I have Asperger’s, and I’m not too good at picking up on things and responding to such things like neurotypical people can. And he’s very, very understanding, and he has assured me repeatedly that he will never ask me to do something that I am not comfortable with, and he knows that I do not take well to abrupt announcements and things like that. So I’m not sure that he is willing to risk asking me out of the blue either because he’s afraid that it might damage the friendship.

We do not have the opportunity to see each other in person very often, so it’s much harder to know what exactly someone is thinking when it comes to that sort of thing…even though I am not good at reading body language, it’s still easier than determining those kinds of feelings in written words or speaking.

I just feel like he has been trying to set up opportunities in our conversations for me to say something and it to be a graceful and comfortable way of saying something, but I don’t realize it at the time and then after we say goodbye, I want to slap my forehead because I realized that I missed an opportunity.

Anyways, sorry this is so long. Does anybody have any advice for me? Is there anything I should be doing differently? Should I just come out and say what I feel, and risk blundering it badly? Is there a good way of doing that? Should I wait for him to do that? Should I just forget about it period and just enjoy being friends only?

Minimally, I think it’s time that you announce that you’ve decided that you are interested in marriage and family and you are thinking about dating.

See what happens after that.

He may be being so respectful that he doesn’t realize your thoughts have changed with regard to your vocation.

 

[Joe_5859]

I believe it was G.K. Chesterton that famously said, “If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing badly.”

My wife and I started out as really good friends. We’d had most of those types of serious conversations that dating people have before we ever started dating. Like you, things began to shift and I realized that I wanted to be dating her and not just friends with her.

It was intimidating to sit down and have that conversation (to put it mildly!), and I know I pretty much fumbled my way through it with all the social grace of bull in a china shop. But it worked out.

I am ordinarily in favor of the guy making the first move. So you might well consider the advice of others as to whether a more general “I’m now open to marriage” type of statement might encourage him to take action.

But with your Asperger’s, I can definitely understand how – even if he were interested – he would not want to shake things up for you for fear of how you might take it. That being the case, you might opt to be more direct about it. Just be as sensitive as you can be about not putting him on the spot or making him feel backed into a corner so that he can make it known if it turns out he’s not really ready yet without either of you feeling that the friendship has been damaged by the conversation.

Of course, what you most want to do is to pray through it all. I never would have made it through without copious amounts of prayer!

God bless!

 

[PaulGH]

How about saying something like this:

“Our friendship means a great deal to me, and I hope I will never do anything to lose you as a friend. I will be very happy if we go on as friends for the rest of our lives, and I would be devastated if I ever lost you as a friend. But lately I have realized that I would be even happier if we were more than just friends. Have you ever thought of anything like that?”

 

[Joe_5859]

How about saying something like this:

“Our friendship means a great deal to me, and I hope I will never do anything to lose you as a friend. I will be very happy if we go on as friends for the rest of our lives, and I would be devastated if I ever lost you as a friend. But lately I have realized that I would be even happier if we were more than just friends. Have you ever thought of anything like that?”

That’s a very nice way to phrase it.

 

[Xantippe]

That’s a very nice way to phrase it.

Yes–very good phrasing.

 

[chevalier]

You could probably even just ask him something like: ‘Have you ever considered the possibility of us being more than friends?’ It is a request for information, not for action. His response would be information, too, not a turn down if it were to be in the negative.

However, the friendship you have is something quite precious and, for lack of a better word, rather solemn — perhaps too much so for so for what could be vain flirting or other ouvertures with less nobility. Perhaps sitting down and talking about it in an open but respectful and considerate way would be more fitting. An honest question and an honest answer, even if he isn’t interested, may cause less damage than an attempt at a game.

You have some time to think, but I think it would be a good idea to avoid being too formulaic, too rehearsed.

As for asking questions of this kind, it’s not that a proper lady can’t. It’s more in the area of how she’d do it. I think you have what it takes to think of a way.

In any case, I wouldn’t ask him through a friend or a joke because his answer wouldn’t be too safe then, and this is too important to take any chances or guesses. For the same reason I wouldn’t just simply tell him in an abstract way that you’ve decided to try dating — he could think that you aren’t giving him a chance or that you’re giving him notice to step back a little and make room for a prospective boyfriend in your life. If anything, you could perhaps tell him that you’ve decided to become open to dating and that it was only fair to let him know so that he could ask you out if he wanted. That would be a candid and tactful green light without actually pursuing him or putting him in an awkward situation if he didn’t want to.

Even so, you may still decide that the right thing to do would be to just talk to him about how you feel. This is because you aren’t interested in dating in general as much as in dating him. The nature of your change of mind is more specific and personal than general.

Depending on how you feel about the need to do so, you may want to reassure him (just tell him) that your friendly feelings for him have been genuine (still are) and they weren’t driven by just simply fancying him.

Now about some things you said:

You mentioned someone that seems ideal for you. Don’t fall in the trap of allowing the pieces of the puzzle to fall together too easily. Don’t confuse what there is with what you think would be ideal that there were. Even if would feel, and even if you would be, incredibly blessed to spend the rest of life with him doesn’t necessarily mean (although it very well might be so) that he is the only right person for you. As for having been able to see him objectively without being clouded by hormones, I wouldn’t presume that. It’s easy to be mistaken in such situations.

… And perhaps tell him that it’s okay to say no, that it’s okay to take time to think (that you’d rather not have an impulsive answer anyway but a well thought one), that if he had any reservations you’d sooner hear now than later.

 

[Irishmom2]

You could probably even just ask him something like: ‘Have you ever considered the possibility of us being more than friends?’ It is a request for information, not for action. His response would be information, too, not a turn down if it were to be in the negative.

I agree with this. You aren’t saying hey, I want to date you, or do you want to date me. It is more subtle (as Chevalier is the master at ) and leaves him some room to go either way without coming off as being pressured into anything.

Good luck to you, this may be the start of something nice!

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

I think it was better said in “When Harry Met Sally”.

The tl;dr version is: just tell him what’s on your mind. Doesn’t matter when or how, just do it.

Also:
http://treasure.diylol.com/uploads/...or-our-brothers-in-the-friend-zone-18053f.jpg

Haha, I liked that one.

For the OP, with Asperger’s … that’s a tough one. Them that have it really have to work hard to read the social cues. But you want this one. God bless ya… Saying so outright doesn’t seem a good fit here, seems like you and he have to ease into this discussion. Perhaps you can figure out how to escalate slowly and hope he picks up the ball before you have to hit him over the head with the idea.

 

[PrayerShark]

Stop over-complicating it and just tell him how you feel.

Then you can pull him close for a total make-out session like he’s never had before. That should give him a good idea that he’s no longer in the friend zone.

 

[Mintaka]

So PrayerShark, I understand that you like writing romance novels! I think you can make a lot of money self-publishing on Amazon.

But seriously, I think that advising a sudden assault/makeout session is not appropriate advice here. You might be surprised how often that doesn’t work, in real life with real people.

Let the original poster be herself.

 

[Xantippe]

So PrayerShark, I understand that you like writing romance novels! I think you can make a lot of money self-publishing on Amazon.

But seriously, I think that advising a sudden assault/makeout session is not appropriate advice here. You might be surprised how often that doesn’t work, in real life with real people.

Let the original poster be herself.

Yes.

 

[PrayerShark]

It worked on me - my wife gave up with the hints and did the same thing. I nearly had a heart attack, but if I’d died then it would have been a great way to go. I also went home that night looking like a grinning idiot.

Men are clueless and from all accounts he obviously likes her. So why waste time with a bunch of complicated strategies? She should just go for it before some other girl walks into the picture.

 

[CatholicGuy31]

Seems a lot of good advice has already been posted. The ones about letting him know that you have changed your mind about single life are a very good starting point. I think this is one of those barriers that any Catholic gentleman will not cross.

It sounds like you have the opportunity for a loving relationship leading to marriage and these don’t usually come around very often. So I personally think it is worth a few risks.

May our Blessed Virgin Mother guide you into doing the right thing.

 

[Xantippe]

Seems a lot of good advice has already been posted. The ones about letting him know that you have changed your mind about single life are a very good starting point. I think this is one of those barriers that any Catholic gentleman will not cross.

That’s a good point.

 

[Rdunbar123]

I’m in a bit of a dilemma right now, and one which I’m certain a whole lot of people can identify with. To make it short, I have been good friends with a lovely gentleman for over a year. Neither of us had any interest in dating, not just between each other, but really anyone at all, believing our callings to be that of the single person, but not religious life. During that time we have become very, very close, and we most definitely consider ourselves best friends with each other.

Well, during this time I started falling for him. He is, in every way, someone that seems ideal for me. I’ve seen him during good times and bad, in grief and joy, in casual and formal situations, and he’s had the same experiences with me. After continuous fervent prayer for months, I strongly believe that he is someone I would feel incredibly blessed to spend the rest of my life with, and I feel fortunate that I’ve been able to see him objectively without being clouded by hormones.

I’m fairly certain that he feels the same way about me. We speak almost every day, talk about anything and everything, and he keeps bringing up topics about marriage and family life, usually as hypotheticals (as in: If I were married, I’d do [this], etc.), which he never used to do. And he uses terms of endearment quite often.

I love this man dearly, even as a friend, but I am not certain 100% that he feels interest in me…I’ve asked a couple of people and they agree that it sounds like he is interested, but I am so incredibly leery of doing anything in case he does not. Because I value this friendship intensely, I simply do not want to risk changing the dynamics of it unless it’s for the better.

And I’m afraid he might think I’ve friend-zoned him. I have Asperger’s, and I’m not too good at picking up on things and responding to such things like neurotypical people can. And he’s very, very understanding, and he has assured me repeatedly that he will never ask me to do something that I am not comfortable with, and he knows that I do not take well to abrupt announcements and things like that. So I’m not sure that he is willing to risk asking me out of the blue either because he’s afraid that it might damage the friendship.

We do not have the opportunity to see each other in person very often, so it’s much harder to know what exactly someone is thinking when it comes to that sort of thing…even though I am not good at reading body language, it’s still easier than determining those kinds of feelings in written words or speaking.

I just feel like he has been trying to set up opportunities in our conversations for me to say something and it to be a graceful and comfortable way of saying something, but I don’t realize it at the time and then after we say goodbye, I want to slap my forehead because I realized that I missed an opportunity.

Anyways, sorry this is so long. Does anybody have any advice for me? Is there anything I should be doing differently? Should I just come out and say what I feel, and risk blundering it badly? Is there a good way of doing that? Should I wait for him to do that? Should I just forget about it period and just enjoy being friends only?

Sounds like you already have a relationship most marriedpeople would kill for