So under what circumstances should we discuss a family problem on CAF?

[heidi_storage]

I posted a thread that got deleted, perhaps, as my husband suggested, because it alluded to another thread that had been locked. Sorry, great and mighty moderators!

But lately I have been thinking about the consequences that might arise from a spouse registering complaints here, only to have that thread uncovered by the other spouse in the marriage; or, to keep it general, complaints about family being discovered by the subject of the complaints. Also, we are, necessarily, getting just one side of the story, and our responses are limited accordingly.

I definitely hope that people who have been abused and come on here get a good dose of perspective, and the valuable advice that they need to remove themselves from the abusive situation. However, in other circumstances, does it bother anyone else when family members–especially spouses–complain about their loved ones?

(I know, I know, I’m laying myself open to the “Well YOU don’t have to participate in the forums” charge, but I am not saying that posting about family life is wrong; it just seems to me that in some circumstances, it can worsen the poster’s situation and perhaps cause great harm.)

 

[Allegra]

I guess we have to trust the judgement of the person posting, that their spouse wouldn’t read it. I, for one, KNOW that my spouse would read it, so I won’t complain about him on CA. He’s a perfect saint, anyway.

 

[Xantippe]

I think it’s important to have “safe” venues to talk about problems without that conversation automatically getting back to the person we were discussing. In normal life, a lot of the people we normally confide in are off-limits for talking about problems with our spouse. We shouldn’t complain to our moms or siblings in great detail about problems with our spouse (unless it’s really bad and we need immediate help of some kind). And if we frequently socialize as couples, confiding in a member of the couple can be awkward or cause loyalty issues. There are “safe” people to talk to about confidential issues–a pastor or a therapist or a lawyer, but a lot of people aren’t in a position to get that kind of help yet (there was a poster who was literally stuck on an island at some point, plus a lot of our posters have small children stuck to them all the time like baby opossums or live in small towns and feel awkward talking to their own pastors who think that they are super awesome Catholics with amazing marriages).

Hence the value of the internet. We on CAF can say 1) yeah, you’re being unreasonable (and we do say that to some people), or 2) the other person is being unreasonable and here’s what you can say to them, or 3) it sounds like you need to find an in-real-life person to talk to as soon as possible (and we say that a lot). Hopefully, that moves the person forward rather than just providing an opportunity to gripe.

I would encourage posters with sensitive issues to do the following:

–keep locations somewhat vague
–don’t use real names, please!
–if your spouse is abusive, think about the fact that you’ll get automatic responses to your CAF thread via email

 

[tabycat]

I think it’s important to have “safe” venues to talk about problems without that conversation automatically getting back to the person we were discussing. In normal life, a lot of the people we normally confide in are off-limits for talking about problems with our spouse. We shouldn’t complain to our moms or siblings in great detail about problems with our spouse (unless it’s really bad and we need immediate help of some kind). And if we frequently socialize as couples, confiding in a member of the couple can be awkward or cause loyalty issues. There are “safe” people to talk to about confidential issues–a pastor or a therapist or a lawyer, but a lot of people aren’t in a position to get that kind of help yet (there was a poster who was literally stuck on an island at some point, plus a lot of our posters have small children stuck to them all the time like baby opossums or live in small towns and feel awkward talking to their own pastors who think that they are super awesome Catholics with amazing marriages).

Hence the value of the internet. We on CAF can say 1) yeah, you’re being unreasonable (and we do say that to some people), or 2) the other person is being unreasonable and here’s what you can say to them, or 3) it sounds like you need to find an in-real-life person to talk to as soon as possible (and we say that a lot). Hopefully, that moves the person forward rather than just providing an opportunity to gripe.

I would encourage posters with sensitive issues to do the following:

–keep locations somewhat vague
–don’t use real names, please!
–if your spouse is abusive, think about the fact that you’ll get automatic responses to your CAF thread via email

 

[CB_Catholic]

I posted a thread that got deleted, perhaps, as my husband suggested, because it alluded to another thread that had been locked. Sorry, great and mighty moderators!

But lately I have been thinking about the consequences that might arise from a spouse registering complaints here, only to have that thread uncovered by the other spouse in the marriage; or, to keep it general, complaints about family being discovered by the subject of the complaints. Also, we are, necessarily, getting just one side of the story, and our responses are limited accordingly.

I definitely hope that people who have been abused and come on here get a good dose of perspective, and the valuable advice that they need to remove themselves from the abusive situation. However, in other circumstances, does it bother anyone else when family members–especially spouses–complain about their loved ones?

(I know, I know, I’m laying myself open to the “Well YOU don’t have to participate in the forums” charge, but I am not saying that posting about family life is wrong; it just seems to me that in some circumstances, it can worsen the poster’s situation and perhaps cause great harm.)

It bothers me to the extent that we are only hearing one side of the story, usually, and that an internet forum with complete strangers is no place to be trying to solve complex family issues. The proper place to do that is in some sort of counseling. Posters could very well give advice that would further exacerbate the situation if followed.

I think that most of those who are being abused know they should leave the situation, but are unable to detach themselves emotionally or are in mortal fear of the abuser. This is the the one time that the advice to “get out now” and seek protection should be followed without delay and is legitimate. Any time one or one’s children are in harm’s way, they need to leave. There is no excuse, esp., to subject children to abuse.

Other than such a situation, we don’t have any business giving much marital advice. If the posts are carefully read, one can discern that most people already have a clue to the answer–they just aren’t confident in acting. Most of it is common sense, and most know they should seek outside counseling.

 

[Xantippe]

It bothers me to the extent that we are only hearing one side of the story, usually, and that an internet forum with complete strangers is no place to be trying to solve complex family issues. The proper place to do that is in some sort of counseling. Posters could very well give advice that would further exacerbate the situation if followed.

I think that most of those who are being abused know they should leave the situation, but are unable to detach themselves emotionally or are in mortal fear of the abuser. This is the the one time that the advice to “get out now” and seek protection should be followed without delay and is legitimate. Any time one or one’s children are in harm’s way, they need to leave. There is no excuse, esp., to subject children to abuse.

Other than such a situation, we don’t have any business giving much marital advice. If the posts are carefully read, one can discern that most people already have a clue to the answer–they just aren’t confident in acting. Most of it is common sense, and most know they should seek outside counseling.

Maybe we ought to ask more often, “So what does your husband/wife/daughter/son/etc. say in their defense?” That might be helpful.

 

[Lil_Cat]

Yeah, DH started a thread about me a few years ago. I responded and t got ugly at our house.

I personally think marriage threads should be banned but I doubt it will happen.

ETA: We laugh about it now but it was a bad situation at the time. Not everyone is so lucky to be able to laugh about it years later.

 

[maryjk]

Most of the time, I think it is pretty incredible what people will post here about their spouse.

But then again, I don’t complain about my husband to anyone but my husband. I believe that complaining to anyone that will listen harms your marriage. That includes complaining here.

 

[Lorelei12]

Most of the time, I think it is pretty incredible what people will post here about their spouse.

But then again, I don’t complain about my husband to anyone but my husband. I believe that complaining to anyone that will listen harms your marriage. That includes complaining here.

I’m with you; I’d never post anything about my husband that I wouldn’t say to his face. In the same way that I’d never say anything to a family member or friend that I wouldn’t say in front of him or to him. But I am in what I consider to be a good marriage, I have a reasonable, kind husband, and we communicate fairly well.

Those who have trouble probably do benefit from reading some of the responses to their situation. I do think that when posters here write about a marital situation, many of those who respond are generally quick to point out whether they are being ridiculous or not, or whether the situation is complicated enough to necessitate counseling.

 

[system]

I posted a thread that got deleted, perhaps, as my husband suggested, because it alluded to another thread that had been locked. Sorry, great and mighty moderators!

But lately I have been thinking about the consequences that might arise from a spouse registering complaints here, only to have that thread uncovered by the other spouse in the marriage; or, to keep it general, complaints about family being discovered by the subject of the complaints. Also, we are, necessarily, getting just one side of the story, and our responses are limited accordingly.

I definitely hope that people who have been abused and come on here get a good dose of perspective, and the valuable advice that they need to remove themselves from the abusive situation. However, in other circumstances, does it bother anyone else when family members–especially spouses–complain about their loved ones?

(I know, I know, I’m laying myself open to the “Well YOU don’t have to participate in the forums” charge, but I am not saying that posting about family life is wrong; it just seems to me that in some circumstances, it can worsen the poster’s situation and perhaps cause great harm.)

It’s pretty safe to say the members of this forum aren’t responsible or informed enough to give any advice to people about their family problems – especially when they are hearing one side of the story. Too many of the so-called “Catholics” in the forum are quick to advise wives to “separate” from their husbands and use “hard ball” tactics to get their way, while knowing virtually nothing about another’s marriage.

What is amazing is that the advice of these toxic people is 100% contrary to Catholic teaching and tradition. Maybe they should rename this form the “Feminist Answers Forum.”

 

[mommy_k]

It’s not only husbands .Kids are very computer savvy and also can be hurt by posts about them or given too much info about things when they read.

If you stay logged in your log in name appears on the top. If someone uses the same computer they know your posts, and have access to everything. Also history trails and so on, would lead them right to them.

So never post anything that can hurt.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

It’s pretty safe to say the members of this forum aren’t responsible or informed enough to give any advice to people about their family problems – especially when they are hearing one side of the story. **Too many of the so-called “Catholics” in the forum are quick to advise wives to “separate” from their husbands and use “hard ball” tactics to get their way, while knowing virtually nothing about another’s marriage. **

What is amazing is that the advice of these toxic people is 100% contrary to Catholic teaching and tradition. Maybe they should rename this form the “Feminist Answers Forum.”

I agree wholeheartedly. Especially about the bolded. Something about how easy it is to tear men down without hearing their side of the story makes me very uneasy. When a wife has friends like that, I pray for her children. If there is real abuse or real adultery, that is one thing, but most marriage issues fall short of that. Fatherless children are a blight on our society and culture, let’s not add to that problem. We should be encouraging commitment, not separation.

 

[maryjk]

I agree wholeheartedly. Especially about the bolded. Something about how easy it is to tear men down without hearing their side of the story makes me very uneasy. When a wife has friends like that, I pray for her children. If there is real abuse or real adultery, that is one thing, but most marriage issues fall short of that. Fatherless children are a blight on our society and culture, let’s not add to that problem. We should be encouraging commitment, not separation.

Vs, fake abuse or fake adultery?

 

[Allegra]

Fatherless children are a blight on our society and culture, let’s not add to that problem.

I hope you didn’t mean that the way it came out. I know lots of wonderful people who were fatherless. Also, the fact that a man is no longer legally married to a woman does not excuse him from being a father. If he bails on his kids just because his marriage fell apart, he probaly was a lousy father to begin with. Believe it or not, there are many men who are wonderful fathers to their children, despite not being married to their children’s mothers.

 

[Xantippe]

Another thing is, there are people who when they get discontented, go directly to Divorce, immediately. Once they’ve decided they’re unhappy, that’s it. (My aunt’s husband was kind of like that. After 19 years of marriage, she didn’t even know they were unhappy, until she found out that he was having an affair and he left. She would have gone to counseling, done anything to save their marriage, but he was already headed out the door.)

Anytime you can get somebody to stop and think, what am I discontented about, and is there anything concretely I can do to improve the situation now?, that’s a good thing.

It’s genuinely weird to point to CAF as a hotbed of Divorce Now. Lots of people here (including myself) almost never mention it, unless there is some sort of imminent disaster that can be prevented via divorce.

 

[PeopleGrowing]

Vs, fake abuse or fake adultery?

Yes, fake abuse being, for example, claims of “controlling behavior” when he tells her to cut up her credit card because she has a spending problem. Fake adultery being, for example, being too-good-friends with a pretty young woman for a jealous wife’s comfort. These examples go both ways, of course.

I hope you didn’t mean that the way it came out. I know lots of wonderful people who were fatherless. Also, the fact that a man is no longer legally married to a woman does not excuse him from being a father. If he bails on his kids just because his marriage fell apart, he probaly was a lousy father to begin with. Believe it or not, there are many men who are wonderful fathers to their children, despite not being married to their children’s mothers.

Indeed, it is our Christian duty to have mercy on the fatherless, yet the other commenter is not wrong for noting the general tendency that fatherless children are a downward pull on society. This effect can be ameliorated by acts of Christian compassion, as we are called to do, but it nevertheless exists. Being fatherless does not mean a person is a lost cause, but it does mean they will probably struggle more and have life harder just to reach what other people might consider “normal”. That is WHY we are called to provide them with aid.

As far as fathers bailing when a marriage is dissolved, no doubt that is the case in some situations, perhaps even many. And yet, there are also many cases where, once a mother has custody, she makes it difficult for a father to be anything more to her children than a regular child support payment. While CS payments are fairly rigorously enforced, there is almost no enforcement pertaining to visitation rights. So there are many men who would love to be good fathers, but our abominable family court system has made it very difficult, if not impossible to do so once divorce is granted.

 

[Allegra]

So there are many men who would love to be good fathers, but our abominable family court system has made it very difficult, if not impossible to do so once divorce is granted.

Actually, that’s not really true. In most jurisdictions, if a parent is not abiding by the visitation agreement decided in court, it is quite easy for the other parent to make a complaint and it is quite likely that the noncompliant parent will be held in contempt of court, fined, and could easily lose custodial rights. In the past, the court system has often assumed the mother to be the more appropriate parent expect in cases of extreme abuse, however, in the past decade the courts have been taking the role of fathers much more seriously, awarding joint custody whenever possible, ensuring visitations agreements are honored, and seriously disciplining instances of parental alienation.