So, what is a real marriage?

[90Domer]

It is ridiculous! Totally ridiculous to let someone 14 or 16 get married & then say they’re in it for life! Maybe the priest would turn up to the weddin even g but if it were my child i would not. Even priests who sign up for the seminary at 14 can leave years later & get married - they are not bound for life.

My grandmother got married at 14, and she did believe she was in it for life. And she was. Her sister got married at 16 and stayed married for life. It happens successfully.

 

[jmcrae]

Regardless, it is still not true (as was suggested) that being married to someone who has received a decree of nullity means you are also “married” to that other person.

That person will always be in your life because of the inlaws and the nieces and nephews, even if there were no children in the actual marriage. You are still Aunty or Uncle to any children born to your former spouse’s brothers and sisters. That part can’t change, not even with a Declaration of Nullity.

 

[Kelfa28]

Since when did the teaching that marriage is for life become controversial or “heartless”? Pretty sure everyone was in agreement on this for centuries.

See that is what baffles me.

You get married FOR LIFE.

I seriously want to beat people over the head with a bat labeled “FOR LIFE” to knock some sense into them.

Marriage prep should be just that…one or tow meetings where the couple goes in and the priest just repeats the words “This is FOR LIFE” over and over again.

Any reservations now? Because after that wedding day…you’re done, no do-overs.

 

[JackieMom]

See that is what baffles me.

You get married FOR LIFE.

I seriously want to beat people over the head with a bat labeled “FOR LIFE” to knock some sense into them.

Marriage prep should be just that…one or tow meetings where the couple goes in and the priest just repeats the words “This is FOR LIFE” over and over again.

Any reservations now? Because after that wedding day…you’re done, no do-overs.

Half of our young adults come from broken homes. With that example, is it any wonder people consider it okay to end an unhappy or difficult marriage?

 

[Rose74]

I guess my original post failed to mention that with so many people coming from broken families/homes, so many people marry without the knowledge of what a true marriage is all about. It isn’t about how “happy” you are or the wonderful wedding you’re planning, it is about creating a lifelong new family. So many people see marriage as just a relational issue, rather than an exclusive, permanent commitment. Can we really blame those who have no idea of what marriage is all about? I come from a family with lifelong marriages. My husband doesn’t. He followed the customs of his family of origen and married someone he knew for barely two months. It was a disaster from the day of the wedding until 10 months later. Even the minister who married them didn’t think it would last. If even the minister doesn’t believe in the union, why should the couple? The whole thing was a farce. My husband just hoped the marriage would make everything better. It didn’t. My husband is unbaptized, so his situation is different than the one in the other thread. His marriage can be dissolved, but I’m afraid to open up that part of my life to what could be an arbitrary ruling by a tribunal. Ours is what a real marriage is all about.

 

[JackieMom]

My grandmother got married at 14, and she did believe she was in it for life. And she was. Her sister got married at 16 and stayed married for life. It happens successfully.

That’s wonderful, and a lovely story. My great grandmother married an angry drunk at 16 (he was 22) and stayed in the marriage “for life” too, because divorcing was such a scandal and she was Catholic. That “for life” included him drowning at the age of 30 (drunk fishing), leaving my great grandma penniless with four kids and debts all over town. Simply believing that marriage is for life is not enough - you have to pick your spouse very wisely. And teenagers are notorious for their irrational and poor decision making.

 

[Kelfa28]

Half of our young adults come from broken homes. With that example, is it any wonder people consider it okay to end an unhappy or difficult marriage?

I dunno…I wanted to think that since so many kids absolutely hate divorce and hate what it felt like to come from a broken home…they’d try harder to stop something like that from happening to their kids.

My husband came from a broken home. He would have been fine with the separation but he never forgave his parents for putting him through the litany of girlfriends and boyfriends his parents had…including cohabitation…after the divorce.

That was too much for him to take and, to this day, it hurts him. It took him quite awhile to be comfortable with the idea of marriage for himself.

 

[JackieMom]

I dunno…I wanted to think that since so many kids absolutely hate divorce and hate what it felt like to come from a broken home…they’d try harder to stop something like that from happening to their kids.

My husband came from a broken home. He would have been fine with the separation but he never forgave his parents for putting him through the litany of girlfriends and boyfriends his parents had…including cohabitation…after the divorce.

That was too much for him to take and, to this day, it hurts him. It took him quite awhile to be comfortable with the idea of marriage for himself.

Yeah, but I think it’s almost like child abuse or domestic violence. You hated it when it happened to you (or your mom, siblings, etc.), and you know it’s awful, but it still means you’re more likely to perpetrate it later on in life yourself. In some ways it serves to justify your own childhood, too.

 

[The_Bucket]

Ours is what a real marriage is all about.

Except that it isn’t, because it’s not sacramental and not valid. I’m not saying that to be glib, I’m saying that because it’s the reality of the situation.

 

[jmcrae]

Simply believing that marriage is for life is not enough - you have to pick your spouse very wisely. And teenagers are notorious for their irrational and poor decision making.

If they understand with their gut that there is no getting out when things go wrong, they will be far more likely to make better choices. If they “get” that you can’t “unfriend” your spouse when he turns out to be an idiot, they will be less likely to marry them.

It starts with how the child is taught to choose his friends in the first place. If he is allowed to choose toxic people to hang around with when he’s five, then he’ll still be making poor choices when it comes time to get married. But if he is taught to choose friends who will help him become a better person, and who will support him in his good choices, then he is more likely to choose a good spouse.

 

[Rose74]

My husband hates what his parents divorce did to him. However, when he was married to a compulsive liar, he realized within about 8 months that he could never have children with her. It took him about six months to realize that she was a compulsive liar. If they had dated longer, the relationship would have broken off with less than six months. She was committing adultery within four months of the wedding. He had to get out.

 

[jmcrae]

My husband hates what his parents divorce did to him. However, when he was married to a compulsive liar, he realized within about 8 months that he could never have children with her. It took him about six months to realize that she was a compulsive liar. If they had dated longer, the relationship would have broken off with less than six months. She was committing adultery within four months of the wedding. He had to get out.

He did have to get out, certainly - for his mental health. But that doesn’t mean that he was required to remarry - especially if he doesn’t think the Tribunal will take his case, or find in favour of a Declaration of Nullity.

 

[90Domer]

I want to say that I am speaking from personal experience and from having done marriage preparation for a number of years.

I totally agree with the other posters that couples need to understand that “for life” means “FOR LIFE.” The sacramental aspect of marriage has totally been lost or largely ignored with many couples.

When I was engaged everyone around me–parents, priest, marriage prep–drilled into us that marriage was a serious commitment and you better get it right because you have to live with your decision for the rest of your life. My husband and I took that message very seriously, so much so that we postponed our wedding to ensure that we were making the right decision.

I truly feel for those who find themselves in tough marriages–mine hasn’t been perfect by any means. However, you receive grace from honoring your vows and working through your problems as a couple. And perhaps that is the crux of the issue. Too few married couples think of themselves as a couple first and an individual second. Nothing should supersede the couple in a marriage. When my husband and I make decisions, it is as a couple first. Granted, this mode of thinking didn’t come overnight and not without hurt feelings. However, we overcame the differences and grew stronger because of it. And now our son has an example of how we work through our problems and grow together as a result.

I truly believe that we, as Catholics, need to do a better job preparing our engaged couples.

 

[Rose74]

He did have to get out, certainly - for his mental health. But that doesn’t mean that he was required to remarry - especially if he doesn’t think the Tribunal will take his case, or find in favour of a Declaration of Nullity.

My husband is unbaptized (was raised a mormon) and doesn’t believe in the tribunal system to begin with. I’d be the one to request him to file. He believes only in non-religious marriage (marriage can be dissolved for good cause).

 

[jmcrae]

My husband is unbaptized (was raised a mormon) and doesn’t believe in the tribunal system to begin with. I’d be the one to request him to file. He believes only in non-religious marriage (marriage can be dissolved for good cause).

So, that’s why he didn’t know any better.

 

[90Domer]

That’s wonderful, and a lovely story. My great grandmother married an angry drunk at 16 (he was 22) and stayed in the marriage “for life” too, because divorcing was such a scandal and she was Catholic. That “for life” included him drowning at the age of 30 (drunk fishing), leaving my great grandma penniless with four kids and debts all over town. Simply believing that marriage is for life is not enough - you have to pick your spouse very wisely. And teenagers are notorious for their irrational and poor decision making.

Believe it or not, my grandmother’s marriage was an arranged marriage. She and her sister married my grandfather and his brother. It was a Catholic marriage that yielded 11 children, one which became a priest.

I totally agree that you have to pick your spouse wisely. But I think the mind set of marriage being for life has to be firmly established before you get engaged–heck, even before you start dating. I think it goes hand-in-hand with teaching that sex is reserved for marriage and a gift you give to your spouse. I think all bets are off for a lasting marriage if that mind set isn’t firmly established.

 

[JackieMom]

Believe it or not, my grandmother’s marriage was an arranged marriage. She and her sister married my grandfather and his brother. It was a Catholic marriage that yielded 11 children, one which became a priest.

I totally agree that you have to pick your spouse wisely. But I think the mind set of marriage being for life has to be firmly established before you get engaged–heck, even before you start dating. I think it goes hand-in-hand with teaching that sex is reserved for marriage and a gift you give to your spouse. I think all bets are off for a lasting marriage if that mind set isn’t firmly established.

I think when we’re talking teens marrying, having the match arranged by mature, experienced parents is the way to go!

 

[Rose74]

So, that’s why he didn’t know any better.

At the time of our marriage, I was away from the church. I knew he was divorced and thought the marriages of an unbaptized person didn’t count. My grandparents were married in the rectory in the 40s because my grandpa was unbaptized. My grandma always said she could divorce him since it wasn’t sacramental (she didn’t- they were married 60 years). I had no reason to believe she was wrong on that. I only recently discovered the truth about this when I was thinking we could have a church wedding.

 

[90Domer]

If they understand with their gut that there is no getting out when things go wrong, they will be far more likely to make better choices. If they “get” that you can’t “unfriend” your spouse when he turns out to be an idiot, they will be less likely to marry them.

It starts with how the child is taught to choose his friends in the first place. If he is allowed to choose toxic people to hang around with when he’s five, then he’ll still be making poor choices when it comes time to get married. But if he is taught to choose friends who will help him become a better person, and who will support him in his good choices, then he is more likely to choose a good spouse.

 

[90Domer]

I think when we’re talking teens marrying, having the match arranged by mature, experienced parents is the way to go!

You brought up something very significant. These marriages had the strong support of family members who laid a solid foundation. This is where I think we as a church are failing. Personally, I think most couples going through marriage prep do not take the classes or the message seriously. I have to admit that frustrated me and my husband greatly. Because young couples may not have the foundation established in their families of origin, we need to step up to better prepare them for the sacrament…and emphasize the sacramentality of marriage.