Sober Alcoholic Seeking Forgiveness from Spouse

[PeppyGirl]

Hi,

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am hoping that you will give me some good insight because I am not sure where else to turn right now. My husband and I are both Catholic and were married in the Catholic Church over 10 years ago. We have 4 children together. I love him very much and want to stay married.

After my last child was born I succumbed to the grips of active alcoholism. Over the course of 18 tumultuous months I was finally able to get sober by the Grace of God and working a thorough AA Program. During my active drinking I did many things that I am not proud of, most of which my husband is aware of. To the best of my knowledge I never had a physical affair (but I was a blackout drinker and there is certainly a possibility that happened and I don’t remember) but I did have many inappropriate texting relationships. My husband knows all of this.

When I entered recovery my spouse started faithfully attending Al-Anon meetings. He would drive an hour away just to find one. However it seemed as I continued to get better he got worse and worse. He got a sponsor. There was never any talk of working the steps. It was finally decided (by him) that Al-Anon was not a program of recovery for the co-dependent, it was a complaining session for people to trash talk the alcoholics in their lives. I know there are some great Al-Anon programs out there; I don’t think this was one of them After 1 year he stopped attending, saying that he always left meetings feeling worse than he did when he went in.

As part of my AA Program I made my 9th Step Amends to my husband in January. At that time he told me that he had forgiven me. However 6 months later that is unfortunately not the case.After he left Al-Anon he reached out to our priest and has been meeting with him once a week. I am not sure that he is getting any closer to forgiving me but every day I pray for the patience to get through another day because this could be THE DAY when forgiveness happens.

I have been sober 15 months. During this time I have been going out of my way to be as transparent as possible with all of my comings and goings, who I am seeing, etc. I realize that trust has been broken and I am more than willing to do whatever it takes to earn that back. I have continued to make verbal amends for activities that took place when I was actively drinking, and most importantly make ongoing living amends by living a sober life.

I am so in awe of all of the effort my spouse has put into trying to repair the damage from my disease. At the same time I am getting impatient, lonely and beaten down. I cry all of the time. My husband and I are growing further and further apart every day that he cannot open his heart to forgive me. He is holding on to so much pain and resentment towards me. He hasn’t worn his wedding ring for 2.5 years because he tells me that is how long he hasn’t felt like my husband.

Please help me by sharing any stories of experience, strength or hope with this situation. I really need to hear some of your thoughts. Thanks in advance, PG

 

[underacloud]

As part of my AA Program I made my 9th Step Amends to my husband in January. At that time he told me that he had forgiven me. However 6 months later that is unfortunately not the case.After he left Al-Anon he reached out to our priest and has been meeting with him once a week. I am not sure that he is getting any closer to forgiving me but every day I pray for the patience to get through another day because this could be THE DAY when forgiveness happens.

Perhaps I misunderstand what you mean here, but you say you made amends to your husband in January. How exactly did you make amends for the “18 tumultuous months”?

It sounds more like you have offered an apology rather than actually making amends, which is a very different thing. Making amends in this situation surely means attemtping, as much as possible, to restore your marriage and family life to better times, before the tumultuous months. That will take a long time, to rebuild trust. You can’t, and shouldn’t expect to, fix this in the time that has passed so far. I don’t have the impression from what you have written that you understand that. You give the impression that a mere apology ought to do.

You also seem to think that the goal of making amends is to receive forgiveness. This is also incorrect. The goal is to right the wrongs you did, for the sake of those you wronged, not for your own sake.

I am so in awe of all of the effort my spouse has put into trying to repair the damage from my disease. At the same time I am getting impatient, lonely and beaten down.

Yes, your writing suggests your impatience. You say there were 18 tumutluous months, and you’ve only been sober for 15 months…I’d suggest you don’t yet have the right to be impatient with those you have hurt.

Sorry if I’ve misunderstood you or sound harsh. It’s great that you’ve overcome what you have so far. I hope you can find the strength and patience to persist in getting your marriage and family back on the right track.

 

[tuscany]

**First of all, congratulations on your sobriety.

Please understand that while you are ready to move on, those you have hurt cannot snap their fingers and be ready to move on along with you. Trust is something that is earned, and it is going to take a long, long time for you to earn it back.

I am sure your husband thought he was over being hurt and said he forgave you, but in reality, that was pre-mature. When he REALLY got into his heart, he realized that he hadn’t processed any of it. Your husband isn’t doing this to punish you, you have hurt him to his core. Just as it took you X amount of time to bring all this to your family and get yourself healthy, your family is going to have to have whatever time it takes them to go through all of the baggage you brought to them.

If you notice, you being impatient, lonely ,crying and beaten down is all about you. You need to forget you, and put your family first. You seem to want to put you first, and you want your husband to put you first too. You did what you wanted and it caused all this hurt, now it’s your turn to put your family first. Love is not selfish, love puts those you love before yourself.

You need to keep reminding yourself that just because you are ready to move forward, you need to now go at the pace that the slowest of those you injured are going, and not be irritated with them. Keep being transparent, over transparent even, and know that every time your husband checks up on you that you do not have the right to be irritated, or impatient. You did this, now accept that this is the way things are until those you hurt heal. You are the one that has to keep being gracious for as long as it takes. Work on keeping a good attitude and being the best wife and mother you can be. If your husband rebuffs you, take it with grace, and keep trying again and again. Time may heal an injury, but not every injury heals in the same amount of time.

I will pray for the healing of your family. God Bless.**

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

I suggest professional therapy with someone who specializes in treating addictive disorders.

 

[mountee]

First, thank God for your sobriety and may He bless you with the strength to continue. The timing of one person’s ability to move on vs the other to put it all behind is very difficult. In our immediate family I have watched, firsthand, something very similar. I can tell you that the word that comes to mind when I think about how our family members worked through this is patience. In addition, while your husband attends meetings with his priest and you no doubt attend AA meetings you have not mentioned any couple counseling and I feel that attending counseling was the secret to the reparation of our family members marriage and faith. I will pray for you both to be able to repair your marriage.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

Sounds like you are progressing through your recovery. Here are a few factors to consider.

1. Broken people choose broken people. While you’re drinking may have kicked into overdrive after your last child, the characteristics were probably present long before. Your husband chose that person to be married to and now that person is gone. There is a grieving process that goes along with this.
2. You aren’t responsible for his happiness or lack thereof. You can’t make him happier by being more sober. If he hasn’t let go of the pain yet, your pushing him to do it won’t cause him to. Keep working on your side of the street and let him work on his. Many who find Al-Anon meetings to be like your husband did find some help at ACA (adultchildren.org) meetings. It focuses on the attendee, not the drunk and therefore seem much less like “complaint sessions”.
3. 12 months or so is usually when the initial burst of happiness is wearing off and the deeper issues begin to surface. This is where the harder recovery begins, so it sounds like you are moving right along. Many people begin to feel depressed around this time. Counseling at this point helps some people and temporary use of medication to let you feel well enough to do the deeper work.

Congratulations and keep up the good work!

 

[PeppyGirl]

Thank you all for your responses. There were so many good points said. Patience is definitely something that I pray for several times a day.

A few extra pieces of info- My spouse and I went to marriage counseling from February-August of 2013 and I got sober in May of 2013. In August we were discharged from counseling because the therapist thought it best for me to continue to work on myself and my spouse on himself before we could move forward as a couple and work on our issues. We later tried marriage counseling again from February-June 2014. During this time my spouse had many questions about my actions while I was drinking and I was completely open and honest giving him every detail that I was able to, and continually admitting my part and asking for forgiveness. In June of 2014 we were discharged from marriage therapy again after the counselor said that she could be of no more help for us as a couple until my spouse is willing to forgive me and we can move forward together instead of re-hashing the past. As one last ditch effort we then went to my sponsor (his idea) and her husband and asked them for help. They graciously met with us for several hours. (She got sober 5 years into their marriage and they have had a successful marriage for 30 years. He is not an alcoholic).

During the entire window of time (February 2013- current) both my spouse and I have continued to seek individual treatment (he with our priest and me with a therapist) and are open to going back into marriage counseling. However, both the marriage therapist and our priest have advised waiting to go back into couples’ therapy until my spouse is able to forgive and let go and then we can move forward as a couple.

I do realize that time may or may not come. I have turned this over to God and pray for the patience to accept whatever happens.

 

[Irishmom2]

I think you have gotten excellent advice here. And yes, patience is needed, but also acceptance that your husband’s forgiveness is going to take longer than 15 months. Or 18 months, or maybe many years. Sometimes the person that was “wronged” will take much longer to get over what happened than the drinking lasted, the gambling problem or the infidelity lasted, or whatever the problem was. That’s part of the price one pays when these kinds of things happen.

You cannot beg, or cajole, or plead for forgiveness. It has to be given freely, if ever, by your husband, in his own time. The best thing you can do is to endure your sadness and not cry in front of your husband. He should see you as stable, calm and patient. Remain transparent and loving, and as Wayne Dyer wrote in his book, you will “see it when you believe it.”

May God bless you and guide you and your husband.

 

[maryjk]

When I entered recovery my spouse started faithfully attending Al-Anon meetings. He would drive an hour away just to find one. However it seemed as I continued to get better he got worse and worse. He got a sponsor. There was never any talk of working the steps. It was finally decided (by him) that Al-Anon was not a program of recovery for the co-dependent, it was a complaining session for people to trash talk the alcoholics in their lives. I know there are some great Al-Anon programs out there; I don’t think this was one of them After 1 year he stopped attending, saying that he always left meetings feeling worse than he did when he went in.

Al-Anon isn’t for everyone. I was part of a group. In fact, I visited many different groups and I found it very similar what your husband found.

 

[Irishmom2]

Al-Anon isn’t for everyone. I was part of a group. In fact, I visited many different groups and I found it very similar what your husband found.

I have heard this too, and if that was your husband’s experience, it would not be helpful for him. He already has felt the pain, he doesn’t need to keep hearing it replayed over and over by people that the group has not seemed to help.

 

[Edmundus1581]

First of all, I suggest that you follow the advice of the experts who are closest to this situation, ie. your marriage therapists, your sponsor and your priest. Their advice seems to be unanimous.

Secondly, I felt that some of the responses here were harsh. One can, in a marriage, expect to be forgiven quickly. Your husband should have no power to limit or delay his forgiveness. Forgiving “from the heart” is another matter, and of course can take longer - but it is commanded by our Lord. If your husband is a Catholic then he will know God’s mercy in the sacrament of penance - which is given immediately and only asks for a sincere “sorry” and a small amends. He should also be familiar with the gospel parables and commands on forgiveness. I would prefer not to have said this, as I would rather not be saying what your husband should be doing, but some of the posts deserve a response.

Could we even say that you have a right to his forgiveness, and need to forgive him for witholding it? Possibly - but there are so many complex psychological factors here (which I will mention below), that it’s not that simple.

My main reason for posting is just to offer some information from my own experience, rather than advice.

1. Broken people choose broken people. While you’re drinking may have kicked into overdrive after your last child, the characteristics were probably present long before. Your husband chose that person to be married to and now that person is gone. There is a grieving process that goes along with this.

Very insightful! I have a brother who is an alcoholic and his partner (not wife) uses it against him all the time - to get sympathy, financial gain, and headship of the house. However, he was an active alcoholic at the time that they got together (and also when they started having children) and she was well aware of it.

Similarly, in my own marriage (now long ended), I had a habit with “girlie” mags (which shamed me deeply) and my wife had a need to control. It suited her at the start, and it also suited her as excuse ten years later to end the marriage. Although she was a professed Catholic she was able to withhold forgiveness by claiming that this one thing was too much.

…During this time my spouse had many questions about my actions while I was drinking and I was completely open and honest giving him every detail that I was able to, and continually admitting my part and asking for forgiveness. …

This is may be much more significant than you are aware.

From what I’ve heard, and also experienced, men and women have different responses to infidelity. In general, a woman doesn’t want to know the details, whereas a man does. A woman is more likely to be curious about “What’s she got that I haven’t?”, whereas a man is driven crazy by “What happened?”. It affects a man’s sexuality deeply and can even be a “turn on” for him - which also drives him crazy. When my wife had an affair I was tormented by thoughts of them together - and for many years after - but also aroused by it. You say that you don’t remember every being physically unfaithful, but the uncertainty there may be be gnawing away at him.

 

[KathyA]

My prayers are with you during this struggle. As the daughter of two alcoholic parents, I can’t even begin to tell you how I begged my mother, in particular, to get help for her addiction. So, I really commend you for doing this for yourself, your marraige and your family.

There have been times when I felt hurt by my spouse. It is so easy to let all of the negative things take over one’s thinking. Although we haven’t been where you are in trying to heal your marriage and family from the trauma of alcoholism, I have found myself, at different times in our relationship really building a case against my husband. He doesn’t help me. He doesn’t hold me. He doesn’t CARE about me. On and on I would go, compiling an ever growing list of offenses. One day, I was in the midst of doing this when I believe the Holy Spirit intervened and said “What if he were this critical of YOU?” Wow. That was pretty humbling. From then on, I tried to find just one thing each day that was a really positive thing about him. And honestly…it wasn’t that hard. Once I changed my mindset to focus on the positive, our relationship improved greatly. Could you make that suggestion to him? Tell him that you realize how hard it is to forgive you, but ask him if he would be willing to try thinking of one positive trait/quality/act per day? I’m obviously not a professional…and I don’t want to make this seem like a simple solution to a very complicated issue. I just thought since it worked for me, it might for him too.

Your husband has been hurt and you have been hurt. That is also something that makes it hard to move forward–your actions have hurt you too and especially where you are now experiencing the pain of broken trust caused at your own hand. But, I do believe that your heart truly wants to move forward as a couple and a family. Praying for you.

Kathy

 

[tuscany]

**Sorry, my cat stepped on the keyboard. **

 

[Gwendolen]

Sometimes forgiveness is not a single act, but a daily choice. Sometimes, a wrong has affected many, many areas of life, and the impact is not even processed all at once, and thus, neither can forgiveness.

Say, for example, in a situation like yours, a stay at home spouse was not attentive to the children during the time of substance abuse. If there was a babe involved, bonding might be impacted, compromising development. Or say a young teen is neglected during time of parental substance abuse, and falls way behind in school. Or finances are badly compromised, as budgeting takes discipline that would be difficult to maintain during compromised sobriety The impacts of these things may not be immediately felt during the immediate recovery period when attention is more focused on the recovering patient. When that “crisis” has passed, THEN there is the fallout.

I’m sure he did forgive you in that moment, for the hurts he was experiencing at that time. But there is so much more to feel that he was likely holding back, and couldn’t even acknowledge or process at that time, let alone forgive.

Give him time, and don’t expect forgiveness to be a single act.

 

[Edmundus1581]

Sometimes forgiveness is not a single act, but a daily choice. Sometimes, a wrong has affected many, many areas of life, and the impact is not even processed all at once, and thus, neither can forgiveness.

Say, for example, in a situation like yours, a stay at home spouse was not attentive to the children during the time of substance abuse. If there was a babe involved, bonding might be impacted, compromising development. Or say a young teen is neglected during time of parental substance abuse, and falls way behind in school. Or finances are badly compromised, as budgeting takes discipline that would be difficult to maintain during compromised sobriety The impacts of these things may not be immediately felt during the immediate recovery period when attention is more focused on the recovering patient. When that “crisis” has passed, THEN there is the fallout.

I’m sure he did forgive you in that moment, for the hurts he was experiencing at that time. But there is so much more to feel that he was likely holding back, and couldn’t even acknowledge or process at that time, let alone forgive.

Give him time, and don’t expect forgiveness to be a single act.

That’s an interesting viewpoint and insightful about such situations in general, but here could be misleading and put more pressure on the OP who, as I posted, seems to already be under unnecessary pressure.

From the information we’ve been received so far, the husband seems more interested in her past infidelities (which are of dubious extent and culpability) than what was happening with the children.

As you say, the children *may * have been damaged at important stages by the OP’s drinking. We don’t know, as this has not been mentioned yet, and it is possible for a parent to drink heavily and still stumble through their essential duties and convey love to their family. However, the children are still young and the next few years are just as important as those that have gone, and if the couple move on together, with love for each other and their children, then the past can be overcome. Time is ticking away.

There are many men (and women) who would love to be this husband’s shoes, of only having to forgive some behaviour associated with alcoholism over a short period (for which the spouse is truly sorry) and having a chance to rebuild their marriage and family. It can be much, much worse, and often is.

 

[Gwendolen]

That’s an interesting viewpoint and insightful about such situations in general, but here could be misleading and put more pressure on the OP who, as I posted, seems to already be under unnecessary pressure.

From the information we’ve been received so far, the husband seems more interested in her past infidelities (which are of dubious extent and culpability) than what was happening with the children.

As you say, the children *may * have been damaged at important stages by the OP’s drinking. We don’t know, as this has not been mentioned yet, and it is possible for a parent to drink heavily and still stumble through their essential duties and convey love to their family. However, the children are still young and the next few years are just as important as those that have gone, and if the couple move on together, with love for each other and their children, then the past can be overcome. Time is ticking away.

There are many men (and women) who would love to be this husband’s shoes, of only having to forgive some behaviour associated with alcoholism over a short period (for which the spouse is truly sorry) and having a chance to rebuild their marriage and family. It can be much, much worse, and often is.

I was not suggesting (at least definitively) that the kids were damaged, just giving an example of situations where fallout from substance abuse is echoed over a period of time, such as in the rearing of children, management of family finances ( financial indiscretions can have long term impact)

In situations where I have been grievously wronged, forgiveness was a process, not an event. The OP seems perplexed/(name removed by moderator)atient that her spouse has not “forgiven” her. We don’t know the extent of where the impact lies in their family/marriage. There is a good possibility that there are multiple areas of impact, not just the marital bed. Just trying to give examples in such a situation of how forgiveness is not always a simple act, just as becoming an alcoholic was not a simple act of having a few extra drinks. The fallout from substance abuse can be quite complex, and is digested over time.

 

[acacia12]

**First of all, congratulations on your sobriety.

Please understand that while you are ready to move on, those you have hurt cannot snap their fingers and be ready to move on along with you. Trust is something that is earned, and it is going to take a long, long time for you to earn it back.

I am sure your husband thought he was over being hurt and said he forgave you, but in reality, that was pre-mature. When he REALLY got into his heart, he realized that he hadn’t processed any of it. Your husband isn’t doing this to punish you, you have hurt him to his core. Just as it took you X amount of time to bring all this to your family and get yourself healthy, your family is going to have to have whatever time it takes them to go through all of the baggage you brought to them.

If you notice, you being impatient, lonely ,crying and beaten down is all about you. You need to forget you, and put your family first. You seem to want to put you first, and you want your husband to put you first too. You did what you wanted and it caused all this hurt, now it’s your turn to put your family first. Love is not selfish, love puts those you love before yourself.

You need to keep reminding yourself that just because you are ready to move forward, you need to now go at the pace that the slowest of those you injured are going, and not be irritated with them. Keep being transparent, over transparent even, and know that every time your husband checks up on you that you do not have the right to be irritated, or impatient. You did this, now accept that this is the way things are until those you hurt heal. You are the one that has to keep being gracious for as long as it takes. Work on keeping a good attitude and being the best wife and mother you can be. If your husband rebuffs you, take it with grace, and keep trying again and again. Time may heal an injury, but not every injury heals in the same amount of time.

I will pray for the healing of your family. God Bless.**

^ This

 

[acacia12]

Sounds like you are progressing through your recovery. Here are a few factors to consider.

1. Broken people choose broken people. While you’re drinking may have kicked into overdrive after your last child, the characteristics were probably present long before. Your husband chose that person to be married to and now that person is gone. There is a grieving process that goes along with this.

This is not necessarily true. I know people that have had good backgrounds and dated and married others with similar backgrounds and one partner abused alcohol late into the relationship/marriage. Others have had good backgrounds and dated/married people that haven’t had good backgrounds. I myself didn’t have a good background and dated someone for 9 years who came from a good,loving and caring background. My abuse of alcohol caused that relationship to end.

 

[decatholic]

Glad you found the steps and a foundation for recovery from alcoholism.

Did you review the 9th step with your sponsor before making amends? Which means also that you completed the previous eight steps- right? I sense you went into the step with expectations and demands. That attitude is not in the spirit of the step. Someone made good comments on apologizing and amends which are two very different events.

As for the 9th Step, it isn’t meant to gain forgiveness from the offended; rather we clear our side of the street. We begin to take responsibility for the well being of others. (read the last line of the 9th Step in the 12x12).

The best relationship I may ever have with someone is to not have one. (I’m not suggesting your leave your marriage). However, the humility gained by not having an active relationship with someone I’ve harmed may be the most loving position I can take. That is humility which is a necessary to not drink ODAAT. The other persons forgiveness isn’t the focus- it is my action with willingness that is an essential demonstration of faith in AA.

We become more free from alcohol (which is why someone enters AA). That is the payoff of Step nine- freedom from the drink ODAAT- we are not guaranteed healed relationships on our terms, in our way. We are promised by doing this step certain promises of which many more are found in AA.

 

[sad_brown_eyes]

Dear OP
Firstly congratualtion on being sober, and with God’s Grace one day at a time.
Dear sister, your husband said he forgives you when you made your 9th Step, the wounds in his heart will take longer to heal.
You mentioned you cry daily, well may i make a small suggestion, offer your tears to Our Lord and our Lady to heal the wounds caused to your husband.
Offer the bitterness that you feel to Our Lord in the Garden he will drink it in the cup and then later you will fell the freshness of the waters from His side.
One day at a time, I wont tell you to be patient you know you have to be patient.
A big hug and prayers.