Sober Alcoholic Seeking Forgiveness from Spouse

[Rdunbar123]

To the OP, it sounds like your husband may be upset more about what you don’t remember during blackouts than things you have confessed , he may think your blackouts are just a coverup , particularly if they resulted in you coming to in an awkward position like waking up in another’s bed or house. Having said that stay the course , it is impressive for someone to overcome addiction(or at least start in that short of time. God loves you and I will add you and your husband to my prayers . Your husband has a duty to work on forgiveness, forgetting May be harder.

 

[DarkLight]

It sounds to me like there’s a bit of confusion around forgiveness here. Yes, everyone admits that true forgiveness takes time. But I’m not sure if that’s the problem here.

What I’m reading from the OP’s posts is a sense that her husband may no longer be invested in the marriage. It sounds like she feels like she wants to work on the marriage but isn’t sure her husband is willing to put it back together with her after this. If what the marriage counselor said is correct that would lend support to that idea. She feels like she wants to move on and start putting the marriage back together, and her husband is still perhaps unsure and not fully ready to commit to it again.

I don’t really have any advice, but it seems like that’s what’s coming through.

(Well, one bit of advice - if you have another child, perhaps get screened for postpartum depression? Just to be sure.)

 

[acat]

I am glad you posted this, because I am in a similar situation, but in reverse. My husband is the recovering alcoholic and I am the one struggling to truly forgive. It is helpful to hear the other side of it.

One thing that has been difficult for me over my husband’s almost-year of sobriety has been the continuing of old behaviors. He is sober and he is clearly working on self-improvement, but he is also still focused entirely on himself, can be very selfish at times, and still lies and covers up things. Sometimes he’ll eventually come clean, and sometimes I “catch” him, but either way, it makes it incredibly hard to rebuild trust.

Another thing that has been hard is his lack of participation in our family. He is not around very much because of the AA meeting schedule he chose, and at times I resent that he’s not here to help out. When he is here, he is often napping, or just mentally checked out. I ask his opinion on household issues, and he can’t seem to voice anything helpful or otherwise. He does not parent, and it’s hard being a married “single” parent.

I also have the sense that he still doesn’t fully understand the gravity of what he did. And from what you wrote, I wonder if that may be true for you too. He “made amends” by basically blurting out all these awful things he did. There wasn’t really an apology (I do think he simply said, “I’m sorry” once or twice) and there was no action to make up for it all or whatever. I think he was confused or over-simplifying the amends steps… or perhaps will have to go through them several times to get any real depth.

I don’t know if any of those issues apply to your situation, but just something to consider.

Overall, it is very, very, very difficult to rebuild so much broken trust, to truly heal from the sense of betrayal, and particularly to continue a life with someone who is basically a stranger to me. I think of myself as a forgiving person, and I WANT to forgive, and I WANT to move on, but there is just so much pain in the way, and so many little things that he does quickly bring all the pain to the surface again. It feels similar to PTSD in many ways (which I’ve faced for other reasons), in that his drinking/behaviors were traumatic for me, and I now I have lots of triggers related to this issue. So even though I am trying to move forward, forgive, be a true family, every little trigger puts me back in that place where my world was shattered. The pain and hurt and confusion are just as real as they were while he was actively drinking. It’s not something I can just “move on” from. I am staying in hopes that time will heal, that our marriage will strengthen as he becomes a stronger, healthier person, but so far that has not turned out to be the case.

Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit in hopes that hearing the other side might help you the same way it’s helping me… Prayers for you & your family!

 

[petitfleur]

I am glad you posted this, because I am in a similar situation, but in reverse. My husband is the recovering alcoholic and I am the one struggling to truly forgive. It is helpful to hear the other side of it.

One thing that has been difficult for me over my husband’s almost-year of sobriety has been the continuing of old behaviors. He is sober and he is clearly working on self-improvement, but he is also still focused entirely on himself, can be very selfish at times, and still lies and covers up things. Sometimes he’ll eventually come clean, and sometimes I “catch” him, but either way, it makes it incredibly hard to rebuild trust.

Another thing that has been hard is his lack of participation in our family. He is not around very much because of the AA meeting schedule he chose, and at times I resent that he’s not here to help out. When he is here, he is often napping, or just mentally checked out. I ask his opinion on household issues, and he can’t seem to voice anything helpful or otherwise. He does not parent, and it’s hard being a married “single” parent.

I also have the sense that he still doesn’t fully understand the gravity of what he did. And from what you wrote, I wonder if that may be true for you too. He “made amends” by basically blurting out all these awful things he did. There wasn’t really an apology (I do think he simply said, “I’m sorry” once or twice) and there was no action to make up for it all or whatever. I think he was confused or over-simplifying the amends steps… or perhaps will have to go through them several times to get any real depth.

I don’t know if any of those issues apply to your situation, but just something to consider.

Overall, it is very, very, very difficult to rebuild so much broken trust, to truly heal from the sense of betrayal, and particularly to continue a life with someone who is basically a stranger to me. I think of myself as a forgiving person, and I WANT to forgive, and I WANT to move on, but there is just so much pain in the way, and so many little things that he does quickly bring all the pain to the surface again. It feels similar to PTSD in many ways (which I’ve faced for other reasons), in that his drinking/behaviors were traumatic for me, and I now I have lots of triggers related to this issue. So even though I am trying to move forward, forgive, be a true family, every little trigger puts me back in that place where my world was shattered. The pain and hurt and confusion are just as real as they were while he was actively drinking. It’s not something I can just “move on” from. I am staying in hopes that time will heal, that our marriage will strengthen as he becomes a stronger, healthier person, but so far that has not turned out to be the case.

Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit in hopes that hearing the other side might help you the same way it’s helping me… Prayers for you & your family!

Big hugs to you! Honey it’s not you it’s him! He has given a step by step example of what not to do when you get sober. I have been so er 19 years and hate all the **** I hear about putting yourself first(which is exactly what we have always done) and ninety meeting in ninety days. Hey I go out every night and talk to others and enjoy myself but leave my family to deal with the wreckage. You have to be really nice to me becuase I am tying soooo hard!.. We are supposed to be sober outside the rooms too! Don’t lose hope but don’t back down. He is still a baby in sobriety and he might still see the light. I would however work on improving yourself and plan for the what if scenario of the possibility of ot not working out. Meetings are not meant to be an escape from home.
I am not trying to upset you, please remember a year is nothing, I have seen these situations get better but hopefully you can express your concearns to him without nagging. He might not take it well at first, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be sitting there on the back burner. Don’t not be honest about your feelings becuase he will get upset, and nothing you do can make him drink.

 

[petitfleur]

**First of all, congratulations on your sobriety.

Please understand that while you are ready to move on, those you have hurt cannot snap their fingers and be ready to move on along with you. Trust is something that is earned, and it is going to take a long, long time for you to earn it back.

I am sure your husband thought he was over being hurt and said he forgave you, but in reality, that was pre-mature. When he REALLY got into his heart, he realized that he hadn’t processed any of it. Your husband isn’t doing this to punish you, you have hurt him to his core. Just as it took you X amount of time to bring all this to your family and get yourself healthy, your family is going to have to have whatever time it takes them to go through all of the baggage you brought to them.

If you notice, you being impatient, lonely ,crying and beaten down is all about you. You need to forget you, and put your family first. You seem to want to put you first, and you want your husband to put you first too. You did what you wanted and it caused all this hurt, now it’s your turn to put your family first. Love is not selfish, love puts those you love before yourself.

You need to keep reminding yourself that just because you are ready to move forward, you need to now go at the pace that the slowest of those you injured are going, and not be irritated with them. Keep being transparent, over transparent even, and know that every time your husband checks up on you that you do not have the right to be irritated, or impatient. You did this, now accept that this is the way things are until those you hurt heal. You are the one that has to keep being gracious for as long as it takes. Work on keeping a good attitude and being the best wife and mother you can be. If your husband rebuffs you, take it with grace, and keep trying again and again. Time may heal an injury, but not every injury heals in the same amount of time.

I will pray for the healing of your family. God Bless.**

This times a zillion!
When someone gets sober it changes the whole dynamic of a relationship. It takes time for everyone to adjust. The fact he tried al anon and sees a priest is promising. Keep in mind raising 4 kids is stressful. Can you try and find ways to do things together and have a date night? I think it is detrimental for your marriage. I think you need to create happy memories.