Social etiquette with regards to co-habiting couples

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Bendecida

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I’m going to use an example from my own life. One of my cousins has lived with a man and had two children with him since she was around 18. As this has been a branch of my family that doesn’t exactly reach out to mine my immediate family never found out if they were legally married and had no wedding or if they were just living together and just assumed the latter. In some point of their relationship, for all I know maybe always, my uncle (her father) and others would start referring to them as being husband and wife. Finally after almost a decade together it was announced that they were going to be legally married and in the Church too. Shortly after the announcement my mother visited her father in Mexico and mentioned that this granddaughter was getting married and he said, “She’s getting married again?” and my mom had to explain to him that she was never legally married to begin with. They have since had their wedding. So how would the rest of you had handled this or have handled this situation? And what do I do with those who say it’s none of my business? Do we even have a right to ask?
 
Since they are now legally married, you assume, charitably, that they also regularized their situation with the Church and that the marriage is valid and sacramental.

Since you aren’t in constant communication, it should be relatively easy to simply assume the best and not get into gossip about their situation either before or after their marriage.

PS - in many states, after living together for 10 years, they would be common-law married anyway.
 
I guess I’m not sure exactly what you are asking.

Do you want to know how to refer to people who are living together when addressing Christmas cards or when introducing them to a third party?
Do you want to know whether or not to send a wedding gift when they finally married?
Do you want to know if your mother should have said anything to your grandfather?
Do you want to know if you should should have been urging the couple to marry all along?
Do you want to know if you should have been pretending they don’t exist?
Do you want to find out if they actually married according to the laws of the Church?
 
Bendecida said:
I’m going to use an example from my own life. One of my cousins has lived with a man and had two children with him since she was around 18. As this has been a branch of my family that doesn’t exactly reach out to mine my immediate family never found out if they were legally married and had no wedding or if they were just living together and just assumed the latter. In some point of their relationship, for all I know maybe always, my uncle (her father) and others would start referring to them as being husband and wife. Finally after almost a decade together it was announced that they were going to be legally married and in the Church too. Shortly after the announcement my mother visited her father in Mexico and mentioned that this granddaughter was getting married and he said, “She’s getting married again?” and my mom had to explain to him that she was never legally married to begin with. They have since had their wedding. So how would the rest of you had handled this or have handled this situation? And what do I do with those who say it’s none of my business? Do we even have a right to ask?
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Usually I use married for people living together and man and woman to the spouses. It does not mean they are married in the RCC way, it is just an easy way of talking. One thing is the church’s doctrine, another, polite ways of talking.
The same with Science, we say that the Sun rises when the Sun does not rise at all, it is the Earth that moves.
 
Please forgive me for what I’m about do as I don’t like to gossip, but in the name of clarity towards the discussion I feel I must tell you some stuff about my cousin’s situation before being married. She became pregnant when she was seventeen and after this became known her boyfriend at the time moved into her parent’s house. To this day they have never lived on their own and still live with my aunt and uncle. I honestly don’t remember when I started noticing my uncle became referring to his daughter’s live-in-boyfriend as her husband. Just to clarify I don’t think anyone ever said they were married but by introducing him as my cousin’s husband and referring to him in that way in conversation I can easily see where my grandpa got the idea. A few years before they became officially engaged a mutual relative had a wedding and this couple were going to be part of the wedding party. When my immediate family received our invitation we noticed that they were listed as having the same last name. Shortly afterwards I discreetly asked her sister-in-law if they were in fact legally married and she said that they were not married by either the Church or the state. (She probably felt the need to distinguish this as in Mexico you have to have to separate ceremonies unlike in the U.S.)

They were married last summer and during the ceremony the priest made mention of how they were now able to receive Communion after ten years. When the ceremony ended my brother told me he didn’t like what the priest said and should have kept quiet. I don’t want to be a judgmental personal and meddle in someone else’s affairs especially if it’s someone I love but if they mislead people for so many years did my relatives have to go along with that? I particularly felt bad for my grandpa not knowing all of this.
 
Bendecida said:
They were married last summer and during the ceremony the priest made mention of how they were now able to receive Communion after ten years. When the ceremony ended my brother told me he didn’t like what the priest said and should have kept quiet. I don’t want to be a judgmental personal and meddle in someone else’s affairs especially if it’s someone I love but if they mislead people for so many years did my relatives have to go along with that? I particularly felt bad for my grandpa not knowing all of this.
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Did your relatives have to go along with what? I’m confused about what you’re asking, and unsure as to what exactly the issue is. Whether or not people referred to them as husband and wife in the past when they were not, now that they are it’s not really relevant, is it? If they were married in the church, they met with a priest and are sacramentally married, so there is no need to be judgmental about something that is no longer even an issue. Be happy for them.
 
I guess I don’t really see what the problem is. They are married now which is a wonderful thing.

Why does it matter what happened in the past? What would have been gained if your grandfather had known all along? Do you feel the couple should be punished somehow for the past sin of living as man and wife without being married? Do you feel your relatives should be called to account for not ensuring that everybody knew the couple were not actually married?

I’m really trying to understand what the concern is.
 
No, I don’t feel they need to be punished. I’m happy they finally got married. I just wanted to know how things were supposed to be when apparently they were never honest with the situation. When I say my relatives “went along with it” I’m talking about how my uncle and other people referred to them as being husband and wife to the point that my cousin wasn’t using her own last name in that mutual relatives wedding invitation. I honestly didn’t want to be so specific about the situation. I’m not even talking about judgment here or sin, I’m talking about social etiquette. Was I right to ask her sister-in-law? Was the priest right in what he said? Has anyone here been under a similar situation?
 
If they were listed on something as having the same last name, it wasn’t wrong to ask whether perhaps they were married and you hadn’t known. (Though I am confused about why they were listed anywhere on your family’s wedding invitation?)

I don’t understand what exactly the problem with what the priest said is? I’m not sure why he would say that, but it is the truth and it’s a reason for everyone to rejoice with them. Why is it a big deal?
 
To tell you the truth, I didn’t have a problem with the priest’s comments either. It was my brother who did and he probably found it be jarring because everyone (and I can’t stress this enough) including her father had already been referring to them as a marriage for several years.

About the incident with the wedding invitations, they played a part in this relatives wedding ceremony so their names were included in the wedding invitation as “godparents of ______.” (Is this just a Mexican thing?:)) I just found it to be strange that my cousin was already using her now-husbands last name when so many people were going to see it. My issue is what is the proper etiquette for when someone is being misleading about their marital situation?
 
Bendecida said:
No, I don’t feel they need to be punished. I’m happy they finally got married. I just wanted to know how things were supposed to be when apparently they were never honest with the situation. When I say my relatives “went along with it” I’m talking about how my uncle and other people referred to them as being husband and wife to the point that my cousin wasn’t using her own last name in that mutual relatives wedding invitation. I honestly didn’t want to be so specific about the situation. I’m not even talking about judgment here or sin, I’m talking about social etiquette. Was I right to ask her sister-in-law? Was the priest right in what he said? Has anyone here been under a similar situation?
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The priest was right in what he said - they now CAN receive the sacraments where they couldn’t before, and that’s a great thing!

As far as the social etiquette side of it, I just assume that people who say they are married or act as if they are married are in fact married.

If I know for certain they aren’t married and they are close to me (family members or good friends) I’d probably ask them about it but mostly I’d pray for them. I wouldn’t shun them or demand that they stop pretending to be married. I’d wish they would get married, I’d hope for it and I’d pray. There’s not much else you can do.

I don’t know what the law is everywhere but certainly here there’s no law against using whatever name you like, at least socially. It sounds like your cousin was using her now husband’s last name to give the impression she was married and while I suppose that could be seen as deceptive it’s not illegal and anyway it’s in the past now.
 
🤷 We’ve gotten a couple wedding invites from FH’s friends and extended family who don’t know my last name that have been addressed to both of us using his last name for both. They aren’t trying to be rude, they just don’t know my last name but figure since we are engaged and living together we’ll know who they’re talking about.

As for using the terms husband and wife before getting legally married, that’s pretty common. I do it and a lot of my friends and relatives use it to describe their relationships too. It’s just easier than saying “This is my boyfriend but we are really committed, living together, and fully integrated in to each other’s families”. Let’s face it, in social situations the marriage certificate doesn’t matter, but the nature of the relationship does.
 
Bendecida said:
To tell you the truth, I didn’t have a problem with the priest’s comments either. It was my brother who did and he probably found it be jarring because everyone (and I can’t stress this enough) including her father had already been referring to them as a marriage for several years.

About the incident with the wedding invitations, they played a part in this relatives wedding ceremony so their names were included in the wedding invitation as “godparents of ______.” (Is this just a Mexican thing?:)) I just found it to be strange that my cousin was already using her now-husbands last name when so many people were going to see it. My issue is what is the proper etiquette for when someone is being misleading about their marital situation?
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The proper social etiquette, my dear, is to get over it.

🤷

Move on, it’s history. Whatever they did in the past, they are married now. Let it go and wish them well!
 
Unless you have a government job where the truth absolutely needs to be know (ie there are different income taxes to be paid depending on whether you are married or not), then ‘social etiquette’ is to not offend anyone and if they wish to refer to themselves as husband and wife, it is polite to agree to it.

Now, if a couple wants to sleep over at your house and you suspect they were never married and you don’t want unmarried people sharing a bed under your roof, then it is OK to politely ask. But if a cousin (especially one who is distant) tells her grandfather she has a husband, leave it at that.

If she leaves her live in boyfriend and you honestly don’t know if she was ever married or not and then marries another man, and the priest asks ‘If anyone knows of any reason this couple should not be married speak now or hold your peace’ you can speak up if you feel it is best and say ‘she use to be married to someone else’

But if it is simply a matter of introduction, just go along with it

CM
 
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