Socialising a source of anxiety

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Ok so I’ve been a Christian for just over 20 years and a Catholic for just over one. Is it bad that I don’t like socialising and am not close with my brother ? I avoid work nights out and although I am married with lots of friends, I don’t like going out and prefer one to to one if I do see people. I will see people face to face once every couple months on a one to one basis. My family aren’t close as a unit and my brother has never met my husband who I’ve been with for five years and none of us are particularly bothered about it. I text him occasionally but we’ve never been close (12 year age gap and not similar ). My parents never had people over the house growing up and don’t like parties either. I have a very close rship with mother and good rship with Dad. My question is, should I be trying to ‘socialise even tho it isn’t part of me’. I hear all these buzz words community and relationship and it doesn’t speak to my heart. I have good rships with colleagues, try and be nice to people and go to mass every week as I should. God made me to just need very little social interaction - is it my ‘cross’ to try and go out of my way to be social? I at best am indifferent and at worse it drains me . Xx thank you so much, love in Christ
 
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You do not have to go and socialise if you do not want.
 
I’m not one that needs to socialize that much either. Sometimes at family parties I’d rather hunker down in the bathroom for a while instead of being amongst the people. So you’re not alone.
 
You sound as though you’re an introvert - you need a lot of time to yourself and social interaction wears you out pretty quickly. That’s not a bad thing at all. If how you socialise works for you, you don’t need to change that.
 
The phrase family party gave me the cold sweats. I would not go. I speak to my mama like 5 days out of seven and see her every couple weeks to help her with shopping (she’s having cancer Treatment and is doing so well) and I text my dad every week. I haven’t seen my mother or brothers in laws for four years and don’t want or need to. Husband sees them (they do live 300 miles away). I am fully supportive of this of course. I just hope it’s not a sin. I haven’t seen them all for Xmas for the last few years on the day but drop presents off few days before cos I can’t deal with being over my brothers house all day and being forced to play parlour games . But I text them and keep them up to date with me and ask how they do. Thank you so much I feel better now
 
Realize first that every human on the earth has anxiety about one thing or another. It is normal.

God designed us to live in a community of believers. He also designed us to take time away to collect ourselves (even Christ sometimes departed alone away from the crowds, followers, etc.) Be open to Christ. Love those you come in contact with.
 
I try to do this. I will always say hi, smile, try to make people feel good about themselves, give to charity and sign campaigns etc. Little things but big celebrations are not for me xx
 
Like even a smaller group of really loud folk I find difficult. If I’m at a table in a ‘dive bar’ with two friends talking about conspiracy theories I’d love that though haha just so introverted
 
If meeting family is hard in larger gathering, perhaps meet up for lunch with them some time? I’m just thinking it might be nice to see each other in person. If what you have is working, that’s nice. But maybe they’d like to see you in person one on one.
 
I’m the same way- rather introverted, prefer small gatherings, hate crowds, prefer staying in most of the time.

There is nothing wrong with any of this. It is good, though to make an effort sometimes. For instance, I may not like large gatherings, but I will generally go to a birthday party or will always show up to holiday gatherings.

I also will make an effort to spend time with my in-laws. They live close, but if you haven’t seen yours in four years, it might be nice to take a trip with your husband. You mentioned that you “don’t want or need to”, but this is your husband’s family, now your own family. If my son marries, and my daughter in law has no interest in getting to know me, that will be sad. It’s one thing if you truly are so socially anxious that you cannot (in which case professional help might be a good idea) but if you just prefer not to and don’t care, that might be something to work on.
 
There’s a long tradition of Catholic hermits, so you’re good…
 
halogirl said:
I at best am indifferent and at worse it drains me
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These are classic signs of an introvert.

The question you need to be asking is, what is God calling me to do? We all have been given gifts to serve His Church. Not all of them involve socializing. You may be called to pray - to keep a Holy Hour of Eucharistic Adoration, or do other things for your parish that do not involve others.
 
But I am guessing you didn’t steal 6000 pounds from your sisters business and spend it on holidays and furniture, not break up your family for another woman and have sex with another woman with your son in the house. I have got to the point where I don’t talk negatively about them in front of him and I will meet for a drink if they are here but I will not go and see them. To me that would be hypocritical of me. They’re not my family in my eyes they are his parents and I will be polite but I have my limits. He does not mind this at all and we’ve talked it thru
 
But I am guessing you didn’t steal 6000 pounds from your sisters business and spend it on holidays and furniture, not break up your family for another woman and have sex with another woman with your son in the house. I have got to the point where I don’t talk negatively about them in front of him and I will meet for a drink if they are here but I will not go and see them. To me that would be hypocritical of me. They’re not my family in my eyes they are his parents and I will be polite but I have my limits. He does not mind this at all and we’ve talked it thru
 
halogirl said:
But I am guessing you didn’t steal 6000 pounds from your sisters business and spend it on holidays and furniture, not break up your family for another woman and have sex with another woman with your son in the house. I have got to the point where I don’t talk negatively about them in front of him and I will meet for a drink if they are here but I will not go and see them. To me that would be hypocritical of me. They’re not my family in my eyes they are his parents and I will be polite but I have my limits. He does not mind this at all and we’ve talked it thru
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Well- this is new information. It sounds like your in-laws have made some poor decisions.

However, yes, they are still your family by marriage. If your husband doesn’t mind, well then that’s fine I guess. But if they’ve never done anything specifically to hurt you, and your husband still loves and cares for them, I can’t imagine not caring about them as a wife.
 
Sure they are family by marriage but I have friends that are more family to me than they are. I cannot trust them and therefore would rather keep them at a distance. I am guessing nothing similar has happened to you as if it had, you would unfortunately see how I don’t ‘care’ about them as people. I do pray for them, am polite to them and thank them for things they have done for us but I don’t want a rship with them. So I try and treat them as Jesus would but I am not prepared to go and see them when I do not want to
 
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Do you have kids?
I will challenge you that you need to model healthy adult friendships for them, and they do need to be able to invite their friends over.
Also, what are your husbands socialization needs?
 
Not yet. And he has his own friends who he goes out with and we are are happy with how I am.
 
halogirl said:
Sure they are family by marriage but I have friends that are more family to me than they are. I cannot trust them and therefore would rather keep them at a distance. I am guessing nothing similar has happened to you as if it had, you would unfortunately see how I don’t ‘care’ about them as people. I do pray for them, am polite to them and thank them for things they have done for us but I don’t want a rship with them. So I try and treat them as Jesus would but I am not prepared to go and see them when I do not want to
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I’d never advocate for someone to go out of their way to pursue a relationship with someone who is toxic. However, you haven’t really indicated that your husband’s entire family is harmful to you, but rather that you just don’t like them. If the whole lot of them are hurtful to you in any way, then that’s another story.

Your question was whether you should go out of your way to attempt to be more social with your family. I think that, in the absence of any abuse or emotional harm, it’s nice to attempt to get to know your spouse’s family, even if they aren’t people you’d choose for your friends. It seems like your husband still has a relationship with them, if he goes to visit. If he doesn’t care, well then I guess whatever works. But I know that it really makes my husband happy when I make time for his family, and I like to make him happy.
 
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