Socializing with BIL andSIL

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m_crane

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Thankgiving dinner presented me with yet another challenge in the getting along with the inlaws department.

I’ve gotten to the point where I can stand to spend a holiday with my pro-gay marriage pro-abortion, anti more that 2 children to a family inlaws.

After listening to a discription of my BIL’s gay rabbi who is “married”(added by my nephew who was also taking part in the conversation) to another man and how cool this rabbi is because he so non-judgmental when BIL had the pork sausage on his pizza while he quietly ate his plain, the conversation turns once again to an invitation for my husband and myself to go to a concert with BIL and his wife.

This is my problem, pretending to like people I don’t like, being gracious enough to fool people into thinking I like them enough that I am open spend time with them when I know I can only remain gracious for so long.

I feel like a phoney but I trying to keep peace. Any suggestions?
 
It’s not phoney, it’s common courtesy. ;)There’s no point in fighting with your relations- what good would that do?
If, as you say, you can now stand dinner with these people once in a while, that is good! Jesus Himself ate with sinners. Be a good Christian example- who knows how much good you are doing them?
 
Sounds like we’re related!

Many years ago, a priest advised me not to argue these points with my family but to steadfastly live the teachings of the Church. He said, your family doesn’t hear the reasoning, just the arguing.

Pray for them.
 
m_crane said:
Thankgiving dinner presented me with yet another challenge in the getting along with the inlaws department.

…

I feel like a phoney but I trying to keep peace. Any suggestions?
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Well, let’s see…

You pretend to like people you don’t really like.

You “fool” them into thinking you like them and then call yourself “gracious.”

Your patience with these people is limited by your inability to maintain your graciousness.

Yep…no doubt about it - you’re a phony.

But, they probably are too. Chances are they can see right through your graciousness. My guess is that they don’t care much for you either. Next year, do everyone a favor and spend Thanksgiving somewhere else.
 
I wouldn’t worry about acting “phoney” with the inlaws. It seems to me that the goal is to do what ever it takes to sit down with these people and share a meal with as much grace as you can muster. It is reasonable for you to be pleasant and to act as though you get along with them and not to sweat the small stuff. You can tell yourself that doing this is a gift you can give your husband and in reality it only lasts a few hours and then you get to go home! As an adult you can tolerate them for a few hours and they don’t always need to know what you really think. You must be pretty good at doing this because you have received an invitation from Bil and SIL. It seems to me that you have three options. #1 is accept the invitation but continue to play along and keep your true feelings to yourself, #2 politely and at a gentle pace reveal your belief system as you gain their confidence or #3 just say that you have plans. Your BIL and SIL must like you if they want to get together but you must decide if you feel safe and comfortable spending extra time with them. Try to figure it out because they will always be part of your holidays and you may eventually grow to be quite fond of them despite differences. I know that this is easy for me to say but I’ve been there too! Good luck.
 
Thankgiving dinner presented me with yet another challenge in the getting along with the inlaws department.
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Was dinner at your house or theirs? (On a side note - what types of pies did you have?)
I’ve gotten to the point where I can stand to spend a holiday with my pro-gay marriage pro-abortion, anti more that 2 children to a family inlaws.
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Are they demonstrative and/or strident in their positions? Is any opposing thought met with derision or do they allow for other people to express their views?
the conversation turns once again to an invitation for my husband and myself to go to a concert with BIL and his wife.
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Who is playing? Also, who is buying the tickets? Is the invitation a general, “Hey, let’s go to a concert” type of statement without an actual concert in mind? Maybe you could offer to buy tickets to an Amy Grant concert. She puts on a good concert.
This is my problem, pretending to like people I don’t like, being gracious enough to fool people into thinking I like them enough that I am open spend time with them when I know I can only remain gracious for so long.
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At the fire station where I volunteer there are a range of personalities. My purpose for being a volunteer is to help people in my community or people whom are passing through the area and meet with misfortune. As long as the other men (dispite their personal faults) act as a team when a call comes in then I respect their effort. Are there any areas of commonality with these people?
I feel like a phoney but I trying to keep peace. Any suggestions?
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Are you confident in who you are as a Catholic? The reason I ask is that the more confidence one has in who they are the more of a “teflon” coating one has. So, if you lack confidence then study up on the faith because with the knowledge will come confidence. This allows one to look upon people with love of God.

Those are some thoughts.

God bless
 
When people get to chummy, call them by the wrong name to let them know that you really don’t care about them.
 
I would have a hard time saying nothing, but I can see how it might not be prudent to argue.

What would Jesus do? hmmm. I don’t think he’d say nothing, but I have no idea what he would say. Maybe tell a parable?
 
leonie said:
I would have a hard time saying nothing, but I can see how it might not be prudent to argue.

What would Jesus do? hmmm. I don’t think he’d say nothing, but I have no idea what he would say. Maybe tell a parable?
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Fashion a whip and overturn the tables?
 
I suggest that when they invite you out to a concert, you say, “That’s kind of you to ask, but no thank you.”

When they say “why not?”, then the conversation can turn to your rule that you never ask anyone why they turn down an invitation, and you generally don’t feel a need to volunteer a reason. “No, thank you” is enough.
“If you have a good reason, why not give it?”
“For the same reason I don’t let the police cruise through my house even though I have nothing to hide. The only way to maintain privacy is to keep it whether you need it or not. Privacy doesn’t get a lot of respect these days, but I think it is a very good thing, for its own sake.”

Then you can have a discussion about privacy. If they don’t like that you have this opinion, well, eventually you will have to point out that this is the way it is these days. People do what they’re going to do, and you don’t have much choice but to tolerate it. People will have their privacy, and that is that. It is the only way to get along.

“Besides, that’s how I keep my Mona Lisa smile.” Then you wink, smile, and walk away! (But don’t let them under your skin…)
 
m_crane said:
Thankgiving dinner presented me with yet another challenge in the getting along with the inlaws department.

I’ve gotten to the point where I can stand to spend a holiday with my pro-gay marriage pro-abortion, anti more that 2 children to a family inlaws. And I’ve gotten to the point where I can stand to spend the holiday with my anti-gay marriage, anti-abortion, anti-contraception in-laws. I’m able to see them for who they are, not how their political and religious views differ from mine. And they would say the same about me (pro-choice, pro-gay marriage). Out of respect for each other we don’t discuss politics, and rarely religion.

After listening to a discription of my BIL’s gay rabbi who is “married”(added by my nephew who was also taking part in the conversation) to another man and how cool this rabbi is because he so non-judgmental when BIL had the pork sausage on his pizza while he quietly ate his plain, the conversation turns once again to an invitation for my husband and myself to go to a concert with BIL and his wife.The Rabbi thing is a little random, but I’m not sure why that’s a big deal. Does your BIL identify as Jewish? I guess I’d have to know the context. And even if the concert doesn’t interest you, it does sound like the invitation was an attempt to be polite, friendly, and hospitable.

This is my problem, pretending to like people I don’t like, being gracious enough to fool people into thinking I like them enough that I am open spend time with them when I know I can only remain gracious for so long.Family is just like any other group of people. You’ll get along with some, you won’t be able to tolerate others. There is a difference between “fooling people” and recognizing that when it comes to family basic manners, respect, and hospitality are required and knowing your limits. That may mean shorter visits and less between holiday socializing.

I feel like a phoney but I trying to keep peace. Any suggestions?You aren’t phoney, you’re polite. That’s what etiquette requires, and being able to swallow your feelings about these people in order to get through the holiday is essential when it comes to dealing with your spouse’s family. You wouldn’t want to break apart his family or weaken his relationships with them.
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leonie said:
I would have a hard time saying nothing, but I can see how it might not be prudent to argue.

What would Jesus do? hmmm. I don’t think he’d say nothing, but I have no idea what he would say. Maybe tell a parable?
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Remember: The OP is talking about relatives.

He departed from there and came to his native place, accompanied by his disciples. When the sabbath came he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were astonished. They said, “Where did this man get all this? What kind of wisdom has been given him? What mighty deeds are wrought by his hands! Is he not the carpenter, the son of Mary, and the brother of James and Joses and Judas and Simon? And are not his sisters here with us?” And they took offense at him. Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his native place and among his own kin and in his own house.” So he was not able to perform any mighty deed there, apart from curing a few sick people by laying his hands on them. Mark 6:1-5

When it is relatives who need correction, don’t get your hopes up about changing anybody.
 
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