Some advice needed re: interacting with people

[chevalier]

Folks, here’s how it goes: there’s no denying that I have more people skills than should be legal in some aspects, if you will forgive the lack of humility. On the other hand, there’s also stuff I struggle with like a kid, and not a healthy kid at that. So here’s it: any friend or acquaintance and, with a proper conversation probably even a stranger, is able to wreck me right there and now with uncertainty that they’re going to tell me something that I supposedly did wrong, which hurt them (wronged I can deal with, hurt is the problem, offended is shaky ground). That comes with completely annihilating my ability to sleep any the coming night, especially if they end the conversation on a cliff-hanger. Hearing that I will be having an unpleasant conversation with someone in two days or so is the worst thing that can happen. It means two wrecked days and sleepless nights. Just to give you an example.

I somehow can’t seem to be able to process the idea that I’m not responsible for their emotions. Also, it annoys me to no end that they will narrate to me how whatever shade of meaning or vibe in my way of speaking gave them a non-overlarge impression of being something like advised or instructed, which I frankly believe they should get over with. And when they tell me that, they are inconveniencing me emotionally in a much more conscious and possibly more powerful way than I supposedly, according to their words, managed to do unwittingly. This makes my inconsistency alarm beep. Due to which inconsistency, I feel something akin to betrayed by reality, wronged by reality, trapped with stuff that makes me feel bad but I can’t base a proper claim on. Not necessarily because it isn’t valid but because nobody would get the rule I were referring to. Much like a court that doesn’t understand one bit of a perfectly sound legal rule I’m laying out.

Moreover, if I do frame, state and lay out that claim, they will inevitably react by being hurt, feeling wronged and possibly shutting off and disappearing until tomorrow or ever. This I can’t prevent, and have no power over. Whether in them or in me. In a blatant case, I can convince myself they’re in the wrong and so I shouldn’t feel bad for their being hurt, and shouldn’t be held hostage. But I always at least doubt myself because there is the possibility I did something wrong to hurt them but am failing to see it. As a bonus, it feels like they can state claims but I can’t. Because I won’t shut off or anything. I’m entirely capable of being passive-aggressive, including cold, emotionless statements that are obvious guilt trips for the other person but I can’t just shut off on the person I’m processing a disagreement or rather some kind of emotional sorta-conflict (not conflict but some kind of disturbance) with. And I am inclined to see the very ability to do so as a sign of cruelty.

Also, whatever it is they want to tell me, timor mortis morte peior (fear of death is worse than death) applies and I’m fretting over it more before reading or hearing it than after. I exaggerate the impression of whatever they are going to tell me, probably (as I suspect) in order to prevent myself from being hit on the head (or heart rather) with a hammer when it does come. I prefer to prefer myself for the worst.

(And I can take a lot of the worst from opposing lawyers. I can’t take much from a friend or acquaintance, especially female, although any romantic interest has nothing to do with it (while, admittedly, having to convey non-interest to an interested female would be a nightmare). Because dudes can be told to man up or even something that I shouldn’t be quoting on paper. I don’t know about my heart rate, but stuff like that can literally get my jaw shaking, get me a fever, paralise my facial muscles, get me an asthma attack, something of this sort, since it transfers itself on the body. I’m properly, physically sick. And mentally hugely discomposed, although I can maintain the ability to think with reason and justice, I will just emotionless, cold and possibly curt in my manner of talking, especially to the person holding me hostage.)

Also, damage done by that to an acquaintance or friendship has the potential to be permanent. I try to defeat the coming resentment and tendency to avoid that person, consider him or her lost to the opposing side, and soldier on through the battlefield, where being outnumbered and disadvantage is the ordinary state of things. One of my ancestors supposedly ordered a hole to be dug in the ground to put flour and water in there, fake bread, and throw it at the opponents to make them think city defenders had enough food to throw it at enemy, who promptly went away. This is probably fake but sounds familiar (including the obvious exaggeration).

How to deal with this kind of thing? Is there a homebrew way or something I could read? If you believe this is something I should talk to a professional about, shoot ahead. I may be bad at handling non-hostile criticism (hostile is better because you can fight back), as occurs from this writing, but I definitely won’t feel bad due to honest, well-meaning advice that stays within some boundaries of form, and a manly, straightforward “go talk to a pro” is not going to make me feel bad. Thank you. For reading this too.

 

[shainski]

While you are certainly adept at writing, i must admit to being confused as to what you are saying.

It sounds to me that you are sensitive to the needs and emotions of others to your own detriment. You can feel their emotions more strongly than even they do.

But it is difficult to understand without you throwing a couple examples out of what you are saying.

Are these women that wanted more out of a friendship than you were able or willing to give? Did they misinterpret things that you said or did years ago in hopes of changing the terms of your relationship.

Are they children of yours that are remembering a punishment that you gave them half a lifetime ago that ruined their lives?

I honestly can’t tell what kinds of things you are talking about. Would you be able to give examples (without being too specific (or changing the details) if it would jeopardize your privacy).

 

[Ellyakamommy]

Let me make sure I’m reading what you’re really trying to say here–

The fear is that you have hurt or will hurt others, right?

Are you aware that you are hurting people and you fear that they will bring it up (effectively call you on it), or do you fear unintentionally causing hurt (and learning later that you did)?
What’s the frequency that people are approaching you and telling you that youv’e hurt them?
Are these casual or close relationships?
Are you seeking advice for handling the immediate moment when the jaw starts to clench or an overall, long term way to handle this?

All these questions are my way of saying, I can’t guage how big or small this problem really is…but if it’s getting in the way of a good night’s sleep more than a random once-off or you suspect that it is causing harm to relationships you value, then counseling is a good place to work on getting it sorted.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Chevalier,

You are too wordy, we can’t figure out exactly what you are getting at. You say you are going to give an example but you didn’t give one, you just added more words. Lawyer’s job hazard, I guess. Just make it plainer to us, please.

Are you saying that you have people skills because you work in the courtroom? Because if that is what you mean, I would like to challenge you on that. Maybe you have certain skills but lack certain other things, like the self-confidence to put aside your fears when someone says they have something to talk to you about. See, if someone said that to me, I’d ask them, “Please give me some idea as to the topic so I don’t worry myself sick. And if it’s something you need to say to me that’s negative, please do me a favor and tell me right now. I don’t enjoy being on pins and needles for days until you can talk.” And if they said, “No, I’m not ready to talk,” then I would ask them why they felt a need to tell me ahead of time if not to cause me distress.

Maybe in the courtroom, you spend some of your time reading others’ emotions from body language. I would imagine that would be a good skill to have, with a jury trial, for example, or trying to find a weak spot in the prosecution or defense. In the rest of your life, perhaps this skill gives you anxiety.

Speaking of which, have you ever discussed taking medication for anxiety?

 

[Samson01]

Folks, here’s how it goes: there’s no denying that I have more people skills than should be legal in some aspects, if you will forgive the lack of humility. On the other hand, there’s also stuff I struggle with like a kid, and not a healthy kid at that. So here’s it: any friend or acquaintance and, with a proper conversation probably even a stranger, is able to wreck me right there and now with uncertainty that they’re going to tell me something that I supposedly did wrong, which hurt them (wronged I can deal with, hurt is the problem, offended is shaky ground). That comes with completely annihilating my ability to sleep any the coming night, especially if they end the conversation on a cliff-hanger. Hearing that I will be having an unpleasant conversation with someone in two days or so is the worst thing that can happen. It means two wrecked days and sleepless nights. Just to give you an example.

I somehow can’t seem to be able to process the idea that I’m not responsible for their emotions. Also, it annoys me to no end that they will narrate to me how whatever shade of meaning or vibe in my way of speaking gave them a non-overlarge impression of being something like advised or instructed, which I frankly believe they should get over with. And when they tell me that, they are inconveniencing me emotionally in a much more conscious and possibly more powerful way than I supposedly, according to their words, managed to do unwittingly. This makes my inconsistency alarm beep. Due to which inconsistency, I feel something akin to betrayed by reality, wronged by reality, trapped with stuff that makes me feel bad but I can’t base a proper claim on. Not necessarily because it isn’t valid but because nobody would get the rule I were referring to. Much like a court that doesn’t understand one bit of a perfectly sound legal rule I’m laying out.

Moreover, if I do frame, state and lay out that claim, they will inevitably react by being hurt, feeling wronged and possibly shutting off and disappearing until tomorrow or ever. This I can’t prevent, and have no power over. Whether in them or in me. In a blatant case, I can convince myself they’re in the wrong and so I shouldn’t feel bad for their being hurt, and shouldn’t be held hostage. But I always at least doubt myself because there is the possibility I did something wrong to hurt them but am failing to see it. As a bonus, it feels like they can state claims but I can’t. Because I won’t shut off or anything. I’m entirely capable of being passive-aggressive, including cold, emotionless statements that are obvious guilt trips for the other person but I can’t just shut off on the person I’m processing a disagreement or rather some kind of emotional sorta-conflict (not conflict but some kind of disturbance) with. And I am inclined to see the very ability to do so as a sign of cruelty.

Also, whatever it is they want to tell me, timor mortis morte peior (fear of death is worse than death) applies and I’m fretting over it more before reading or hearing it than after. I exaggerate the impression of whatever they are going to tell me, probably (as I suspect) in order to prevent myself from being hit on the head (or heart rather) with a hammer when it does come. I prefer to prefer myself for the worst.

(And I can take a lot of the worst from opposing lawyers. I can’t take much from a friend or acquaintance, especially female, although any romantic interest has nothing to do with it (while, admittedly, having to convey non-interest to an interested female would be a nightmare). Because dudes can be told to man up or even something that I shouldn’t be quoting on paper. I don’t know about my heart rate, but stuff like that can literally get my jaw shaking, get me a fever, paralise my facial muscles, get me an asthma attack, something of this sort, since it transfers itself on the body. I’m properly, physically sick. And mentally hugely discomposed, although I can maintain the ability to think with reason and justice, I will just emotionless, cold and possibly curt in my manner of talking, especially to the person holding me hostage.)

Also, damage done by that to an acquaintance or friendship has the potential to be permanent. I try to defeat the coming resentment and tendency to avoid that person, consider him or her lost to the opposing side, and soldier on through the battlefield, where being outnumbered and disadvantage is the ordinary state of things. One of my ancestors supposedly ordered a hole to be dug in the ground to put flour and water in there, fake bread, and throw it at the opponents to make them think city defenders had enough food to throw it at enemy, who promptly went away. This is probably fake but sounds familiar (including the obvious exaggeration).

How to deal with this kind of thing? Is there a homebrew way or something I could read? If you believe this is something I should talk to a professional about, shoot ahead. I may be bad at handling non-hostile criticism (hostile is better because you can fight back), as occurs from this writing, but I definitely won’t feel bad due to honest, well-meaning advice that stays within some boundaries of form, and a manly, straightforward “go talk to a pro” is not going to make me feel bad. Thank you. For reading this too.

Yes, it is best to look at them as one who is sick…

 

[chevalier]

While you are certainly adept at writing,

Thank you.

i must admit to being confused as to what you are saying.

That’s normal. I have that talent.

It sounds to me that you are sensitive to the needs and emotions of others to your own detriment. You can feel their emotions more strongly than even they do.

That’s possible and certainly true in many situations but I tend to suspect myself of some bad motivation there including just being uneasy with the inconvenience of the “penalty” of someone acting or being hurt by me.

But it is difficult to understand without you throwing a couple examples out of what you are saying.

Acquaintance asks for advice or at least perspective (possibly asks for perspective without wanting advice but this is not made clear). I answer. Acquaintance asks specific questions. I answer. I sometimes develop on a thought but I generally stay within bounds, although I do give in to my good uncle habit and dispense gratuitous advice. I am not lecturing. I may be just giving life experience based advice to someone who is not my junior, something of this kind. I get told that I am hurting that person because it sounds like advice, what I say. I ask if advice wasn’t the think asked for in the first place. I don’t get a solid answer. I betray that I am not feeling particularly great about the feedback I’m receiving. I don’t want to go into details of how I am feeling because I know I will be lawyered against, whatever I say will be evaluated and argued against, so it’s not point. Besides, I don’t want someone who is on paid time to be wasting the credit on hearing what he or she (in this case: she) managed to do to make me feel bad. Suddenly acquaintance starts acting like she’s going to finish the conversation on an obvious but unadmitted notion of being hurt enough by this, and she also betrays that there’s one more thing she needs to tell me but will not do so right now, it can wait if I’m battered enough for today. I don’t want that because I can’t handle the cliff-hanger, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. That final thing turns out to be something positive. That’s great and I can appreciate that but at the same time I’ve just lost a lot of health preparing myself for the incoming bad thing, probably being the news of what I managed to do to make her feel bad. At the end of the conversation, I am a wreck emotionally and a wrecked person physically too.

Are these women that wanted more out of a friendship than you were able or willing to give?

Possibly but not a relationship, I believe (I can tell when a woman is attracted to me, that’s one of the easiest things to tell in people). In the past, it has happened in relationships too but then it was about closeness/attachment/whatever, not a by-product of attraction.

Did they misinterpret things that you said or did years ago in hopes of changing the terms of your relationship.

Nope, not really. They just manage to find something bad, wrong or hurtful in whatever I say or do in good faith, sometimes believing I’m helping them, sometimes on an explicit request.

Are they children of yours that are remembering a punishment that you gave them half a lifetime ago that ruined their lives?

Nope.

 

[chevalier]

Let me make sure I’m reading what you’re really trying to say here–

The fear is that you have hurt or will hurt others, right?

Yes. I realise I’m a sinner and shouldn’t be surprised to see I’m capable of hurting others, although I struggle with this sometimes. The “fear” is sometimes simply of them just calling me on it. Not something I really did and as bad as I really did, but a slip taken out of context and/or out of proportion. Like going to jail for holding a bag for a dealer when the cops come.

Are you aware that you are hurting people and you fear that they will bring it up (effectively call you on it), or do you fear unintentionally causing hurt (and learning later that you did)?

I don’t know if I’m really hurting them. It’s possible. It feels unfair.

What’s the frequency that people are approaching you and telling you that youv’e hurt them?

Rare. And most who do state it clearly and are either right or wrong and nothing weird happens.

Are these casual or close relationships?

Mostly casual but has happened in relationships or in family.

Are you seeking advice for handling the immediate moment when the jaw starts to clench or an overall, long term way to handle this?

I mostly can’t handle the cliffhanger (putting a part until a later day). I would be able to handle the rest but not the delay itself.

All these questions are my way of saying, I can’t guage how big or small this problem really is…

I can’t either. I realise I’m being foggy and I can’t help it (this isn’t about privacy or anything).

but if it’s getting in the way of a good night’s sleep more than a random once-off or you suspect that it is causing harm to relationships you value, then counseling is a good place to work on getting it sorted.

I doubt I will actually have a sleepless night tonight. I believe the exertion is already wearing me down before midnight, so I’ll fall asleep more easily and possibly sleep better than normal. But I wouldn’t be able to sleep with an unresolved cliff-hanger about something I supposedly did wrong. An employer or client would be and has been able to cause a similar effect by declaring I did something wrong and withholding the details for later.

 

[Havard]

My advice is to look at these situations as opportunities for growth in this area of your life. That is, be joyful at the opportunity to learn, and to grow in your communications. And in those instances where, upon further review, you are unconvinced that it was your mistake, but rather, theirs - yet another opportunity presents itself: the opportunity to grow in your communication skills so that you may reconcile the issue in a way they see your point of view as being both just and compassionate.

 

[chevalier]

Clearly you are upset and came here for help, please be assured of my prayers. I regret to say that, being a very simple-minded person I am unfortunately quite lost in the narrative that you wrote. If you have time, do you mind giving a few simple examples or simplifying your story a bit? God bless.

I’m sorry, Monica. I’m just unable to write more understandably. I suppose this is because I don’t have a clue of what I’m really writing about, to be honest.

Examples are generally as simple as someone declaring that I did something wrong, especially if it is something subjective and/or debatable, but withholding the details or a decision for later. A female acquaintance or friend or relative being hurt by something I said or did but wanting to postpone the discussion. A client having issues with my work but not being able to discuss them right now. A prospective client getting a sample, saying it’s unsatisfactory but refusing to provide grounds (however, the last case wouldn’t steal my sleep). Generally any situation when I know that liability is about to hit me, it may be unfair, and I don’t know the details yet or can’t confirm it. Religious scruples (both founded and unfounded ones) sometimes do this to me. So perhaps the problem is broader. But a hurt female acquaintance or colleague (rarely an actual friend) is the typical case.

You are too wordy, we can’t figure out exactly what you are getting at.

Darn, everybody says that.

Are you saying that you have people skills because you work in the courtroom?

Not at all. I would prefer not to go on with a description, which could be rather unhumble, but it goes back in time to before I knew what I’d be doing in life. I’m generally the kind of person people turn to if talking needs to be done. Diplomat, patcher-up, information probe, mediator, this kind of thing. And I’ve been reading about the related things for years now going back to before I made my educational choices. I’d be better in the chambers than in the courtroom anyway.

 

[Pug]

You appear to be talking about a situation where the person telling you about their concerns about some previous conversation you two had is more hurtful to you than the hurt that there was to them in that previous conversation. You are specific that it is when they are talking about their being “hurt”, not “wronged”. I hope I have understood you.

Let me start by empathizing with your experience of how unpleasant it is to have someone tell you they will talk to you about some hurt, but they aren’t going to give up the details for two more days. So you are stuck wondering about it, if it is large or small, important or irrelevant, disastrous or whatever, but the need to delay for two days on their part leaves the impression that is must be large, or why not tell you right then? It is much preferable to me when someone notifies me that they are “hurt” that they tell me right then what is bothering them. Perhaps you can request in the future that they try to arrange to notify you of their feelings and explain them somewhat at the same time, with no gap. In most situations that will be considered reasonable by people, though sometimes people need time to calm down before they talk, but two days is long.

I do think friends ought to be able to express their feelings to each other, even those of hurt, but I feel that a reasonable effort should be made to make the experience comfortable for both individuals. However, it is possible that some people cannot receive or cannot send those feelings with any semblance of comfort without outside aid (like therapy).

With a deep friendship, it is worth it to me to hear the person out, even if they are not good at making me comfortable. But if someone is an acquaintance only, the acquaintanceship might not survive some efforts at communication. Or perhaps the communication difficulties will ensure that the acquaintanceship never grows.

I’m sorry if I have missed some of your concerns. I found your post a little difficult to parse well.

 

[chevalier]

You appear to be talking about a situation where the person telling you about their concerns about some previous conversation you two had is more hurtful to you than the hurt that there was to them in that previous conversation. You are specific that it is when they are talking about their being “hurt”, not “wronged”. I hope I have understood you.

Yes, that’s correct. I can’t cease to be amazed at people doing bigger harm in the telling than the harm they’re telling you about.

Let me start by empathizing with your experience of how unpleasant it is to have someone tell you they will talk to you about some hurt, but they aren’t going to give up the details for two more days. So you are stuck wondering about it, if it is large or small, important or irrelevant, disastrous or whatever, but the need to delay for two days on their part leaves the impression that is must be large, or why not tell you right then?

Yes, that’s how it is. The cliff hanger will literally steal my sleep. I will recover to the point of being able to work and appear okay to avoid worrying other people but it won’t let me sleep or be alone with my thoughts or unoccupied without stressing so much over it.

It is much preferable to me when someone notifies me that they are “hurt” that they tell me right then what is bothering them.

What about brevity? Do you also prefer “accusations” to be brief, clear and preferably consistent?

Perhaps you can request in the future that they try to arrange to notify you of their feelings and explain them somewhat at the same time, with no gap. In most situations that will be considered reasonable by people, though sometimes people need time to calm down before they talk, but two days is long.

Thanks, yes, that’s what I’d do, I think. In this case I said outright, “tell me now or I’m going to be losing sleep thinking what it is.” At least there was no danger of storming out of the conversation.

I do think friends ought to be able to express their feelings to each other, even those of hurt, but I feel that a reasonable effort should be made to make the experience comfortable for both individuals. However, it is possible that some people cannot receive or cannot send those feelings with any semblance of comfort without outside aid (like therapy).

Maybe there’s a gender difference. I have an easier time with males, although not by far, in such situations. I mean, I can still diffuse or even calm down a raging hurt lady as long as I have direct physical contact (much harder via phone or e-mail or anything of the sort), but working it out and avoiding getting emotionally disturbed by the whole thing is hard.

With a deep friendship, it is worth it to me to hear the person out, even if they are not good at making me comfortable. But if someone is an acquaintance only, the acquaintanceship might not survive some efforts at communication. Or perhaps the communication difficulties will ensure that the acquaintanceship never grows.

I guess I could, after all, show more empathy. But this is sometimes like having to show empathy to someone who isn’t currently showing you any. Or is showing you empathy emotionally while having his or her accusations still logically inconsistent.

I’m sorry if I have missed some of your concerns. I found your post a little difficult to parse well.

Yes, I know. It was already hard to give it any degree of legibility. Thank you.

My advice is to look at these situations as opportunities for growth in this area of your life. That is, be joyful at the opportunity to learn, and to grow in your communications. And in those instances where, upon further review, you are unconvinced that it was your mistake, but rather, theirs - yet another opportunity presents itself: the opportunity to grow in your communication skills so that you may reconcile the issue in a way they see your point of view as being both just and compassionate.

Thanks. Tried that for years until I lost the energy.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

If the person is truly asking you for advice, i.e. the “uncle” function, then they have no call to get their feelings hurt by ANYTHING you say. I would note that person as being thin-skinned and never give advice again. Just listen, and say, “I’m sure you will find a solution, I believe in you.”

Go for a long walk when you start winding yourself up about things like this. I still think you should try anti-anxiety medication. I think you are putting yourself through unnecessary stress.

 

[chevalier]

If the person is truly asking you for advice, i.e. the “uncle” function, then they have no call to get their feelings hurt by ANYTHING you say. I would note that person as being thin-skinned and never give advice again. Just listen, and say, “I’m sure you will find a solution, I believe in you.”

Thank you. Yes, that’s what I’ve decided in this situation. That is, either that, or just giving advice as asked and refusing to be swayed by any complaint of hurt.

I wasn’t ask to be an uncle figure but it was very broad, i.e. any things men could misinterpret and be scared by in a dating site profile. I probably offered wider advice than the scope that was asked, perhaps because I enjoyed sharing it rather than because it was actually needed, which is spiritually imperfect and a lack of humility but I have a hard time seeing it as a serious offence or hurt given to somebody. As in serious enough to take the risk of making me feel bad in bringing it up. On the other hand, if I’m expected to take criticism well, shouldn’t the person criticising haven’t been able to take well what wasn’t even criticism but a little bit of advice more than asked for (i.e. some unintended “good uncling” while giving bona fide advice)?

But the problem is not with whether that person wronged me (if so, then I waive it) but how stuff like that is able to beat me up emotionally, and I’m used to hearing things and cleaning mess, as well as all sorts of diplomacy, negotiation and fixing. I feel like this really shouldn’t be affecting me so much. I can talk down a raging person with properly diagnosed issues on a fit, without so much damage to myself, but I can’t handle the emotional aspects of this kind of thing with a person claiming to be hurt by me.

Go for a long walk when you start winding yourself up about things like this. I still think you should try anti-anxiety medication. I think you are putting yourself through unnecessary stress.

Thank you. I will look into that after all. Only once in my lifetime have I ever taken a pill specifically to calm my nerves and it was a herbal one.

 

[bscastro]

A very interesting question and I hope that my humble advice will be somewhat helpful for you. Since you have some good advice already, I’ll give you just a couple “principles” I try to utilize in my communications (both personally and professionally).

1. I try to have “absolute clarity” when I’m communicating with someone. I got this from a sales trainer for professional communication, but it works in personal situations as well. Basically, if I’m not sure what my conversation partner means by something (or in your case you get the “cliffhanger”), I might ask the individual to clarify or set a time to discuss it sometime later that day or the next day as well as being honest - e.g. “Actually, if there is one more thing you have to tell me, I would prefer you tell me right now, because it will eat at me all day if you don’t. Can you tell me?” OR if you’re pressed for time, “I am going to be tortured waiting for this…can you tell me about it later today? How about at our next break?” It’s just about not having any hidden agendas and although some people are not used to speaking like this, it is a very honest and respectable way to communicate I think.
2. Seek to understand before being understood from Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits. This may be especially important in your specific example you have given. If someone seems hurt by something you have said, you may want to ask why - e.g. “I feel that you have been hurt by what I have said. That certainly was not my intention…can you help me understand why?” I think this helps to show empathy which if sincere will help as well.

I know these are kinda general, but since using them in my own life I have observed a great decrease in miscommunication with people.

God bless,
Bryan

 

[exoflare]

While you are certainly adept at writing, i must admit to being confused as to what you are saying.

I lol’d.

 

[ack]

This thread has gotten flooded with details of some specific situation. I think we should take a step back, figure out what’s bothering you in general, and express it succinctly.

Do you feel an inordinate amount of embarrassment or guilt upon committing a social error (such as inadvertently hurting someone)? Do you feel like you often “say the wrong thing” and offend your peers, even though you try harder than other people to avoid causing offense? It can be very frustrating to have this set of personality traits.

Am I accurately interpreting the general issue that you’re having? If not, revise my assessment, but stay brief.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you. Yes, that’s what I’ve decided in this situation. That is, either that, or just giving advice as asked and refusing to be swayed by any complaint of hurt.

I wasn’t ask to be an uncle figure but it was very broad, i.e. any things men could misinterpret and be scared by in a dating site profile. I probably offered wider advice than the scope that was asked, perhaps because I enjoyed sharing it rather than because it was actually needed, which is spiritually imperfect and a lack of humility but I have a hard time seeing it as a serious offence or hurt given to somebody. As in serious enough to take the risk of making me feel bad in bringing it up. On the other hand, if I’m expected to take criticism well, shouldn’t the person criticising haven’t been able to take well what wasn’t even criticism but a little bit of advice more than asked for (i.e. some unintended “good uncling” while giving bona fide advice)?

But the problem is not with whether that person wronged me (if so, then I waive it) but how stuff like that is able to beat me up emotionally, and I’m used to hearing things and cleaning mess, as well as all sorts of diplomacy, negotiation and fixing. I feel like this really shouldn’t be affecting me so much. I can talk down a raging person with properly diagnosed issues on a fit, without so much damage to myself, but I can’t handle the emotional aspects of this kind of thing with a person claiming to be hurt by me.

Thank you. I will look into that after all. Only once in my lifetime have I ever taken a pill specifically to calm my nerves and it was a herbal one.

You might spend some time thinking about who it was that accused you of hurting them when you were growing up, someone that was always claiming to be hurt, someone you had to walk on eggshells around, guessing about what might cause the reaction and martyrdom, “I am so hurt by what you did/said,” and that tensed-up gut feeling and complete anxiety you still feel when someone tells you that what you said hurt them. Something about that situation really triggers you on the inside, and that is not just random, it means something specific. You can work on those kinds of things in counseling, you can journal, you can pray, you can dialogue with the image of that person, there are a lot of tools you can use once you figure out where all this is coming from. I think you already know that your reaction is WAY out of proportion to the situation.

The other thing I always recommend for anxious conditions is spending more time in front of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. Go to adoration, take your rosary, and just be there quietly with Jesus. There is grace for the pain in any heart.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

If not, revise my assessment, but stay brief.

You do realize you’re talking to a lawyer? LOL

 

[Allegra]

While you are certainly adept at writing, i must admit to being confused as to what you are saying.

Not to derail the thread, but I loved this statement. Do you mind if I use it on a report card tomorrow?

 

[anodos]

Not to derail the thread, but I loved this statement. Do you mind if I use it on a report card tomorrow?