Some Help in Submitting to God's Will

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Pacbox

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The last day or so I have been having to deal with some issues, feeling, whatnot and felt that if I didn’t write them out then I wouldn’t be able to deal with them properly. A lot of it deals with my spiritual life, my Catholic faith, plus also dealing with lack of support, lack of acknowledgement, lack of being important to someone. I have come to the realization or conclusion last night and today that I have to submit to God. To put myself entirely in His hands. Yes, I should be doing that anyways but this is more. This is once I make the decision and commit there is not turning back, everything will change, and the effect that it will have on me is enormous. I will die. More than dying to self, my desires, etc. It means that anything I am doing right now, school, church, internet, etc., will cease to exist for me. That is, I have to give them up entirely. And not just give up. Never be allowed near these things again. Add to that, my choice and commitment will not really end up saving me from hell.

Everyone else will be able to be happy, doing what they are doing now and without God calling them to more but they will all most certainly reach heaven. That is my impression. Not only that, but everything I do will be like ashes. Everything I do will be pointless, useless and everything everyone else does is perfect in the eyes of God. But I can’t turn my back on God. But to make this choice means that I will die not just to self but as a person. I will cease to exist as an individual, as a person separate from everyone else. Everyone else will be able to keep their individuality and their purposes in life and their lives as they live them but I will have to lose everything and will gain nothing. I will cease to exist. When I make this decision, because it must be made, I will be deciding not only to trust God completely and implicitly, I will lose everything including myself, I will have to quit school, church, etc., have to become homeless, become a nobody that everyone will ridicule and yet I will still not obtain heaven.

And I suppose this scares me. I can grasp submitting to God’s will but submitting myself to the point where I cease to exist as a person is terrifying. And this is what is being asked of me and I don’t think I can do it. But I have to. That is the only choice that can be made.

But I am the only one being asked to make this choice. The only one. And I will be the only one affected. Plus, I will still most likely go to hell and not heaven by making this choice. Basically, I lose by making this choice but everyone else gains, at least they lose nothing.
 
Pacbox, It sounds like you are in a lot of pain and confusion right now. I am praying for you!

I am the last person you would want advice from, as I am a mess in many of the same ways myself. That’s why I would ask that you please get yourself to the best/holiest priest you can find – ASAP – and ask him for help with this, as your conclusions do not seem to line-up with the loving God we know. I would also see if you can find a good pyschiatrist or counselor (far easier said than done, I’ve found!).

Finally, please take this to Jesus in the tabernacle, tonight, if there is an all-night chapel near you. If not, you may even want to sit in your car outside the church and as near to the tabernacle as you can get.

May God bless you! Kristen
 
Thanks for the prayer.

Well, like I said, I had to write it out. Plus, having someone else see it who is removed from the situation helps. I know that it is twisted thinking. I’m struggling with the submitting to God’s will but the extra is the part I don’t believe. From everything I’ve ever heard, submitting to God means I gain and not lose.

Now the hell part comes from how my mother raised me. Let’s just say she like to make pronouncements that even the Vatican would shy away from. Trying to accept that God, let alone anyone could love me, is hard, particularly with the way I was raised.

Some of this probably comes from stress (I just started a new quarter in school) and hormones (it’s that time of the month and since I only get chocolate on the weekends during Lent, waiting till tomorrow is hard.) Plus, I’ve come to recognize that by the end of the week I’m in a lousy place. I’m also dealing with the issue of if my friends are still my friends.

Thanks for letting me talk about it here.

It’s late and I still have a quick errand to run. I’ll catch up tomorrow.
 
Base on what you wrote, it does not sound like God’s will.
Jeremiah 29:11:
For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. God will not want you to cease existing as a person.

I agree with Kristen that you need to seek for pastoral counseling, as soon as possible.

God bless! In my prayers.
 
I agree. Speak to a priest.

From my own experiece, it was only when I submitted to God’s will, that I actually became an individual, a person, a someone. In seeking to fulfill myself, either in contradiction to His will or indifferent to His will, I never felt I understood myself or knew myself, or even had a self. You are who He has designed you to be, whether you have realized it completely or not. Submitting to Him, turning it all over to Him, will allow Him to reveal the truth of who you are for you. Do not be afraid. He knows you better than you know yourself and is just waiting for you to ask His guidance.
 
Turning your life over to God does not mean the loss of self. It means rather the finding of your best self. God will show you that. Been there. Done that. Got the tee shirt.
You sound as though you are having problems with serious depression and you might consider seeking professional help for that.

Matthew
 
Thanks for the replies. Like I wrote earlier, writing it out and having someone removed from the situation look at it was helpful.

I know that a lot of the problem is is that I am dealing with quite a bit at the moment. School really isn’t that much of issue beyond dealing with new classes. But there are some bigger things/issues that I am dealing with. One is, a week ago, I decided that I needed to find, or at least look into, another parish because the one I currently attend and belong has become detrimental to my faith. And this was not a spur of the moment decision but rather one that I took over a year to consider and make.

Add to that I’m trying to determine if friends of mine are still my friends and if they are not then I will currently have no friends. I didn’t have any friends till I was an adult so this is hard going from not having friends to having friends and possible going to not having friends again.

Talking to my friends about this is not exactly possible, partly as I stated above and partly because I always seem to have to watch my words and what I say to them. I shouldn’t have to do that with friends but I do.

This is about the only place I talk about this. Talking to Father will most likely get me nowhere because it will become about how I’m not involved enough (not really his fault but it’s the personality of the parish which is extremely outgoing, somewhat charismatic, and activity is emphasized and I kind of stick out like a sore thumb because I don’t want to make the parish the center of my life (plus I’m the only person in my age group) and I’ve had too many negative experience where I’ve had to quit activities I love because I’ve been practically forced out of them or they were made unbearable). (Plus, I’m quiet and a bit reserved and currently more contemplative in my faith life. And I’m pretty much the only one in my parish who is like this.)

I’ve gone to counseling in the past (I can’t afford it now since I’m currently not working) and the counselor said I wasn’t suffering from depression.

I thought I was submitting to God’s will, however imperfectly, already. But pretty much my entire life has been spent being told who I am and what to do by everyone else. This is not how I should discover who I am but since I’ve only had the last couple of years to even think about it myself, and such short time at that, it’s not easy coming up with who I am when everyone else around me knows who they are are and what they want to do and knew at such a young age and with ease.
 
Sound like that part of the issue is lacking of good friends and a good gourp to belong to. If so, you need to find a parish has a young adult group to join. Check around, many parishes have young adult group. If not, check on campus to see what club or organization may fit you.

Even you may be shy in nature, as long as you are sincere, caring, and have an open mind, you still can reach out and make friends.

Based on your personality, you may have to make some efforts, but by all means, make the efforts.

Talking about God’s will, our God always wants us to be sincere, caring, and reaching out. He never wants us to be an island. No man is an island.
 
Pacbox,
When I returned to the Church, I had to re-examine the “friends” I’d had in my life. It quickly became clear that the path I was following was of no interest to them. While I hoped and prayed that my conversion would spill over onto them, it did not and I spent the better part of two years “alone”. I used that time to educate myself in my faith by reading, listening to Catholic radio and spending time on CAF. I spent alot of time with Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament, and at daily Mass. I prayed for like-minded friends, and a Parish that would “feed” me. At times, I despaired because it didn’t seem that my prayers were being heard. But they were, and in God’s time, He began to send some of these gifts to me bit by bit. Now, after several years of spending time contemplating Our Lord and nurturing my relationship to Him, I finally have 2 friends that seem to be walking on the same road and a solid, traditional Parish to join. Perhaps the Lord is giving you this time alone so that He can spend it with you, so that the two of you can develop a closer relationship.
 
when I have been faced with crucial life changing decisions, especially if they involve my life being affected by someone else’s plans, I go on a retreat, a silent retreat, for at least a few days. If you can get an ignatian retreat do it, or look for a guide to the Spiritual Exercises, Fr. John Hardon’s is good, if you have limited time, Emmaus Road bible study on the Spiritual exercises is good (look on Word among Us, or CUF website for these studies)
 
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