Somebody stop me

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How about just asking the grandparents to call you immediately when the boys arrive, rather than asking them to turn the boys away? That’s way more doable.
 
PeopleGrowing said:
You make it sound like grandpa knew that they were looking at porn, and did not stop it. My suspicion is that the grandparents aren’t watching the kids on the computer at all, and so they knew they could “get away with it” because there is no supervision. I don’t mean to downplay gross negligence, but I do assert there is a big difference between gross negligence and indecent exposure. And I do believe I gave the caveat that if the grandparents ARE directly involved in the porn access (and not ‘merely’ negligent) then that is a very different situation. In fact, I did.

Leonie should make it clear (via her husband) that there must be major changes or the grandparents will not be permitted access to their grandchildren. Perhaps it is even too late to trust that such changes will be made in good faith, and she must simply bar access immediately. Her parents-in-law must know that there will be (or already are) real consequences for such negligence and dis-respect to her family. Perhaps she should even go so far, as Cricket suggested, as moving away, even quite some distance away. But I firmly maintain that, unless it is shown the parents-in-law were actively exposing her children to such material, rather than being willing idiots, the state should not get involved. Once you call them in, you are in for the ride, and it may not go the way you planned.
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Frankly, I think this entire family has other problems going on. If the grandparents are that lax, or incapable of properly supervising the kids they don’t belong there. If one of the grandparents or both are letting them look at porn (and sorry I do suspect this more than not), they need to be reported and not allowed to see the kids at all. This stuff is disgusting and very often associated with other deviant behaviors.

And as far as general discipline, I have to wonder on the parents end, how is it your children are so willing to disobey in the first place. What my parents said NO, that is what it meant and we knew better than to test that. And yes a good spanking sent the message loud and clear if we were dumb enough to test it.

I child’s ability to listen and obey starts even before they are toddlers. I suspect there was not a lot of learning this early on, let alone now. I am always a bit surprised at folks that can’t seem to manage their children from the start.

We work with a little one of a friends. When she was first able to reach for things on say the coffee table, we simply told her no and took her hand away from the object. And this had to be done over, and over and over, until she understood that when we said NO we meant it. We told her this or that object was not hers to touch. Guess what: by the time she was a year old, she knew what she could and could not touch in this house.

As she gets older we set new goals up for her. We provide her with things she can do and touch without our supervision and teach her the difference. When we say No and she does not listen she lands up standing in a corner. We don’t change our mind, we don’t give in, and we have a little friend that respects our stuff, asks permission to do things and enjoys being at our home.

Her mother is amazed that she behaves for us, while she does not for her. And why, because mama takes little of the time it requires to be persistent and consistent to get that kind of response. Somehow these parents lost the battle a long time ago. And in the end the kids are going to suffer for it, and so are they.
 
phil19034 said:
Did you tell your in-laws that the boys r looking at porn on their computer? If not you should.

Also, if it comes down to an argument or “laying down the law” with your in-laws, that should really be done by your spouse.

Good luck and God bless
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👍
 
Seraphim73 said:
You don’t cut your kids off from their grandparents because of a few sodas. As to the porn everyone talking about calling the cops need to relax. No one said the grandparent was showing the child porn. Do the in-laws know the kids accessed porn on their computer? I imagine they are probably mortified. A new password and a little talk about computer security should do the trick.
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I can only say that porn was never found in my grandparents or parents home in any form. And my grandparents supervised us enough to know what the heck we were doing at all times. Something is off in this family, and it is not a small “off.”

And if diet and health are issues of concern, and grandparents or other relatives will not comply, then yes you do cut them off from visiting without supervision. This whole thing sounds like mom and dad have leaned on the grandparents to suit their whims, and now it has come home to rest as they can’t control the kids.
 
Cricket2 said:

“Something is off in this family, and it is not a small “off.””

Yeah. One of the less sinister explanations that comes to mind is that one or both of the grandparents is starting to have dementia, and so they can’t really manage the grandkids.

“This whole thing sounds like mom and dad have leaned on the grandparents to suit their whims, and now it has come home to rest as they can’t control the kids.”

Or, alternately, there’s been a recent deterioration in grandma and grandpa’s ability to function.
 
Cricket2 said:
I can only say that porn was never found in my grandparents or parents home in any form. And my grandparents supervised us enough to know what the heck we were doing at all times. Something is off in this family, and it is not a small “off.”

And if diet and health are issues of concern, and grandparents or other relatives will not comply, then yes you do cut them off from visiting without supervision. This whole thing sounds like mom and dad have leaned on the grandparents to suit their whims, and now it has come home to rest as they can’t control the kids.
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I think you are presuming an awful awful lot in saying there is something “off” with this family. You are in no more position to judge that than you are the outfit I’m wearing right now and quite frankly it’s none of your business.
 
whitout you telling us the real situation, we can’t help you properly.
 
I wouldn’t be to worried about soda unless their were real health issues,
But you must draw the line with the computer,I find it strange the in laws are unaware of this when you are,
You must be careful,because it’s really easy to have a family fall out,
Then they all gang up on you when your just trying to be responsible ,
You just need to have a calm conversation with them,if that’s possible
 
This may be a repeat of advice, but here it is.
As a mother who has had kids not only look at it on relatives computers, but had malware downloaded because of it thus destroying the computer, here are the rules I set:

They are not allowed to get on computers UNLESS they are logging into a filtering system - we chose SafeEyes. I would speak with the grandparents about that rule as it is a serious one and make sure they are willing to do what you ask. If not, then that would be “sorry the kids can’t come over without us. This is serious. We want to work together on this but we need assurance you will help keep our children safe”.

That said, the soda part is irritating but not a deal breaker. I used to let it bother me but I let that one slide. I adjust it on my end - meaning I assume they are getting sugar from grandparents and just skip buying the sweets except for me. And I tell the kids so. Our middle son used to call his grandfather, grandpa ice cream!

The first, accessing porn, is very serious and I would not proceed till all were on the same page. Even if that meant they don’t get to play outside, because grandparents will not help, and they usually end up over there. Really.
 
Some punishment of the kids might help but they seem to have a fundimental lack of respect for your authority. I’d move because with family it’s only going to keep getting tricky. The inlaws already deminstrated they won’t cooperate. You could report them but I’m not thinking that would really solve anything but create family mess. Probably best to move or take away their ipods, phones or whatever they value till they learn respect. My dad would have sat my brother down and said hey remember that dance, event or friend you wanted to see…sorry you’re not going till you learn some respect. Be prepared for them to fight you on it too.
 
First of all, mom and dad need to unite and present a united front to their 2 boys. And the boys need to learn about obedience period! But I have a suggestion regarding the grandparents. Why not have them come to the home of the boys to visit them?? That way, no worries! It appears that the grandparents are in need of supervision as much as the 2 boys. There is no way I would permit my children in the home of ANYONE, including grandparents, if they were given access to porn in that home. No way! I would welcome the grandparents into my home, with supervision of course, but that would be the only way they would be seeing my children. It also seems the grandparents are perhaps contributing to the boys’ disobeying their parents because the grandparents are also not honoring the parents’ requests not to give the boys soda. This teaches the boys that what mom and dad say does not count. I would put a stop to that whole thing by only permitting visits with grandma and grandpa in OUR home. End of story!
God bless, and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
 
MiaCeleste said:
First of all, mom and dad need to unite and present a united front to their 2 boys. And the boys need to learn about obedience period! But I have a suggestion regarding the grandparents. Why not have them come to the home of the boys to visit them?? That way, no worries! It appears that the grandparents are in need of supervision as much as the 2 boys. There is no way I would permit my children in the home of ANYONE, including grandparents, if they were given access to porn in that home. No way! I would welcome the grandparents into my home, with supervision of course, but that would be the only way they would be seeing my children. It also seems the grandparents are perhaps contributing to the boys’ disobeying their parents because the grandparents are also not honoring the parents’ requests not to give the boys soda. This teaches the boys that what mom and dad say does not count. I would put a stop to that whole thing by only permitting visits with grandma and grandpa in OUR home. End of story!
God bless, and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
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I think this is very good advice.
 
While it is annoying that your in laws are not respectng your wishes and laying down the law with your boys, it is a common habit of grandparents to overindulge. I think it’s in the grandparent handbook as the number 1 rule, disregard everything parents say! :rolleyes:

Your boys however are showing a lack of respect for your authority. I think you mentioned you had done this already but if they can’t be trusted to go to granny’s house and follow mummy’s rules, then they won’t go. You mentioned they would go out to play in back yard and end up in granny’s house…well then they don’t go out to play unsupervised. This might sound harsh, but they need to learn that breaking rules comes with consequence and they need to build up your trust again.

I would have your husband sit his parents down and calmly explain that you are a) worried about their dental health (it’s amazing the problems dental health can cause…heart problems and all sorts so it may be just the grandparents don’t understand this…like another poster said, it’s just soda…but not everyone knows of the horrendous effects it can have especially if your teeth are prone to problems) and b) are disappointed with the boys lack of respect for your authority, that you love them having a relationship with their grandparents (and want them to) but the boys need to understand that your in charge. Explain that until future notice all visits will be supervised or granny comes to yours instead.

Personally I wouldn’t get the police involved at this stage…it’s possible, granny just broke the rule of the password but your boy stumbled on porn all by himself. However feel free to use this as another reason for supervised visits.
 
Truth_Faith13 said:
While it is annoying that your in laws are not respectng your wishes and laying down the law with your boys, it is a common habit of grandparents to overindulge. I think it’s in the grandparent handbook as the number 1 rule, disregard everything parents say! :rolleyes:

Your boys however are showing a lack of respect for your authority. I think you mentioned you had done this already but if they can’t be trusted to go to granny’s house and follow mummy’s rules, then they won’t go. You mentioned they would go out to play in back yard and end up in granny’s house…well then they don’t go out to play unsupervised. This might sound harsh, but they need to learn that breaking rules comes with consequence and they need to build up your trust again.

I would have your husband sit his parents down and calmly explain that you are a) worried about their dental health (it’s amazing the problems dental health can cause…heart problems and all sorts so it may be just the grandparents don’t understand this…like another poster said, it’s just soda…but not everyone knows of the horrendous effects it can have especially if your teeth are prone to problems) and b) are disappointed with the boys lack of respect for your authority, that you love them having a relationship with their grandparents (and want them to) but the boys need to understand that your in charge. Explain that until future notice all visits will be supervised or granny comes to yours instead.

Personally I wouldn’t get the police involved at this stage…it’s possible, granny just broke the rule of the password but your boy stumbled on porn all by himself. However feel free to use this as another reason for supervised visits.
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I’ve even seen “cute” “humorous” home decorations bragging about spoiling grandkids.

In fact, you can buy all sorts of items on Amazon with the motto, “Spoiling grandkids is a way of getting back at your kids.” Yuck.
 
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