someone you know

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cookiedog

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My family is torn, my heart aches, nothing or no one can help, for God knows that I have tried. Prayer and faith in Jesus Christ, almighty is all I have. It’s hard to live this way, my wife, her mother can not hold back the tears and I can not rest or sit idly by and do nothing.
It’s my daughter that troubles me, for nearly two years she has not spoken a word to any of her family.
I think that her mental health is affecting her good judgment.

She is displaying the following symptoms’, but can function in society (college) as if everything fine (no one sees danger), receives good grades, etc:

• fears of abandonment
• extreme mood swings
• difficulty in relationships
• unstable self-image
• difficulty managing emotions
• impulsive behavior
• self-injuring acts
• suicidal ideation
• transient psychotic episode

the worst part is that she is over the legal age ,so I have no recourse, whatsoever to so much as send a greeting card for the holidays.
 
Praying for your daughter and for you and your family.I know that in most states(USA)if someone is a danger to themselves or others,you can have them court ordered to a mental health facility.Again prayers for you
 
I’m sorry you are going through this. My sister is very similar to your daughter it sounds like. I should have loads of advice, but I don’t. I’m sorry and I’ll be thinking of you.
 
If there was some way to get her to a competent psychiatrist, there are wonderful new medicines s/he could prescribe that have the potential to relieve a lot of these symptoms.

The trouble is convincing her to go, finding a good psychiatrist, finding the right medicine, and having her take it regularly. A lot of psych patients stop taking their medicine once they feel better, and then the symptoms return.

I’ll bet you already know this.

I have a 12-year old son with some emotional problems. He takes meds for it, and I hope he doesn’t get into real trouble later in his teens. His teachers have warned us about that.

Please pray for our family, and I’ll pray for yours… - Rob
 
wardrandolph said:
Praying for your daughter and for you and your family.I know that in most states(USA)if someone is a danger to themselves or others,you can have them court ordered to a mental health facility.Again prayers for you
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Does a broken heart count? She is an adult as far as the court is concerned and my guess is that she hides her condition very well… just saying that i love you (to her) is not enough, any words or reasoning go unanswered.
the pain is unbearable for her mother, as for me too.
as time goes on, the grief only becomes worse.
there was no abuse in my daughters upbringing (ever), i just don’t understand.
what is a father to do?
 
cookiedog said:
Does a broken heart count? She is an adult as far as the court is concerned and my guess is that she hides her condition very well… just saying that i love you (to her) is not enough, any words or reasoning go unanswered.
the pain is unbearable for her mother, as for me too.
as time goes on, the grief only becomes worse.
there was no abuse in my daughters upbringing (ever), i just don’t understand.
what is a father to do?
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So she doesn’t live with you any more. Have you lost contact with her completely (as in you no longer know where she lives) or is it that she refuses phone calls or letters?

Do you know anyone with whom she might keep in contact - school friends, college buddies, work colleagues, more distant relatives - who might serve as a disinterested intermediary?

If no-one you know of has heard from her for a while you can maybe go via the police - file a missing persons report on her if you’re worried about her safety. Certainly that much can probably be done even if she’s an adult.

Now none of these people can tell you where she is if she doesn’t want them to, but at the very least they can reassure you that she’s safe and OK. Possibly pass on a message for you, or at the very least keep an eye on her for you.

This may sound harsh but is nonetheless true - even if you aren’t aware of any abuse in her upbringing don’t assume it hasn’t happened - could be from someone unknown to you, someone outside the family, or even since she left home.

I can only add my prayers for you and her. This forum is not really a good place to seek advice on such matters, we’re not experts. Seek a good counsellor for yourself and your wife, as a matter of urgency, for one thing - highly necessary whether or not your daughter decides to resume contact with you.
 
Except for the being able to handle life part, she sounds exactly like me.

So, as a young woman who is living life with mental illness…what to say?

It sounds like she has something against the family. Maybe in her mind she feels her family is not supportive enough, or she blames them for how she is now?

Definitely sounds like she needs some sort of professional help. Because if she is struggling with mental illness, it will only get worse. I went through 2 years of college and work before I broke down completely and had to quit it all. Eventually, the mask she puts on everyday will fall off and she won’t know how to handle it alone.

If you do know where she is maybe write a letter. Explain your love for her and worry. Let her know that even if she no longer cares about you, you care about her.

Thats really all I’ve got without knowing exactly why she broke off contact. I know for me, I am slowly ending contact with my family because they are not supportive of my therapy and trying to heal. They learned about my abuse when I was 20(the abuse had occurred at age 13-15 at church, and also an abusive relationship from ages 16-18) and they still blame me for it. Now of course the icing on the cake is my conversion to Catholicism from Baptist, and I can’t take them anymore. I know they love me, and I love them, but I still want nothing to do with them anymore. Not with the way they treat me(or I guess how my mind tells me they treat me since I’m sure to them they treat me fine) So honestly, the problem is all on me. On how I view things. On how I feel. And, as someone with mood disorder, feelings cannot be trusted.

I hope you are able to reach her and find out what is going on. I hope she will talk with you. Most of all, I hope she is well and does not get any worse mentally.

Take care and God Bless.
 
homewardbound said:
Except for the being able to handle life part, she sounds exactly like me.

So, as a young woman who is living life with mental illness…what to say?

It sounds like she has something against the family. Maybe in her mind she feels her family is not supportive enough, or she blames them for how she is now?

Definitely sounds like she needs some sort of professional help. Because if she is struggling with mental illness, it will only get worse. I went through 2 years of college and work before I broke down completely and had to quit it all. Eventually, the mask she puts on everyday will fall off and she won’t know how to handle it alone.

If you do know where she is maybe write a letter. Explain your love for her and worry. Let her know that even if she no longer cares about you, you care about her.

Thats really all I’ve got without knowing exactly why she broke off contact. I know for me, I am slowly ending contact with my family because they are not supportive of my therapy and trying to heal. They learned about my abuse when I was 20(the abuse had occurred at age 13-15 at church, and also an abusive relationship from ages 16-18) and they still blame me for it. Now of course the icing on the cake is my conversion to Catholicism from Baptist, and I can’t take them anymore. I know they love me, and I love them, but I still want nothing to do with them anymore. Not with the way they treat me(or I guess how my mind tells me they treat me since I’m sure to them they treat me fine) So honestly, the problem is all on me. On how I view things. On how I feel. And, as someone with mood disorder, feelings cannot be trusted.

I hope you are able to reach her and find out what is going on. I hope she will talk with you. Most of all, I hope she is well and does not get any worse mentally.

Take care and God Bless.
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your story sounds remotely similar except our letters to her are one way only, i feel for your parents and family. I’d be willing to bet that they are profoundly saddened by your loss. As for my daughter, the healing can never begin without two-way communication. The last thing she said to her mother and me was “you can’t control me” and “leave me alone”
please give your family another chance, they need your love too.
life is short, make the most of it
as i watch my wife slowly die from the ravages of terminal cancer, her last and only prayer is for her daughters safety and health. all i can do is try to be strong and hope that our daughter open her eyes to the truth and returns to her family before its to late.
for the love of God, call home and make things right
 
cookiedog said:
your story sounds remotely similar except our letters to her are one way only, i feel for your parents and family. I’d be willing to bet that they are profoundly saddened by your loss. As for my daughter, the healing can never begin without two-way communication. The last thing she said to her mother and me was “you can’t control me” and “leave me alone”
please give your family another chance, they need your love too.
life is short, make the most of it
as i watch my wife slowly die from the ravages of terminal cancer, her last and only prayer is for her daughters safety and health. all i can do is try to be strong and hope that our daughter open her eyes to the truth and returns to her family before its to late.
for the love of God, call home and make things right
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I am so sorry you are all hurting so much.

I did talk to my mom today and told her I’d be home for Christmas. I’m making her a gift she’s been asking for for years too…cd of me singing her favorite songs.

I think things can still be right between me and my family, I guess just like you said though it can’t all be just one way.

I will be praying for you and your family. Please take care
 
three days until Christmas, still no sign of my daughter. this will be the third one apart. woe is me.
i confess that I’m miserable most of the time and i never hugged or praised her much growing up, but i do indeed love and cherish my child with all my heart and soul.
her mother, on the other hand is saintly, loving, fantastic person, a gift from God; and just as lost and lonely as I without one of her three children by her side (so sad) for the holiday.

remember your family this Christmas day, it’s a good thing to have and hold them and attend mass together for all the world to see:signofcross:

I wish and pray to see her, dear lord

JMJ
 
still no word from her. silence only to my notes, letters, plea’s, and posts.

it is as if someone or thing evil is controlling her mind. i have failed miserably to understand why or to rationalize her behavior/attatude or how to reunite my family.
forgive me, my daughter for failing you

i pray a mother and daughter reunion is only a heartbeat away.
 
You cannot control your daughter. You can only control yourself.

If she has not talked to you since before last year, I’d say it’s safe to get some counseling for yourself, and your wife if she’ll join you. Why? This is obvious pain in your life, and it is getting harder and harder for you to bear. I have a son who is schizophrenic, and a daughter who is bipolar. I was only anxious.😉 Counseling helped tremendously, and made the whole load easier to bear.

I also highly recommend three books to you:
 
if were only that easy. counseling hasn’t worked for us, God knows we’ve tried.
our two other children turned out fine, all were raised the same way, the catholic way,
thank you, however for the book suggestions, we will check them out.
 
cookiedog said:
if were only that easy. counseling hasn’t worked for us, God knows we’ve tried.
our two other children turned out fine, all were raised the same way, the catholic way,
thank you, however for the book suggestions, we will check them out.
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You seem to think that your daughter’s problems are your fault. And that having two other children who turned out “normal” is proof of that… **I believe the counselling was suggested for you and your wife so that you both can learn to move past the grief and accept reality…NOT to somehow magically fix your daughter…that is beyond your control. Only she can do that for herself. Counselling may help you accept that.
**
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
You seem to think that your daughter’s problems are your fault. And that having two other children who turned out “normal” is proof of that… **I believe the counselling was suggested for you and your wife so that you both can learn to move past the grief and accept reality…NOT to somehow magically fix your daughter…that is beyond your control. Only she can do that for herself. Counselling may help you accept that.
**
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Exactly right, Malia!👍

Cookiedog, you two did not “do” this to your daughter in all probability.

As they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. I have not one, but two “horses” like that. One of the “horses” prefers to medicate herself with alcohol over a very light drug regimen. Everything is my fault, according to her.

Well, that’s just not so. She’d rather blame me than accept responsibility for her own choices. And for awhile, I was buying into that to protect my granddaughters. When I got counseling, I was able to see that my daughter is responsible for her own choices, that I’d done what I could, and I shouldn’t allow her to run my life through intimidation. When she decides not to speak to me, that is her choice, not mine. But I’m not going to sit there anymore and take the blame for her actions and choices.

If you and your wife could get some insight in how to get past these feelings that you can “fix” your daughter or that it’s somehow your fault and if you’d only do this or that she’ll get better, then maybe you won’t be sitting here next year at this time directing your efforts where they won’t do much good, namely trying to contact your daughter. There’s so much more you have than that one adult child making her own choices.
 
this is not about controlling or even blame for that matter. I’m talking about families heart and soul and the emptiness therein.
 
Perhaps you should read the other thread listed at the moment:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=286599

I think it might give you some insight from a son/daughter’s perspective.
OutinChgoburbs If you and your wife could get some insight in how to get past these feelings that you can “fix” your daughter or that it’s somehow your fault and if you’d only do this or that she’ll get better, then maybe you won’t be sitting here next year at this time directing your efforts where they won’t do much good, namely trying to contact your daughter. There’s so much more you have than that one adult child making her own choices.
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👍

I pray that you and your wife find the peace and love of God through this very difficult time.
 
cookiedog said:
this is not about controlling or even blame for that matter. I’m talking about families heart and soul and the emptiness therein.
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And that is why you and the wife need some assistance getting over the hump. It’s a grief, just like any other grief.

If you don’t want advice, don’t ask. Wallowing in the fact that’s your daughter has chosen this path and you are left with the aftermath will stay the same.🤷 If you are ready to feel better, get some professional help. It is not a sign of weakness, and without your daughter there, you should feel good pretty quickly.
 
I’ve run into “others” with similar stories and I’m starting to think maybe this kind of thing is fairly common.

i don’t know, any thoughts?
 
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