Something I am not understanding on the statement "love is a choice"

[Lady_Bug]

Hi,

I need something cleared up for me.

I don’t quite understand something. We choose not to marry people we do not love. We can’t force ourselves to love a person before whether or not we decide to marry someone. I mean if that were the case we could just marry anyone and force ourselves to love the person. I mean it feels weird if, say:

Person A says - “I don’t love her and therefore I can’t marry her.”

Person B says - “Love is a choice. Choose to love her and marry her.”

Sorry if I am not getting the picture here. I think I can understand this statement for people ALREADY married though. I’m just confused and frustrated

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Hi,

I need something cleared up for me.

I don’t quite understand something. We choose not to marry people we do not love. We can’t force ourselves to love a person before whether or not we decide to marry someone. I mean if that were the case we could just marry anyone and force ourselves to love the person. I mean it feels weird if, say:

Person A says - “I don’t love her and therefore I can’t marry her.”

**It is more likely person A would be saying

a) our lifestyles are not compatible so I cannot imagine committing my life to this person

b) I am not attracted to this person so cannot imagine marrying this person**

c) I am still struggling with my selfish human nature and this person isn’t going to give ME what I need

Person B says - “Love is a choice. Choose to love her and marry her.”
**
We have free will and choice in marriage. It is only prudent to try and choose someone who is compatible with us and we are attracted to. It isn’t about love.**

Sorry if I am not getting the picture here. I think I can understand this statement for people ALREADY married though. I’m just confused and frustrated

**
Theoretically two complete strangers could marry and have a joyful marriage. Love is about self-sacrifice. it is about putting the needs of the other before our own. But our fallen human natures want to constantly make it about US and OUR happiness.**

 

[Belgarion]

There are different types of love, as I’m sure you know.

The English language is very restrictive when it comes to telling each kind of love apart. (the “love” in :“I LOVE this smoothie” is not the same as “I love you…”)

There is the Greek language, which defines it rather well. First, there’s eros, which is the emotion of love.

Then, there’s agape, which is Divine-love. That is, a self-sacrificing love.
I won’t have to get into the others right now, I’ll just stick with these two.

agape is the love you pledge to your spouse on your wedding day. (The self-giving of marital relations is a type of agape as well) agape is the desire to do what is good for the other. it is self-sacrifice. And self-sacrifice is a choice, not an emotion.

eros, that is, the feelings of love, will come and go throughout a relationship. You don’t necessarily choose to have those emotions. But agape is most definitely a choice.
Its a choice that society has forgotten.

I hope this helped clear things up a bit

 

[KathyA]

I think that Karl Keating addresses this very well in his e-letter from January…

catholic.com/newsletters/kke_080108.asp

Blessings,
Kathy

 

[ricmat]

I don’t quite understand something. We choose not to marry people we do not love. We can’t force ourselves to love a person before whether or not we decide to marry someone. I mean if that were the case we could just marry anyone and force ourselves to love the person. I mean it feels weird if, say:

Person A says - “I don’t love her and therefore I can’t marry her.”

Person B says - “Love is a choice. Choose to love her and marry her.”

Sorry if I am not getting the picture here. I think I can understand this statement for people ALREADY married though. I’m just confused and frustrated

Here’s my 2 cents worth…

What most people call love is really just lust. An emotional reaction to an attractive person of the other sex.

But now that I’ve been married 30 years, I look back and can see that what I thought was love was mostly lust, with some lesser portion of love. And after 30 years of shared experiences, up and down, we have become one flesh, one person as God commanded in Genesis.

At the time we married, I chose to love my wife until death do us part. As she did me. Both of us realizing of course that we were choosing to love somebody 30 years in the future that would have gray hair (or mostly bald), be much less trim, and be much less “lust generating” than we were at the time.

Another thing you might want to think about. If love is NOT a choice, but is just something that “happens” to you, what is your future if you haven’t happened to fall in love with God?

We need to choose to love God. So how the heck can one love God, if somehow it just doesn’t happen, if we don’t “fall” in love with God somehow? I pondered over that for a while until I discovered that Jesus answered that question quite clearly. Jesus says that to love God we must follow his commandments.

 

[os_justi]

Here’s an excerpt from something I wrote about two months ago on this subject:

Love is a choice. It is not something that just happens, that is forced upon us, it is not an instantaneous connection between complete strangers. It is a conscious decision, it is the reason behind our actions. It is easy to love someone who brings you flowers and roses, who cooks you dinner and rubs your feet after a long day. It is easy to love a friend who buys you a drink at a bar and who gives you a ride when your car is out of commission. It is easy to love those who visibly do good deeds – volunteering at homeless shelters, giving to charity, playing with and taking care of their children. But to love your partner when they’re angry and when they’ve hurt you, to love your friends when they let you down, to love a complete stranger who stabs you in the back out of pure malice, that is a choice. To look at that person and realize that nothing you can do will change how they feel about you, but to love them as they are just the same – that is a choice. Love must be freely given and freely accepted. If you love another person, you can’t force them to reciprocate; likewise you can’t force someone to stop loving you. Give freely where you can, accept freely when it is given to you.

 

[Lady_Bug]

I think that maybe I had not previously understood eros versus agape. Now that I know the difference, I think I can understand. I guess I have a lot to learn

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I think that maybe I had not previously understood eros versus agape. Now that I know the difference, I think I can understand. I guess I have a lot to learn

**That is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about!!!:hug1:

There is not one of use here, or on this earth, who knows everything, understands everything, and can perfectly apply that knowledge to everything… our lives are a journey of learning and growing… you picked a good place to ask your question
**

 

[Lady_Bug]

**That is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about!!!:hug1:

There is not one of use here, or on this earth, who knows everything, understands everything, and can perfectly apply that knowledge to everything… our lives are a journey of learning and growing… you picked a good place to ask your question
**

thanks LOL.

I guess it perturbed me (before I learned of eros and agape) to think that being attracted to someone was a choice we had to make ourselves feel - but now I know the difference. I had thought that a portion of our love for our spouses had somewhat to do with eros - even though a lot to do with agape as well. Grrrr

 

[HouseArrest]

An alternative statement would be to say that “love is a verb” (instead of a choice). It essentially means the same thing, but I think describes the love we are called to more clearly than “love is a choice”.

 

[Ruthie]

I can give you an example, from my own married life.

I can take or leave football. I can enjoy watching it with friends, but when I’m alone, I rarely watch it.

My husband is a Broncos fanatic, and loves football in general. He’ll spend all day Sunday in front of the TV, and Monday night, too. (Good thing there’s a Vigil Mass!)

Every football season, I have to re-learn that he can only hear me during the commercials.

There are some folks who would give me permission to get all bent out of shape about this. But I don’t. Rather than getting my nose out of joint, I *choose *to love my football loving hubby. I drop a kiss on his head, get a soda, and join him watching the game, or come in here and go online. No heartburn.

He rotates days off four times a year. It takes me a month or two to stop having to ask him “Are you off tomorrow?” I know it irritates him, but he chooses to love forgetful, ADD-brained me. He rolls his eyes, then gives me a loving smile, and patiently tells me again.

Most of the time, it’s easy to love each other. But there are times when we have to *choose *to love each other. That’s how it stays strong. If we choose to give in to the irritation, or (Heaven forbid) give in to the temptation, love shrinks bit by bit until it dies.

God bless us all,

Ruthie

 

[Belgarion]

thanks LOL.

I guess it perturbed me (before I learned of eros and agape) to think that being attracted to someone was a choice we had to make ourselves feel - but now I know the difference. I had thought that a portion of our love for our spouses had somewhat to do with eros - even though a lot to do with agape as well. Grrrr

I’m glad I could help with that!
I learned that from a book on courtship…
that’s right…
I’m not married…I’ve never even had a girlfriend!!

Something that might help you more…If I remember correctly, C.S. Lewis explains these different types of love in “The four Loves”…I think…I’ve never read it, but you might want to if you want to learn more about the four loves. That is Divine love, the feeling of love, displays of affection, and familial love.

 

[Cat]

I agree with “Love is a Verb.”

Love is not a feeling, it’s action. I know my husband loves me not just because he says so, but because he spends his paycheck on things that make both of us secure, rather than blowing it on a big-screen TV.

He knows I love him because I don’t quit my job and stay home to write “the great American novel,” but I keep getting up and going to work and helping to pay off the debts. (Our kids are grown.)

The “action” of love" often brings about the “feeling” of love. When it comes to sexual expressions of love, a lot of women get messed up because they think they should “feel” something before they lie down with their husbands. Not at all. Many times, I don’t “feel” like making love at all. There are times when I really don’t WANT to make love, and I’m not attracted to or turned on by my husband. But I choose to do the action of making love, in spite of my lack of feeling, and almost always, within a few minutes, I feel very much in love! The “action” brought on the “feeling.” When my daughter got married, the advice I gave her was, “Say “yes” as often as possible.”

 

[chevalier]

Hi,

I need something cleared up for me.

I don’t quite understand something. We choose not to marry people we do not love. We can’t force ourselves to love a person before whether or not we decide to marry someone. I mean if that were the case we could just marry anyone and force ourselves to love the person. I mean it feels weird if, say:

Person A says - “I don’t love her and therefore I can’t marry her.”

Person B says - “Love is a choice. Choose to love her and marry her.”

Sorry if I am not getting the picture here. I think I can understand this statement for people ALREADY married though. I’m just confused and frustrated

Person A isn’t perfectly right, but he’s still more right than person B. Person B isn’t wrong, but the answer isn’t full.

There is a lot of choice in love. You choose to stick with the guy or the girl. Or you choose to move on. You choose one over another. Convinced?

I’ve made my choices. There’ve been women I’ve loved and I can’t say I have no feelings for them now. But it’s my choice to go on and get over, not as in ridding it off my head actively but as in moving on despite. I often meet a nice young woman or one that appeals very much to my eye and yet still make a choice not to make any moves. The same way, were I to meet a certain lady of whom I’d be sure she were a good choice, I would make the choice and act. Regardless of any particular things missing at the moment. In this love is an act of will. I’m sure parents or grandparents can testify to this.