Sometimes I really dislike my husband!

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jules11

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My husband and I love each other very much and we get along very well… some of the time.

We can go from being the happiest couple to two people that can’t stand the sight of each other!
We have both been married before, had terrible experiences that scarred us and have lots of baggage. I was by myself, bringing up my four children for six years before I met him. He has one son(we see him every fortnight).
Now we have a four month old baby of our own and some of the time we’re a happy functioning family except when my husband and I fight. It could be over something very trivial, but we get nasty and spiteful and it ends up in us talking about separation. I just don’t understand how we can go to such extremes!
My husband is working very hard (he is a teacher) and he spends most nights planning lessons for his students and he’s been going to bed around 1 to 2am. I had been trying very hard to make it easier for him by doing everything in the house and making sure things ran smoothly. I listen to him for hours and help where I can. Anything he asks me to do, I do it willingly.
He takes on so much extra work, that he really doesn’t need to but because he wants to do it all!

We had a small argument the other day and he got really angry. I got just as mad and then it turned into us being spiteful, saying hurtful things and calling each other names.
I try to talk to him and he completely ignores me and carries on doing things, like I’m not there, just to upset me. This makes me furious and it’s a constant battle of wills.
In the past, our arguments have involved days and sometimes weeks of us not talking to each other, him going to a mates place almost every evening to avoid me, arguing through text messages, none of which are constructive.
I’m definately no angel in this and I do know what I should do but just CANNOT bring myself to swallow my pride and be nice to him.
I know that I should just carry on and be the best I can be but it’s all very well to say it, it is next to impossible to do it!! I cannot be nice to him when he’s nasty to me! I know that Christ said to do good to those that hurt you, but I just can’t. I can’t bring myself to back down, cause in his eyes, that’s me admitting I’m wrong! And it’s usually HIM that is wrong!!
I know this sounds so childish… but I don’t know how to change. We’ve been to councilling many times. I have a good friend that is a priest who has tried to help and we keep falling back into the same cycle…
Life goes well for a month or two, then we have a silly argument and we fight for weeks!! This is all so disruptive for the children and it hurts everyone.
Every attempt at talking turns into a slinging match and we get nowhere. He just calls me names and swears at me and I insult him to try to hurt him like he hurt me. I’ve tried being nice to him and he’s just rude back and then I get even angrier! I just cant stand these arguments going on for days and weeks like they do… I pray for help and it usually works out, eventually, but what do I do to break this cycle? I wonder why we can’t have disagreements and get over them like normal people?
 
I recommend the Dr. Laura Schlesinger book, “The Care and Feeding of Husbands.” I’ve heard many people call in to her show telling how it totally turned their horrible marriages around. It probably is at your local library if you cannot afford to purchase a copy.
 
Sister in Christ,
I know how you feel. My wife and I had simalar situations in our first year together. Although the secular world has some good phsycologists, we believe as Catholics unless the good doctor knows the phsycology of the catachism and so on he can’t draw from the great doctor of doctors. There is a book by Arch Bishop Fulton Sheen that any one who is married, going to be married, or wants to be married, MUST read. It is " Three to get married" by Scepter Publications. It was the best $10.00 bucks we ever spent. The tensions of marriage and relationships is explored so well that it will lift you to a new height of living. Please get it today.Nothing will make you grow more, in light of the teachings of the Church, when it comes to sex, love, and the physcology of Christs deseign for todays couple that have entered into the scrament of matrimony. God Bless. Let me know how it goes…
👍
 
Greg Popcak, a Catholic marriage and family counselor, has a great book-- For Better… Forever-- that I highly recommend. He discusses these very behaviors, why they happen, and how to change.

Also, if you don’t already do so-- start praying together regularly as a couple or an entire family (hold hands with your husband while you do so). Perhaps go to Adoration together or pray the rosary at night before bed or in the evening with the children.
 
This sounds like a question to ask a Priest. Go to confession and you will get the answers you need.
 
Well, I’m going to keep it simple here and say that with you having had a baby 16 weeks ago and a husband who is not getting the proper rest he needs, it’s no wonder you’re at odds with each other. You already had a full plate when the baby came along. Can you just accept that this is the way things are for right now and go easy on yourself and on him, realizing that if he were not so overworked and your hormones were back to normal, you’d probably be just fine. You say you love each other. This too shall pass. You’re both right and you’re both wrong, ok? Get Dr. Laura’s book and both of you read it. It will help.
 
You need to change a lot of things now, before this situation gets worse. The number one thing you need to learn to do is:

BITE YOUR TONGUE AND WALK AWAY!

Say nothing and walk away. Somebody has to do it. Somebody has to break the cycle. If you really want to fix the situation (and you should), YOU have to do something different. Stop escalating the situation. Learn to de-escalate by refusing to engage. Once you can do this successfully–thereby gaining control of your emotions and then coming back to communicate in productive ways–everything else will fall into place.

And BTW, you most definitely can be nice to him even if he is not being nice to you. That is what Christ taught us. That is what is meant to be a Christian. Besides, you are not doing it for him, you would be doing it for yourself, for your marriage, for your children, and for God.

Please don’t risk a second failed marriage, because that is where you will be heading unless you do something different.
 
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1ke:
Greg Popcak, a Catholic marriage and family counselor, has a great book-- For Better… Forever-- that I highly recommend. He discusses these very behaviors, why they happen, and how to change.
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I second this suggestion. After our last disagreement, dh started reading that book. He liked some of the suggestions. On Monday evenings we’re usually home alone, so after dinner we pull out the book and find something from it to discuss.

Not sure if this applies to you, but sometimes my dh reacts in a similar fashion as you described . . . ignores me, thinks things are unsolveable etc. Frankly, I think he could use an anger management course. He thinks he can solve his problems by himself 🙂
—KCT
 
I agree with the posters that remind us that we MUST behave with love and kindness always. If you cannot do it for love of your husband, do it for love of Christ. That is the only way I have been able to look at and speak to my own mother after a serious betrayal (for lack of a better word) by her. I decided to look her in the eyes FOR HIM! After that the Holy Spirit led me to embrace her FOR HIM, because that is how Christian love behaves. I was still angry inside when I began these efforts, but Jesus Christ quickly wiped away all that I was harboring once I imitated Him.
I second the Confession part, too. Go every week if you have to. You will be given the grace to keep silent and/or speak in love to your husband. Remember also, marriage is the only relationship between two people that is a sacrament! Satan wants to destroy it, you must battle him with all of the powers of Heaven.
 
I pray for help and it usually works out said:
Another good book is The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. The dance refers to how we react to anger. Once you determine that you don’t like the way you react and begin to change, your partner will be forced to change. (because you’ve changed the steps to the dance!) —KCT
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Only God can soften our hearts, only through His grace do we become more virteous people. What the two of you need to do is center your relationship on prayer. You need to both stop avoiding each other and instead of trying to solve each other’s disagreements through argument, you need to simply come together in prayer building a prayer life together. Try to set up a time where the two of you can spend quiet time together in prayer. This is something that my college household and I did together and I have found useful with guiding the youth in prayer (I assist in my parish’s youth ministry program).

What you need is a candle and you hold on to it offering God all your sufferings and weakness. “I give you my anger, my frustration, my physical pain from this cold, my frustration and resentment toward my spouse.” Visualize yourself handing these problems to Christ through that candle than pass it on to your spouse to offer his sufferings up. It can be said outloud or privately. You then light the candle…the light representing God’s love consuming your sufferings.

We have to recognize that we are powerless to deal with these things on our own, that we need to hand over all our sufferings to unite them with Christ’s.

This is great preparation for any prayer time. The practice is based on the following quotes:

“When you stand to pray, forgive anyone against whom you have a grievance, so that your heavenly Father may in turn forgive you your transgressions.” (Mark 12:25-26)

“For the judgment is merciless to one who has not shown mercy, mercy triumphs over judgment.” (James 2:13)

In fact its good to read over these before you start passing the candle around. Another good passage to meditate on during this time is Ps 62

“Only in God be at rest, my soul, for from Him comes my hope. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be disturbed. In God is my safety and my glory. He is the rock of my strength; my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times. O my people! Pour out your hearts before Him; God is my refuge!” (Psalm 62:6-9)

Take time after this for you and your spouse to calm your hearts and to be at peace in God’s presense. Then within that state, offer prayers to God. Your prayers when you do this will have a different nature and you will be more suspectible to the promptings of God rather than simply expressing your anxiety and feelings of helplessness.

Just as when your anxious and feeling helpless it can create a situation where it becomes merely talking at each other rather than communicating, so to can you close your ears to God when you pray without first setting aside your problems and handing them over to Christ.

This is also a good time for learning what sufferings your spouse is going through because its not done in a nature that seems to be making excusses for bad behavior or to earn another’s pity. It is done in a way that hands them over to God. In this way, we don’t feel threatened or degraded by the other person vocalizing their sufferings and we take little offense to them because we see that the person is trying to work through these problems through God’s help. Praying together helps us to better minister to each other and love each other.

After you’ve prepared yourselves, you might begin with a rosary or the Divine mercy chaplet. Make sure your prayer together is something regular.

The power of prayer has a profound effect. Do not underestimate it.

I realize I do not have the experience of a marriage, but I have seen prayer work in my parents’ relationship and in my relationship with all my family.

– and in case you’re wondering about the name “the-3rd-parent”, its a nickname my siblings have given me. I don’t know which is worse: “Built-in babysitter” or “the-3rd-parent.”
 
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MJZ:
Although the secular world has some good phsycologists, we believe as Catholics unless the good doctor knows the phsycology of the catachism and so on he can’t draw from the great doctor of doctors.
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So very true. Physcology is based on a lot of non-Christian philosophies on human nature. Even those Catholics who study physcology still spend much of their study time in school being taught the opinions and interpritations of the leading secular psychologists. Their formation in the understanding of the human person and his nature is rather basic.

If we want to develop good Catholic counceling, we need programs that focus on the Catholic understanding of human nature. It only helps so much and I really have never found it worth is money.
 
Ok,

Speaking from a husband’s perspective:

We have soft egos, even if we want to play the tough guy,

We have needs and they are so simple,

We also would run into a burning building to save our family,

Maybe instead of “reading a book” your husband would like something that would feed one of those “needs”, to be a hero is a good idea.

Good luck
 
Also, if you don’t already do so-- start praying together regularly as a couple or an entire family (hold hands with your husband while you do so). Perhaps go to Adoration together or pray the rosary at night before bed or in the evening with the children.

We used to say the Rosary together as a family but he got too busy. He became a catholic just before we were married but has not really taken it too seriously. He is really a sunday catholic and usually if we’re fighting, he won’t go to the same mass as I do, sometimes won’t go at all.
He doesn’t know all that much about the catholic faith, he says he takes his lead from me (when he wants to) but he is still so secular in his thinking. He wouldn’t dream of going to adoration or an extra mass in the week. He just doesn’t see the need. I usually do those things myself with the children.
I want him to do these things with me, and I want him to deepen his faith and I realise that I am not the example to him that I should be.
He would definately not say the rosary when we are fighting, he would see that as giving in to me. Its pride and stubborness on both of our parts. And it’s becoming a habit.
 
Thankyou all for your suggestions. I will try to get the books some of you recommended. And I will try to ‘Bite my tongue’…as hard as I find it to do!!
When I feel I am right, I find it so hard not to tell him so.
 
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jules11:
We used to say the Rosary together as a family but he got too busy. He became a catholic just before we were married but has not really taken it too seriously. He is really a sunday catholic and usually if we’re fighting, he won’t go to the same mass as I do, sometimes won’t go at all.
He doesn’t know all that much about the catholic faith, he says he takes his lead from me (when he wants to) but he is still so secular in his thinking. He wouldn’t dream of going to adoration or an extra mass in the week. He just doesn’t see the need. I usually do those things myself with the children.
I want him to do these things with me, and I want him to deepen his faith and I realise that I am not the example to him that I should be.
He would definately not say the rosary when we are fighting, he would see that as giving in to me. Its pride and stubborness on both of our parts. And it’s becoming a habit.
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Get out of the mindset that you will change ONLY IF he also changes. YOU CHANGE (really, sincerely change), then he will too. If you break the cycle, he won’t have you to argue with. Return anger with real love (hard as it may be to do) and he will soften. Be the better person. Do what God calls you to do. Seflishness and pride are sins. Respond in love, not sin. Work on yourself because it is the right thing to do. Then help him to change for the better AFTER you have changed. It is hard–because you have to change yourself–but it is possible and it is what you need to do to improve the situation.
 
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jules11:
Thankyou all for your suggestions. I will try to get the books some of you recommended. And I will try to ‘Bite my tongue’…as hard as I find it to do!!
When I feel I am right, I find it so hard not to tell him so.
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Of course, honey. We all feel that way. But you can change. And you will be so happy with yourself and then with your marriage when you are the bigger person. It can only improve things. Blessings.
 
I second the Confession part, too. Go every week if you have to. You will be given the grace to keep silent and/or speak in love to your husband. Remember also, marriage is the only relationship between two people that is a sacrament! Satan wants to destroy it, you must battle him with all of the powers of Heaven.

I was going to confession weekly or at least fortnightly when I could. But my husband has a problem with trust and jealousy (which is another story altogether) and he would wonder what I had to confess… he used to think I was having an affair and that was the only reason that I would go to confession so regularly.
 
Keep in mind how harmful our words can be. When you pray the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary, and you are thinking about the scourging at the pillar, keep in mind the words of James:

26If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.

5Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
 
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