Sometimes I really dislike my husband!

[nana3]

Hi Jules,
Wow, lots of people here with great loving advice. I agree with most of them. I do understand more fully Eliza, for I am living with a difficult husband. I also am glad to see so many understand why I hang in there. Most of the people I know tell me to leave him and get a divorce. That won’t solve the problem totally, for we have a daughter he would get to see. I am consoled to here that there are others out there in a difficult marriage. According to Popcock book, my marriage is a “shipwreck” marriage. I can’t do much to go up to the next level, for I need my husband to cooperate and with his disorder it is very very difficult. I can sympathize with you so much. I pray for you and ask you to please pray for me and my difficult marriage. I just came by home from dinner tonight with my husband. He yelled at me in the car and was banging on the car door in anger. He told to very very loud, to shut up in front of our daughter. All because I wanted to drive because his parkinsons disease is affecting his driving and it is unsafe. I was criticized and screamed at a lot tonight. My poor daughter thinks I should never say anything to my husband in fear that his anger would get worse. I just stayed queit and told him calmly that I wanted to drive because his parkinsons has affected his driving and our daughter was in the car, and I really don’t want to get into an accident either. I tell you, when a man is yelling at you like this, it is verbal abuse. I have read many books on his disorder and I can not let that behavior go by without some sort of punishment. What do I do? What punishment? I know how you feel, I pray and pray and like Eliza did, keep waiting for a miracle and I really expect one. I get discouraged when he gets too anger and we argue. I have gotten to the point where I just don’t argue back. He is going to believe whatever he wants to believe. He says I don’t respect him, but I try and then he loses his temper and there goes the respect. He does know that he treats me bad for he tells me and apologizes later. He tells me that he doesn’t want to get angry, but he does. He does not handle correction at all well, he calls them all criticism. I understand more now that I read a book called, Stop walking on Eggshell. I need to re-read it for I need to not let him get away with the abuse or it will never end. I turn to Jesus and Mother Mary so much and trust that the Lord will help me in this unhappy marriage. I tell my daughter that this is not the way marriage is suppose to be. She cried tonight and asked why does her daddy get so angry. He did what your husband does to your son once. We had a fight going to church. He walked into church and my daughter and I went to the restroom first. When we walked into the church, I touched his shoulder for he was kneeling and praying and if looks could kill, he stared at me and said, “find another place to sit!” I was surprised. When my daughter (6) and I sat down, she cried and asked why daddy did not want her. I told her that he was mad at me. I know I have to try to get this marriage to work, but his behaviors and anger is affecting my daughter. How much I do not know yet. I pray to God that it is not much, for she is quite smart and I do tell her daddy is sick in the mind to explain his personality disorder. Jules, I know you suffer for I suffer. It is very difficult to be nice to someone who treats you bad, but it is what Jesus ask of us. My husband can go days without talking to me also or showing any affection. It hurts huh? Let’s keep each other in prayer and I hope all who are reading your thread will pray for me also. God Bless and remember that everything that happens to us God permits or allows. We just have to pray for help. Oh by the way, marriage counseling may not work if he is unwilling to want to change. In my marriage, it won’t work until my husband sees a counselor for his anger problem. He hates to be criticized for his mom did it all his life. He had a terrible childhood, I just pray that he will leave that in the past and see all that God has given him now.

 

[jules11]

jules11,

How does your husband feel about all this disruption? Does he see that it is a problem the way you do or does he think that your arguments are normal spats?

He does see these arguments as a problem, but seems to think that I am the only one that can fix the it.

 

[jules11]

Nana3., I will pray for you and your marriage.
My husband does yell at me but not very much. He has outbursts, then leaves to visit his friend to ‘cool off’. He has learnt to stay calm mostly now… but he just ignores me completely when he’s angry and does not respond to anything I say, even when I’m calm… then I get angry. But I usually put up with a lot before that happens. So he would say that I am the angrier one. Not that I think that’s good, I know I need to learn to control my temper.

When things calm down between us, he will comment about why he thinks things happen the way they do, but we don’t often resolve anything.
I do intend, (when we’re talking) this time to put some kind of strategies into place for next time.
I don’t want to initiate conversation about it with him as he would see that as me pushing him to talk… and that’s what he’s gotten upset about in the past, is that when he’s not ready to talk… I try to force the issue.

My first marriage was more like yours is now., but at least your husband recognises he does something wrong and goes to confession. My first husband thought religion was a load of rubbish and resented me practising my faith.

I have often posted prayer requests on the EWTN website and have always had amazing results. Maybe you could also get the many people who read them to pray for you too.
I pray for all marriages as I think that from my experience there can never be pain so excruciating and unbearable as the pain and hurt from a difficult marriage, especially when your hopes are so high and so much is invested.

God Bless you

I have ordered the Greg Popcak book… but it may take a few weeks to get here.

 

[Eliza10]

nana3:

… According to Popcock book, my marriage is a “shipwreck” marriage. I can’t do much to go up to the next level, for I need my husband to cooperate and with his disorder it is very very difficult…

Wow, that is difficult! I wonder what Popcak would advise you to do? (Did you know he does phone consultations?)

nana3:

… I just came by home from dinner tonight with my husband. He yelled at me in the car and was banging on the car door in anger. He told to very very loud, to shut up in front of our daughter. All because I wanted to drive because his parkinsons disease is affecting his driving and it is unsafe. I was criticized and screamed at a lot tonight. My poor daughter thinks I should never say anything to my husband in fear that his anger would get worse. I just stayed quiet and told him calmly that I wanted to drive because his parkinsons has affected his driving and our daughter was in the car, and I really don’t want to get into an accident either. I tell you, when a man is yelling at you like this, it is verbal abuse.I have read many books on his disorder and I can not let that behavior go by without some sort of punishment. What do I do? What punishment?..

Wow that is hard. And with the Parkinsons, life will only get more difficult for you as you will eventually be taking care of him. You need to take care of yourself so you can be up to the task! And you need to shelter your daughter somehow. Somehow you have to make boundaries. You need a professional to show you how to take charge of the situation, in these episodes. As to respondng to verbal abuse, Patricia Evan’s Verbally Abusive Relationships - How to Recognize them and How to Respond was helpful to me. My consultations with the author were helpful too. The book should be available at your library.

nana3:

… I know how you feel, I pray and pray and like Eliza did, keep waiting for a miracle and I really expect one…

Maybe it would be helpful to have hope, while also realizing this might be your cross to bear in life? So, both have hope and pray, “They will be done”?

nana3:

…I get discouraged when he gets too anger and we argue. I have gotten to the point where I just don’t argue back. He is going to believe whatever he wants to believe. He says I don’t respect him, but I try and then he loses his temper and there goes the respect…

That is so hard! there must be a way to remove yourself from the anger. Actually, I remember now - I did it myself, with specific advice from direct from the author mentioned, Patricia Evans. I will tell you about it in the next post since this is getting way long.

Also, the respect comment: I would say (calmly), “I respect you. I do not respect your angry outbursts. I have no respect for your yelling.” Because i think its important to respond to what he said as well as speak the truth.

 

[Eliza10]

When I told Patricia Evans, verbal abuse expert and professional counselor, about the anger episodes I lived in fear of, she told me to secretly have a bag packed for my son and I at all times in the car. She told me to then tell my husband in a calm moment,

“I have decided that I don’t want anyone to yell at me anymore.”

She said if he asked what I was going to do about it, i simply say, “I don’t know. I am thinking about it.”

Then she said, the very next time he winds up and starts to explode, turn and walk away, get my son, and get in the car, telling him, “I don’t like yelling, so I am going. I will see you in the morning.” And then go for the night, and don’t tell him where I am going.

This plan was really scarey to me. I had made up my mind years ago never to leave my husband, not even for a night. I thought it was scare him, make him so insecure, and I knew he was a scared person inside in spite of the powerfully angry exterior. But Evans was the expert, and i was at the point of having greater fear of not doing anything about the anger attacks - and this was the only plan. I was terrified out of my mind about this plan. I guess Ihave changed a lot since those first baby steps of making personal boundaries, because I would not be so scared now to do this.

So, full of fear, I carried out the plan. I packed a bag. I made my pronouncement, “I have decided i don’t want anyone to yell at me anymore.” I remember that despite my fear that he would grill me on this, he kind of ignored it. I think I had to respond to “What are you going to do about it,” but overall he seemed basically disinterested.

3 or 4 days later, after a calm - always there were calms before the sudden explosions - I could see him suddenly working up into a first class rage over some insignificant incident. The *moment *the yelling started, I turned and walked away and made my exit. I said my thing thru a crack in the window of the car because he tried to stop me (Locked the car doors just in time. He was quick, but not quick enough, as he did not anticipate my plan in any way). I was calm, but once away, cried and cried from fear of it all. I stayed the night at a friends. She was very sympathetic. I called Evans for another consult. That helped.

Next morning I returned home. He was calm, but I heard later he had franticlaly called people, including my parents (I knew he’d call there; thats why I went to this friend’s). He called our Baptist pastor, who began anger management counseling sessions with him.

Only the unfortunate part is he faked it thru the sessions. So no happy ending here. But Evan’s plan was really effective. It did keep his anger under control for several months, which was like a miracle. But it was like living with an attack dog with a muzzle on. Clearly the anger still seethed. But, better than an attack dog without the muzzle.

So thats my lone example of stopping the anger explosions. You need to do something to put a stop to them. There are things you can do that a professional could advise you on. You should not have to live with being yelled at. Thats a boundary trespass that should not be tolerated. Nor should your daughter be exposed to this. Its not healthy. And you have a load to carry, so you need to take care of yourself so you can be strong.

I will pray for you, Nana, and Jules too. It is a hard, hard thing to be in a very bad marraige. Very hard, and very lonely. But God is close to those whose hearts are breaking. He is a very present help in trouble.

 

[pira114]

Sounds to me like you both need anger management classes. Plus, I’d be willing to bet that your argueing over trivial stuff is just a way to vent anger your both holding in about something else. Go get counsleing. You owe it to your children.

 

[Doreen]

Eliza10:

I also want to say I respect Doreen’s opinion here and I am glad for her that her marraige has turned out so beautifully and they have five beautiful children. Clearly, a good marraige takes hard work and commitment; they generally don’t just happen. The work is hard but the fruits are great.

Now in the wake of my marraige that failed in spite of every possible effort on my part as well as years of prayer and hope, I do take consolation in the good marriages of others. It offers me hope that other marriages aren’t as disfunctioanl as mine was, and that two regular people, with the grace of God, can together make a truly extrodinary thing - a good marriage.

But honestly, take it from one who has been thru a struggle like Jules (whose struggle hopefully will come out better than mine) hearing of your success in the face of a struggle like Jule’s can be hard to take. Its like that Proverb that tells you not to say too happy a “good morning” to someone too early in the morning. I’ll have to look that one up. I remember it surprised me when i read it. But it makes sense. It also reminds me of the scripture that tells us to cry with those who cry, weep with those who weep.

And the advice “Be an excellent wife” was oft-repeated advice that wore on me after many years of making this my chief aim in the most difficult of circumstance. It came from optimistic women in good non-abusive marrriages - places that were not difficult to be excellent. I am telling Doreen this so she can be sensitive to how difficult that can be to hear when one is under such an oppressive struggle and one’s efforts at “excellence” bear no fruit year after year. I can say for certain, that being an excellent wife alone cannot save a marriage. And being an excellent wife combined with prayer, hope, and fidelity doesn’t always save it either.

Maybe Doreen was just trying to offer hope - her struggles resulted in a great marraige. But realize we all work with different materials. My priest told me in the end - “you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.” And more importantl than the “material” we are working with is the will. The other person has to have goodwill towards the spouse and towards making a marraige work. Without that you are nowhere.

I hope Jules finds that there is at least goodwill.

I had high hopes for a great marraige too and I went to any length to get there. I didn’t give up hope till the end - and by that time my hope was in a miracle only. But truly it takes two. I honestly thought that one person could hold onto a marriage especially if they made it their very top prioity, their whole life. But no - in fact, one person can single-handedly take a marriage down and there is nothing the other spouse can do about it if that is what the one spouse determines to do.

A professional counselor can tell Jules if she is on the brink of such a disaster and possibly help her intervene. It sure looks like the brink of a very big problem to me.

Eliza, Thank you for pointing out how my comments might come across as insensitive. I agree with you that I needed to qualify that statement.

I will tell you though, that things were mighty hopeless in appearance for my DH and I, and yes, I am sure there are cases that are more serious or severe than what I experienced, but I have faith that God can do mighty works.

The Lord says of Himself: ** “Is anything too hard for the Lord?”**

Really, is anything too hard for Him to deal with. I think not!!!

I believe we have limited experiences because we limit God. His help is limitless. He can change the most severe cases. He can bring life from the dead, for goodness sake!

And when we can take our eyes off the circumstances, as dismal as they may be, and put them on Him…and truly lay our burdens down before Him…He WILL DO amazing things.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of the things we do not see!

No, we can’t change others. But when we put our burdens at His feet, and we leave them there…and we keep our eyes on Him and not on the circumstances of our lives…give it a few days, sometimes it may take weeks…He usually tarries only as long as we do in our full submission to His will…but watch and wait and see the wonders of the Lord.

My faith has been rocked by what He has done for me.

I surely do have compassion though for those who are in the midst of HELL on earth. It’s not that I don’t sympathize or understand how absolutely hopeless and overwhelming and deadly our pain can be. But I have been blessed to see the other side. And I just pray others would have that same amazing experience. Such as that the Lord cannot be denied.

He is faithful, even when we are not.
In His Love,
D.

 

[jules11]

MJZ:

Sister in Christ,
I know how you feel. My wife and I had simalar situations in our first year together. Although the secular world has some good phsycologists, we believe as Catholics unless the good doctor knows the phsycology of the catachism and so on he can’t draw from the great doctor of doctors. There is a book by Arch Bishop Fulton Sheen that any one who is married, going to be married, or wants to be married, MUST read. It is " Three to get married" by Scepter Publications. It was the best $10.00 bucks we ever spent. The tensions of marriage and relationships is explored so well that it will lift you to a new height of living. Please get it today.Nothing will make you grow more, in light of the teachings of the Church, when it comes to sex, love, and the physcology of Christs deseign for todays couple that have entered into the scrament of matrimony. God Bless. Let me know how it goes…

I bought this book and I am reading it. Thankyou for your advice.
Things are a lilttle better. He’s not left, but we’re hardly talking.

 

[bkdianne]

He hates to be criticized for his mom did it all his life. He had a terrible childhood, I just pray that he will leave that in the past and see all that God has given him now.

-Just a thought, but, if his own Mother treated him badly, and was verbally abusive, maybe he doesn’t really like ANY woman just in general. It happens like that alot. I had a real good guy friend whose mother was physically abusive, and he pretty much hated women in general. He would never admit it, but I called him on it many times. Sadly he was killed. He was drinking in a bar (and he would get mean when he drank) and got in a fight, and the other guy slit his throat. So there are many issues with angry people…you just never know when they are going to “go off” or what “triggers” them. It can be just a “look” that sets them off. I believe they know that they are angry. Its just a matter of admitting it, and getting help for it. I will pray for you!

 

[ConcernCatholic]

You sound just like my husband and I when we first got married. I used to have a very bad temper and would be really mean and vindictive when we fought. Every now and then, I would even throw something small or hit a wall. I can say that we haven’t had any run-ins like that for 3 or 4 years now. It took both of us to make a change. It took us sitting down during one of the good times and talking about why we acted that way. We got on the same page and read tons of books about marriage, anger management, self control, and any other related topic. I wish I could remember all the books we both read before we got ourselves under control. We also had to deal with what was seething beneath the surface. My husband had a secret addiction that he has since dealt with and I have family issues. I tend to bury the frustration and angst that I have about my family of origin and then take it out on my husband. I have since learned better ways of dealing with it so it is no longer that big of a source of frustration. If I have to deal with my family too much, I find myself getting wound up, oversensitive, and out of touch. I have to limit my dealings with them or I can be a real jerk. They are very negative, nitpicky people. They were/are my source of anger.

My husband and I also had to learn how to fight. We posted “Rules for Fair Fighting” on the frig. so we could both refer back to them. I am from a family of down and dirty fighters so I had to learn how to fight peacefully. My parents are really nasty to each other so I had no idea that you could actually fight peacefully. As silly as it sounds, learning how to argue/fight is really important.

 

[MJZ]

GREAT !!!

I’m so happy for you! Hang in. Does he read it with you!
you’ll be in our prayers…