Son becoming Agnostic may marry Muslim woman---advice please!

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Our son, age 26, soon to be an M.D. recently told us that he doubts his Catholic faith, maybe God in general, that science has taught him to require facts. I think it is also because he has been dating a culturally Muslim woman for 2 years, has fallen in love and they are talking of marriage. He was raised in our faithful Catholic family and attended 10 years of Catholic schools. She is a lovely girl, not a devout Muslim, raised in U.S. by Muslim parents, only her mother is practicing. We are deeply concerned about our son’s soul. Also worried about his future marriage and children, that he does not realize the gravity of marrying outside the faith; worried that he will not be able to return to his Catholic faith when yoked to a non-Christian woman; worried about our future relationship with them and their children. He says he doesn’t think that a church should be able to “tell him” whom he can marry. I understand it’s much more than that, but please help answer and persuade him.

Our son says he will study and consider—that he is not rushing into marriage. Please provide him with answers to help him see the gravity of this situation. Please answer with any resources that may help him and us discern. Thank you.
 
I am surprised that a Muslim women would marry outside of Islam because in Islam, they do not allow women to marry a non Muslim man. If that is the case, she is really stepping out of her community and I don’t think that there is any Mosque that would marry a Muslim woman marrying a non Muslim man unless your son is planning on converting and is not telling you that. Asks him where they are planning to be married and that answer should tell you a lot. Even if she is from a cultural family, it just seems very unlikely she would step away from her family to marry your son. Something seems incomplete here.
 
journeycatholic said:
He says he doesn’t think that a church should be able to “tell him” whom he can marry.
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Unless he has plans to become a Muslim, he’s probably going to be told whom he can’t marry (by the Muslim woman’s family). And his habit of speaking ill of religion won’t be tolerated around Muslims if the religion he chooses to talk bad about is Islam. There are plenty of peaceful Muslims. But there are also those who kill someone for insulting Islam or for leaving it. Once he converts to Islam he can’t leave it without putting his life in danger for apostatizing from it. Catholics don’t ever kill someone for leaving Catholicism or for talking bad about it. So, it’s puzzling that he would choose a Muslim woman when Islam is a lot more strict and legalistic.
 
Is your love for your flawed (you are human) understanding of God’s will greater than your love of your own son, also God’s gift to you? Is your faith so weak that it will fall to temptation? Perhaps you should see your situation as a challenge to your faith that will make you and your families faith grow. Develop a loving christian attitude and see God in everything, not just that which conforms to your preconceptions.
 
Peace, journeycatholic. Give your anxieties to Jesus.

Be happy for his love for this girl. Pray for them to make wise choices. I would not influence him away from her. He may truly love her. But always influence him to love Jesus. Do this with your kind love to the both of them. Invite her over for dinner. Get to know her. If she is a bad influence the Lord will show your son, because of your prayers.

As for his faith…does he believe he created himself? Does he not believe in sin? Those are facts that I know about myself. I am a sinner and did not create myself 😉

He is alienating himself from his faith. This creates contempt for the Church.

Show him your faith is close! And your love for the Church.

Be interested in this girl. With a pure heart. You will entertain angels 😉

He will be ok
Michael
 
The problem is not that he is dating a non-Christian, it is that he is losing the Faith himself. Do not criticize this woman at all or you will only drive him away from you.

Pray for him. Set a good Christian example. At age 26, that is all you can do.
 
journeycatholic said:
Our son, age 26, soon to be an M.D. recently told us that he doubts his Catholic faith, maybe God in general, that science has taught him to require facts. I think it is also because he has been dating a culturally Muslim woman for 2 years, has fallen in love and they are talking of marriage. He was raised in our faithful Catholic family and attended 10 years of Catholic schools. She is a lovely girl, not a devout Muslim, raised in U.S. by Muslim parents, only her mother is practicing. We are deeply concerned about our son’s soul. Also worried about his future marriage and children, that he does not realize the gravity of marrying outside the faith; worried that he will not be able to return to his Catholic faith when yoked to a non-Christian woman; worried about our future relationship with them and their children. He says he doesn’t think that a church should be able to “tell him” whom he can marry. I understand it’s much more than that, but please help answer and persuade him.

Our son says he will study and consider—that he is not rushing into marriage. Please provide him with answers to help him see the gravity of this situation. Please answer with any resources that may help him and us discern. Thank you.
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Actually your son can marry this women if they get permission from the Bishop. Though the marriage will not be sacramental but natural. Either way you will be in my prayers
 
I have been married to a Muslim man for almost 27 years, so I can speak with a lot of experience about what it’s like to be “unequally yoked.” Like many 20-somethings, at age 21 I was determined to take my own path in life, which usually meant rebelling against my parents’ instructions and wishes and convincing myself that I was much smarter than them. I married my husband after a tumultuous few years of trying to “find” myself while in college. I had largely abandoned my Christian faith because college can have that effect on people whose faith is weak. There are just so many naysayers there, and I’m sure it’s even worse today in our post-Christian culture.

My marriage has been very difficult at times over the years. We have three children. It is impossible not to confuse the children on matters of faith when there is so much disagreement in that area. Then there are the major cultural differences. What it amounts to is a vastly different world view that can never be reconciled. There are differences in views on politics, religion, how to raise children, respect for authority, etc. etc. What I am saying is that the differences are more than just religious; they are pervasive and ubiquitous. It is nearly impossible to develop emotional intimacy with a person with whom you have so many differences. It is only through God’s grace and strength that our marriage has lasted this long. I also have faith that God will bring my husband to Him eventually, so I continue to pray daily for his salvation.

When it is just you and that wonderful, exotic person that you find yourself attracted to, the relationship seems perfect and magical. However, life starts to look very different once children enter into the equation. I have found that without exception, when a Muslim becomes a parent he or she becomes more serious about matters of faith. I guess that’s true of many people, really. My husband began praying 5 times a day after we had been married for about 5 years. The more devout a Muslim becomes, the more difficult the relationship. I have met Christian women married to Muslim men whose husbands were more devout than mine, and they were absolutely miserable as they were marginalized at the expense of multiple trips to the mosque by their husbands every day for prayer, being dictated to as to what they could eat and how they were to dress, and worst of all, being forced to watch their children be raised Muslim. I can only imagine the pressure your son would face from this woman if they were to marry and have children, to raise the children as Muslim. After all, it tends to be the mother who spends the most time with the children and has the bigger influence on their upbringing.

I guess the thing that concerns me the most about the situation you described is that traditionally, a Muslim woman is forbidden from marrying a non-Muslim man. Therefore, I think you need to have a candid conversation with your son and ask him if he might be considering converting to Islam. Most Muslims I have met, even ones in college who partied and slept around, still believed very strongly in their Islam and would always stand up to defend their faith, even if they weren’t living it at the time. So I am wondering how nominal of a Muslim this woman truly is, especially since her mother is devout.

Learn all you can about Islam so you can have meaningful conversations on the vast differences between the two faiths. Also educate yourself on the cultural differences, because they are significant. It all really boils down to the question, “Who is Jesus?” Prophet only, or the blessed Son of God? Most of all, pray, pray, pray. Pray that your son will accept the truth about God and His Church and that he will turn in repentance.

There are plenty of websites that can provide a Catholic perspective on Islam. I’d recommend studying several of them. Also, G. K. Chesterton’s books on apologetics are wonderful resources for defending the Christian faith. I hope this helps.
 
Is your love for your flawed (you are human) understanding of God’s will greater than your love of your own son, also God’s gift to you? Is your faith so weak that it will fall to temptation? Perhaps you should see your situation as a challenge to your faith that will make you and your families faith grow. Develop a loving christian attitude and see God in everything, not just that which conforms to your preconceptions.
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It’s certainly not a sin to be concerned about your son’s soul, nor does it contradict Christian charity to do so. In fact, concern for her son’s soul is an example of her love for her son. For instance, we have the example of Saint Monica who struggled for decades to bring her son back to the faith. Since her son, Augustine, is now a canonized saint, I’d say it was well worth the effort.
 
rcwitness said:
Peace, journeycatholic. Give your anxieties to Jesus.

Be happy for his love for this girl. Pray for them to make wise choices. I would not influence him away from her. He may truly love her. But always influence him to love Jesus. Do this with your kind love to the both of them. Invite her over for dinner. Get to know her. If she is a bad influence the Lord will show your son, because of your prayers.

As for his faith…does he believe he created himself? Does he not believe in sin? Those are facts that I know about myself. I am a sinner and did not create myself 😉

He is alienating himself from his faith. This creates contempt for the Church.

Show him your faith is close! And your love for the Church.

Be interested in this girl. With a pure heart. You will entertain angels 😉

He will be ok
Michael
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Having your child claim that he is losing his faith and then plan on marrying someone from a very different religion isn’t something to be happy about.
 
Op, since your son is an adult, there really isn’t much you can do about his beliefs and plans but to pray for him. Muslim men are allowed to marry non-Muslim women and even have sex with them before marriage because they are not Muslim. Does you son live with her? It just seems curious that she would allow herself to become involved with a non-Muslim unless he is thinking or planning on converting and the agonostic thing is the throw you off. Ask him where they plan on getting married and if it is in a mosque, then his plans might be to convert.
 
If you are looking for things for him to read to help his faith, have you read the stories around St. Pio? There was a construction worker who got Padre Pio’s blessing every morning before going to work on the hospital. P. Pio seemed to know something was going to happen because he said “I will pray for you” for 3 mornings. On the 3rd day there was an explosion and the man was badly injured. The doctors who examined him recorded that one eye was totally missing from the socket, the other eye badly damaged. The man was wrapped up and later on they found that the missing eye was there and working perfectly. The man had said that while he was recovering and his head bandaged, P. Pio came and blessed him.

It’s pretty hard to argue what the doctors had recorded and the miracle of a new eye ball.

Typically when someone does not want to believe, they say that the doctors simply made a mistake. I hope that will not be your son’s reply, because that indicates a hardness of heart, that he won’t believe, regardless of what he is presented. In that case, continue to pray and trust God to work in his heart. God sees the length of his years and he may convert, but it might be long after you’ve left this world. My dad asked to come with me to church one day, when he was 79 and got a cancer diagnosis that was not good. I waited a lot of years to see that. Sometimes big events beyond our control are what bring us to our knees. Do not be afraid if that happens to your son in the future. Have confidence!
 
This will seem odd but is Scripturally supported. Begin right now to praise and thank God that your son is considering marrying a Muslim woman. I am not saying God wants him to marry a Muslim, but He has allowed him to consider it. Praise and thank God in ALL circumstances. Then rest your mind about it and trust God.
 
Deus_tecum said:
This will seem odd but is Scripturally supported. Begin right now to praise and thank God that your son is considering marrying a Muslim woman. I am not saying God wants him to marry a Muslim, but He has allowed him to consider it. Praise and thank God in ALL circumstances. Then rest your mind about it and trust God.
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Marrying outside your Catholic faith is not something that is recommended by the Catholic Church nor is it supported even in Islam, especially for the women. Not sure where you are getting your ideas from. Her son is considering not believing in God as well. Lossing one’s faith and then marrying outside of it are choices he is making and has nothing to do with God allowing it. That is bogus. Yes, God gives us freedom of choice but that doesn’t mean that the choices people make are what God wants. Do you seriously really believe that it is God 's will for someone to leave their faith and then marry someone that is from a different religion? Some of the advise on this thread has really been amazing to say the least. Didn’t you read the thread from a women that married a Muslim and ended up with a stressful marriage? The Bible repeated in NT and OT not to marry outside of one’s faith. This isn’t something that God is allowing, this is a poor choice by someone that told his mother he is agnostic and then thinks the Church has no business telling him who he should marry.
 
robwar said:
Having your child claim that he is losing his faith and then plan on marrying someone from a very different religion isn’t something to be happy about.
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Falling in love with a girl has nothing to do with losing faith. Loving a girl more than God is very dangerous. Im guessing his faith was weak to begin with. A mother cannot fight against who her child loves. He must make this choice himself. All she can do is be an example of a good Christian and pray with a pure heart.

I am recognizing, like PaulFromIowa said, the problem is not this girl, or even pursuing marriage with her. It is his faith.

Support love and faith.
 
Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut and advice and suggested resources. I am new to this site and found one of the posts to be hurtful and insulting, (though I think that one post was removed as it’s no longer in the thread?) but otherwise all have been helpful and comforting. Thank you! Betsybug354, your insights and personal experiences were so helpful—thank you for sharing in such detail and for your wisdom—please post anything further from your experiences that may help direct him. I will pray for you and your family.

Some of you have suggested that the problem is his lack of faith. I think his faith was becoming weak before he met her and yes, that is the root of the problem. And being so in love with a woman he cannot marry has pushed him to rationalize his beliefs further to fit the situation he wants. Please pray, as I will, for him to find his way back to his faith.

To answer a few of your questions:
They are not living together, and now live in different states since she started medical school this fall. The girl is modern and independent, not really practicing Islam. Though her mother (practicing Muslim) and I are not happy about their relationship, it seems that they believe that religion should not dictate to them.

Thank you for the suggestions of asking him where they plan to be married, and whether he is considering a conversion to Islam (which I doubt and I pray not) —I will see him today and will ask.

I do worry for their physical safety as well even though the immediate family would probably not consider physical harm or force, extended family still in Pakistan may not be so forgiving. I am not familiar with Islam but of course have read the extreme things that have happened to others.

One thing further in question: we have two married daughters, each have had two children. Our son is the godfather of one of the babies who died in 2012 at age 11 months, and this past year he became the only Catholic godparent for the other daughter’s baby. I’m not sure why he took on this responsibility when, unknown to us, he was doubting his own faith—though I assume he was timid about admitting his change in faith. I pray that losing our grandson did not negatively impact his faith. Should he relinquish being the surviving baby’s godfather if he does not return to his faith?

Again, thank you all for your insights and especially for your prayers. Please keep him in prayer. He is such a kind, gentle, good young man—and my heart is breaking at the thought of him being lost.
 
robwar said:
Marrying outside your Catholic faith is not something that is recommended by the Catholic Church nor is it supported even in Islam, especially for the women. Not sure where you are getting your ideas from. Her son is considering not believing in God as well. Lossing one’s faith and then marrying outside of it are choices he is making and has nothing to do with God allowing it. That is bogus. Yes, God gives us freedom of choice but that doesn’t mean that the choices people make are what God wants. Do you seriously really believe that it is God 's will for someone to leave their faith and then marry someone that is from a different religion? Some of the advise on this thread has really been amazing to say the least. Didn’t you read the thread from a women that married a Muslim and ended up with a stressful marriage? The Bible repeated in NT and OT not to marry outside of one’s faith. This isn’t something that God is allowing, this is a poor choice by someone that told his mother he is agnostic and then thinks the Church has no business telling him who he should marry.
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Did you even read all of what I said? The Bible says to praise and thank God in ALL circumstances. I never said God wants it to happen. I never said she should be for the marriage, but if it happens God will have allowed it to happen or it could not happen. Praise God in all circumstances. Can I be more clear?
 
Again, I am new to the site, but please consider when posting that we are a Catholic site, and as such we should treat others here with respect and love.
 
There is a very good book just recently published called “Till Faith do us part” It is about mixed faith couples (not just Catholic ones). The author is Jewish who married a non practicing JW. She has a whole chapter in there about marriages with Muslims and it emphasized again that Islam does not approve of a Muslim woman marrying a non-Muslim which basically makes her an apostate within her family and community even if the family is not serious about the faith. I think the book would be helpful to you. While the book does try to put a more positive spin on mixed faith couples, it does point out that mixed faith marriages are more difficult and less happy and when the parents are at odds or decide to let the children choose, the kids usually pick no faith. While your son and his girlfriend may feel that they are modern and tolerant and free to do whatever, the reality is that when children start, people usually go back to their roots. Likewise, family traditions are very influential even if the couple thinks they are free from all these things. I think this book might be helpful to you but likewise maybe your son might be open to reading because it’s not a “Catholic” book but a very realistic study of different faith couples and their issues. I wish you the best of luck.
 
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