Son getting married -- need advice

[pianistclare]

Hi Tommy!

First of all , realize that weddings are big on a woman’s radar, for better or for worse, you should pardon the expression.

She is under the misconception that the grooms mother has a lot of say in how things go. I have never EVER known this to be the case. It isn’t called “the Bride’s Big Day” for nothin’.

Show up in an ugly color=coordinated dress. Yeah. That’s about the size of it. There IS a trend for parents of the grooms to help with expenses because, well , it’s expensive.
Even a small intimate garden wedding can rack up major debt very easily.

Is it fair to the groom’s side? Not really.
She would be way more involved things if it were a daughter’s wedding.

Sad but true.

If the young woman is a good match, then she should just rejoice and enjoy the day.
Nobody ever cared about corsages. As a musician who has played literally hundreds of weddings, I never wear them I can’t play with a smelly corsage in my face.
Nobody ever cared where they sat at the reception, although in church its easier to take care of, Groom’s side, Bride’s side. The relatives can duke it out from there on their own.

I’m sorry this is a source of grief.
***But praise God he found a good woman, and don’t let the handling of these few hours mess up the relationship that will last for the rest of your lives. ***

 

[EnglishTeacher]

When your son’s finance said that she already had made the plans for the hair stylist, that wasn’t nice not to include your wife … but one thing you will have to get accustomed to is ignoring little issues that seem unfair … they come up once the children get married … and the best thing to do is to ignore them … you don’t want to look like the in-laws that are always causing problems.

I doubt the intent was to purposely exclude her. The groom’s mother (or the bride’s mother, for that matter) does not normally join the bride and bridesmaids when they go to get their hair done. Plus, as Lorelai says, there is a tight schedule for these things; you have to book the hair stylist way in advance and plan on the exact number of people so that the stylist knows how much time to allot. For that reason, it is likely not possible to add your wife to the group at this point.

To the OP, are you and your wife hosting the rehearsal dinner? Maybe she could focus her energies on planning that.

Yes, wedding planning a way of bringing out the emotions in everyone; I don’t know why that is. It is normal to wish at some point during the planning for an elopement instead, but I am sure it will all turn out all right and be a beautiful day.

 

[Tommy999]

I noticed that you said you offered them help financially with “no strings attached”… does your wife see it that way? Maybe she feels like she has some say in how things are being done because of the money part. Have you asked her about that?

Either way, don’t let this kill the fun, marriage is a beautiful thing!

I think she sees it that way, too, or she at least said she did.

I truly think she misses out on not having had a girl and all the stuff the mother of the bride gets to do. That would be my guess, anyway.

 

[pianistclare]

I truly think she misses out on not having had a girl and all the stuff the mother of the bride gets to do. That would be my guess, anyway.

BINGO.

:harp:

 

[LPS]

Hello all,
Do you have any advice on how to help my wife feel respected and honored although she can’t participate as much as she would like in my son’s wedding plans?

I just want to say that I think it’s super-cool of you to be asking the question, how to make your wife feel respected and honored. That says a lot about you as a husband.

I’m sorry I don’t have good advice, but I will pray for her, and for your family. God bless you.

 

[Katherine438]

Katherine438;14449287:

My daughter lives 200 miles away … she met someone and they became engaged … we wanted to help them, so we gave them some money … but we had absolutely nothing to do with the preparation for the wedding … I did however throw her her shower … that made me feel good.

My best advice is to tell your wife to be happy about the wedding and also be happy that they are being so responsible in doing the preparation … there really is no reason for her to be upset.

When your son’s finance said that she already had made the plans for the hair stylist, that wasn’t nice not to include your wife … but one thing you will have to get accustomed to is ignoring little issues that seem unfair … they come up once the children get married … and the best thing to do is to ignore them … you don’t want to look like the in-laws that are always causing problems./

QUOTE]

I totally agree with what I highlighted in red. Thanks, Katherine438.

I just remembered something … when my daughter had a stylist for her and the bridesmaids she included me, but she did not include his mother … so maybe it’s just something the bride doesn’t do … and I know my daughter liked her mother-in-law … so I don’t think she left her out for that kind of reason … there are books written about the right way to go about doing things during a wedding … I don’t know what they say about this … but I’m sure my daughter was using one.

 

[Tommy999]

Hi Tommy!

First of all , realize that weddings are big on a woman’s radar, for better or for worse, you should pardon the expression.

She is under the misconception that the grooms mother has a lot of say in how things go. I have never EVER known this to be the case. It isn’t called “the Bride’s Big Day” for nothin’.

Show up in an ugly color=coordinated dress. Yeah. That’s about the size of it. There IS a trend for parents of the grooms to help with expenses because, well , it’s expensive.
Even a small intimate garden wedding can rack up major debt very easily.

Is it fair to the groom’s side? Not really.
She would be way more involved things if it were a daughter’s wedding.

Sad but true.

If the young woman is a good match, then she should just rejoice and enjoy the day.
Nobody ever cared about corsages. As a musician who has played literally hundreds of weddings, I never wear them I can’t play with a smelly corsage in my face.
Nobody ever cared where they sat at the reception, although in church its easier to take care of, Groom’s side, Bride’s side. The relatives can duke it out from there on their own.

I’m sorry this is a source of grief.
***But praise God he found a good woman, and don’t let the handling of these few hours mess up the relationship that will last for the rest of your lives. ***

Thanks for the good advice, Clare, especially the part you bolded.

As far as the reception is concerned, I am tempted to say a similar toast to what the guy says at the wedding reception at about second 23 in the following commercial that aired a few years ago: Roll Tide.

youtube.com/watch?v=FlHrbixS7Ws

 

[Xystus]

… and they can call their first son John the Baptist?

Maybe just John, let the boy pick his own profession

 

[Tommy999]

Maybe just John, let the boy pick his own profession

Point well taken.

 

[zea_maize]

To the OP, are you and your wife hosting the rehearsal dinner? Maybe she could focus her energies on planning that.

This was going to be my suggestion! This is traditionally the role of the groom’s family and she could have total control

 

[Tommy999]

I just want to say that I think it’s super-cool of you to be asking the question, how to make your wife feel respected and honored. That says a lot about you as a husband.

I’m sorry I don’t have good advice, but I will pray for her, and for your family. God bless you.

I appreciate the kind words but most of all I appreciate your prayers, LPS.

 

[Tommy999]

This was going to be my suggestion! This is traditionally the role of the groom’s family and she could have total control

My son and fiancé didn’t want one of these, for whatever reason. Maybe that’s another thing I can ask my son about in private when I go see him next week. My wife is going to visit him this weekend (his birthday) but I can’t go because I am on-call for my work, but I plan on going to see him next weekend when I have no work restrictions.

 

[zea_maize]

My son and fiancé didn’t want one of these, for whatever reason. Maybe that’s another thing I can ask my son about in private when I go see him next week. My wife is going to visit him this weekend (his birthday) but I can’t go because I am on-call for my work, but I plan on going to see him next weekend when I have no work restrictions.

Perhaps they were worried about the cost? If that’s another cost you are able to cover I bet it would be appreciated!

You’ll be in my prayers as you navigate this!

 

[Tommy999]

Perhaps they were worried about the cost? If that’s another cost you are able to cover I bet it would be appreciated!

You’ll be in my prayers as you navigate this!

Yes, I’ll follow up on that. Thanks for your recommendations and prayers, zea maize.

 

[pianistclare]

Thanks for the good advice, Clare, especially the part you bolded.

As far as the reception is concerned, I am tempted to say a similar toast to what the guy says at the wedding reception at about second 23 in the following commercial that aired a few years ago: Roll Tide.

youtube.com/watch?v=FlHrbixS7Ws

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My son and fiancé didn’t want one of these, for whatever reason. Maybe that’s another thing I can ask my son about in private when I go see him next week. My wife is going to visit him this weekend (his birthday) but I can’t go because I am on-call for my work, but I plan on going to see him next weekend when I have no work restrictions.

Please don’t bother them. In 20 years what do you want them to think of your roles in thier wedding? Support them in what they wish to do, accept honor when it is given, and stop planning a wedding that isn’t yours.

 

[Tommy999]

I doubt the intent was to purposely exclude her. The groom’s mother (or the bride’s mother, for that matter) does not normally join the bride and bridesmaids when they go to get their hair done. Plus, as Lorelai says, there is a tight schedule for these things; you have to book the hair stylist way in advance and plan on the exact number of people so that the stylist knows how much time to allot. For that reason, it is likely not possible to add your wife to the group at this point.

To the OP, are you and your wife hosting the rehearsal dinner? Maybe she could focus her energies on planning that.

Yes, wedding planning a way of bringing out the emotions in everyone; I don’t know why that is. It is normal to wish at some point during the planning for an elopement instead, but I am sure it will all turn out all right and be a beautiful day.

I somehow missed this reply when I was going through other posts. Thanks, EnglishTeacher. I hope and pray it turns out well, especially with it being at an outdoor venue in March in Oklahoma, where the wind (and other things) can go “sweeping down the plain”. lol

 

[angell1]

What is it about weddings that brings out narcissistic characteristics in people. What other sacraments do that!?

no other sacraments do that.

it’s crazy how weddings how have to be this whole elaborate, budget-breaking affair.

a couple young people my age got married last year, it was a wedding in the church, a potluck in the parish hall after, and the entertainment was square dancing in the outdoor field

more weddings should be like that. and I think if young people feel they are responsible enough to get married, then they should be in chargeof their own business for wedding planning. parents on both sides can just sit back, if they really need advice, the kids will ask

 

[ctb95]

Congrat’s on your son’s engagement!

All I will say is that if I’m preparing to get married, I would want wedding plans to be between my fiancee and I. I’d be willing to ask my mother for advice from time to time, but if she’s trying to butt in and make all the plans, I’d be very annoyed!

That’s my :twocents:

 

[ctb95]

no other sacraments do that.

it’s crazy how weddings how have to be this whole elaborate, budget-breaking affair.

a couple young people my age got married last year, it was a wedding in the church, a potluck in the parish hall after, and the entertainment was square dancing in the outdoor field

more weddings should be like that. and I think if young people feel they are responsible enough to get married, then they should be in chargeof their own business for wedding planning. parents on both sides can just sit back, if they really need advice, the kids will ask

I agree! If I get married, I would want a beautiful and dignified, but simple wedding. I don’t understand why weddings have to be so darn complicated. But then again, I’ve never been involved in wedding planning.