Son getting married -- need advice

[SuscipeMeDomine]

Perhaps it would be helpful if your wife had something else to focus on. I’m thinking that since your son and future wife live at a distance maybe you could host a party for them locally. It would give your friends a chance to meet the couple (or at least the daughter in law). You could include your sons friends as well, especially any who can’t attend the wedding. And your wife can plan the food, flowers, and everything else.

 

[Tommy999]

no other sacraments do that.

it’s crazy how weddings how have to be this whole elaborate, budget-breaking affair.

a couple young people my age got married last year, it was a wedding in the church, a potluck in the parish hall after, and the entertainment was square dancing in the outdoor field

more weddings should be like that. and I think if young people feel they are responsible enough to get married, then they should be in chargeof their own business for wedding planning. parents on both sides can just sit back, if they really need advice, the kids will ask

I’m ok with this approach. In fact, I see practical advantages to it, both financial and in keeping the main thing the “main thing” and not fretting so much about the details. I would feel ok with this approach, personally.

However something tells me – for many young ladies, I suspect they dream of their “perfect wedding” and it usually involves more frills than that, depending on their budget. However, are your friends any less married because they didn’t have all the bells and whistles? Nope. In fact, it may have even been more enjoyable for everyone involved since they didn’t have to do so much worrying over the details.

 

[Tommy999]

Perhaps it would be helpful if your wife had something else to focus on. I’m thinking that since your son and future wife live at a distance maybe you could host a party for them locally. It would give your friends a chance to meet the couple (or at least the daughter in law). You could include your sons friends as well, especially any who can’t attend the wedding. And your wife can plan the food, flowers, and everything else.

Another good idea, although my wife already participated in a shower recently in our city that another common friend of both families hosted for our son’s fiancé and her family and friends who drove to our city for it. My wife seemed to enjoy that, although she didn’t host it.

 

[macstar]

First, you have a good head on your shoulders, dad

Is it possible for your wife to throw your soon-to-be daughter-in-law a bridal shower? It would welcome the bride to your family and give your wife something to focus on. It could be as simple as cake and punch on an afternoon at home or however big your wife would like to make it. Some families may be opposed to throwing a family member (or soon-to-be family member) a shower, but that is beside the point. The point is to welcome the bride into your family and it helps get the mother-in-law on board with things and feel involved. It may also help with having/establishing a rapport for the future with the bride, your wife and/or other family members on your son’s side of the family.

Side note: Invite primarily your son’s family members and others in the area invited to the wedding (and of course, anyone who the bride would like to invite, and definitely include her mother). Nix the idea if your wife would be insistent on having people at the shower who are not invited to the wedding, as adding extra wedding guests may not be feasible for the young couple. Typically shower guests get a wedding invitation. However, go for it if some shower guests happen to not be able to attend the wedding, like a great aunt who cannot make the trip but would be delighted to see the bride, or your wife’s friends who are there more for moral support for your wife who are ok with not getting a wedding invite. Moms like to “show off” their new daughter-in-law.

And the previous advice of distracting your wife with a trip or outing is good!

 

[Xantippe]

Perhaps they were worried about the cost? If that’s another cost you are able to cover I bet it would be appreciated!

You’ll be in my prayers as you navigate this!

It would be really easy for a corsage to clash with the dresses or for the bride not to like the flowers.

I can imagine that really messing with the aesthetics.

For the record, while I have heard guest complaining about weddings, it’s never been about flowers–the complaints I have heard have usually been about not being fed properly or a failure to consider other basic creature comforts.

I’ve told the story before, but one of my cousins had an extremely elegant small wedding that probably photographed beautifully–but there was virtually nothing to eat. My informants said it would have been **dire **had they not gotten sandwiches before the wedding, but I’m sure not everybody did that. Just $100-$200 spent at Costco would have saved the situation. They also only had the use of the chairs for about an hour after the wedding and then they needed to be folded up and put away…

 

[Xantippe]

I somehow missed this reply when I was going through other posts. Thanks, EnglishTeacher. I hope and pray it turns out well, especially with it being at an outdoor venue in March in Oklahoma, where the wind (and other things) can go “sweeping down the plain”. lol

!!!

 

[LexDivina]

Well, a wedding is a big day for a bride and an emotional time for everyone. Kindly remind her that it isn’t her wedding, and to let the bride have “her day” so to speak, but also encourage your son to encourage his wife to be to be respectful and mindful of her new mother in laws feelings and to include her as well, especially since you are contributing financially which is traditionally the father of the brides job so its a bit disrespectful to not include your wife. Did they spend much time together before? Going out to lunches, bonding as mother in law and daughter in law? I noticed a lot of bride to be these days don’t bond much with MIL. Encourage more bonding through your son so she sees your wife as a friend and second mother and wants her more involved. I wish I had a MIL like your wife!

 

[Allegra]

I’m glad your wife is not MY mother-in-law. She’s completely out of line with this! If I was you, I would not use this opportunity to coddle her in her misconceived notion that she is supposed to have a say in her adult son’s marital life. The reason is, presumably they will have a happy marriage and someday soon, be having grandchildren. I assume your wife wants to maintain a relationship with her son and those prospective grandchildren. This is the thing. Most women resent and avoid unsolicited advice from their OWN mothers. They certainly aren’t going to sit still for someone else’s mother trying to boss them around. If your wife persists in treating her daughter-in-law this way, and the DIL isn’t a complete doormat, her reaction is going to range from avoidance to outright shunning. Depending on how much your wife is willing to die on this hill, she may not be seeing her son and grandchildren over whether or not the groomsmen have flowers on their vests.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m glad your wife is not MY mother-in-law. She’s completely out of line with this! If I was you, I would not use this opportunity to coddle her in her misconceived notion that she is supposed to have a say in her adult son’s marital life. The reason is, presumably they will have a happy marriage and someday soon, be having grandchildren. I assume your wife wants to maintain a relationship with her son and those prospective grandchildren. This is the thing. **Most women resent and avoid unsolicited advice from their OWN mothers. They certainly aren’t going to sit still for someone else’s mother trying to boss them around. **If your wife persists in treating her daughter-in-law this way, and the DIL isn’t a complete doormat, her reaction is going to range from avoidance to outright shunning. Depending on how much your wife is willing to die on this hill, she may not be seeing her son and grandchildren over whether or not the groomsmen have flowers on their vests.

This is unfortunately true.

 

[LittleWay92]

I agree with those suggesting that you offer to pay for and plan/host a rehearsal dinner. However, I would make sure to offer it only once, and if it is refused, let it go. No more trying to plan any aspect of the wedding day. If they want help, they will ask.

How this wedding reflects your wife to your daughter-in-law is much more important than how it reflects your wife to her family/friends, who already know and love her. People understand that flowers, etc. are picked by the bride, not the mother of the groom. It will not make your wife look bad.

 

[EasterJoy]

*She sees how the wedding turns out to be a reflection on her, at least to a certain extent.
*

No. Nobody thinks the parents of the groom had any “artistic (name removed by moderator)ut” into a wedding or wedding reception. They never did. The old presumption is that the parents of the bride paid for everything and the bride and her mother planned everything. Why would that have changed now?

It would have been a kind gesture if the bride and groom had elected to consult with their parents about a few things. It was not necessary, but it would have been a generous gesture towards family members who are, after all, being very generous to them. Yes, they’re adults, but come on, adults who want to do things their own way usually expect to pay their own way.

They didn’t involve you or your wife, though, and they didn’t have to. Maybe, just maybe, there is even a very good reason for that, such as someone’s habit of arguing until she gets her own way. I can’t speak to that, but if that is the case, do point out to your wife that no one likes to color with someone who grabs the crayons and adds to other people’s pictures without their consent.

If you don’t want to go there, I don’t blame you. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. The short answer for your wife is this: Since you said “no strings attached,” that means “no strings attached,” which includes no guilt trips, no unsolicited advice (other than refusing to fund cost overruns, of course) and no end runs. If she does otherwise, your gift was really a Trojan horse for an imagined “right” to interfere when you promised you would not. That is a bad gift for parents to present to an adult child.

You have one task for this wedding, OP, which is to convince your wife to serenely accept that in spite of her wishes to the contrary, she has not been invited to plan the wedding. She had a son, so from the day he was born, she should have seen this coming.

That’s your job. Accept it. Good luck, and may the Lord and his angels go with you.

PS on the hair: Your wife asked if it would be a problem to use the stylist of the future daughter-in-law. It was. Was her “request” actually a demand? If not, then she needs to accept that the answer could be “no,” with no excuse given! Your wife has plenty of time to arrange to have her own hair done by a stylist of her choosing. Her hair style hasn’t been dictated, so it should not be a problem. March is hardly high season for weddings.

**There is one thing: You are allowed to buy your own wife a corsage for a formal event, and you don’t have to ask anyone’s permission. If you decide to do that, however, it would be only gracious to see to the mother of the bride, too. Ask your son if you should offer to buy corsages for both of the mothers, so that the mother of the groom won’t have a corsage and the mother of the groom won’t. If any of the grandmothers will be in attendance, give them the “positive flower sign,” too. If your son refuses to allow you to buy your own wife a corsage for her son’s wedding, take him aside and feel free to say, “Come on. Grow up and be bigger than that, Son.”

 

[EasterJoy]

I am not proud of this, but after hearing a few more of her most recent concerns about the wedding plans, I told her I wished our son and his fiancé would just go and elope somewhere – probably not my finest hour as a husband but it reflected my frustration at her attitude.

Grooms routinely wish this at some point prior to their weddings.

 

[LittleWay92]

*She sees how the wedding turns out to be a reflection on her, at least to a certain extent.
*

No. Nobody thinks the parents of the groom had any “artistic (name removed by moderator)ut” into a wedding or wedding reception. They never did. The old presumption is that the parents of the bride paid for everything and the bride and her mother planned everything. Why would that have changed now?

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m glad your wife is not MY mother-in-law. She’s completely out of line with this! If I was you, I would not use this opportunity to coddle her in her misconceived notion that she is supposed to have a say in her adult son’s marital life. The reason is, presumably they will have a happy marriage and someday soon, be having grandchildren. I assume your wife wants to maintain a relationship with her son and those prospective grandchildren. This is the thing. Most women resent and avoid unsolicited advice from their OWN mothers. They certainly aren’t going to sit still for someone else’s mother trying to boss them around. If your wife persists in treating her daughter-in-law this way, and the DIL isn’t a complete doormat, her reaction is going to range from avoidance to outright shunning. Depending on how much your wife is willing to die on this hill, she may not be seeing her son and grandchildren over whether or not the groomsmen have flowers on their vests.

Yes, she’s out of line, but on the scale of MIL sins, this is hardly the worst that it gets.

The main thing in dealing with weddings is to remain calm and expect more advice than you want, and absolutely expect more than one party to get way more emotional than necessary about something that doesn’t deserve it.

Chalk it up to the expression of something that can’t be spoken–“I feel as if I’ve ‘lost’ my son because he’s making decisions that don’t include me”–into the expression of something that can be spoken–“I feel that the decisions made about how to conduct the festivities surrounding my son’s wedding are a reflection on our family.”

 

[Tommy999]

Well, a wedding is a big day for a bride and an emotional time for everyone. Kindly remind her that it isn’t her wedding, and to let the bride have “her day” so to speak, but also encourage your son to encourage his wife to be to be respectful and mindful of her new mother in laws feelings and to include her as well, especially since you are contributing financially which is traditionally the father of the brides job so its a bit disrespectful to not include your wife. Did they spend much time together before? Going out to lunches, bonding as mother in law and daughter in law? I noticed a lot of bride to be these days don’t bond much with MIL. Encourage more bonding through your son so she sees your wife as a friend and second mother and wants her more involved. I wish I had a MIL like your wife!

Points well taken, LexDivina. By the way, we’ve seen our future DIL about 7 or 8 times since they got engaged a little over 3 months ago. They were with us at Christmas, which meant a lot to my wife.

As I write this, my wife is visiting them where they live. Before she left, I respectfully asked her not to offer any unsolicited advice for the good of her relationship with our future DIL. I even kidded with her that she didn’t want to turn into *Everybody Loves Raymond’s *mother, did she? She seemed to take it well.

 

[Tommy999]

I agree with those suggesting that you offer to pay for and plan/host a rehearsal dinner. However, I would make sure to offer it only once, and if it is refused, let it go. No more trying to plan any aspect of the wedding day. If they want help, they will ask.

How this wedding reflects your wife to your daughter-in-law is much more important than how it reflects your wife to her family/friends, who already know and love her. People understand that flowers, etc. are picked by the bride, not the mother of the groom. It will not make your wife look bad.

I agree that the relationship after the wedding with our son and future DIL is a lot more important than what the wedding plans are. By the way, I verified there won’t be a Rehearsal Dinner because a number of the attendants on both sides work until early evening and can’t make it until 8:00pm for the Rehearsal. After the Rehearsal is over, it will presumably be past 09:00pm, which is too late for dinner on a weeknight, according to our son. We honored his decision, although I think that is one of the reasons my wife is feeling somewhat left out. Please continue to pray for us. I have faith things will work out in the end with God’s help.

 

[Tommy999]

You have one task for this wedding, OP, which is to convince your wife to serenely accept that in spite of her wishes to the contrary, she has not been invited to plan the wedding. That’s your job. Accept it. Good luck, and may the Lord and his angels go with you. "

Agreed, EasterJoy, and thanks. I’m working on it as best I can.

PS on the hair: Your wife asked if it would be a problem to use the stylist of the future daughter-in-law. It was. Was her “request” actually a demand? If not, then she needs to accept that the answer could be “no,” with no excuse given! Your wife has plenty of time to arrange to have her own hair done by a stylist of her choosing. Her hair style hasn’t been dictated, so it should not be a problem. March is hardly high season for weddings. ."

It was a request, and her feelings were hurt by what she perceived as an insensitive reply by her future DIL to what she considered to be a reasonable request. However, I went on to remind her that my mother didn’t ask her to do that on our wedding day and I asked her how she would’ve felt to have my mother there with her and her bridesmaids and mother, which gave her something to ponder. She seemed to tone it down a little after that, although she replied that she wouldn’t have minded.

It’s going to be OK now, I think, because my wife’s best friend came to the rescue. She has a niece who lives in that city who is a hair stylist who volunteered to do my wife’s’ hair along with her best friend’s hair together, so I think they’ve got it covered now and that issue is fading into the rearview mirror.

**There is one thing: You are allowed to buy your own wife a corsage for a formal event, and you don’t have to ask anyone’s permission. If you decide to do that, however, it would be only gracious to see to the mother of the bride, too. Ask your son if you should offer to buy corsages for both of the mothers, so that the mother of the groom won’t have a corsage and the mother of the groom won’t. If any of the grandmothers will be in attendance, give them the “positive flower sign,” too. If your son refuses to allow you to buy your own wife a corsage for her son’s wedding, take him aside and feel free to say, “Come on. Grow up and be bigger than that, Son.”

Thanks. I will talk to my son about this. He is a good son with a good heart. it’s just that my wife thinks he goes out of his way to please his future in-laws more than us and feels a little slighted by theat. I told her we need to give our son the benefit of the doubt and that I predicted that things will get better after the wedding is over and things settle down.

 

[Tommy999]

Yes, she’s out of line, but on the scale of MIL sins, this is hardly the worst that it gets.

The main thing in dealing with weddings is to remain calm and expect more advice than you want, and absolutely expect more than one party to get way more emotional than necessary about something that doesn’t deserve it.

Chalk it up to the expression of something that can’t be spoken–“I feel as if I’ve ‘lost’ my son because he’s making decisions that don’t include me”–into the expression of something that can be spoken–“I feel that the decisions made about how to conduct the festivities surrounding my son’s wedding are a reflection on our family.”

I think you’re on to something here, EasterJoy. We have two sons, and my wife is a little closer to our oldest son even though she loves both. Our eldest son lives in our city and isn’t married yet. He generally tends to listen to his mom more than our youngest son who is getting married. Our youngest son is more independent and is the one who moved 100 miles away in order to get a job in his field, which didn’t exist in our city. He generally doesn’t seek our advice or (name removed by moderator)ut and usually learns things through trial and error and through the school of hard knocks, whereas our oldest tends to ask us for advice on things ahead of time and heeds it, for the most part. Same parents but two distinct personalities. That’s just the way God made them.

 

[Katherine438]

Agreed, EasterJoy, and thanks. I’m working on it as best I can.

It was a request, and her feelings were hurt by what she perceived as an insensitive reply by her future DIL to what she considered to be a reasonable request. However, I went on to remind her that my mother didn’t ask her to do that on our wedding day and I asked her how she would’ve felt to have my mother there with her and her bridesmaids and mother, which gave her something to ponder. She seemed to tone it down a little after that, although she replied that she wouldn’t have minded.

It’s going to be OK now, I think, because my wife’s best friend came to the rescue. She has a niece who lives in that city who is a hair stylist who volunteered to do my wife’s’ hair along with her best friend’s hair together, so I think they’ve got it covered now and that issue is fading into the rearview mirror.

Thanks. I will talk to my son about this. He is a good son with a good heart. it’s just that my wife thinks he goes out of his way to please his future in-laws more than us and feels a little slighted by theat. I told her we need to give our son the benefit of the doubt and that I predicted that things will get better after the wedding is over and things settle down.

Things will only get worse if your wife continues to be so sensitive … she really needs to understand the old saying … your daughter is your daughter for the rest of her life … your son is your son until he takes a wife.

I’m not trying to be hurtful … but your wife seems to be too sensitive … and she has to understand that her son is getting married and has in-laws that he needs to get along with, and a wife that he needs to please first and foremost … even before his parents.

You see your son knows that you love him, and probably expects you to be understanding.

 

[Irishmom2]

Hello Tommy.

Here is another way to discuss things with your wife. The wedding service/mass itself depends a lot upon the parish, so that is really between the bridal couple and the priest. So that parts “easy.”

Traditionally, the **bride’s ** family made the arrangements for the reception because that was a gesture of happiness and sharing. The family is celebrating the marriage of their daughter. The brides parents are the **hosts. **And as hosts, they get to decide how things are going to go, and what they want included or not. The groom may (or sometimes not ) have a say in what goes on. The grooms family can offer in a general way to help with whatever the brides family may need. But it’s their show. They might not want or need help.

I do realize that some couples pay for everything nowadays. And so, they make the decisions. And you did say that you gave them no-strings-attached money, so that is how it must be treated.

I do however think it was not very kind of the bride and groom to decline your rehearsal dinner offer. Maybe they think it is too much to ask since you already gave them money. Maybe speak to your son.

Your wife, as others have said, just needs to show up looking lovely with you by her side and a smile on her face. The greatest gift she can give her son is to think of his happiness and to have a good relationship with her daughter in law right from the start. You can’t do that for her, it has to come from her.

P.S. I have two sons and I plan on following my own advice when the time comes.
And I have one daughter and we are on the same page that her wedding is ours to plan
and give.