Son getting married -- need advice

[Tommy999]

Things will only get worse if your wife continues to be so sensitive … she really needs to understand the old saying … your daughter is your daughter for the rest of her life … your son is your son until he takes a wife.

I’m not trying to be hurtful … but your wife seems to be too sensitive … and she has to understand that her son is getting married and has in-laws that he needs to get along with, and a wife that he needs to please first and foremost … even before his parents.

You see your son knows that you love him, and probably expects you to be understanding.

Yes, I agree she is a little too sensitive, Katherine438.

She said “as a guy” that I couldn’t understand what she was going through as a woman and mom. I told her she’s probably right and that I didn’t have any future plans on becoming a woman, either, which solicited a rare smile and laugh from her.

 

[Katherine438]

Yes, I agree she is a little too sensitive, Katherine438.

She said “as a guy” that I couldn’t understand what she was going through as a woman and mom. I told her she’s probably right and that I didn’t have any future plans on becoming a woman, either, which solicited a rare smile and laugh from her.

I’ll pray for your wife and her ability to handle this new situation where her son will be married with in-laws … I know from my own situation with my daughter that I have had to learn to be understanding that there are another set of parents that she needs to contend with, and also a husband to answer to … it takes a lot of patience.

 

[Tommy999]

I’ll pray for your wife and her ability to handle this new situation where her son will be married with in-laws … I know from my own situation with my daughter that I have had to learn to be understanding that there are another set of parents that she needs to contend with, and also a husband to answer to … it takes a lot of patience.

Much appreciated, Katherine and to everyone else who responded to this thread. You have offered some good advice. It was nice to be able to run my issue and thoughts by an objective Christian third party and get your thoughts on it.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you’re on to something here, EasterJoy. We have two sons, and my wife is a little closer to our oldest son even though she loves both. Our eldest son lives in our city and isn’t married yet. He generally tends to listen to his mom more than our youngest son who is getting married. Our youngest son is more independent and is the one who moved 100 miles away in order to get a job in his field, which didn’t exist in our city. He generally doesn’t seek our advice or (name removed by moderator)ut and usually learns things through trial and error and through the school of hard knocks, whereas our oldest tends to ask us for advice on things ahead of time and heeds it, for the most part. Same parents but two distinct personalities. That’s just the way God made them.

In 2017, a hundred miles is not that far. Losing an adult child to the opposite continental coast is not uncommon.

There is a chance your older son can give you some insights into his brothers’ side of this, if you promise none of what is said will get back to your wife, whom neither son may want to hurt by direct criticism of motherly behavior they don’t like. The older son may also be able to talk to your wife: e.g., “Mom, Dad tells me you’re hurt that Aaron isn’t involving you in the wedding planning. I have lots of friends getting married, and their moms aren’t in on the planning, even though their parents are pitching in on the cost. It is kind of the down side of getting a boy. On the other hand, the friends with sisters say their moms welcomed the chance to be mother of the groom and not have so much nutty planning to do that they had when their sisters married, so maybe there’s that. At any rate, you’re stuck with us boys. I’ve been a guy long enough to know I’ll be lucky to get my two bits in when I marry, let alone getting you or Dad on the steering committee…just so you get the heads up.”

I think your wife’s willingness to find a fun alternative way to get her hair done is a very good sign. She’s moving on to a new phase of her life, after all, and that’s not easy.

She said “as a guy” that I couldn’t understand what she was going through as a woman and mom. I told her she’s probably right and that I didn’t have any future plans on becoming a woman, either, which solicited a rare smile and laugh from her.

That’s a cute story, and the laugh is an extremely good sign!

 

[Xantippe]

Points well taken, LexDivina. By the way, we’ve seen our future DIL about 7 or 8 times since they got engaged a little over 3 months ago. They were with us at Christmas, which meant a lot to my wife.

As I write this, my wife is visiting them where they live. Before she left, I respectfully asked her not to offer any unsolicited advice for the good of her relationship with our future DIL. I even kidded with her that she didn’t want to turn into *Everybody Loves Raymond’s *mother, did she? She seemed to take it well.

Very good.

I’ve married into a family that offers a lot of advice, and as that isn’t my family culture, I was initially very prickly about it.

The good news is that I’ve gotten less prickly and my in-laws (thank goodness) have backed off the advice. We used to get about a dozen helpful ideas per hour spent with them.



People can only absorb so many pieces of advice, no matter how brilliant they are or how kindly meant.

 

[Tommy999]

Very good.

I’ve married into a family that offers a lot of advice, and as that isn’t my family culture, I was initially very prickly about it.

The good news is that I’ve gotten less prickly and my in-laws (thank goodness) have backed off the advice. We used to get about a dozen helpful ideas per hour spent with them.



People can only absorb so many pieces of advice, no matter how brilliant they are or how kindly meant.

Thanks, Xantippe. Your post gives me added hope that things will improve as they did for you. .

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks, Xantippe. Your post gives me added hope that things will improve as they did for you. .

I actually have a sort of tradition now of doing a weekend in Seattle with my MIL when I am in transit to see my family in WA. We have a LOT of fun and we’ve done it three years in a row now.

I never would have imagined doing that even 10 years ago.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

I got married 1.5 years ago at the age of 24. We had a small wedding with lots of cost cutting measures for things we didn’t care about (for example, we didn’t deck the church in flowers and I got my dress in a charity bridal store). Both sets of parents wanted to give wedding gifts. My parents paid for some of our honeymoon, his parents paid for the rings and the 20 person buffet after the ceremony (we had a big after party the next evening with friends and extended family - worked out way cheaper that way).

I would have been very put out if my MIL bahaved like your wife is. Her behaviour is not uncommon, but it is wrong. All that matters is that the bride and groom enjoy the day and the guests are reasonably comfortable. Savings on flowers is a great idea IMO. The fact that your wife wanted her stylist to check the bride’s hair made me

I get on great with my MIL. Seriously, is it more important to your wife that she has a good relationship with her daughter in law (who sounds like she is being very patient with your wife so far) or that she feels that the neighbors won’t be judging her.

If people still judge that parents of the bride and groom for the wedding, those people have issues. Perhaps you should sit down with her and tell her to leave them alone? Someone needs to get her to see reason or she could dampen the wedding for the while wedding party.

I will say that I would make an exception to the above if you were paying for the whole wedding and had paid with a view to organising some of it. But a gift with no strings attached? Your wife has no right to push her opinions.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I know she must be a lovely lady and this is just a blind spot for her. I hope she comes round.

EDITED TO ADD: sorry I misread what you said about the stylist… I thought your wife wanted HER stylist to check the brides hair! OK, so I can see how she might have felt slighted by that… But also I can see how time might be tight on the morning… If my MIL asked that I would have been more than happy… But I have to ask, did this request come before or after she tried to change their mind in some other aspects of the wedding?

 

[ShrodingersCat]

What is it about weddings that brings out narcissistic characteristics in people. What other sacraments do that!?

Haha! You should come to some Irish First Communions / Confirmations! You’d be surprised

 

[Marie5890]

Mmmmm, I don’t know your wife or the dynamics of the relationship that she and your son have.

With that, perhaps your wife is struggling with the idea, even unconsciously, that there is a woman in your son’s life that is going to be, and right so, more important that her.

If your wife continues to struggle with her attitude about the wedding, remind her this is the time gracefully cut the apron strings. This is your son’s wedding yes, and happily so.

But the bride is the center of attention and that is how it needs to be.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

My son and fiancé didn’t want one of these, for whatever reason. Maybe that’s another thing I can ask my son about in private when I go see him next week. My wife is going to visit him this weekend (his birthday) but I can’t go because I am on-call for my work, but I plan on going to see him next weekend when I have no work restrictions.

In Ireland there is no rehearsal dinner. In fact we didn’t bother with a rehearsal - the priest knew what was going on, that was enough

Again, if they aren’t having a rehearsal dinner, I wouldn’t recommend pushing them into one for the sake of placating your wife.

My husband let me mostly decide on the details of the wedding - it is common for the bride to just do the organising with the people she’s already close to and the groom goes with the flow. Unless there is something your son is in charge of, I am not sure there will be something for your wife to do that the bride doesn’t already have under control. But I’m a natural organiser so that’s just my perspective.

I hope your wife finds a way to enjoy the day I hope you enjoy it too!

 

[ShrodingersCat]

I agree! If I get married, I would want a beautiful and dignified, but simple wedding. I don’t understand why weddings have to be so darn complicated. But then again, I’ve never been involved in wedding planning.

They don’t have to be complicated at all, as long as you don’t have a pathological fear of What The Neighbours Think

 

[Allegra]

Yes, she’s out of line, but on the scale of MIL sins, this is hardly the worst that it gets.

The main thing in dealing with weddings is to remain calm and expect more advice than you want, and absolutely expect more than one party to get way more emotional than necessary about something that doesn’t deserve it.

Chalk it up to the expression of something that can’t be spoken–“I feel as if I’ve ‘lost’ my son because he’s making decisions that don’t include me”–into the expression of something that can be spoken–“I feel that the decisions made about how to conduct the festivities surrounding my son’s wedding are a reflection on our family.”

You’re right that it’s not the worst by far, but when people are treated this way by an in-law, they are hesitant to come around much. Most people don’t really like to argue about things that are no one else’s business and they aren’t generally dying to go spend time with someone who oversteps their boundaries in this way. And of course, this is a complete generalization, but it’s been my experience that the ladies in the family are the ones who tend to plan the family events. Lots of guys won’t think to invent their parents over for dinner every now and then or invite them to the kids’ school functions, etc. It’s in the OP’s best interest to not annoy the snot out of the DIL before they even get to the altar!

 

[mommy_k]

There is also such a thing as a bridezilla…

Your wife probably had these traditions of corsages etc from her side of the family, and these things are what she expects a nice wedding to have…so don’t be too harsh in judgement.

It is not unusual for the grooms mom to do the seating arrangements for your side of the family…she may know who gets along better etc–in my family the more related to the groom, or bride, the closer u sit to the first table etc-but the above is taken in to consideration. She knows better then the brides side who gets along well, and also knows more about this then your son. This is not conyrol…this is insuring no one gets seated cortectly, and has enjoyable people at thier table.

Imho, if the brides family is not paying for the entire venue, it is not a traditional wedding…

Yes it’s the bride and grooms day, but they should also make your wife feel part of it. This is charity…this brings closeness. I don’t see any extremes in the op.

I would treat your wife and her sisters if she has any…or couple of women friends to get thier hair done that morning…if it’s too much to ask for the brides side to include her.

Remember it may not be entirely her fault for feeling this way… To expect zero (name removed by moderator)ut is unreasonable, even if the bride side was footing the entire bill.

Congratulations on your son’s wedding

 

[CradleJourney]

Yes, I agree she is a little too sensitive, Katherine438.

She said “as a guy” that I couldn’t understand what she was going through as a woman and mom. I told her she’s probably right and that I didn’t have any future plans on becoming a woman, either, which solicited a rare smile and laugh from her.

This made me smile because my husband would (and does) say essentially the same thing.

My thought - is there any chance your son would be willing to come visit without his fiance and take your wife out for a special dinner / activity - just the two of them. Something special to mark the transition from her son to someone’s husband?

I know I get all antsy and emotional about life transitions and it has, unfortunately, come out in inappropriate ways (much like your wife’s attempts to become involved).

Thankfully I’m older and wiser now - so while I still get anxious and emotional, hubby and the kids are better about helping me out by doing small “transition” events - hubby taking me out and having me pick out a special piece of jewelry to remember the occasion or the kid involved taking me out for dinner or just setting up a “just us” movie marathon. The point being is their actions directly confirmed that they understood something was changing, that it was hard for me, that they loved me and that though things may change (them getting married, going to college, etc.) - they still loved me and we’d still have a relationship. It made me feel better and more able to accept that I had to step back and let them go with the decisions they made.

 

[Tommy999]

Thanks again to everyone for the helpful replies. Most of all, thanks for your prayers.

Update:
On Saturday my wife went to my son’s city and had a nice visit with him. It is his birthday on Monday. I couldn’t go due to work obligations but I will see him next weekend.

According to my wife, when their visit gravitated to the subject of the wedding, my son apparently put his foot down and told her that they don’t want to have corsages and boutonnieres as a matter of personal taste, which disappointed my wife but she said she didn’t say anything else about it. She said she felt the Lord’s presence and she acted as gracefully as possible.

Toward the end of their visit, our son’s fiancé arrived. She reminded my wife how much she liked the ring bearer pillow from our wedding that my wife showed her at Christmas. She had kept it all these years as a keepsake.

Our son’s fiancé asked my wife if my wife could make one similar to it for them for their wedding – in their wedding colors. My wife is good at that sort of thing and she said she would be honored to make one for their wedding in their wedding colors.

Just that one small request from our DIL to my wife apparently made a world of difference to her attitude, as she now feels included more in the wedding preparations. She now feels more than just the woman who bore the groom.

In short, thanks for everyone for your prayers. Things have a taken a turn for the better. It makes my life more pleasant, too.

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks again to everyone for the helpful replies. Most of all, thanks for your prayers.

Update:
On Saturday my wife went to my son’s city and had a nice visit with him. It is his birthday on Monday. I couldn’t go due to work obligations but I will see him next weekend.

According to my wife, when their visit gravitated to the subject of the wedding, my son apparently put his foot down and told her that they don’t want to have corsages and boutonnieres as a matter of personal taste, which disappointed my wife but she said she moved on and didn’t dwell on it. She said she felt the Lord’s presence and she said she acted as gracefully as possible.

Toward the end of their visit, our son’s fiancé arrived. She reminded my wife how much she liked the ring bearer pillow from our wedding that my wife showed her at Christmas. She had kept all these years as a keepsake.

Our son’s fiancé asked my wife if my wife could make one similar to it for them for their wedding – in their wedding colors. My wife is good at that sort of thing and she said she would be honored to make one for their wedding in their wedding colors.

Just that one small request from our DIL to my wife apparently made a world of difference to her attitude, as she now feels included more in the wedding preparations. She now feels more than just the woman who bore the groom.

In short, thanks for everyone for your prayers. Things have a taken a turn for the better. It makes my life more pleasant, too.

Awwww!

 

[Marie5890]

Thanks again to everyone for the helpful replies. Most of all, thanks for your prayers.

Update:
On Saturday my wife went to my son’s city and had a nice visit with him. It is his birthday on Monday. I couldn’t go due to work obligations but I will see him next weekend.

According to my wife, when their visit gravitated to the subject of the wedding, my son apparently put his foot down and told her that they don’t want to have corsages and boutonnieres as a matter of personal taste, which disappointed my wife but she said she didn’t say anything else about it. She said she felt the Lord’s presence and she acted as gracefully as possible.

Toward the end of their visit, our son’s fiancé arrived. She reminded my wife how much she liked the ring bearer pillow from our wedding that my wife showed her at Christmas. She had kept it all these years as a keepsake.

Our son’s fiancé asked my wife if my wife could make one similar to it for them for their wedding – in their wedding colors. My wife is good at that sort of thing and she said she would be honored to make one for their wedding in their wedding colors.

Just that one small request from our DIL to my wife apparently made a world of difference to her attitude, as she now feels included more in the wedding preparations. She now feels more than just the woman who bore the groom.

In short, thanks for everyone for your prayers. Things have a taken a turn for the better. It makes my life more pleasant, too.

That is so awesome!!
I’m glad something very meaningful for your wife to do has been found. What a special keepsake that she will be able to add to the wedding. And how appropriate for the groom’s mother to make.

I LOVE that idea.

 

[zea_maize]

Thanks again to everyone for the helpful replies. Most of all, thanks for your prayers.

Update:
On Saturday my wife went to my son’s city and had a nice visit with him. It is his birthday on Monday. I couldn’t go due to work obligations but I will see him next weekend.

According to my wife, when their visit gravitated to the subject of the wedding, my son apparently put his foot down and told her that they don’t want to have corsages and boutonnieres as a matter of personal taste, which disappointed my wife but she said she didn’t say anything else about it. She said she felt the Lord’s presence and she acted as gracefully as possible.

Toward the end of their visit, our son’s fiancé arrived. She reminded my wife how much she liked the ring bearer pillow from our wedding that my wife showed her at Christmas. She had kept it all these years as a keepsake.

Our son’s fiancé asked my wife if my wife could make one similar to it for them for their wedding – in their wedding colors. My wife is good at that sort of thing and she said she would be honored to make one for their wedding in their wedding colors.

Just that one small request from our DIL to my wife apparently made a world of difference to her attitude, as she now feels included more in the wedding preparations. She now feels more than just the woman who bore the groom.

In short, thanks for everyone for your prayers. Things have a taken a turn for the better. It makes my life more pleasant, too.

Well now that is just PERFECT! All those prayers worked and were answered in a way none of us pictured. It’s amazing how God works when we listen. Thank you for sharing the outcome.

 

[Allegra]

Thanks again to everyone for the helpful replies. Most of all, thanks for your prayers.

Update:
On Saturday my wife went to my son’s city and had a nice visit with him. It is his birthday on Monday. I couldn’t go due to work obligations but I will see him next weekend.

According to my wife, when their visit gravitated to the subject of the wedding, my son apparently put his foot down and told her that they don’t want to have corsages and boutonnieres as a matter of personal taste, which disappointed my wife but she said she didn’t say anything else about it. She said she felt the Lord’s presence and she acted as gracefully as possible.

Toward the end of their visit, our son’s fiancé arrived. She reminded my wife how much she liked the ring bearer pillow from our wedding that my wife showed her at Christmas. She had kept it all these years as a keepsake.

Our son’s fiancé asked my wife if my wife could make one similar to it for them for their wedding – in their wedding colors. My wife is good at that sort of thing and she said she would be honored to make one for their wedding in their wedding colors.

Just that one small request from our DIL to my wife apparently made a world of difference to her attitude, as she now feels included more in the wedding preparations. She now feels more than just the woman who bore the groom.

In short, thanks for everyone for your prayers. Things have a taken a turn for the better. It makes my life more pleasant, too.

That’s great!