Son getting married -- need advice

[EasterJoy]

Thanks again to everyone for the helpful replies. Most of all, thanks for your prayers.

Update:
On Saturday my wife went to my son’s city and had a nice visit with him. It is his birthday on Monday. I couldn’t go due to work obligations but I will see him next weekend.

According to my wife, when their visit gravitated to the subject of the wedding, my son apparently put his foot down and told her that they don’t want to have corsages and boutonnieres as a matter of personal taste, which disappointed my wife but she said she didn’t say anything else about it. She said she felt the Lord’s presence and she acted as gracefully as possible.

Toward the end of their visit, our son’s fiancé arrived. She reminded my wife how much she liked the ring bearer pillow from our wedding that my wife showed her at Christmas. She had kept it all these years as a keepsake.

Our son’s fiancé asked my wife if my wife could make one similar to it for them for their wedding – in their wedding colors. My wife is good at that sort of thing and she said she would be honored to make one for their wedding in their wedding colors.

Just that one small request from our DIL to my wife apparently made a world of difference to her attitude, as she now feels included more in the wedding preparations. She now feels more than just the woman who bore the groom.

In short, thanks for everyone for your prayers. Things have a taken a turn for the better. It makes my life more pleasant, too.

That was a graceful way for your wife to handle it. Kudos to her. It was also good that the bride found a way to include the mother of the groom that pleased them both. That bodes well!

 

[Tommy999]

Brief Update:
The wedding is this weekend. Things are going very well since I last communicated. Thanks again for all your prayers.

We are looking forward to having a daughter-in-law. My wife found her niche in making the ring bearer pillow and another couple of handmade gifts for their home that our future daughter-in-law requested her to make for them. My wife is really good at that sort of thing and just wanted to be useful in some way and now she is, thanks to my future daughter-in-law.

My wife is still a bit nervous and a bit keyed up, but I think it is a normal and healthy nervousness for this stage of the preparations, if you know what I mean.

For me, I’ve been taking little breaks here and there to listen to a few oldies that reminded me of my relationship with my son over the years, like *‘Watching Scotty Grow’ *by Bobby Goldsboro and *‘You Will Always Be a Child in my Eyes’ *by Ray Boltz. I haven’t mentioned this to anyone else yet because they might think I’m being too corny or too sentimental for a man, but I love my son dearly and my mind wanders back to when he was growing up, which were some of the favorite years of my life with him. Now he is a good Christian man of 26 who loves God. I’m very proud of him.

On wedding day (Sunday afternoon), I’ll be a happy dad as I see them get married. Please pray for my son and his fiancé that they will have a strong marriage and will continue to put the Lord first in their life and their relationship as they have been doing.

Pray especially that they will go to the Lord in difficult times when the relationship hits a rough spot, which most marriages do at some point along the way.

Also, they are supposed to be married outside if the weather is nice enough, so I would appreciate your prayers for the weather, too.

youtube.com/watch?v=2OLHevJPHR8 (Watching Scotty Grow)

youtube.com/watch?v=G-f4HbLjraI (You will Always be a child in my eyes)

Thanks again to all for the great advice and (name removed by moderator)ut. I strongly believe you are one of the reasons things have going so well since I asked for the advice and prayers over a month or so ago.

youtube.com/watch?v=2OLHevJPHR8

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Brief Update:
The wedding is this weekend. Things are going very well since I last communicated. Thanks again for all your prayers.

We are looking forward to having a daughter-in-law. My wife found her niche in making the ring bearer pillow and another couple of handmade gifts for their home that our future daughter-in-law requested her to make for them. My wife is really good at that sort of thing and just wanted to be useful in some way and now she is, thanks to my future daughter-in-law.

My wife is still a bit nervous and a bit keyed up, but I think it is a normal and healthy nervousness for this stage of the preparations, if you know what I mean.

For me, I’ve been taking little breaks here and there to listen to a few oldies that reminded me of my relationship with my son over the years, like *‘Watching Scotty Grow’ *by Bobby Goldsboro and *‘You Will Always Be a Child in my Eyes’ *by Ray Boltz. I haven’t mentioned this to anyone else yet because they might think I’m being too corny or too sentimental for a man, but I love my son dearly and my mind wanders back to when he was growing up, which were some of the favorite years of my life with him. Now he is a good Christian man of 26 who loves God. I’m very proud of him.

On wedding day (Sunday afternoon), I’ll be a happy dad as I see them get married. Please pray for my son and his fiancé that they will have a strong marriage and will continue to put the Lord first in their life and their relationship as they have been doing.

Pray especially that they will go to the Lord in difficult times when the relationship hits a rough spot, which most marriages do at some point along the way.

Also, they are supposed to be married outside if the weather is nice enough, so I would appreciate your prayers for the weather, too.

youtube.com/watch?v=2OLHevJPHR8 (Watching Scotty Grow)

youtube.com/watch?v=G-f4HbLjraI (You will Always be a child in my eyes)

Thanks again to all for the great advice and (name removed by moderator)ut. I strongly believe you are one of the reasons things have going so well since I asked for the advice and prayers over a month or so ago.

youtube.com/watch?v=2OLHevJPHR8

What a great update!

I’ll have you know I already cry at the thought of my children’s weddings or ordinations. I’ll be a mess on those days! But it will be a happy mess.

 

[Tommy999]

Thanks very much, Hoosier Daddy. Something tells me you’ll do just fine when your time comes.

 

[Boy_Wonder]

Tell your wife to back out. It’s her daughter in law’s big day not your wife’s. Be gracious and stay in the background. Your wife’s conduct is way over the top. If she wants a good relationship with her son and daughter in law, she’ll need to learn to mind her own business.

 

[LightBound]

Tell your wife to back out. It’s her daughter in law’s big day not your wife’s. Be gracious and stay in the background. Your wife’s conduct is way over the top. If she wants a good relationship with her son and daughter in law, she’ll need to learn to mind her own business.

Oh my.

You might want to read the more recent replies on a post before responding next time. The OP chimed in several weeks ago to let us know how the visit went (all went well) and he replied a few days ago as the wedding was this weekend.

 

[rinnie]

Hello all,
Our youngest son is getting married in March. He is 25 and so is his fiancé. They both live in another city about 100 miles away. He has a good job and she is also employed, so they are financially and otherwise independent from us. They are both Christians and met at a Bible study at their church.

Issue causing concern:
My wife gets upset at times at being shut out of the wedding preparation plans for the most part, even though we are helping financially with some of it. We offered to help lower their financial burden and they accepted – no strings attached. Her family is more financially challenged than we are, according to our son, so we wanted to do that for them as a wedding gift.

I am not bothered by the lack of involvement because our son and his fiancé are both adults and they have the right to plan their wedding and reception as they see fit, as far as I am concerned. The way I see it, if they ask for my advice, I will give it to them. If not, I will keep quiet and stay out of it. However, my wife sees it differently. She sees how the wedding turns out to be a reflection on her, at least to a certain extent.

She considers certain things more important than they do. For example, she is big on having boutonnieres and corsages for the bridesmaids and groomsmen, where they weren’t planning on having them as a cost saving measure, except for her wedding bouquet.

Another thing was my wife asked our son’s fiancé if she could have her hair stylist double check my wife’s hair before the wedding and our son’s finance said her stylist would be focusing on her and her bridesmaids and mother and asked if my wife could find someone else to do her hair. That upset my wife a little. She felt slighted by that, but luckily my wife’s best friend has a niece who lives in that city who agreed to do my wife’s hair on the wedding day.

When our son calls us once or twice a week just to say hi and see how we are doing, my wife will often offer unsolicited advice to him, which sometimes prompts polite disagreements. Recent topics of discussion included seating arrangements for our relatives at the reception dinner and things that I consider to be so minor that i don’t even think about them. I plan on walking around and greeting people a lot during the reception so I truly don’t care where they seat me to start off with, but those kind of things matter more to my wife.

Do you have any advice on how to help my wife feel respected and honored although she can’t participate as much as she would like in my son’s wedding plans?

For me, this whole thing is starting to take some of the joy out of what is supposed to be a special and joyous time in our lives. I want our son and his future wife to look back on their wedding day as a time of joy and celebration, and not as a time of disagreement on how the wedding details should be handled. Any advice would be appreciated.

Tell her to get used to it and move on. No disrespect to your wife, but my Son also got married last oct, and she mind as well keep her advice to herself. Thats what I do, its safer that way.

He is doing his best by his polite disagreements, which is really myob. Sorry to be blunt but moms out wifes in, her family will come first so get used to it.

A Man will leave his Mother and Father and cling to his wife. I would not want it any other way. I love my Son and he loves me, I am content with our past we were very close, but now she is his future, I am good with it.

Tell you wife to put all her energies on your marriage now. Enjoy one another, thats what we do and I actually am loving it. Its our turn, all was our kids now that they are on their own we love it.

 

[rinnie]

Tell your wife to back out. It’s her daughter in law’s big day not your wife’s. Be gracious and stay in the background. Your wife’s conduct is way over the top. If she wants a good relationship with her son and daughter in law, she’ll need to learn to mind her own business.

I still agree with you and especially with the myob for future reference. I personally had a problem with how the Mother acted. This is not good, and if those small thing’s upset her she is in for a shock down the road.

 

[LightBound]

For all those commenting in the past few days who have missed the OP’s updates

February 5th forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=14452793&postcount=77

Last week forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=14539807&postcount=83

 

[Tommy999]

Thanks again to everyone for your prayers. The wedding went well. My wife was gracious and handled her part very nicely. .

It was an outdoor venue (84 degrees and sunny) so I felt a bit like a roasted penguin in my tuxedo, but other than that it worked out just fine. The reception was indoors where there was air conditioning.

During the wedding ceremony, my mind at times went back and forth from the present to when my son was a little boy. It brought tears of happiness to my eyes on how far he has come (and it reminded me of how much older I have gotten ). I am very proud of him. He is a good Christian young man.

At the reception, the bridesmaid (older sister of the bride) commented on how caring my son is and how much of a positive influence he has been on their family. That touched my heart and confirmed in my heart that we raised him up the right way.

The mother and son dance at the reception was another memorable and special moment. My wife handled it with grace – and so did my son. I fought back tears a little at that point.

Note:
My wife had her hair done by her best friend’s stylist who came to our hotel room to do the honors. As some of you remember, that had been a sticking point before but it all worked out.

There were a few hiccups at the reception (not quite enough chairs and space at the venue for all the guests to sit comfortably) but things got better when a few folks had to leave early. I think a few people came who didn’t RSVP.

Thanks again to everyone for the advice and prayers. You were a big help to me. The main thing is that the wedding went well. My last prayer request is that the couple turn to God in both good times and bad times because He is their source.

 

[Aggie414]

ETA: Disregard my post. If I had read to the end, I would have seen the wedding’s already occurred

I haven’t read all the replies but I’ve read enough to get the gist.

Maybe your wife could offer to host a wedding breakfast – for all the ladies as they’re getting ready for the day. Could be simple like pastries and fruit and mimosas.

Just a suggestion.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

Congratulations! God Bless your family.

 

[rinnie]

Thanks again to everyone for your prayers. The wedding went well. My wife was gracious and handled her part very nicely. .

It was an outdoor venue (84 degrees and sunny) so I felt a bit like a roasted penguin in my tuxedo, but other than that it worked out just fine. The reception was indoors where there was air conditioning.

During the wedding ceremony, my mind at times went back and forth from the present to when my son was a little boy. It brought tears of happiness to my eyes on how far he has come (and it reminded me of how much older I have gotten ). I am very proud of him. He is a good Christian young man.

At the reception, the bridesmaid (older sister of the bride) commented on how caring my son is and how much of a positive influence he has been on their family. That touched my heart and confirmed in my heart that we raised him up the right way.

The mother and son dance at the reception was another memorable and special moment. My wife handled it with grace – and so did my son. I fought back tears a little at that point.

Note:
My wife had her hair done by her best friend’s stylist who came to our hotel room to do the honors. As some of you remember, that had been a sticking point before but it all worked out.

There were a few hiccups at the reception (not quite enough chairs and space at the venue for all the guests to sit comfortably) but things got better when a few folks had to leave early. I think a few people came who didn’t RSVP.

Thanks again to everyone for the advice and prayers. You were a big help to me. The main thing is that the wedding went well. My last prayer request is that the couple turn to God in both good times and bad times because He is their source.

Amen to that. And pray for them also. We know how hard life and marriage in this world is WITH God, could not even imagine what it is like without.

One more piece of advice. At my Sons wedding we could only invite x amount of family. Well when you come from a huge family, my Dad had 13 bros and sis, my Mom 7. And they all had 3-6 kids on so on.

But my point is this, when I spoke to my cousin and could only invite a few cousins, etc. now they have kids, grandkids, I told my cousin, only her, and she understood, I said I am only a mother in law, and she told me this, This is what you need to tell your wife, and I will never forget this, She said remember you were a Daughter in law, and you know how you hated advice from your MIL. It is so true. So tell her to remember what it was like in the beginning. If she had a great MIL God bless her, and imitate her, If not, don’t be like her. On the other hand if you want to make her mad you know what to do. Just kidding!!

 

[Tommy999]

Amen to that. And pray for them also. We know how hard life and marriage in this world is WITH God, could not even imagine what it is like without.

One more piece of advice. At my Sons wedding we could only invite x amount of family. Well when you come from a huge family, my Dad had 13 bros and sis, my Mom 7. And they all had 3-6 kids on so on.

But my point is this, when I spoke to my cousin and could only invite a few cousins, etc. now they have kids, grandkids, I told my cousin, only her, and she understood, I said I am only a mother in law, and she told me this, This is what you need to tell your wife, and I will never forget this, She said remember you were a Daughter in law, and you know how you hated advice from your MIL. It is so true. So tell her to remember what it was like in the beginning. If she had a great MIL God bless her, and imitate her, If not, don’t be like her. On the other hand if you want to make her mad you know what to do. Just kidding!!

Thanks, Rinnie. I think you’re right – some extra relatives showed up that weren’t invited, especially on the bride’s side. That put the seating arrangements over the top for a bit.

As far as offering advice is concerned, I will remind my wife that my mother didn’t offer advice unless we asked her for it, and that I hope my wife does likewise. I might get some "feedback’ when I tell her this but that’s ok – I will say it gently and with love.

My wife has a good heart and loves my son and his new wife dearly and wants them to have a great marriage. I have a feeling things will work out for the best with God’s help.

 

[Tommy999]

What a blessing that things turned out wonderfully!

I know your wife was emotional, yet I know from many years of volunteering with the elderly that one of the most crushing feelings that a person can have is feeling that they have NOTHING to offer. People with ideas, talents, wisdom, creativity and personality literally spend months and years with no one asking them anything and it creates feelings of being useless.

Your wife may have felt that on a small scale, because she wasn’t asked anything she felt useless and it hurt. Once she was asked to contribute she felt like she mattered and things turned around! What a blessing! Thank you for sharing.

I think your observations are very insightful, Monicad. I think you are “spot on” in your analysis. My wife has all those things you mentioned: talents, wisdom, creativity, and an outgoing personality. Although she probably wouldn’t admit it, I think it was killing her inside to not have a role. Once she was allowed to have a role of the bride’s choosing, she ran with it and did it with gusto. The bride was pleased and so was my wife, although it was still an emotional day for her.

 

[Eliza10]

I just read this thread and truly enjoyed it. It was nice to hear how the wedding turned out and Tommy’s thoughts on it. I particularly like this:

…At the reception, the bridesmaid (older sister of the bride) commented on how caring my son is and how much of a positive influence he has been on their family. That touched my heart and confirmed in my heart that we raised him up the right way. …

I have the strong feeling that’s going to turn out to be a very good marriage. Because what a treasure your son has received growing up with the example of your loving consideration for your wife’s feelings. That inheritance will get this young couple very far, and as the years go by I am sure you will see more and more fruit of this.