Son is suspended from school

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I am just looking for information on how other parents would handle a situation… just for ideas and to see if I am handling this properly.

My son called me on Friday and told me that he was called to the principal’s office. He was suspended for 3 days because of some remarks made on the school bus to a girl. It was him and 2 other boys. Sexual harrasment.

How would you handle a suspension? Do you discipline on top of the school’s suspension?

He is a senior in high school He couldn’t go out on Friday I told him he had to stay home. I went ahead let him work on the weekend

We had a talk and he said that he didn’t say the worst stuf - the other boys were worse.(typical I know) and that he will not sit the those boys on the bus any more.

He does seem sincere. There was absolutely no back talk, didn’t raise his voice at all. He didn’t even make excuses for him self. He told me that he knows better and he’s sorry. Stayed in his room all Friday night and didn’t even try to bargain with me to go anywhere

On Sunday he left for church before I did so he could get to confession before mass. I know he went because I saw him come out.

I am pretty upset and his father is worthless so I can’t ask him (we are divorced)

I don’t want to go over the edge, but then I don’t want to be too easy either

This bus goes between 2 schools and he is not allowed to drive from school to school He has to ride the bus.
 
anytimequilter said:
I am just looking for information on how other parents would handle a situation… just for ideas and to see if I am handling this properly.

My son called me on Friday and told me that he was called to the principal’s office. He was suspended for 3 days because of some remarks made on the school bus to a girl. It was him and 2 other boys. Sexual harrasment.

How would you handle a suspension? Do you discipline on top of the school’s suspension?

He is a senior in high school He couldn’t go out on Friday I told him he had to stay home. I went ahead let him work on the weekend

We had a talk and he said that he didn’t say the worst stuf - the other boys were worse.(typical I know) and that he will not sit the those boys on the bus any more.

He does seem sincere. There was absolutely no back talk, didn’t raise his voice at all. He didn’t even make excuses for him self. He told me that he knows better and he’s sorry. Stayed in his room all Friday night and didn’t even try to bargain with me to go anywhere

On Sunday he left for church before I did so he could get to confession before mass. I know he went because I saw him come out.

I am pretty upset and his father is worthless so I can’t ask him (we are divorced)

I don’t want to go over the edge, but then I don’t want to be too easy either

This bus goes between 2 schools and he is not allowed to drive from school to school He has to ride the bus.
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I’d say let it go. He seems penitent, the line between “flirting” and harassment can be somewhat blurred, and if he’s working, he would seem to be a responsible young fellow. Chalk it up to experience and let him be. IMNAAHO.

ICXC NIKA
 
I’m not a parent, but it sounds like he knows what he did – whether directly or indirectly – was wrong and has taken full ownership of it. I think he’s learned a very valuable lesson that by associating with others who are doing wrong, will deflect back on to you whether you fully participated or not. Guilt by association, so to speak.

If this is truly an isolated incident, I would not do anything more than what you’ve stated. I would definitely have a sit-down, in depth conversation with him to ensure that this will not be repeated. But if all seems to be in order, I think the point’s been made!
 
Yeah. I think for a first offense in this it’d be a shame to overstate things that are obvious to him now. He’s done his repenting. And seemed sincere. So let it slide.

I mean we all mess up once in a while. Every now and then we need just that type of leniency. So that it doesn’t become a real thing with us. So it doesn’t get hung around our neck. So find something good that he’s done lately and talk that up a bit instead. Let this thing get a ways behind him.

Otherwise sounds like you have a pretty good guy there. Following your lead in things. Owning his wrongs. That’s good stuff. Character stuff. More than the slip-up should detract.

Peace.

-Trident
 
maybe you can also suggest that he apologize to the girl, if he hasn’t thought of that himself already.

I would say talk to her but she may not be open to that, he could write a letter or something

besides that, sounds like he’s handling it well
 
Thank you for your responses. I do appreciate it very much
maybe you can also suggest that he apologize to the girl
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I did think of this. As you said was not sure how she would take it. I might suggest he watch for an opening to apologize.
 
angell1 said:
maybe you can also suggest that he apologize to the girl, if he hasn’t thought of that himself already.

I would say talk to her but she may not be open to that, he could write a letter or something

besides that, sounds like he’s handling it well
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In some kind of way, he needs to apologize to the young lady. Since he has a job, maybe he can send some flowers and note? Otherwise, it sounds like lesson learned and in the future he will choose his friends more wisely.
 
Catholic1954 said:
In some kind of way, he needs to apologize to the young lady. Since he has a job, maybe he can send some flowers and note? Otherwise, it sounds like lesson learned and in the future he will choose his friends more wisely.
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I don’t think flowers and such would go over well. Such would possibly look like a romantic move and make her uncomfortable all over again.

As gentlemanly as it may seem to apologize, sometimes it is better to just let things go.

ICXC NIKA
 
Catholic1954 said:
In some kind of way, he needs to apologize to the young lady. Since he has a job, maybe he can send some flowers and note? Otherwise, it sounds like lesson learned and in the future he will choose his friends more wisely.
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No. In today’s environment where a girl simply not approving of the way a boy is looking at her can be considered sexual harassment, I wouldn’t have him sending anything which could be construed as stalking/harassment/continuing interest. And there is no objective standard for what is acceptable or unacceptable, it will be completely up to the girl in question.

An apology should be given simply, directly and in front of witnesses with no effort at any continued communication.

For the OP,

I would want to know exactly what was said, and why. I would want to know why he ‘went along with the crowd’ if he knew it was wrong. Was this back and forth with the girl that eventually crossed a line. If he himself knew that was a line, why did he continue? Part of being a man is living up to your own standards, being able to look yourself in the eye in the mirror. Who/what kind of man does he strive to be?

I don’t think you need to discipline on top of what the school has already done. But, you need to ask him to examine his own values, what his motives were. He does need to understand that his own opinion of himself is the most important-- because that is what will guide him when no one else is around; when others values come into conflict with his own. Again, he needs to decide what kind of a man he is.
 
Aggie414 said:
I’m not a parent, but it sounds like he knows what he did – whether directly or indirectly – was wrong and has taken full ownership of it. I think he’s learned a very valuable lesson that by associating with others who are doing wrong, will deflect back on to you whether you fully participated or not. Guilt by association, so to speak.

If this is truly an isolated incident, I would not do anything more than what you’ve stated. I would definitely have a sit-down, in depth conversation with him to ensure that this will not be repeated. But if all seems to be in order, I think the point’s been made!
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I agree. And I agree if if the opportunity comes by, to apologize to her for the incident. Nothing over the top, just a simple " I’m sorry".
 
styrgwillidar said:
I don’t think you need to discipline on top of what the school has already done. But, you need to ask him to examine his own values, what his motives were. He does need to understand that his own opinion of himself is the most important-- because that is what will guide him when no one else is around; when others values come into conflict with his own. Again, he needs to decide what kind of a man he is.
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Due credit should be given the boy though. He admitted it, knows it was wrong, didn’t make excuses for the behaviour, has made the decision not to sit with the other boys on the bus anymore, accepted the Friday night grounding without complaint, went to confession within days. That’s a pretty good kid for a senior in high school.
 
anytimequilter said:
I am just looking for information on how other parents would handle a situation… just for ideas and to see if I am handling this properly.

My son called me on Friday and told me that he was called to the principal’s office. He was suspended for 3 days because of some remarks made on the school bus to a girl. It was him and 2 other boys. Sexual harrasment.

How would you handle a suspension? Do you discipline on top of the school’s suspension?

He is a senior in high school He couldn’t go out on Friday I told him he had to stay home. I went ahead let him work on the weekend

We had a talk and he said that he didn’t say the worst stuf - the other boys were worse.(typical I know) and that he will not sit the those boys on the bus any more.

He does seem sincere. There was absolutely no back talk, didn’t raise his voice at all. He didn’t even make excuses for him self. He told me that he knows better and he’s sorry. Stayed in his room all Friday night and didn’t even try to bargain with me to go anywhere

On Sunday he left for church before I did so he could get to confession before mass. I know he went because I saw him come out.

I am pretty upset and his father is worthless so I can’t ask him (we are divorced)

I don’t want to go over the edge, but then I don’t want to be too easy either

This bus goes between 2 schools and he is not allowed to drive from school to school He has to ride the bus.
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How I’d handle a suspension depends on the reason for it.

Basic human respect is due others regardless of a person’s sex, but respect for a woman sometimes looks and sounds different than respect for a man would in the same situation. As a teenage boy, he’s still learning that. So your job is to guide him in the right direction. Sounds like that’s just what you’re doing. 👍

You may already have done or be doing this, but I’d suggest focusing a bit on what he should have done/said instead, and explain to him that he usually needs to speak to women differently than he speaks to his male friends.

I’ve found that some boys (and men) assume that women want to hear the same things from men that they think they’d like to hear women say about them. Some guys assume that talking to females is just like talking with their male friends + expressing attraction (when present)… but that combo can often come across as disrespectful, offensive, threatening, and/or hurtful to a girl (or a woman). ESPECIALLY if she is outnumbered 3 to 1, and even if she knows the guys are “nice guys.” Yet I’ve known many “nice” guys who just don’t understand that perspective, or don’t understand why she doesn’t just tell the guy(s) to back off or that she doesn’t like it (but IME, that can make the situation much worse very quickly).

Even when they do understand in theory, they may not do anything at the time; sometimes people don’t want to get involved, don’t think the guys are doing any real harm, or don’t want to appear “weak” to the guys by siding with the girl (and possibly being threatened themselves). But seeing it and just letting it happen is like encouraging or approving it as acceptable behavior.

It’s not always easy to stand up for someone else, rather than going along with the crowd (especially when our friends are part of that crowd). Still, there are plenty of unsung heroes out there who do stand up for others when needed, and with a loving and concerned mom like you, I’m hopeful that your son will be one of them, next time. 👍
 
I agree with the other posters.

Definitely have your son apologise to the girl, and talk to him about respect and self esteem issues. I wouldn’t be too hard on him as he’s sorry about it. I would also suggest you talk to him about peer pressure and tell him he should not always follow his friends, especially when he knows they are wrong.

Lou
 
styrgwillidar said:
For the OP,

I would want to know exactly what was said, and why. I would want to know why he ‘went along with the crowd’ if he knew it was wrong. Was this back and forth with the girl that eventually crossed a line. If he himself knew that was a line, why did he continue? Part of being a man is living up to your own standards, being able to look yourself in the eye in the mirror. Who/what kind of man does he strive to be?
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There just isn’t enough information for me to offer advice on whether further parental action needs to take place. Like others have said, it often doesn’t take much for a girl to accuse a boy of “sexual harassment” and the schools are going to be quick to punish the accused in these situations; however, it may be that his comments and participation was so grossly contrary to our understanding of treating others with dignity, I might find a few days suspension and one weekend of ground insufficient. Also, a lot depends on prior incidents.

In any case, it is a good sign that he seemed sincerely remorseful. Hopefully he was just hanging with the wrong guys and got caught up in the moment and has learned his lesson.
 
The only thing I would do is make sure the school hours during the suspension are put to good use. If he doesn’t need the entire time for school work, some sort of charity would be appropriate. I also agree that the flowers are a bad idea. If the girl was harassed, she doesn’t want flowers. She wants to be left alone. A note expressing apology and promising that it will never happen again is probably as far as I would go with it.
 
Approaching the girl to apologize could be misunderstood by her as an attempt to analyze, criticize, or intimidate. Such concerns could be allayed by arranging the meeting through a trusted teacher or school counselor, who would also serve as a witness.
 
:twocents:

Concur with most above.

I would say the safest (and perhaps *most character building *for him) way to apologize would be to involve a third party. Call and ask to speak to the girl’s father or mother:
Mr Smith, my name is John Jones, I ride the same bus as your daughter, Mary.
Are you aware that I recently behaved in an inexcusable manner toward your daughter? I have been disciplined by the school and by my parents, and I am resolved never to repeat such behavior. I repeat, I can offer no excuse for my actions, but I wish to extend my most sincere apologies to you and to her mother.
If Mary is willing to hear it, I would extend my personal apology to her.
If she would rather I never speak to her again, I understand and will consider that my loss.

:twocents:
tee
 
Sometimes, the best apology is to say nothing but change the behavior and quit doing it. I doubt given the situation your son will be in a situation to offer a sincere apology face to face

I think flowers are a bad idea. It is also an insult to think a material gift can make up for what he did
 
Beryllos said:
Approaching the girl to apologize could be misunderstood by her as an attempt to analyze, criticize, or intimidate. Such concerns could be allayed by arranging the meeting through a trusted teacher or school counselor, who would also serve as a witness.
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That sounds good.
 
angell1 said:
maybe you can also suggest that he apologize to the girl, if he hasn’t thought of that himself already.

I would say talk to her but she may not be open to that, he could write a letter or something

besides that, sounds like he’s handling it well
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Did he tell you what he or his friends said? Was it truly something you would be offended at if you were the victim?

The only thing I would add is to write (permanent record) a letter of apology to the girl saying that he made a mistake, got punished and received spiritual guidance ( not sure she is Catholic). I just gave a lecture on showing compassion to classmates, and one of the biggest things I learned is that active apologies to the hurt person go so much further than the kid doing the teasing getting in trouble. I say that because, whatever the degree of the remarks, they can have lasting impressions. Only the victim can decide that in this case.

Also, a role reservable (not with you but another buddy) may help. Then he sees how the remarks would make him feel. Finally, perhaps ask why he chose to participate. Was it peer pressure?

Good luck.
 
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