Son wants to be protestant

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Thank you all for your comments. I spoke to a Catholic counselor last week, and he says my son is, at this point, much like a two-year-old, saying no to everything. At least he is himself a Christian. I think he is on his way back to the Church and will get there eventually. Yesterday he wore a rosary to school with an extra large crucifix attached to it. That is not protestant!
 
theamari said:
Thank you for your thoughts on this, Joshua. I have told him that it is a mortal sin for him to miss Mass, and for him to worship in a non-Catholic church, and that it would be a mortal sin for me to cooperate in those sins. However, I cannot physically make him go to Mass. I do tell him that it is expected, and I could punish him for not going, but I’m not sure that would be helpful. He’s already incurring the worst punishment possible–the loss of grace in his soul. What more can I add to that?.
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Well, put simply, he either considers himself to be a free agent, which is the way your sun is currently acting, or a dependent of yours.

If he is your dependent, he recognizes your authority as a parent, and attends Mass, and makes every effort to be convinced of the truth you are offering, until such time as he is no longer dependent on you, and feels he can forge his own path.

If he is no longer a child, but a free agent, then you can leave him in the care of the state. He will continue to receive accommodation from the state until the age of 18, and will then be independent. If he decides he can again respect your authority, he can return to your home.

I’m not saying you ought to do this, only that it is something ‘more’ that you ‘could’ do.

Yes, it’s harsh. It will hurt, and may drive a wedge between you that you will both feel as a wound for the rest of your lives. But imagine the agony of your son in the flames of Hell, separated for all eternity from God’s mercy, God’s grace which flows to us through the Sacraments in His Church, outside of which, as Pope Eugene IV reminds us, no one can receive any grace, and you will realize that no sacrifice is too great.
 
DL82 said:
Well, put simply, he either considers himself to be a free agent, which is the way your sun is currently acting, or a dependent of yours.

If he is your dependent, he recognizes your authority as a parent, and attends Mass, and makes every effort to be convinced of the truth you are offering, until such time as he is no longer dependent on you, and feels he can forge his own path.

If he is no longer a child, but a free agent, then you can leave him in the care of the state. He will continue to receive accommodation from the state until the age of 18, and will then be independent. If he decides he can again respect your authority, he can return to your home.

I’m not saying you ought to do this, only that it is something ‘more’ that you ‘could’ do.

Yes, it’s harsh. It will hurt, and may drive a wedge between you that you will both feel as a wound for the rest of your lives. But imagine the agony of your son in the flames of Hell, separated for all eternity from God’s mercy, God’s grace which flows to us through the Sacraments in His Church, outside of which, as Pope Eugene IV reminds us, no one can receive any grace, and you will realize that no sacrifice is too great.
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Are you suggesting that we terminate our parental rights if he refuses to go to Mass? That is the only way the state would take over caring for him. Child Protective Services will remove a child if he is in danger of harm or if he is a serious danger to others in the home, but simply refusing to go to Mass does not qualify. We have an obligation to care for our child, imposed on us by God and by the state, so abandoning him is not something we can consider as an option, even if it would save his soul, which I don’t think it would.
 
theamari said:
Are you suggesting that we terminate our parental rights if he refuses to go to Mass? That is the only way the state would take over caring for him. Child Protective Services will remove a child if he is in danger of harm or if he is a serious danger to others in the home, but simply refusing to go to Mass does not qualify. We have an obligation to care for our child, imposed on us by God and by the state, so abandoning him is not something we can consider as an option, even if it would save his soul, which I don’t think it would.
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Indeed you do have an obligation to care for him. He can either accept that in its entirety or reject it in its entirety.

Let me put it differently - part of your obligation to care for your child is to provide him with food. If he was refusing food, you would do all you could to make him eat. If you had tried everything in your power and he wouldn’t, you would go to a hospital, and if he needed residential care, you would accept that. You wouldn’t continue to provide shelter and schooling and just ignore that your son wasn’t eating, and just hope it would go away.

If that is true of food, how much more of the spiritual nourishment of the Sacraments. In a holier time, I would have suggested a boarding school run by holy nuns or monks, but those are so hard to find these days, and the dominant world view stresses ‘choice’ rather than duty. So, if he believes your parental care is something he can choose, let him choose - the whole deal or nothing.

Note again, I am NOT saying this is what you should do. You merely asked what more was possible - there are always alternatives, that doesn’t mean they are good alternatives!
 
DL82 said:
Indeed you do have an obligation to care for him. He can either accept that in its entirety or reject it in its entirety.

Let me put it differently - part of your obligation to care for your child is to provide him with food. If he was refusing food, you would do all you could to make him eat. If you had tried everything in your power and he wouldn’t, you would go to a hospital, and if he needed residential care, you would accept that. You wouldn’t continue to provide shelter and schooling and just ignore that your son wasn’t eating, and just hope it would go away.
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I’m sorry, but I just have to disagree with you on the idea that you can force a child do anything he doesn’t want to do, and especially the idea that you can save his soul that way. My son has refused to eat because he didn’t like any of the food in the house. We didn’t make him eat. When he got hungry enough, he decided it wasn’t so bad after all.
 
John_of_Patmos said:
No. Don’t let him leave the Church.
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Why?

There are plenty of threads on this forum about people deciding to switch from Protestant to Catholic, and eveyone in those threads are very supportive.

Whats the difference?
 
Part of it too sounds like it’s about your particular family dynamics. In our house, going to Mass on Sunday was non-negotiable (thank You, God), however much anyone groused about it. I don’t think I’d let him blackmail you, ie, you’re “making him lose his faith” by not letting him go to a nondenominational church. You’re his parent and the one who will answer one day for how you instructed him. (Have you explained that to him?) Your house, your rules. I’d tell him he can go to whatever church he wants for the preaching, etc, as long as he fulfills his Sunday obligation by assisting in a Catholic Mass as well. In fact, if he does, you’ll almost certainly need to brush up on some apologetics to respond to the misinformation he’ll come home with. It could be a learning experience for you both.
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I would caution against this. We allowed our daughter to attend a non-denominational church as long as she still went to mass. She left the church & also left our house in a very bad way. It took months before we even talked again. Allowing them to go elsehere causes more confusion. I still pray that my daughter will one day return to the Catholic faith where she belongs.
 
Theamari,
From a Catholic perspective, God is pleased when your son attends Mass, and it doesn’t matter whether he attends willingly or under your compulsion. The belief that goodness must be willed is Protestant theology. Also, from a Catholic perspective, we are called to do the right thing regardless of projected outcomes. This seems to be the thinking error that many use to justify abortion or birth control, for example. Catholic morality is not practical. As modern people, we are drawn to practical solutions and outcomes. As Catholics, we should resist these tendencies, do the right thing regardless, and allow God to control the outcomes.
 
Have him listen to a priest that can realy speak to him. I have found a renewed faith like I could never imagine after being educated in the Catholic faith more through podcasts of all things - which have called me to seek God out in every possible place.

This priest is younger and can relate well with the youth but is also very traditional. This is an audio clip about what it means to be Catholic and maybe just have him listen to this or to any of the other podcasts on this site. They really are a gift from God for me, and I feel compelled to share them because they have really increased my faith and desire to really KNOW God.

frjohnriccardo.libsyn.com/webpage/why_be_catholic
frjohnriccardo.libsyn.com/webpage/rcia_for_catholics_session_1_why_be_catholic_
 
Explain the beauty of all the sacraments we receive as Catholics. How it’s the one true church God created. Everyone else just broke away because they couldn’t live up to the high morals of the Catholic church. There are so many more blessings and try to get him interested in a saint similar to his age…
theamari said:
My 15yo son has informed me that Catholicism doesn’t “do it” for him and he wants to worship in a protestant church instead. We went to a funeral in a non-denomenational church, and he really liked the preaching and singing. I suggested that we look for a more charismatic Catholic Mass, but he wasn’t interested. He says if I don’t allow him to worship in a protestant church, I’m making him lose his faith. What is my responsibility as a Catholic parent in a situation like this?
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So he’ll lose his faith if he doesn’t attend the Protestant services? That sounds a bit dramatic and far-fetched. I think he is testing boundaries.
 
While I don’t have any teenagers of my own, I will throw in my :twocents:. Feel free to take anything I say with a grain of salt.

Mass should be non-negotiable. While you cannot physically FORCE him to go to mass, privileges should be revoked if he doesn’t attend. Remove his video games, television, computer, toys, etc. When he complains, just say, “Well, since you’re so well off you can reject the Graces of God, and the teachings of His Church, you must be well enough off that you don’t need any of this stuff, either.” Make it clear that his ‘fun stuff’ is dependent on his attending mass. Once he starts driving, using a car should be as well. Let him rant, let him yell. When he accuses you of all sorts of terrible things, be firm, and just remind him, “It’s a mortal sin for you to deny the Church, and it’s a mortal sin for me to allow you to.”

See if you can get him involved in Catholic youth groups, especially allowing him to go to NCYC or any other chaperoned trips that your church or diocese might have. He will probably enjoy the freedom to be “out of your control” for a bit, and you can know he’s still in a safe environment. I did these in high school, after my conversion. I went to the 1999 and 2001 NCYCs, and various long weekend/week long mission trips that my arch diocese offered. I had a LOT of fun, and got to meet lots of other young Catholics who were secure in their faith. Sometimes, they can be better witnesses to teenagers, because they are seen as peers, who are ‘cool’ and still Catholic, instead of “Mean old Mom who makes me go to Church.”

I wish you the best of luck, and hope things work out for your family. You’ll be in my prayers.
 
“She left the church & also left our house in a very bad way. It took months before we even talked again.”

You attribute this to her attendance at nondenominational services? I realize I don’t know you and your family, but that doesn’t really sounds like the root of the problem, to be honest.
 
When I was 12-13, I left the Catholic Church for a Pentecostal community. My best friend’s mum had told me that the Catholic interpretation of the Bible was sinful, went through some passages with me, and I thought “hey, this makes more sense, I never got half the Catholic traditions anyway”. The next day she took me to a Pentecostal service and what really sold me was that everyone seemed to genuinely want to be there and be enjoying themselves. There seemed to be joy in that congregation that I hadn’t seen in a place of worship before (I have since, but this was before I knew of certain youth groups etc).

When my mother came back (long, long story) and found out I was Pentecostal, she was devastated because she had become very passionate about the Catholic faith. But no amount of forcing, discussing or coercing could convince me. I simply came back myself when I felt it was right.

My advice is to let your son know your thoughts, but not press the issue. It will serve to push him away, as it did me.
 
From talking to the many, many former Catholics, and the many more parents of children who left the church, it seems the elephant in the room is often the sex abuse scandal. I suggest you all watch the movie, “Doubt,” and have an open discussion afterwards. Personally, I feel that every Catholic youth group in America should watch this movie and have a serious discussion. Teens today are far more sophisticated than we give them credit for. It’s time we treat them that way.
 
theamari said:
My 15yo son has informed me that Catholicism doesn’t “do it” for him and he wants to worship in a protestant church instead.
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Proper worship, as Jesus intended it, is found in the Holy Eucharist. If the Eucharist doesn’t “do it” for him, then he has already left the Church in his heart. This is like saying while kneeling at the foot of the cross that the sacrifice of Christ just doesn’t “do it” for him. He has failed to discern the body and blood of the Lord.
theamari said:
We went to a funeral in a non-denomenational church, and he really liked the preaching and singing. I suggested that we look for a more charismatic Catholic Mass, but he wasn’t interested. He says if I don’t allow him to worship in a protestant church, I’m making him lose his faith. What is my responsibility as a Catholic parent in a situation like this?
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What describe here is not worship, since it does not contain the Eucharist. There is nothing wrong, in and of itself, of having prayer meetings or praise sessions or even Christian concerts, which is what a lot of such services become. They are not properly called “worship”.

You can’t “make him lose” what he has already lost. We must pray for him that he will return to the Body and Blood of the Lord.
 
Thank you all for your replies. I still don’t know the answer to my original question, but this is what we are doing for now: we do not allow him to attend a protestant church under any conditions, we continue to expect him to go to Mass, but don’t punish him if he refuses to go, we encourage him to do things with his Catholic friends, and offer to take him to youth group and to confession. I think I need to ask a good, holy priest for further advice, and I will do so as soon as I figure out which one to ask.
 
I thought this thread was closed. But going through and deleting old e-mails noticed it was still open. Not a frequent poster on this or any other site, I have thought about this thread on multiple occasions. And I have a few more comments:
  1. Not sure how find * a good, holy priest? This answer is easy and Biblical–“by their fruits.” If the Sacraments that he administers (I may not be using the technically correct terms here) are valid, then he will have obvious fruits. How many new priests have come from his parishes? Are people remaining married? Are families (not individually, but collectively) fruitful? Are young people active in the parish? And so forth. If not, then it is quite possible the sacraments are, for various reasons, invalid.
  2. I didn’t disclose this, but my wife and I have had similar struggles with our 17 year old son, but we have taken almost the exact opposite approach. We required him to get a conditional confirmation. We continue to require weekly Mass attendance. We have not forbidden other church attendance, though we have cautioned (frankly, his issue is more a lack of faith). We continue to require him to sit through nightly rosary (at least most nights). And, this is significant, several years ago we pulled him out of public school and required Catholic home schooling (by far, our biggest bone of contention). We continue to deal with his attitudes, but slowly things are getting better. From a purely secular point of view, requiring him to be conditionally Confirmed turned out to be a good thing and a turning point. Whether or not he agreed with us, he at least understood that we cared about him and his eternal salvation.
  3. Our former diocesan church a few blocks away is now a daycare center, and the lovely acres that it sat on are now a housing development. One of the local priests has abandoned his orders to become a truck driver. Sorry. Call me uncharitable if you like, but if these are the fruits of the modern church, then something is wrong with the tree. The original poster and I are dealing with much the same problem. Until just a few years ago, my children attended the same lackluster catechism and received the same sacraments his (or her) children did. My conclusion is just different. It seems to me that if the sacraments were valid, then most of the young men and women would become (after Confirmation) true soldiers of Christ. Some, of course, would go through a period of doubt and struggle, but most would eventually return once that indelible mark was placed on their souls. But that, it seems, is not the case. At least not usually.*
 
dad_o_six, from what I have posted here you don’t even know whether I’m a man or a woman, and yet you feel qualified to pass judgment on the Church my children and I attend as well as my parenting decisions. For your information, I am a woman, and I homeschooled this child, preparing him for all of the Sacraments myself, so you are calling my own teaching “lackluster”. I also didn’t mention that my son is adopted, and that he is of a different race from the rest of the family. These two factors are, I believe, the primary reasons he is struggling with being Catholic, since he would not have been Catholic if he had not been adopted. In the months since I last posted here, there has been a little progress. He has been attending Mass most Sundays, and youth group as well. I have great hope that with continued love and gentle nurturing he will get through this rough spot and return to full communion with the Church. As you mention, he has that indelible mark on his soul that will call him back.
 
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