Sons going to church?

[LJR]

I have two sons. 15 and 19. I am divorced, (annulled) and my ex-husband is not catholic and doesn’t attend church. My oldest son has recently been staying at his fathers house.
For the past week my son has been visiting me and my 15 year old. The problem is this. Their father was going to take off work an hour early today to come and pick them both up so he could spend Sunday with them and some of Sat. night. He works alot and doesn’t take time off.
He is very upset because my oldest son wanted to stay here an extra day, to be with his friends etc. My 15 year old also wants to stay here this evening and Sunday so he can be with his brother and some mutual friends.
I am glad for this because we can all go to church together as a family. I want my older son to go to a catholic church when he is with his dad, but he has no car and his father will not take him. (And I’m sure he doesn’t push for it anyway. He is going through some doubts etc.and I pray for him and his dad always). So at least this way he can go to church with us. When my younger son visits his dad, he misses church also.
I feel kind of bad for their dad. I think it hurt his feelings and he’s angry that they wanted to stay here. I’m happy because we can go to mass together. Do you think I should have made my sons go the their dads house? I feel bad and don’t know. I know that it is important and a sin to not go to mass on Sunday. But I also feel bad for their dad. Anyone have any answers? Thanks!

 

[1ke]

Your boys are old enough to decide whether or not they want to go to their dad’s house and when the want to go. No need for you to feel guilty. If they don’t want to go, then don’t push.

 

[otm]

You are treading in an area that is fraught with land mines.

He is their father. Not yours, theirs. They have a right to have a relationship with him as their father. Anything that is seen as interference with that right has a good chance at some point of coming back to the person who caused the interference in ways that are never pleasant, to put it mildly.

Too often in divorce cases, fathers end up with the extremely short end of the stick in terms of seeing their children, spending any meaningful time with them, and having any impact on them as a parent; the father is cast often into the role of someone franticly trying to please a child they see very little of, trying to have what minimal time alotted to them be as pleasant an experience as possible.

Too often the result is that the father withdraws, as the emotional pain (something that men are not particularly good at dealing with or articulating) beconmes too much the father ends up withdrawing emotionally from the child.

I can understand your sons’ dilema; they are becoming young adults, moving away from close emotional ties with their parents and establishing close ties with their friends. The net result is that both parents begin to feel that they have little or no real time with their children; and this is particularly the response of the non-custodial parent.

The parents, in particualar the custodial parent, then can be in a quandry; is it more important that the child spend time with his non-custodial parent on their weekend, or with his friends (which just happens to coincide with staying with the custodial parent). At this point, correctly or not, the non-custodial parent feels even more removed from the child, and often sees the custodial parent as “winning”, even though the issue may have been pushed by the child and not the parent.

A couple of things to keep in mind: you both chose each other, so you both have a responsibility for the situation as it is today; no matter who chose to get a divorce, you both had a hand in the marriage getting to the point of divorce; the children by and large have had a disfunctional family unit since the divorce, in that one of their parents has been mostly absent form their lives; kids often have little sense of justice in terms of time shared with either parent, and in particular the non-custodial parent in later teenage years; the issue of their attending church on a regular basis needed to be imprinted on them years ago, and they are now near-adults who will make their own decisions, right or wrong; and the non-custodial parent is probably aware of the issue of them attending church with you and not with him, and may well see that as part of the reason (or to him, the excuse) that they are not seeing him that weekend, and will blame you for further removal of the boys from his life.

In a word: there is no such thing as justice in a divorce; it is only a question of whose ox was gored the worst. All 4 of you have lost.

I sympathize with your desire to see the boys get to church, but you should have worked that out with Dad a long time ago.

My own personal opinion is that this is dad’s time, and you of all people should be enforcing it; your son will have the rest of his life with his friends, but this is his Dad’s weekend and life is tough. Further, by letting the younger one stay with you because his older brother wants to, or chooses to, only teaches him that he has little or no responsiblity to spend time with his dad, and any excuse is fine.

 

[LJR]

Dear OTM,
You are right. I know my boys are the ones that are suffering from my sin and I see that. I will live with that sorrow for the rest of my life. For whatever the reasons for the divorce, it is terrible for children. I really have to continue to pray for what I’ve done to the children. I am really, really trying to be a good parent. I just don’t want to make anymore mistakes.
The only thing I know to do right now is pray and try and teach the boys as best I can. I never put their father down and encourage them to see him. As a matter of fact, it would have been fine for them to go and see their father. I’m not competeing with him at all. I just wasn’t sure if by making them go to their dad’s house, it would be sinful because I am not teaching them the importance of going to church?
As far as we should have worked this out a long time ago…theirr father has the right to see him anytime he would like to. As a matter of fact…he will not pick them up from my house. I take them 1/2 way to make it easier for him because he lives an hour away. I have also for the past 7 years taken him all the way to his house several times.
Thank you for taking the time out to write your response. . I’ll take into consideration everything!

 

[otm]

LJR:

Dear OTM,
You are right. I know my boys are the ones that are suffering from my sin and I see that. I will live with that sorrow for the rest of my life. For whatever the reasons for the divorce, it is terrible for children. I really have to continue to pray for what I’ve done to the children. I am really, really trying to be a good parent. I just don’t want to make anymore mistakes.
The only thing I know to do right now is pray and try and teach the boys as best I can. I never put their father down and encourage them to see him. As a matter of fact, it would have been fine for them to go and see their father. I’m not competeing with him at all. I just wasn’t sure if by making them go to their dad’s house, it would be sinful because I am not teaching them the importance of going to church?
As far as we should have worked this out a long time ago…theirr father has the right to see him anytime he would like to. As a matter of fact…he will not pick them up from my house. I take them 1/2 way to make it easier for him because he lives an hour away. I have also for the past 7 years taken him all the way to his house several times.
Thank you for taking the time out to write your response. . I’ll take into consideration everything!

You would have no sin, if you have taught yur children well the need to go to church on Sunday. If there is any moral issue, it is one either for your children (they are of an age that they should be able to get themselves to church or find soemone to ride with) and/or your ex, if he is blocking it. While they are under his roof, you are not in control.

I am not suggesting that you would intentionally interfer with his rights of visitation. I do suggest, however, that he could eaily perceive that you were interfering were he to get the feeling even, that you were encouraging them to not go, or to see their friends, or said anything in reference to their going to church when with you and not when with him.

You are not failing to teach them the importance of going to church by making them go to their dad’s house. They have either figured out the importance from what you taught them long ago, or long ago you didn’t teach it clearly. That was then, this is now. They have both a duty to see their dad, and a duty to go to church and unless he is actively stopping them from going, the duty is then on them. Coupled with that is the mututal right of them to see their father and his right to see them, which as older teenagers they may not get. It needs reinforcement, but it does not mean that you encourage them to not go to church.

 

[dafalax]

I would say that not only do your sons have a right to time with their father, but you have an obligation to do everything in your power to foster a positive relationship between your sons and their dad. It sounds like you have done a great deal to make that happen, but you need to gently explain to your sons that family always comes before friends. They are young adults now and need to understand their responsibilities in participating in the family. Missing mass is terrible, but so is neglecting your basic duties to your family (them, not you).

 

[CarrieMG]

Your sons will choose to visit their father or not. It is their relationship and your ex needs to be concerned with his sons as people with activities of their own. I do agree that your sons should be encouraged to choose family over friends - the friends will come and go, but family will always be there. Perhaps in this particular situation, you could have taken your sons to Saturday evening Mass before they went with their dad?