Son's live-in girlfriend

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hamilte3

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So my son had to leave (he’s 19) since he wouldn’t obey even the most basic rules and his girlfriend could no longer come over due to drugs and alchohol in our house. Now he lives with her. Supposedly they are boyfriend/girlfreind and sleep separatly. He know how I feel about it but has choosen not to walk with the Lord as we taught him and calls himself an Athiest.

For the fourth, we are having over my mother-in-law who may have cancer and she wants to see her grandson for the first time in several years. My wife and her mother think if they invite the girlfreind, he’d be more likely to come. With her past but also with the fact that I do not support them living together, I have the delimmna of giving support to it by having her over. They also recently asked for money which I want to continue to refuse. Such as “rent” for them both keeps them living togather.

So as brothers and sisters and Christ, WWJD as they say? Can I in conscience invite the girlfriend over or am I supporting the whole thing? Should I open up my home for her to visit as well? If I invite my son, it seems whoever he wants to bring along may also be a rule of Christian hospitality. But she is not at the in-law level until they marry!

Finally, isn’t the financial aspect more conspiculously supportive? Or can I just keep it in my head that its just for substaining shelter for my son, or even him and those with him he lives with.

Any thoughts are greatly apprecieted. Pray that I make the right decisions! I don’t want to meet Jesus in the next life and he show my how responsible I was for my son and his girfriend loosing their souls or at least greatly suffering especially in spirit.

Sincerely,

Ed Hamilton
 
You don’t want to totally close the door to your son. If it’s a family get-together, I’d invite them…it’s not like he is going to think you suddenly approve of his living situation.

If they need food I would bag up some groceries and send them home with them. I would not give them money. If he asks why not financial help, simply tell him you can’t support his living arrangement in that way, tell him you love him, and change the subject.
 
Since you are trying to please your mother-in-law who has a desire to see her grandson, I would invite both your son and his girlfriend. Try to be as gentle and kind to this girl as you can. If she is on drugs and alcohol she has probably had a very rough upbringing. Something is very lacking in her life so offer her some kindness and respect. Your problem is your son, not her. Jesus always dined with people who desperately needed mercy so offer this girl some hospitality while expecting civil behavior from them. If they have drug problems I would not give them any money because it will be used for drugs/alcohol not the rent. The rent is their problem since they are choosing to live a lifestyle that you do not approve of.
 
hamilte3 said:
So my son had to leave (he’s 19) since he wouldn’t obey even the most basic rules and his girlfriend could no longer come over due to drugs and alchohol in our house. Now he lives with her. Supposedly they are boyfriend/girlfreind and sleep separatly. He know how I feel about it but has choosen not to walk with the Lord as we taught him and calls himself an Athiest.

For the fourth, we are having over my mother-in-law who may have cancer and she wants to see her grandson for the first time in several years. My wife and her mother think if they invite the girlfreind, he’d be more likely to come. With her past but also with the fact that I do not support them living together, I have the delimmna of giving support to it by having her over. They also recently asked for money which I want to continue to refuse. Such as “rent” for them both keeps them living togather.
…

Sincerely,

Ed Hamilton
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Since your mother in law has cancer, it is somewhat urgent that she see her grandson. I would hope that you son wouldn’t be so obstinate that he refuse his grandmother. While it is important to refuse general financial support, it would be ethical to offer to cover any travel expenses to see his grandmother.

It does not sound like much time has passed, so your son or his girlfriend likely hasn’t changed much in terms of maturity yet. As for inviting the girlfriend, it really depends on the exact circumstances that got her banished. If she were actively using drugs in your home, then that would be good reason to continue to refuse her. That is highly disrespectful and reckless. If the drugs were passively stored, then you might have some flexibility to allow her to stay strictly during the day.
 
Out of respect for your mother-in-law, go ahead and invite your son and girlfriend; if things get out of hand, you can always ask them to leave and at least Grandma would have had a chance to visit. Your son is over 18; you do not have any more responsibility to financially support him and I would not give him any money, rent or not. We all are responsible for our own choices; you have given your son all the information and tools he needs to make good ones, now you must step back and let him make mistakes, that is how he will learn and grow up.
 
Inviting your son and girlfriend over does not support his living arrangement. Going to their place with a housewarming gift is another story. Keeping the door open with love and hospitality is what you want to do if you ever hope to have a reconciliation and return for right living on the part of your son.
 
I like it when holy people have a pretty unamimous view! 🙂 Thanks for helping me see this a little better. I was afraid emotions were clouding my vision so I felt compelled to write.

God bless you all! I’m uplifted in spirit!

Sincerely,

Ed Hamilton
 
OP, I feel your pain,

Drugs and alcohol are absolutely terrible,

but you MUST love your son and his girlfriend unconditionally, no matter what sins they are guilty of.

This is a celebration of freedom, July 4th, and with freedom comes the freedom to do what’s hurtful to ourselves and our families,

I’d say invite them both over and do your best to show them the unconditional love of our Great God.

Look not on their sins but on their love for each other,

Pray for them and be an example to them of Godly Love.

Lord have mercy on the OP and her son and his girlfriend,

bless them all and bring them all to a knowledge of the Truth,

through Christ our Lord,

Amen
 
Dacinom said:
Exactly!

This is the advice I was given when I sought spiritual direction from my parish on the same situation. I could invite the couple to my home, and was told I should because it would be good for them to be around and exposed to loving Catholic family life.

Visiting them however, was another matter. Going to their home you will feel cornered into saying something like “nice bedroom” which will be awkward.

I would not financially support them. Prayers for you this is so hard I know.
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I was that couple. Or at least part of it. But drugs weren’t part of the deal. I guess alcohol was involved, but only a glass of wine now and then.

I moved in with my then boyfriend, now husband. We lived together for almost two years. We then married, but in a courthouse. It wasn’t until more than 10 years after our civil marriage that we were married in the church. Our school aged son was a reader for the ceremony. ( I still considered myself Catholic during that time. )

Something that would have pushed me even further away? Having my parents totally cutting me out of their lives would have done it. Instead they invited us to their house, a lot. And when they came to our house, they never went past the bathroom. My mom didn’t see our bedroom until my wedding day. (My husband and I have been married for over 20 years.)
 
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