Soon to be Married & Conflicted

[1ke]

somebody like this isn’t gonna change without a massive shock to their system

If they are immature, self centered, and want to change then yes they can. With time and help. But it’s not something that a significant other should take on as a project and not something that anyone should wait and hope for.

If they have an actual personality disorder, they aren’t going to change at all. Ever. Maybe with serious therapy.

 

[PetraG]

Sounds like the brother and the dad are whipped.

Not that it is gender-specific. If either spouse rules by fiat without taking anyone else’s thoughts and feelings into account, that is somewhere between inappropriate to controlling (depending on how much the “ruled” are not coerced but rather choose to abdicate responsibility to help make decisions).

 

[PetraG]

OP: Do not walk–run away from this proposed marriage.
If this were the fiance posing and posting about herself, I’d say break off the relationship, get help until you can let go of these inappropriate ways of acting in a relationship, and then start all over again with someone else. The original post has misery written all over it.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Sit down and speak to the Pastor who was doing your prep. Tell him all of the things that were hidden during the prep sessions.

 

[Paul71]

I’m engaged to be married, and my sister thinks that I am being emotionally abused by my fiance. The major things that have concerned her are 1) my fiance telling me that I should only talk to her about our issues (my fiance doesn’t want me talking to my family or a priest about anything between us).

To a large extent, I think that this is reasonable. I try very hard not to talk about problems in my marriage with my parents, siblings, other family members, or friends, because I don’t want them to have a negative view of my wife. I don’t think that would be fair to my wife, because my relatives would be hearing only one side of the story. I also don’t think it would be fair to my relatives to make them feel like they have to take sides between me and my wife.

However, I think there needs to be someone you can talk to about problems or concerns about your relationship or your marriage, and I would include your pastor or a counselor on that list.

1. When I tell my fiance that she hurts me, she says that my actions caused her to be mean to me.

This sounds like it could be verbal or emotional abuse (i.e., her abusing you). Now, that’s just my gut reaction based on one sentence, so take it with a grain of salt. There may be a lot more to the story than what you put here. But I believe that you and your fiancee each need to take responsibility for your own actions, and not play the blame game, as it sounds like she is doing from what you wrote here.

1. When I told my fiance I was upset that she wanted to use birth control pills instead of NFP, she said that I’ll never find anyone more Catholic than her. My fiance tells me that I’m lucky she puts up with me.

You probably are lucky that she puts up with you. But she is probably also lucky that you put up with her. None of us are perfect, and many of us are difficult to put up with in one way or another.

As far as birth control vs. NFP, this sounds like a major red flag. Did she ever agree to use NFP, or is she still planning to use birth control? If she agreed to NFP, did she have a change of heart, or did she agree grudgingly? NFP requires a level of commitment that she may not be likely to give, if her heart isn’t really in it.

Also, I don’t like the term “more Catholic than,” but if she means that you’ll never find someone who is willing to use NFP or who is willing to be open to life, I don’t agree. There are probably some single women on this very forum who are looking for marriage, and who are committed to the Church’s teaching on NFP and openness to life.

(to be continued…)

 

[Paul71]

1. My fiance told me, “I wish you were more like my brother and my dad, they do whatever my mom and I tell them to do.” She also believes that wives should be in charge of their husbands.

This does not sound at all like a healthy view of marriage. And the phrase “I wish you were more like…” is another huge red flag for me.

I know that I make mistakes, but I’m not really sure what I do that makes her unhappy. She has not expressed anything specific to me other than she thinks I’m controlling, but I never tell her what to do, I have just voiced my opinion on occasion. I’m just really confused. I try to treat her with respect, make compromises, do nice things for her, try to pray with her, try to do what she prefers.

I would strongly suggest getting these issues sorted out before you get married. If you are truly committed to marrying her, then make an appointment for you and your fiancee to talk with a good Catholic counselor, to try to clear up your (very understandable) confusion on these issues.

Is this abuse? Are my actions really what make her act poorly?
My sister says that everyone is responsible for their own actions, is that true?

Some of your fiancee’s behavior sounds like it could be mildly (or perhaps not so mildly) abusive. If she acts poorly, that is not your fault, at least not entirely. And yes, everyone is responsible for their own actions. Of course there can be extenuating circumstances. For example, it is harder to behave well when you are under great stress than when you aren’t. But ultimately you and she are each responsible for your own actions.

Out of curiousity, does she ever apologize to you if she has done something wrong? If not, that would be another red flag for me.

In conclusion, I share your sister’s concerns, just based on what you have written. I would advise you to proceed with an abundance of caution.

 

[heidi_storage]

The OP reported that he’s called off the engagement.

 

[Paul71]

Broke off the engagement, seeking counseling. Thank you for your responses. Will pray for you all - please pray that I may stay strong, as 90% of our friends believe my fiance deserves a second chance. Pray for her healing and conversion.

Based on the information you have presented in this thread, I think you have probably made a wise and prudent choice, though probably not an easy one. I will pray for you. And remember that 90% of your friends aren’t potentially signing up to spend the rest of their lives with her. You are not obligated to follow their advice.

 

[Naeb]

Stay strong!! It will be hard right now, but in awhile you will start to feel much much better like a cloud was lifted from your life. God has a plan for you and marriage, and He helped you avoid a potentially devastating experience. Prayers are with you

 

[Ardent_Fire]

Anyone who would not let me discuss my marriage with a priest or wanted to force me to be in a situation on the pill would have been deal breakers and I would not have married them. Her inability to acknowledge your hurt and her belief that she should be the one in charge is also toxic. I believe your sister is right.

Don’t be swayed by the popular opinion of friends, they do not know the entirety of what goes on between you. Do what is right. If I were in your shoes, I would not marry her.

 

[Legend]

Amen. Plus, both the OP, and his former fiancee seem too immature to marry. I pray they grow up enough to be ready. Hopefully, not with each other!