Sources/suggestions for dealing with elderly parent issues

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Larry1700

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I am an “only son” (no siblings), so all the tough decisions will rest on me (I guess). So, I am searching for sources or suggestions about how to deal with various issues related to parents who are less mobile, and losing their mental capacities.

Unfortunately, this came abruptly, starting in October 2014. My mother was prescribed 100mg Metoprolol, which seems to have slowed her heart rate down way too much. That’s the first time I noticed the mental changes. Prior to that, we went out to eat with her weekly, and she seemed okay. However, the day I was called to her house, she could barely make complete sentences, and had her medications all mixed up in the bottles, and scattered all over the table. After she was taken off the Metoprolol, she improved dramatically, but I have noticed that she repeats herself frequently and her short-term memory is very diminished.

My father was admitted into rehab this week to help him regain his walking strength/confidence, and his abilities to perform routine activities. He is virtually deaf. Up until recently he would have my mother go get him water, etc. Just prior to admittance into rehab he went to the ER, and was found to have very low blood pressure, and it seems that he was not eating/drinking sufficiently.

They currently have someone (a friend) who often helps do cleaning, grocery shopping, etc., whom they pay her $30 - $45 per day, depending on activities.

I am seeking guidance on where to turn to make intelligent decisions about their care, finances, etc. Mom has a long-term care plan with Genworth, which (I think) currently provides 4 years of care, at rate of $145/day. We have not started using that yet.

If there is already a thread on this topic, I’d love to be directed to that. If not, maybe this will start one, because if I’m confused about all these new issues, I’m sure others are, as well.
 
Contact the Senior Services part of your local Catholic Charities, they will be able to help you. Your parents may be ready for some kind of assisted living, check and see if the long term care policy will cover or help cover it. The reversal of the parent/child roles late in life can be overwhelming, you also might want to make an appointment with a priest for a talk, if things get to be too much.
 
Local county health and human services may be able to help.

I can also recommend Annalee Kruger and her company Care Right www.carerightinc.com, that she started just for people such as you, overwhelmed and needing to make decisions.
 
Catholic1954 said:
Contact the Senior Services part of your local Catholic Charities, they will be able to help you. Your parents may be ready for some kind of assisted living, check and see if the long term care policy will cover or help cover it. The reversal of the parent/child roles late in life can be overwhelming, you also might want to make an appointment with a priest for a talk, if things get to be too much.
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My parents aren’t Catholic, but I expect it won’t make much difference about the advice they would offer.

Thank you! Good idea!
 
1ke said:
Local county health and human services may be able to help.

I can also recommend Annalee Kruger and her company Care Right www.carerightinc.com, that she started just for people such as you, overwhelmed and needing to make decisions.
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Thank you for the suggestion. However, I am initially looking for unbiased advice. Maybe she offers that, but I looked at the website, and it appears they’re selling a service.
 
I worked for a non-profit senior care program that offered assisted living amenities but delivered in the senior’s own home or apartment. It’s less stressful to an elderly person if they can stay in their own home. My own parents lived in an apartment complex geared toward the elderly. This included wider doorways to accommodate wheelchairs or walkers. Bathrooms had walk-in showers that would fit shower chairs. I also recommend Catholic Social Services if you are fortunate to have them in your area. My dad was able to receive physical therapy in his home instead of being cooped up in a rehab clinic. Becareful with medications. My mom was over prescribed meds and we believed hastened her death. That fear drove my dad to question everything he took. Working with his doctor, he managed to eliminate all but three pills. That was a lot easier for him to manage.

I have two siblings, my sister was able to help with my dad’s care in his last days, but also an aunt and uncle, cousins and friends of my parents. Even if someone is just there to supervise, while you get respite, its another pair of eyes and hands and a loving heart.
 
Larry1700 said:
Thank you for the suggestion. However, I am initially looking for unbiased advice. Maybe she offers that, but I looked at the website, and it appears they’re selling a service.
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Yes, of course. She has to make a living. She makes a living helping people in your situation.

If you can find such a service for free, then great.

But, I have not found governmental agencies to be responsive if you can even get in to see them. And in many cases, they will only work with the senior themselves, not family members.

I have no connection to the site I recommended, other than knowing the business’s excellent reputation for helping those in need of elder care guidance.
 
Larry - I am in the same situation except I now actually live in my parent’s home. Neither is so bad they need care 24/7 but they tend to get pretty confused at times. I have siblings, two that live near but of all of us I am the only one retired and able to be here full time.

I don’t know how things will shake out as they get older and less able. This wasn’t my plan for retirement but I guess God had a different idea. I know I will need resources when the time comes.
 
Casilda said:
I worked for a non-profit senior care program that offered assisted living amenities but delivered in the senior’s own home or apartment. It’s less stressful to an elderly person if they can stay in their own home. My own parents lived in an apartment complex geared toward the elderly. This included wider doorways to accommodate wheelchairs or walkers. Bathrooms had walk-in showers that would fit shower chairs. I also recommend Catholic Social Services if you are fortunate to have them in your area. My dad was able to receive physical therapy in his home instead of being cooped up in a rehab clinic. Becareful with medications. My mom was over prescribed meds and we believed hastened her death. That fear drove my dad to question everything he took. Working with his doctor, he managed to eliminate all but three pills. That was a lot easier for him to manage.

I have two siblings, my sister was able to help with my dad’s care in his last days, but also an aunt and uncle, cousins and friends of my parents. Even if someone is just there to supervise, while you get respite, its another pair of eyes and hands and a loving heart.
Click to expand...
Perhaps you could shed some light on how to find and screen caregivers, and what a nominal hourly/daily rate is? Currently, my mother pays someone recommended by a friend. I am unclear about exactly what her hourly rate is, but it seems to be something like $15/hr. (Mom writes $30 checks to her most of the time, and when I asked her about a $127.50 check, Mom said “Oh, I think that was when she stayed all day.”
 
Horton said:
Larry - I am in the same situation except I now actually live in my parent’s home. Neither is so bad they need care 24/7 but they tend to get pretty confused at times. I have siblings, two that live near but of all of us I am the only one retired and able to be here full time.

I don’t know how things will shake out as they get older and less able. This wasn’t my plan for retirement but I guess God had a different idea. I know I will need resources when the time comes.
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I’m married, and I work full-time, so unfortunately that’s not an option for me.
 
1ke said:
Yes, of course. She has to make a living. She makes a living helping people in your situation.

If you can find such a service for free, then great.

But, I have not found governmental agencies to be responsive if you can even get in to see them. And in many cases, they will only work with the senior themselves, not family members.

I have no connection to the site I recommended, other than knowing the business’s excellent reputation for helping those in need of elder care guidance.
Click to expand...
I certainly don’t begrudge her for making money. Sorry if I gave that impression. I will certainly keep her in mind. Thanks again for the recommendation.
 
Are either or both of your parents veterans of the Armed Services?

I was able to get help for my Dad during the last years of his life through the Veterans Administration.
 
As a paralegal in the estate planning/ elder law field I strongly suggest talking to an Elder Law Attorney about any legal documents your parents may need to get. If you wait too long, they may no longer have the mental capacity to sign any legal documents.

I’ve seen many cases (2 just this week in fact) where people thought that their existing Power of Attorney would let them do everything they might need to do to take care of their parents but it was missing some critical language that would have allowed them to transfer assets, change beneficiaries or setup trusts in ways that would really help them once they end up in full nursing care.
 
Larry1700 said:
Perhaps you could shed some light on how to find and screen caregivers, and what a nominal hourly/daily rate is? Currently, my mother pays someone recommended by a friend. I am unclear about exactly what her hourly rate is, but it seems to be something like $15/hr. (Mom writes $30 checks to her most of the time, and when I asked her about a $127.50 check, Mom said “Oh, I think that was when she stayed all day.”
Click to expand...
Though this is not the agency I worked for, visiting angels.com is similar. The agency I worked for paid me directly, not the client. I was trained as a nurses aide and received further training to assist the elderly. At the time I made just over minimum wage since I had no nurses degree. $15 an hour sounds excessive. Look into home health care agencies and see if any work on a sliding scale.
 
ejlo1 said:
As a paralegal in the estate planning/ elder law field I strongly suggest talking to an Elder Law Attorney about any legal documents your parents may need to get. If you wait too long, they may no longer have the mental capacity to sign any legal documents.

I’ve seen many cases (2 just this week in fact) where people thought that their existing Power of Attorney would let them do everything they might need to do to take care of their parents but it was missing some critical language that would have allowed them to transfer assets, change beneficiaries or setup trusts in ways that would really help them once they end up in full nursing care.
Click to expand...
Yes, and be aware about Medicaid “lookback” policies in your state if you think there’s any chance, no matter how slim, that your parents will exhaust their regular resources - transferring property and so on can be affected by how many years have passed and the time the elderly person(s) need(s) to be on Medicaid.
 
LSK said:
Are either or both of your parents veterans of the Armed Services?

I was able to get help for my Dad during the last years of his life through the Veterans Administration.
Click to expand...
Yes, my father was in the Marines. Very interesting suggestion! I will strongly consider that option Thanks!
 
ejlo1 said:
As a paralegal in the estate planning/ elder law field I strongly suggest talking to an Elder Law Attorney about any legal documents your parents may need to get. If you wait too long, they may no longer have the mental capacity to sign any legal documents.

I’ve seen many cases (2 just this week in fact) where people thought that their existing Power of Attorney would let them do everything they might need to do to take care of their parents but it was missing some critical language that would have allowed them to transfer assets, change beneficiaries or setup trusts in ways that would really help them once they end up in full nursing care.
Click to expand...
What’s the best way to find one?
 
3DOCTORS said:
Yes, and be aware about Medicaid “lookback” policies in your state if you think there’s any chance, no matter how slim, that your parents will exhaust their regular resources - transferring property and so on can be affected by how many years have passed and the time the elderly person(s) need(s) to be on Medicaid.
Click to expand...
Yes, this is one of my big concerns. I don’t exactly know how to bring up the topic with my mother. I don’t know how to discuss it without sounding like I’m after their hard-earned money.

Perhaps the Elder Law Attorney suggested previously would be a first step.
 
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