Speaking ill of people

[SaintNobody]

I am often conflicted by this point.

I know we should talk about another person’s faults unnecessarily, especially when when one person hasn’t met the person at fault yet.

But sometimes, I just want to vent how I feel, especially to my mother or husband, about things that go on. Like “X did this to me”, or “the problem with Y is that he does this and this, but really should be doing this.”

A more concrete example: I like to vent to my mother about my mother-in-law. It makes me feel better. My mother-in-law asks a lot of nosy questions. My mother-in-law can be so picky and such a butt-in-ski.

Is it a sin to to make myself feel better and tell my mother what my mother-in-law did?

Or another example: Sometimes I tell my husband about things I think acquaintances in common did wrong (and my husband doesn’t know this).

I find it difficult because I just want to talk about how I feel. But I feel like if I say anything negative about anyone (save in the most necessary of circumstances) it feels like a sin.

What say you?

 

[acadian]

I asked a question similar to this to my confessor one day. His answer was to the effect that it depends on intent. If your primary intent is “detraction”, then it is sinful. He went on to say that sometimes this call is difficult to make, but if we are aware, we sometimes get better at making the distinction “on the fly”. Furthermore, he noted, that sometimes - especially in a work environment - it IS necessary to discuss negative thing about someone, especially if it affects work performance or is job-related.

 

[emily47017]

sometimes it’s useful to experiment with these things. what happens if you swear off “venting” for a week or a month? how does it make you feel? when you go back to venting, how does that make you feel? if you can approach it from a position of curiosity rather than self-judgment, you might have a better chance of finding the insights you’re looking for.

i don’t know anything about you or your family, but the fact that you’re venting to your mother about your mother-in-law made my ears perk up. what’s behind that, do you think?

 

[goofyjim]

I adhere to the principle if you can’t say something nice say nothing at all.

 

[zinkcasino]

I have a real problem with this too. I’ve tried to keep my “venting” down to just my close sister, but sometimes it’s hard, especially at work. One method I’m trying to work on is keeping the remarks more impersonal. Like at work, I try to keep comments down to job performance, not personalities. And I also try to say a quick prayer for the other person or myself, and that usually calms me down.

 

[kim3260]

You can use the “letter to nobody system”, You just write down EVERYTHING that gets you angry about a situation and/or a person then re-read it, finally let it go and you should feel better. Make sure you destroy the letter when done
When you talk to another about a certain person it not only hurt the person you are talking about but also the person who must hear this and possibly feel the need to choose sides.

 

[DanteAlighieri]

I find it difficult because I just want to talk about how I feel. But I feel like if I say anything negative about anyone (save in the most necessary of circumstances) it feels like a sin.

What say you?

Are you sure it’s the act of saying it that makes you feel better? It would appear that having someone affirm your feelings or give you emotional support is what does the trick. In any case, here’s the Catechism:

2479 Detraction and calumny destroy the reputation and honor of one’s neighbor. Honor is the social witness given to human dignity, and everyone enjoys a natural right to the honor of his name and reputation and to respect. Thus, detraction and calumny offend against the virtues of justice and charity.

So, the question is, are you committing the sins of detraction or calumny? Providing that you’re speaking truthfully, you’re not guilty of calmuny. How about detraction?

2477 Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury.278 He becomes guilty…of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;

The key is objectively valid reason. Is your perceived need to vent greater than the other person’s need for his good name?

I’m inclined to agree with your assessment that it seems sinful (even though it’s hard to read your post with this log in my eye). Even if it’s not sinful, though, think about this: there is grace in suffering in silence. The next time someone does something about which you would normally vent, offer your suffering to Christ for the benefit of that person.

Peace,
Dante

 

[SaintNobody]

I find it tough not to vent about my mother-in-law especially. If I vent to my husband, at least he knows there’s a problem. So I’m not revealing a side of her that he doesn’t know. Of course then there’s the issue of “you know what she did to me?”

Like sometimes my MIL will phone me and ask me the same question 3 times, but with different phrases to get me to say more. And it’s just a lot of mind games. SHE doesn’t think it’s mind games, but I have to figure out what she’s thinking in order to answer the question so that we don’t reveal too much, because if we reveal too much, she’d ask MORE questions, and on and on, and she’d give me a bunch of advice, and talk behind MY back and on and on.

That’s the kind of thing I tell my mother and my husband. With my husband, it’s not so bad because a lot of what she asks kind of involves both of us-- the house, the kids, his job so it’s sort of his business. What I reveal to my mother it’s mostly “gratuitous”-- by that I mean she doesn’t need to know. She’s not “involved”.But it can be “gratuitous” with my husband, too. It happens that my MIL says and does things in private that I don’t HAVE to reveal to my husband, but I get so frustrated, it’s a sense of “she did that to me again!!!”.

My mother-in-law is my biggest “target”. But I do that about others, too.

I feel I need to vent because I feel so powerless about my MIL. She’s just one of those women who does things her way, and understands things her way, and that’s that. I just want to feel better.

Sometimes I have to tell my husband because she has a pattern of behaviour that WE have to protect ourselves against. So if she repeats the pattern, e.g., nosy behaviour, it’s good for both of us to know so we can know what to say or do.

I wouldn’t want to vent to a perfect stranger (like I’m doing now…aaah) about my MIL because she’s overall an okay person, and I wouldn’t want people to come away with the impression that she’s ONLY like that. So I can see how I wouldn’t do that to a stranger. But I keep it mostly to my husband and mother. My mother doesn’t know my MIL WELL, but she knows about her.

 

[DanteAlighieri]

I think it’s perfectly acceptable for you and your husband to discuss your mother-in-law, because she is someone you both have in common. As long as your discussions don’t tend toward “bashing” her, I’d think you’re ok there.

As far as it being “tough” not to vent, that’s where the grace is. Offer it up to Christ for the benefit of your MIL…love her and forgive her.

Easier said than done, I know, but love is all about sacrifice.

Peace,
Dante

 

[emily47017]

I feel I need to vent because I feel so powerless about my MIL.

ah, perhaps you would enjoy *the dance of anger *by harriet lerner. that’s the very thing she addresses in her book, as well as how to dismantle the push/pull/triangulate pattern you’ve got going there. i love that book! i found it really helpful during the times my mom and i weren’t getting along.

 

[Ruthie]

Ah, you make me thank God for my MIL. Our relationship is one of friendship, and being alike in loving her son! Of course, it probably helps that I knew her for several years before I met my DH!

A suggestion: Think up something respectful to say when she asks you these nosy questions, but something that still says “MYOB.”

Here’s an example. She asks, “Is my grandson still wetting his bed?” You respond, “Did I tell you that he can already do simple addition? He’s so bright! He must have gotten his talent from math from your son.”

If she persists in asking, keep repeating the pattern. (Like, “Oh, and he knows his ABCs, too!”) Which means keeping your mind full of positive things - not a bad idea in itself!

The point is that you do not answer the nosy question at all, even if Junior has quit wetting the bed.

Set yourself a limit, like 4: if she asks a fourth time, say, “I’ve gotta go, nice talking to you Mom!”

Keep it up. It’ll take a while for it to sink in.

Don’t thank me; thank the therapist who had me do something similar to “train” my mother not to gripe to me about my sister.

Your sister in Christ,
Ruthie
Tiber swim team '06

 

[gradstud35]

I’m not saying this is what I ALWAYS do but this is what I try to do. It is a spiritual exercise I try to practice when I find myself thinking ill of people or talking bad about people.
1.) I try to find something positive to say or think about that person. Everyone is made in the imagine of Christ so they do have some good qualities even if they are hidden to you. 2.) If I can’t find anything I try to pray for that person. Sometimes I’m brutally honest. I just say, Okay God “you know I only half-heartedely mean this but you told us to prayer for our enemies and even though this person isn’t truly an enemy I don’t really like them much right now so please bless them or help them with whatever spiritual, emotional or physical problems they are having.” Sometimes it is very hard to say a prayer like that. But I find over time I find myself disliking that person less and less and understanding them more. I still have a hard time putting up with their irritable personality traits but somehow God grants me the grace to put up with it.

 

[nikkoo]

I am often conflicted by this point.

I know we should talk about another person’s faults unnecessarily, especially when when one person hasn’t met the person at fault yet.

But sometimes, I just want to vent how I feel, especially to my mother or husband, about things that go on. Like “X did this to me”, or “the problem with Y is that he does this and this, but really should be doing this.”

A more concrete example: I like to vent to my mother about my mother-in-law. It makes me feel better. My mother-in-law asks a lot of nosy questions. My mother-in-law can be so picky and such a butt-in-ski.

Is it a sin to to make myself feel better and tell my mother what my mother-in-law did?

Or another example: Sometimes I tell my husband about things I think acquaintances in common did wrong (and my husband doesn’t know this).

I find it difficult because I just want to talk about how I feel. But I feel like if I say anything negative about anyone (save in the most necessary of circumstances) it feels like a sin.

What say you?

Hi!
I think we need to be very careful about what we say about other people, especially if it’s done in a spirit of anger and resentment. Jesus admonishes us against this kind of thing in the Gospel of Matthew 5:22
17 But I say to you, whoever is angry 18 with his brother will be liable to judgment, and whoever says to his brother, ‘Raqa,’ will be answerable to the Sanhedrin, and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ will be liable to fiery Gehenna.
23
Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you,
24
leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
25
Settle with your opponent quickly while on the way to court with him. Otherwise your opponent will hand you over to the judge, and the judge will hand you over to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison.
26
Amen, I say to you, you will not be released until you have paid the last penny.
I hope this helps

 

[CLMargaret]

I’ve been to confession to 2 different priests on this exact subject.

Both had told me that a person needs to vent. You need to have someone as a sounding board. I have felt extremely guilty after venting about certain people, usually people that I love. I seem to complain about my MIL or my mother. My conscience told me I shouldn’t be airing my complaints, but the priests have told me it’s ok, we need to do that once in a while. I tend to be a little on the scrupulous side, so I have to trust the advice given to me by my priests.

 

[nikkoo]

I’ve been to confession to 2 different priests on this exact subject.

Both had told me that a person needs to vent. You need to have someone as a sounding board. I have felt extremely guilty after venting about certain people, usually people that I love. I seem to complain about my MIL or my mother. My conscience told me I shouldn’t be airing my complaints, but the priests have told me it’s ok, we need to do that once in a while. I tend to be a little on the scrupulous side, so I have to trust the advice given to me by my priests.

Hi again Margaret:

I think it all depends on what our intentions are when we talk about other people. It sounds to me like you need to talk to someone about these people to sort out your feelings in order to deal with them and your own feelings toward them more effectively in the future. I don’t think that’s the same thing as running people down or making fun of people behind their back. So, I don’t think what you’re doing here is sinful, unless of course you are doing it to make fun of them in some way and make yourself feel better in the process. See the difference? It all depends on what your intention is and whether what you’re doing is damaging their good name/reputation in the process. For instance, saying something like this to one of your good friends on the phone: " You’ll never going to believe what my MIL said or did to me today…" is more in the gossip category than the therapeutic category, at least in my humble opinion. When we gossip about others , we, in effect, murder their good name/reputation.Anyway, I hope this helps.
PS: Another good way to deal with people who are hard to get along with is to really pray for these people; I’ve personally found it to do wonders in terms of having empathy for them and seeing things from their perspective, which will also be an enormous benefit in the way you experience these people in the future. Who knows, they may just see a difference in you and respond in a more respectful manner? Ask God , over and over, to give you the patience in dealing with these people, it’s a virtue God wants to give us.

 

[nikkoo]

I am often conflicted by this point.

I know we should talk about another person’s faults unnecessarily, especially when when one person hasn’t met the person at fault yet.

But sometimes, I just want to vent how I feel, especially to my mother or husband, about things that go on. Like “X did this to me”, or “the problem with Y is that he does this and this, but really should be doing this.”

A more concrete example: I like to vent to my mother about my mother-in-law. It makes me feel better. My mother-in-law asks a lot of nosy questions. My mother-in-law can be so picky and such a butt-in-ski.

Is it a sin to to make myself feel better and tell my mother what my mother-in-law did?

Or another example: Sometimes I tell my husband about things I think acquaintances in common did wrong (and my husband doesn’t know this).

I find it difficult because I just want to talk about how I feel. But I feel like if I say anything negative about anyone (save in the most necessary of circumstances) it feels like a sin.

What say you?

Hi again!
If we leave someone with a false impression about the character of another by always running them down/ pointing out their flaws (even though we know deep down these people aren’t as bad as we’re making them out to be) that constitutes a mortal sin (baring false witness against our neighbor), since we do it knowingly and it’s one of the 10 commandments(grave matter) not to do such a thing. So again , we need to be fully aware of precisely what we’re doing and why we’re doing it, when we talk about other people behind their back. In fact, I would suggest that whenever we do such a thing we are treading on dangerous ground. Jesus will hold us accountable for everything we say and he calls us to a righteousness that exceeds that of the scribes and the pharisees. Fortunately, as Catholics we can meet Jesus in the Eucharist, prayer, and confession. The power of Jesus is still present on this earth in the Holy Spirit, who will change our minds and hearts, if only we’ll let him, by having the faith in him that Jesus so often said was so necessary. In this context it may feel like a sin because it is a sin, and not merely scruples.