Speaking of choosing Godparents

[Schieffelin]

This is similar, but with a slight twist, to the other thread going on about family members as Godparents. That topic made me want to solicit advice about my own situation without hijacking the other thread. So here goes…

DH and I are hoping God blesses us with children soon. I already anticipate having problems with very hurt feelings in his family when it comes time to choose Godparents. His family is Hispanic and they are very culturally Catholic, but they don’t have a deep understanding or commitment to their faith.

The definitely believe in God, semi-frequently go to mass, and make a big deal out of occasions like baptisms. But by and large they aren’t living out Church teaching in their daily lives. I want my kids’ Godparents to be an example of orthodox and devout Catholics.

So how the heck do we respond when questions and hurt feelings arise when we don’t choose his family members as Godparents? I don’t feel there is any charitable or productive way to essentially say “sorry, you’re just not quite Catholic enough for us”

 

[Leegal]

This is similar, but with a slight twist, to the other thread going on about family members as Godparents. That topic made me want to solicit advice about my own situation without hijacking the other thread. So here goes…

DH and I are hoping God blesses us with children soon. I already anticipate having problems with very hurt feelings in his family when it comes time to choose Godparents. His family is Hispanic and they are very culturally Catholic, but they don’t have a deep understanding or commitment to their faith.

The definitely believe in God, semi-frequently go to mass, and make a big deal out of occasions like baptisms. But by and large they aren’t living out Church teaching in their daily lives. I want my kids’ Godparents to be an example of orthodox and devout Catholics.

So how the heck do we respond when questions and hurt feelings arise when we don’t choose his family members as Godparents? I don’t feel there is any charitable or productive way to essentially say “sorry, you’re just not quite Catholic enough for us”

Chose one Godparent from each family. This way you have the one Godparent you want and the one who shows that “lack” you see may actually be helped by the experience and begin to take things more seriously. Of course, you will have to be discerning in the one you choose. I would not choose one who is living in sin unmarried, but surely you can find one who has “possibilities.”

In fact, the best choice might be one of the younger of your husband’s family members who have not had as much opportunity to stray as much – a much younger sister, cousin, niece or nephew rather than some aunt or uncle who has more opportunity to lose their way. This way it appears that you and your husband are honoring each side of the family equally. JMHO.

God Bless.

 

[Schieffelin]

Chose one Godparent from each family. This way you have the one Godparent you want and the one who shows that “lack” you see may actually be helped by the experience and begin to take things more seriously. Of course, you will have to be discerning in the one you choose. I would not choose one who is living in sin unmarried, but surely you can find one who has “possibilities.”

In fact, the best choice might be one of the younger of your husband’s family members who have not had as much opportunity to stray as much – a much younger sister, cousin, niece or nephew rather than some aunt or uncle who has more opportunity to lose their way. This way it appears that you and your husband are honoring each side of the family equally. JMHO.

God Bless.

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut, Leegal. Your idea has potential, and I’m going to think it over.
Unfortunately, it’s his most immediate family members (mom and sister) who are most likely to be hurt, but who are also least Catholic in their behaviors. His mom doesn’t currently have a live-in boyfriend but I know she wouldn’t hesitate to have one again in the future. And partially because of the mom’s example, her daughter (H’s little sister) has a baby with her boyfriend and is practically living with the boyfriend.

He does have some cousins and aunts/uncles who have more potential as options. I’ll have to think over whether having one of them would make things better or worse as far as family tension goes.

 

[PatriceA]

Is there a way you can approach the situation from a different angle? Make a list of the people you know that would be good candidates for godparents. Your OP lists everybody that would be a bad pick, but you didn’t mention anybody you know that fits what you want either. There are going to be hurt family members no matter what you do, you’re just going to have to accept that. But look at it also from the angle of whom is a good candidate and what is your relationship with those people? It is going to make the situation worse if you pick other friends and family to be the godparents just becuase they aren’t your husband’s immediate family. It may help the situation if you pick the godparents you eventually decide on as if your husband’s family isn’t even interested. I guess what I’m saying is pick the people to be your child’s godparents because they are the best choice, despite the situation as it exists with your inlaws. Don’t pick the godparents just because they aren’t your inlaws and you had no other choice.

 

[maryjk]

So how the heck do we respond when questions and hurt feelings arise when we don’t choose his family members as Godparents? I don’t feel there is any charitable or productive way to essentially say “sorry, you’re just not quite Catholic enough for us”

Our beautiful child already has a wonderful grandmother/aunt/cousin in you. By naming “fill in the blank” I was able to add to their wonder family.

Just a twist on the you aren’t losing a son, but gaining a daughter.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

So how the heck do we respond when questions and hurt feelings arise when we don’t choose his family members as Godparents? I don’t feel there is any charitable or productive way to essentially say “sorry, you’re just not quite Catholic enough for us”

Well, first off, you are right that there will be hurt feelings, but are you sure they will talk to you about it? When we chose Godparents for our kids, it is possible that dh’s siblings were hurt that we didn’t choose them - because up until that time, choosing a sibling was the pattern. But no one said a word about it too us, so we didn’t have to respond. Hopefully, we showed them that we loved them for being family, and just kept that detail out of it. Granted, these family members come from very non-emotive cultures, and my understanding is that the Hispanic culture is very different - so “pretend you’re not offended and don’t say a word about it” may not be the approach your family members take.

If you are questioned about WHY you chose the Godparents you chose, you might give a statement like this: “Since the role of the Godparents is to help teach the faith to the child, we felt it was important to choose people who practice their faith most similarly to the way WE practice our faith.” If that is not enough you can continue with: “This family is so important to us, and as the aunt/uncle/___ you will always be immensely special to our children. I know that they will love you dearly, as we do. But we see the Godparent role as something different - we didn’t choose it based on who we love the most, or who will love our children the most, but who would provide the same type of religious instruction to our kids that we would if we couldn’t do it.” And then, you have to just let them deal with it. Feelings still might be hurt, because it is such an entrenched tradition to choose Godparents to show honor, rather than to seek spiritual support. But if show them that they are still important and that you love them, and if you make a point not to insult them in your explanation, you will have done all you can. They’ll get used to it, and if you end up having more children, it will be less difficult the second time around. Eventually, they’ll just accept that “that’s just what you do.”

 

[Schieffelin]

Is there a way you can approach the situation from a different angle? Make a list of the people you know that would be good candidates for godparents. Your OP lists everybody that would be a bad pick, but you didn’t mention anybody you know that fits what you want either. There are going to be hurt family members no matter what you do, you’re just going to have to accept that. But look at it also from the angle of whom is a good candidate and what is your relationship with those people? It is going to make the situation worse if you pick other friends and family to be the godparents just becuase they aren’t your husband’s immediate family. It may help the situation if you pick the godparents you eventually decide on as if your husband’s family isn’t even interested. I guess what I’m saying is pick the people to be your child’s godparents because they are the best choice, despite the situation as it exists with your inlaws. Don’t pick the godparents just because they aren’t your inlaws and you had no other choice.

Well ultimately that might be the right choice. I just hope it’s not, because then we’re going to hurt his family. You see I have plenty of people in mind who would make good godparents. But they are my friends and my family. DH doesn’t have any one on “his” side who fits the bill because he only started taking his faith seriously after he met me.

 

[Schieffelin]

Our beautiful child already has a wonderful grandmother/aunt/cousin in you. By naming “fill in the blank” I was able to add to their wonder family.

Just a twist on the you aren’t losing a son, but gaining a daughter.

That’s a nice idea. I had thought about this angle a bit before. The problem is that I will then (in the name of not being a hypocrite) be forced to also exclude my own family members. I would hate to exclude my sister especially. She’s a devout Catholic and I’m one of her kids godparents, so it would stink to have to leave her out.

 

[Schieffelin]

Well, first off, you are right that there will be hurt feelings, but are you sure they will talk to you about it? When we chose Godparents for our kids, it is possible that dh’s siblings were hurt that we didn’t choose them - because up until that time, choosing a sibling was the pattern. But no one said a word about it too us, so we didn’t have to respond. Hopefully, we showed them that we loved them for being family, and just kept that detail out of it. Granted, these family members come from very non-emotive cultures, and my understanding is that the Hispanic culture is very different - so “pretend you’re not offended and don’t say a word about it” may not be the approach your family members take.

If you are questioned about WHY you chose the Godparents you chose, you might give a statement like this: “Since the role of the Godparents is to help teach the faith to the child, we felt it was important to choose people who practice their faith most similarly to the way WE practice our faith.” If that is not enough you can continue with: “This family is so important to us, and as the aunt/uncle/___ you will always be immensely special to our children. I know that they will love you dearly, as we do. But we see the Godparent role as something different - we didn’t choose it based on who we love the most, or who will love our children the most, but who would provide the same type of religious instruction to our kids that we would if we couldn’t do it.” And then, you have to just let them deal with it. Feelings still might be hurt, because it is such an entrenched tradition to choose Godparents to show honor, rather than to seek spiritual support. But if show them that they are still important and that you love them, and if you make a point not to insult them in your explanation, you will have done all you can. They’ll get used to it, and if you end up having more children, it will be less difficult the second time around. Eventually, they’ll just accept that “that’s just what you do.”

Yeah, I’m quite confident that the hurt will come out in one form or another. Probably as passive-aggressive comments from his MIL. Even if no one said anything explicitly, it would still damage the relationship under the surface and I would much rather address it in the open.

Anyway, this may be one of those cases where we just have to do it the hard way, and accept that there will be hurt feelings. It’s going to be hard on my DH too. Family is everything in their culture.

Maybe I’ll just start praying extra hard that his family starts practicing their faith before we have kids