Specific Inerfaith Marriage Questions (all the help I can get!!!!)

[sunshineforever]

First off I would like the opinions of both Protestants and Catholics (or anything in between)

I am newly engaged to a non-practicing Catholic and I didn’t think there would be any issues regarding our religious differences (I am Protestant) until last night and I’m very stuck on this issue. I do plan on talking to my fiance about it, however I wanted to take some time to think, pray and hear opinions of both Catholics and Protestants.

Here is the situation… My fiance is Catholic but he doesn’t go to church, he already has a daughter who has been first communioned, etc… I was raised Southern Baptist, I no longer go to church or call myself Baptist, however I still consider myself Protestant and don’t plan on converting anytime soon. Neither of us are devout in our faiths or go to church on a regular basis however we both have strong views on our future children’s upbringings. As a Catholic he wants our children to not necessarily be raised Catholic, yet he wants them to be christened, communioned and all that jazz. I want my children to be raised Protestant and I am STRONGLY against a child being baptized at such a young age, I believe that a child cannot be given to God, but the child must ask God to enter his/her heart for themselves. I told my fiance that the children I birth will not be baptized without their own consent at an appropriate age and he told me “Well, then I guess Molly (his daughter from a previous marriage) will be my last child.” I am very concerned about this, it hurt me that he would say that and I’m not sure this interfaith relationship can work itself out…

So here are my questions:

1. I’d like to make some sort of compromise so it doesn’t end our relationship since I believe this man is the love of my life. Perhaps I allow them to be christened and communioned if he allows me to raise them fully Protestant? If not please give other compromises that might be better for us both.
2. My fiance is VERY stubborn and he may refuse to raise them anything other than Catholic… If he declines my compromise should I leave him and move on with my life, stay and let him raise our children Catholic, choose to not have children or should I just cross that bridge once I get to it?

Thank you so much and God bless you all!

P.S. Sorry about the long post but I felt I needed to lay out the entire situation in order to get proper opinions.

 

[Todd520]

So here are my questions:

1. I’d like to make some sort of compromise so it doesn’t end our relationship since I believe this man is the love of my life. Perhaps I allow them to be christened and communioned if he allows me to raise them fully Protestant? If not please give other compromises that might be better for us both.
2. My fiance is VERY stubborn and he may refuse to raise them anything other than Catholic… If he declines my compromise should I leave him and move on with my life, stay and let him raise our children Catholic, choose to not have children or should I just cross that bridge once I get to it?
   .

I think both of you should agree to become active Catholics or active Protestants - it is much better than taking a passive approach to two seperate faiths.
Studies seem to show that families are better off when the parents share a common faith AND are active in it.

 

[sunshineforever]

I think both of you should agree to become active Catholics or active Protestants - it is much better than taking a passive approach to two seperate faiths.
Studies seem to show that families are better off when the parents share a common faith AND are active in it.

Unfortunately I don’t think that is at all possible… There is no way that I would convert to Catholisism and I highly doubt he would become Protestant. I am more devout in my faith however he is an Irish Catholic, therefore even if his last time in a church was his first communion and has never even opened a Bible he would defend his Catholic beliefs to his death. So much that he has told me that when someone he knows asks me what religion I am I should answer “I was raised Catholic” and nothing else.

 

[Todd520]

Unfortunately I don’t think that is at all possible… There is no way that I would convert to Catholisism and I highly doubt he would become Protestant. I am more devout in my faith however he is an Irish Catholic, therefore even if his last time in a church was his first communion and has never even opened a Bible he would defend his Catholic beliefs to his death. So much that he has told me that when someone he knows asks me what religion I am I should answer “I was raised Catholic” and nothing else.

Well, I would have some serious discussions with him about it, maybe even with a Catholic Priest. Although he may be stubborn, I’m sure he wants to make the marriage successful - with that as the goal, you may be suprised at what he or you will do.

 

[JRKH]

You say that you want to work out a compromise. Bad idea.
What is needed is not compromise, but consensus. There is a big difference.
With compromises each one “gives in” which may "keep the peace’ but in the long run does nothing to help bring you two closer together.
Consensus on the other hand can only be reached if both parties are willing to discuss these matters until a “meeting of the minds” is reached. In marriage this is the best and the only workable solution.

I think it is admirable that you both feel the children should be raised in as Christians, but I’m afraid that neither one of you is prepared to do what is required since neither of you practice your faiths.
Regardless of what you “do” (baptism, communion, confirmation, confession etc) the example they will have is parents who talk a good game but don’t “walk the talk”.
Catholics are required to attend mass weekly - “But daddy doesn’t…” and so forth.
Secondly - it is impossible to have the children taught Catholicism in order to receive first confession and First Holy communion and then to raise them “fully Protestant”.

These are serious issues that need to be worked through - not “compromised on”. If they cannot be worked through, better to know now and avoid the divorce later.

One other thing, you say your fiance has a daughter from a previous marriage. Has that previous marriage been annulled? If not then your fiance is not even free to marry in the Church.

Peace
James

 

[mary_bobo]

As a Catholic married to a protestant, this does not sound like a happy beginning to me. You say your husband is not a practicing Catholic, but he is a Catholic nevertheless, and the fact that he wants his children raised in the Catholic Church should be a clue to you.

I don’t know what part of the country you are from, but I have found that Baptists in the South have the most bizzare ideas about the Catholic Church and perhaps some of this is what you have learned. I think it would be a good idea to put a hold on this marriage until both of you can research your religious beliefs and see if/where they might meet somewhere in the middle. If not, the new will wear off and then you will be left with a problem of significant proportions and neither one of you will be happy. JMO.

 

[Publisher]

Friend, I know of several interfaith marriages that have worked out quite well. But it will take some “deep listening” to one another…and candidness softened with compassion to work out your differences.

Marriage should be entered into with joy…not trepidation.

I will hold you in the Light.

 

[nhylan]

At the risk of getting completely blown out of the water I would ask if you’ve considered Anglicanism?

 

[RSD]

With regards to the specific plan of raising the children to not practice any faith, but having them “christened and communioned” in the Catholic Church: These sacraments (baptism and communion, whether first communion, or thousandth) have a real meaning, and a real affect on a person’s soul. Any parish that allowed the children to be admitted to the sacraments of initiation, without any plan to follow through and allow the children the full access to a maturing relationship with their mother the Church, that parish would not be acting properly. In fact your husband’s view of the sacraments, while correctly recognizing the value of these sacraments, does not show a correct understanding of the place of the sacraments of initiation in a person’s life. It would be of value to both of you, and to your future hypothetical children, for you each to clarify for yourselves, and each other, why it is you do and do not want the access to the sacraments in the ways that you have laid down.

The short answer is that there is no “Catholic” answer to the problem of a non-practicing Catholic who wants to marry a non-practicing Protestant, and have the children of that marriage have some very limited access to the sacraments of the Church. The true Catholic answer (and it is good to understand here that “Catholic” is not just the name of a church, it means “universal”) is for both of you to learn enough to understand and appreciate the enormous, overwhelming gifts of grace that God gives through the Catholic Church, and be guided entirely by the laws and practices of the Church. The Catholic church is not primarily a way to get together with nice people who think more or less alike- it is simply God’s way of telling us how He wants us to live. And remember- He made us, so the way He wants us to live is literally the way we were meant to live.

I hope that soon I will be able to welcome you and your fiance as new siblings in Christ, through the Catholic church.

 

[sunshineforever]

You say that you want to work out a compromise. Bad idea.
What is needed is not compromise, but consensus. There is a big difference.
With compromises each one “gives in” which may "keep the peace’ but in the long run does nothing to help bring you two closer together.
Consensus on the other hand can only be reached if both parties are willing to discuss these matters until a “meeting of the minds” is reached. In marriage this is the best and the only workable solution.

I think it is admirable that you both feel the children should be raised in as Christians, but I’m afraid that neither one of you is prepared to do what is required since neither of you practice your faiths.
Regardless of what you “do” (baptism, communion, confirmation, confession etc) the example they will have is parents who talk a good game but don’t “walk the talk”.
Catholics are required to attend mass weekly - “But daddy doesn’t…” and so forth.
Secondly - it is impossible to have the children taught Catholicism in order to receive first confession and First Holy communion and then to raise them “fully Protestant”.

These are serious issues that need to be worked through - not “compromised on”. If they cannot be worked through, better to know now and avoid the divorce later.

One other thing, you say your fiance has a daughter from a previous marriage. Has that previous marriage been annulled? If not then your fiance is not even free to marry in the Church.

Peace
James

When I say I am not devout I mean I do not attend church, however I don’t go to church because I feel churches today have forgotten who God is. I may not be as close to God as I would like to be however I think my relationship with God is better than most people that are “Sunday Christians” And once I’ve begun to have children I’m sure the Lord will guide my steps in raising them.
My fiance and I do need to reach a consensus, which is why I posted this, so I could get some opinions before we discuss it and it doesn’t lead to a fight or our separation.
And yes, his previous marriage has been annulled…that brings me to another point, I don’t want to married in a Catholic church, by a priest or even in a protestant church. I would rather be married by a Protestant pastor, however the wedding won’t be for a while and we haven’t discussed it yet.

 

[sunshineforever]

As a Catholic married to a protestant, this does not sound like a happy beginning to me. You say your husband is not a practicing Catholic, but he is a Catholic nevertheless, and the fact that he wants his children raised in the Catholic Church should be a clue to you.

I don’t know what part of the country you are from, but I have found that Baptists in the South have the most bizzare ideas about the Catholic Church and perhaps some of this is what you have learned. I think it would be a good idea to put a hold on this marriage until both of you can research your religious beliefs and see if/where they might meet somewhere in the middle. If not, the new will wear off and then you will be left with a problem of significant proportions and neither one of you will be happy. JMO.

I live in south Florida (doesn’t constitute as the south in my mind… lol) and the marriage won’t be for another 3-4 years so we have time to work it out. However he currently lives in Ireland and I’d like to get this settles before one of us relocates. I love him deeply but we both may be too hard headed to agree on rearing our children, so I’d like to know asap to avoid moving costs, a divorce or a broken home.

 

[4Squarebaby]

When I say I am not devout I mean I do not attend church, however I don’t go to church because I feel churches today have forgotten who God is. I may not be as close to God as I would like to be however I think my relationship with God is better than most people that are “Sunday Christians” And once I’ve begun to have children I’m sure the Lord will guide my steps in raising them.
My fiance and I do need to reach a consensus, which is why I posted this, so I could get some opinions before we discuss it and it doesn’t lead to a fight or our separation.
And yes, his previous marriage has been annulled…that brings me to another point, I don’t want to married in a Catholic church, by a priest or even in a protestant church.** I would rather be married by a Protestant pastor**, however the wedding won’t be for a while and we haven’t discussed it yet.

Why, you don’t have a pastor or home church community? What is the difference to you? in his defense he has a requirement for proper form which he must meet for a wedding or do his best to see its done as in the baptism of children,. Presumably he believes and you don’t that should the worst thing happen to any children with out that baptism the consequences are grave. Should the child come to your belief he/she will most likely choose later in life to go through a believer’s baptism anyway

 

[sunshineforever]

At the risk of getting completely blown out of the water I would ask if you’ve considered Anglicanism?

I don’t know much about Anglicanism however I wouldn’t completely disregard a denomination based on ignorance. I will have to research it more and see. (I am currently non-denominational, don’t see the need for a denomination, however if it meant that my children will grow up in a religiously harmonious household I would be happy with that)

 

[sunshineforever]

Why, you don’t have a pastor or home church community? What is the difference to you? in his defense he has a requirement for proper form which he must meet for a wedding or do his best to see its done as in the baptism of children,. Presumably he believes and you don’t that should the worst thing happen to any children with out that baptism the consequences are grave. Should the child come to your belief he/she will most likely choose later in life to go through a believer’s baptism anyway

Well what bothers me is he is willing to disown any children I give birth to if I refuse their infant baptism (I believe that a child is protected by God until the age of accountability and therefore shouldn’t be baptized without his or her consent) yet he never even went for his final communion I think it is (excuse my lack of terminology, I’ve studied Catholicism briefly but once I decided against it I discontinued my studies)
He wasn’t married in the Church from his first marriage and hasn’t been to a church since his daughter’s christening

 

[Danuska]

I am catholic so sorry for the bias I cannot give you an objective opinion.
Even if you raise your children Catholic, there will come a point when they will have to make the decision for themselves. That is one issue. Being a mother you will have a lot of influence on their religious upbringing. If they find you more on fire than your husband, sooner or later they will want to follow you.
Second, why don’t you look at one issue that you should have in common. If your fiance was devout Catholic, and you a devout Baptist, you would be madly in love with Jesus. And if that were the case, you would ask him for guidance. If you want to build your relationship on anything, build it on Him! He’ll take care of the rest.

You can also research why the Catholic Church accepts the baptism of children. As the Bible says - the promise (of the Holy Spirit) is for you and for your children! Scott Hahn does a good job on comparing baptism to initiation rite that meant to replace circumcision. Oh well, but that is apologetics, I am going too far, sorry for that.

 

[nhylan]

I don’t know much about Anglicanism however I wouldn’t completely disregard a denomination based on ignorance. I will have to research it more and see. (I am currently non-denominational, don’t see the need for a denomination, however if it meant that my children will grow up in a religiously harmonious household I would be happy with that)

i would suggest doing some research about it on here and elsewhere. Some people here are very critical of it but largely Anglicanism views itself as sort of between Catholicism and Protestantism.

 

[SonCatcher]

Unfortunately I don’t think that is at all possible… There is no way that I would convert to Catholisism and I highly doubt he would become Protestant. I am more devout in my faith however he is an Irish Catholic, therefore even if his last time in a church was his first communion and has never even opened a Bible he would defend his Catholic beliefs to his death. So much that he has told me that when someone he knows asks me what religion I am I should answer “I was raised Catholic” and nothing else.

Then you both should seriously reconsider your plans for marriage. It is more than the emotions you are dealing with right now. You are going to have to live with each other for the rest of your lives. Since you are expressing doubts about your ability to agree on how to raise your children (a MAJOR factor in marriage), there are serious concerns over whether you should marry him.

I don’t know much about Anglicanism however I wouldn’t completely disregard a denomination based on ignorance. I will have to research it more and see. (I am currently non-denominational, don’t see the need for a denomination, however if it meant that my children will grow up in a religiously harmonious household I would be happy with that)

You just said above you would “never” become Catholic and now you claim to be open minded. (I assure you that your dismissal of Catholicism is based on ignorance.) Which is it?

For the record, I happen to be the product of a “mixed marriage” that had a decidedly happier start than the one you are projecting.

 

[nhylan]

Then you both should seriously reconsider your plans for marriage. It is more than the emotions you are dealing with right now. You are going to have to live with each other for the rest of your lives. Since you are expressing doubts about your ability to agree on how to raise your children (a MAJOR factor in marriage), there are serious concerns over whether you should marry him.

You just said above you would “never” become Catholic and now you claim to be open minded. (I assure you that your dismissal of Catholicism is based on ignorance.) Which is it?

For the record, I happen to be the product of a “mixed marriage” that had a decidedly happier start than the one you are projecting.

A really great way to change hearts is to inform that that they are ignorant and to infer that their marriage is going to fail… awesome.

 

[sunshineforever]

i would suggest doing some research about it on here and elsewhere. Some people here are very critical of it but largely Anglicanism views itself as sort of between Catholicism and Protestantism.

well before I go out and buy 5 books on the subject tell me this, what role do saints play in Anglicanism? My BIGGEST turnoff to the Catholic faith is their view of saint, I see it as a form of idol worship (harmless or not, that is how I will always see it)
Yes, the saints were great men and women who were devout to our Lord and Savior… but that is all the are! MEN and WOMEN, people of the earth. My main concern is that I do not want my children learning that it is okay to pray to or through a mortal.
I only pray directly to the Holy Trinity.

 

[Robbinson]

I’m in a mixed marraige (long story).

My best advice would be for the two of you to talk about it, pray about it, and “study it” (Catholicism and non-denominational scripture reading) “together”. Use it as an opportunity to strenghten your relationship and build your respective faiths (or at least understanding of what you each really "believe).

That’s a necessary first step.

For what its worth, I came to faith in Christ as an evangelical - and then ultimately became Catholic after extensive study and prayer - my wife (and thus far) children have not joined me. Its a challenge when we don’t share our faith with our loved ones - I’m blessed by a supportive wife and children though and do believe my own faith walk has increased their interest in faith and connection with God - that is a good thing.

Blessings,

Brian