Specifics of God's view on re-marriage/marriage, abstinence, and how that all relates to one another

[Rob1551]

So here’s the background and my situation, you may skip this part:
Back Midway through highschool I met a girl who had just started college. As soon as we met I fell in love with her, not from the moment I saw her but from the moment I heard her voice. I gave her my number and we talked multiple times a day. This was the first time I had ever thought I loved someone romantically. Eventually we stopped talking outside of a small message every now and then. Then during my first summer while at college I talked to her again, it’s gonna sound dumb but I was her friend on Xbox and she joined my party chat. She told me how she had gotten married to a friend who she knew since kindergarten and how he cheated on her and said she wasn’t going to talk to guys at which point I said that’s fair. A few months later we kept talking and she wanted my number, after giving it to her we started talking every day and eventually she told me she loved me quickly after we first met, I told her the same, and she said how she knew how cared for her and couldn’t imagine not being with me. We quickly began saying how much we loved each other, talked about having kids and getting married. This began our current relationship.

Here’s what I need help with:
I understand consummating a marriage is to become one in flesh. But she was already married, does this mean by God’s standards we won’t become one?

Next is about abstinence, in first grade my school made all the students swear to not drink before 21. Knowing many wouldn’t follow this I swore to never drink, never do drugs, and abstain unless something prevented a marriage. I have kept up my promise but find myself confused on my exception. We already refer to ourselves as married, started as a joke but we now act like it’s true, but one day she said I need to consummate our marriage before it’s too late. She says too late because she says she feels something bad may happen to me. After I graduate I will go to officers school and join the Marines so I know that doesn’t help her feeling. I love her and want to marry her and when the time is right become one but is it wrong to do so before legal marriage?

Personally I feel I should wait but what if we aren’t able to get married and I die while deployed, I would never get to be one with the woman I love and I won’t be able to leave behind a child. I’m not saying I want a child before marriage but I’d rather have one now and die before marriage then never having one and dieing.
So I guess my main concern is, if I know I may not be able to get married soon and may die before then, is it ok to have premarital relations. Or will God still see this as a sin?

I want a religious view before I bring this up with her so any and all advice would be greatly appreciated thank you.

 

[Elf01]

Not what you’ll want to hear but before consummating (assuming you’re Catholic)

She’ll need her first marriage annulled.
You need to get married in the Catholic Church.

 

[1ke]

I understand consummating a marriage is to become one in flesh. But she was already married, does this mean by God’s standards we won’t become one?

She is married. She is not free to date you.

You cannot pursue a relationship with a married woman!

but one day she said I need to consummate our marriage before it’s too late.

You need to talk to your priest for counsel. She’s married to someone else. She can’t marry you and having sexual relations with her is sinful. AND if she is pressuring you to have sex, something is very wrong. She has an ulterior motive.

I love her and want to marry her and when the time is right become one but is it wrong to do so before legal marriage?

Yes, this is the sin of adultery. It is grave matter against the sixth commandment. You two both sound incredibly immature.

Personally I feel I should wait but what if we aren’t able to get married and I die while deployed

Then you do free from the sin of adultery.

is it ok to have premarital relations. Or will God still see this as a sin?

No it is not OK. Talk to your priest!!!

 

[Irishmom2]

OP, how old are you?

 

[Rob1551]

I apologize, I thought I had it in there but I guess not, she divorced the guy and didn’t start talking to me again until a few months after they got divorced. Again I apologize for the confusion, please restate your answers knowing this. I would never want to intentionally come between a marriage.

 

[Rob1551]

Kinda don’t want to say that for safety reasons cause you know the international, but we are both under 28 (specific number I know but I didn’t want to put it to close or high so yeah)

 

[1ke]

she divorced the guy and didn’t start talking to me again until a few months after they got divorced.

While she may have civilly divorced, the Church acknowledges her marriage as a valid marriage unless proven otherwise. Divorce does not end a marriage.

She is not free to marry. You are not free to marry her.

If you are serious about following God and about this
woman, you need to slow it down and you need to remain chaste.

She can speak to your pastor about whether she has any grounds for a decree of nullity from the Church— this would mean her marriage was not valid.

If either she or her husband are unbaptized, there may be other options regarding dissolving the marriage.

If both are baptized and the marriage is valid, only the death of a spouse can dissolve the marriage.

The Church must determine that she is free to marry or you can’t marry her.

It sounds like you are not well versed in what the Church teaches about marriage. I encourage you to talk to your pastor.

Is she a Catholic?

 

[1ke]

few months later we kept talking and she wanted my number, after giving it to her we started talking every day and eventually she told me she loved me quickly after we first met, I told her the same, and she said how she knew how cared for her and couldn’t imagine not being with me.

Look, she has already had a speedy romance and marriage to one guy. Telling someone else you love them so quickly— it’s not a sign of a mature person or mature love. This is all high school drama and puppy love.

She may need some counseling and time on her own to grow up.

 

[Rob1551]

I thank you for your answer as it brought things to my attention I was unaware about.

The while marriage topic was never mentioned in my time at church and since I no longer attend I didn’t know where to turn for aid on this.

Keep in mind that I haven’t found a church/religion to stick with. My mom’s side was Baptist and my dad’s was Catholic and while I’ve grown up with both I never found which suited me. Mostly I’ve followed what was common ground between them and the other major religions. Recently though i have become more religious, not sure why, which is why I’m asking here. I have a basis but it’s been so long (2 years at most) that now that im coming back I’m unsure of what to do.

I am unsure of her religious stance, as I have not gone to in detail with it. I was planning on seeing what people hear thought before I bring anything to her attention.

Thank you for your aid so far.

 

[Rob1551]

See that also occurred to me about her maybe needing to grow before starting a new relationship. But she did like me before and I assume she stopped talking to me because she thought since I wasn’t doing anything that nothing would happen so she tried to move to quickly and it didn’t work so eventually after about half a year she started one with me since I was “ready” (I guess, or showed I would pursue a relationship). This is something I want to go into detail about with here but I don’t want offend her or bring up bad memories or something. Believe me it has occurred that maybe I’m some marriage rebound but I assume not.

And everything for me ends up working out, I made a life plan when I was seven and even when I do nothing or mess up everything realigns and stays with the plan. I assume this is God leading my life the right way and when I realized I never accounted for how my love life would start everything with her seems to be falling into place. She seems to be apart of this plan I devised that God won’t let me stray from which is also why I’m so concerned on this. I believe it will all work out but that doesn’t mean I’m not worried about my relationship with her.

This brings in another factor you may consider in your answers, but again thank you for help thus far.

 

[1ke]

I’m going to suggest you spend some time finding out who you are, what you believe, and how you want to live your life and build a marriage and family.

Spend this time on your own, making friends with people at church, finding slightly older couples who are successful in their marriage to talk to and find out what is important.

You are considering the military so find men of faith in the military who can share the difficulties and successes of being a military spouse.

I don’t think you know enough about yourself to really know what you want and need in a spouse.

 

[Rob1551]

That’s probably best, thank you. I appreciate your honesty and am thankful for your help. Enjoy your day.