Spending Easter With Enemies

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BrockH

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I am 19 years old and still very much under my father’s control. We were planning on having Easter lunch at his home with my younger siblings (mom is working). However, he has now decided that we will be dining at his sister’s family’s home. My siblings and I have long been mistreated by that side of the family, and they don’t even talk to us in public. They do talk to my dad though. His sister puts on an act in front of him and he defends her no matter what. He has this fantasy that we are all one big happy family. We are not. His family treated my mom so poorly while they were married even going so far as threatening to make false legal charges against her and blaming her for the fact that my sister with Down Syndrome has trouble using the restroom alone. Any advice?
 
Just some thoughts in the form of rhetorical questions. In what way has your aunt mistreated you? Despite how you feel about the quarrel she had with your mother, did she actually mistreat you? Is it possible that your perception of her treatment of you is influenced by the way your mother feels about her. When adult family members fight, it often feels to the kids like they are also involved in the fight but often the adults really have no animosity toward the children, but they pretty much go along for the ride.

My mom has some narcissistic tendencies and when I was a little bit older than you, she had a falling out with some of her friends that had been in my life since I was a very young child. I called these people auntie and uncle and I had always believed that they cared for me. I was heartbroken to realize that my connection with them was completely based on their friendship with my mom. Neither of them came to my wedding when invited. One of them refused to even respond. Essentially, this person who I’d always looked up to as a child and who I thought loved me, ghosted me because she was mad at my mom. Anyway, I bring this up because if your aunt has invited you to her home for Easter, it would appear that there is at least a chance that she really has nothing against you and is hoping to have a relationship with you now that you are no longer your mother’s minor child.

Now, I’m saying this as someone who has not a hint of what has actually taken place between you and your aunt. If your aunt has actually been abusive toward you in a manner above giving unsolicited parenting advice about your disabled sister, then I would say you are completely within your right to say, “Dad, I know you love auntie, but she has hurt me and I really don’t want to see her.” No one should have to invite toxic people into their lives. But if that’s not the case and her offenses have been more along the lines of neglecting to include you or not sending a birthday card, I would take this opportunity to give her a chance to form a relationship as an adult.

(PS- I have a daughter that was born with imperforate anus, who can’t control her bowels yet and I am constantly flooded with unsolicited parenting advice. It’s extremely irritating to hear from people I actually like but when I get it from people I already don’t hold in the highest regard, it’s infuriating. That being said, they usually do just want to help in their nosy and uniformed way.)
 
OP, I am sorry that you and your siblings have had to live through this. You must know why God hates divorce.

You should not assume that your your father’s family are your enemies. You had nothing to do with the problems in your parents’ marriage. It is not about you. You may well be able to have a civil relationship with your father’s family as an adult. Your rules must be: never gossip, never speak negatively about others.
 
I am sorry there is such division in your family. I will keep you all in prayer.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
OP, I am sorry that you and your siblings have had to live through this. You must know why God hates divorce.

You should not assume that your your father’s family are your enemies. You had nothing to do with the problems in your parents’ marriage. It is not about you. You may well be able to have a civil relationship with your father’s family as an adult. Your rules must be: never gossip, never speak negatively about others.
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Can you not smell the rampant abuse in this family? Families like perpetuate abuse down generations.
 
It’s all about attitude, YOUR attitude. It’s Easter, resurrection, a new beginning! Go with it! Bless you and your extended family!
 
I am actually shocked that so many poster are not sympathizing with the OP. I wouldn’t want to have an Easter supper with people who treated my mom poorly. I would feel like I was betraying my mom.

OP, no one can tell you what to do because regardless of what you choose, you are the one who will have to live with the consequences. And you need to determine which is worse
  • feeling bad by going to your aunts
  • putting up with the heat for not going and your family having the power to always trhow it in your face you declined an invitation
It is not an easy decision, but figure out which option is the most favourable to live with

Angie
 
So ‘turn theother cheek’ doesn’t apply to family squabbles? Anyone can maintain a grudge, only a special few can try to mend one. But as many have said, in the end it is your choice. Bless you.
 
Crusaderbear said:
So ‘turn theother cheek’ doesn’t apply to family squabbles? Anyone can maintain a grudge, only a special few can try to mend one. But as many have said, in the end it is your choice. Bless you.
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Forgiveness may be something the OP may consider, but that in no way means he has to be besties with that side. In my extended family there was an argument (I won’t get into details) after the death of my grandmother and that Chirstmas I remeber looking at one of my uncles and thinking, “How could you do this?”
Now that argument didn’t directly involve me, I was in high school, and the relationship with that uncle’s family was close so it has had amends to a degree, but even then it’s different in a bad way than before. I’m not going to make any judgement on the OP because they don’t seem to have any of those things going for them.
 
Families are made up of imperfect people.

If you do attend use it as an opportunity to use positive communication skills and be your most gracious self. Offer to help with the dishes even if it is not expected. (Although any prized family heirlooms that need to be washed you may not want to, you can leave that with your Aunt or her family to do. 🙂 You can tell them why. “It makes me a little nervous to handle grannies antique soup tureen.” )

Pray for your mom, your dad and your dad’s family before you go. While there make your mom proud of your behavior and interpersonal communication skills and good manners.

Now, keep in mind this might be the very last time you are going to be with your aunt in a social setting. Your life is about to take you places and you may have other obligations next Easter. Perhaps you may be going with a potential spouse next year at their family’s Easter celebration!

Also, people say all sorts of really ignorant and hurtful things while a couple are divorcing or divorced. It’s unseemly. I have to be careful with my tongue with my bff when she vents about her ex-spouse. Really.

You’re still at a very young adult stage in life, but you have had to deal with adult nonsense. Try to keep it classy, and remember you can help the situation. But you can’t control the situation. Don’t do or say anything detracting and at the very least you can use this as an opportunity to practice keeping a level head.

Don’t forget to enjoy the food and Thank God for Easter! Give your dad a hug and your downs sister an extra kiss on the forehead and Thank God for them!
 
You could imagine yourself wearing a white labcoat and that you are participating in a documentary about dysfunctional families. Watch them as an observer or scientist would. Observe, but do not absorb. When you don’t absorb you won’t react or the common word now people use is “triggered”. It is easier to let things go when you don’t consider yourself a participant in the craziness, but an observer. You could also imagine that you are watching an instructional video about dysfunctional families. When things get weird, you could think to yourself “wow, look at the technique that this person is using to manipulate that person.” Or “wow, look at how when this person can’t control someone, they then shift methods and start belittling them. That’s an interesting tactic.” The goal is to create emotional distance between you and what is going on around you.

I come from a very dysfunctional home and these are techniques suggested to me by my therapist. I have been in your situation many times and needed coping skills. Being young and somewhat powerlessness is hard. You have my compassion and empathy! Take heart, with God guiding you, you will build a healthy life of your own and you won’t repeat these patterns with your own children. I am 39 now, married, with 3 children and my parents are still the same. But I no longer take responsibility for their choices and their behaviors and their life journey. We can only change ourselves, our reactions, and our choices. God bless you!!!
 
BrockH said:
I am 19 years old and still very much under my father’s control. We were planning on having Easter lunch at his home with my younger siblings (mom is working). However, he has now decided that we will be dining at his sister’s family’s home. My siblings and I have long been mistreated by that side of the family, and they don’t even talk to us in public. They do talk to my dad though. His sister puts on an act in front of him and he defends her no matter what. He has this fantasy that we are all one big happy family. We are not. His family treated my mom so poorly while they were married even going so far as threatening to make false legal charges against her and blaming her for the fact that my sister with Down Syndrome has trouble using the restroom alone. Any advice?
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I’m so sorry you have to deal with this on a day that should be a celebration! It’s not an easy situation. 😦

I would say to just do the best you can not to get pulled into drama or arguments if you can help it, and try to help your siblings deal with the situation as best they can, as well. If the relatives say rude things, try not to respond to the negative stuff. I’ve found that, when possible, it’s good to say nothing in response to an insult; just leave their words hanging in the air, and just look as though you’re surprised they would say such a mean thing.

Hopefully, the act your aunt puts on for your dad will be, “see how nice I am to your kids,” and you can just play along.

And remember to pray about it–before, during (if possible), and after. I will also say a prayer for you! :gopray2:
 
Crusaderbear said:
So ‘turn theother cheek’ doesn’t apply to family squabbles? Anyone can maintain a grudge, only a special few can try to mend one. But as many have said, in the end it is your choice. Bless you.
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The issue is not forgiveness, which is letting go of a desire for retribution, but putting an unrepentant abuser in a position of trust. (Refusing to speak to someone in public is shunning. That is covert relational abuse.)

I’d say that when you need to break bread with someone you don’t trust because they have squandered the trust you once placed in them, the goal is to keep the conversation where you are as safe as possible and the person prone to abuse you is as far as possible from a near occasion of sin. Keeping them from abusing you is also keeping them from sin, after all.

Mercy does require letting go of the desire to put someone in their place when they richly deserve it. That’s a “I hope for mercy, and so I will show mercy myself” thing.

Mercy does not require concurring with a false pretense. One can decide, however, to remain silent without making a big show that they’re not in agreement with a ridiculous pretense. For instance, if your Dad and your relatives make some big show that everything is hunky dory and there are no unaddressed wrongs, it is no offense against justice to bite your tongue and let that show go unchallenged. You can later tell your Dad that you kept your mouth shut so as not to ruin the meal because your mother was not there and in need of defense against the falsehood, but that you do not want to be asked to sit through that kind of charade again, as you believe everything being pretended was patently false. You can also tell him that this will be a condition of your attendance at future family functions. Maybe he can’t help what his siblings say, but he can help what he will and won’t say. His children deserve at least that much.

If this aunt and her family will pretend for the course of a meal that they’re on good terms with you, just go along. It is Easter dinner, but you and your younger siblings can manage this. I would arrange transportation so that you can leave with any of your younger siblings who are being abused and not defended by your father and take them home, should you decide that is necessary. That is a sensible precaution, since it is possible things could come to that. Have some cash on you; you may have to leave before they’ve finished eating.
 
Anglewannabe said:
I am actually shocked that so many poster are not sympathizing with the OP. I wouldn’t want to have an Easter supper with people who treated my mom poorly. I would feel like I was betraying my mom.

OP, no one can tell you what to do because regardless of what you choose, you are the one who will have to live with the consequences. And you need to determine which is worse
  • feeling bad by going to your aunts
  • putting up with the heat for not going and your family having the power to always trhow it in your face you declined an invitation
It is not an easy decision, but figure out which option is the most favourable to live with

Angie
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As far as I can tell, everyone is sympathetic with the OP. No one want to spend a holiday with people they feel they are unwelcome with. The problem is that there is not enough information in the OPs post to even make a guess as to whether his perception is accurate. One of the things that frequently go on in a divorce is parental and family alienation. This is an extremely cruel thing that is done to children, where they are required to chose a side and make enemies of people who actually do love and care for them. There’s no way for the OP to know if his perception is accurate without attempting to have a relationship with his family. The OP wasn’t too specific about the abuse he feels he’s suffered. The few examples he has sited could easily be misinterpreted. His aunt not approaching him in a public place when he was with his mother could have easily been her wanting to avoid a public confrontation with his mother, not “shunning” as one poster put it. The argument between his aunt and his mother regarding his younger sister’s care most likely came to him completely through heresay and neither we not the OP knows the details of the confrontation. Divorces tear families apart and parental alienation is a real and very prevalent thing. That’s why posters are trying to be balanced with their approach.
 
EasterJoy said:
The issue is not forgiveness, which is letting go of a desire for retribution, but putting an unrepentant abuser in a position of trust. (Refusing to speak to someone in public is shunning. That is covert relational abuse.)

I’d say that when you need to break bread with someone you don’t trust because they have squandered the trust you once placed in them, the goal is to keep the conversation where you are as safe as possible and the person prone to abuse you is as far as possible from a near occasion of sin. Keeping them from abusing you is also keeping them from sin, after all.

Mercy does require letting go of the desire to put someone in their place when they richly deserve it. That’s a “I hope for mercy, and so I will show mercy myself” thing.

Mercy does not require concurring with a false pretense.
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Sadly I have personal experience with this, concerning my own father. I do have a relationship with him but our conversation is usually limited to “safe” topics such as baseball, the weather, etc.

I would even say that it is an act of love, for people to avoid situations that would put one at risk of future abuse. For that prevents the abuser from committing even more sins of abuse.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
Sadly I have personal experience with this, concerning my own father. I do have a relationship with him but our conversation is usually limited to “safe” topics such as baseball, the weather, etc.

I would even say that it is an act of love, for people to avoid situations that would put one at risk of future abuse. For that prevents the abuser from committing even more sins of abuse.
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When some mob wanted to seize Our Lord and it was not his time, he slipped away. There is a time to stand up for the truth and the abuse that standing up for the truth will bring down, but there are also times when the sinless thing to do is to avoid giving others an opportunity to do evil that you can justly deny them.
 
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