Spending money we don't have

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Stephanie22

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I need some feedback. Husband has a money spending problem. He likes to spend money we don’t have. We have one child. We are on a budget and we are trying to plan family time. We live away from our relatives. I have a big family reunion in the fall. He wants us all to go. However it is going to be expensive. I suggested that we stay home or only I attend. He won’t have it. He wants to go. He is not close with my family. But I think he just wants the time away. Should we go as a family?
 
If you don’t have the money to go as a family, I would not go at all… but that’s just my opinion.
 
You are expecting your husband and child to stay home while you go see your family? No. I agree with the above posters, either you all go or no one does. Some things are more important than money, and having your husband and child at a family reunion is one of them.
 
Actually my original post said that I was suggesting we all stay home or I go alone. I was not asking to go… He’s insisting on it. I don’t think he wants to be told no.
 
He may not be close with your family, but it’s not really a family reunion unless your family is all there, is it?
 
Well then if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. If he’s got a spending issue and you’re on a budget than you can’t really go. I would hope that he could understand that.
 
Stephanie22 said:
I need some feedback. Husband has a money spending problem. He likes to spend money we don’t have. We have one child. We are on a budget and we are trying to plan family time. We live away from our relatives. I have a big family reunion in the fall. He wants us all to go. However it is going to be expensive. I suggested that we stay home or only I attend. He won’t have it. He wants to go. He is not close with my family. But I think he just wants the time away. Should we go as a family?
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I think both of your solutions are very reasonable. Your husband, on the other hand, does not seem interested in reason.

I suggest you ask him to come up with the money for the trip in cash in order for the family to go. If the trip can be paid for the family can go. If the trip cannot be paid for in cash, the family should not go.

FInding the money could be selling unwanted items through ebay/garage sale, cutting expenses, etc. Fall is not very far away, if you do not already have the money then I don’t see you able to both save/raise the money and make necessary reservations (plane tix, etc) within the next few weeks. If you only have enough money for one person to go, and you want to go, I do not see why this would be an issue. I think your solution of all staying home or you going alone is perfectly reasonable. I really don’t understand the responses other posters are giving.

But again, I don’t think this is about this one family trip. This is a much deeper issue you are describing-- your husband spending money you do not have. This sounds like a pattern, not an isolated incident.
 
Stephanie22 said:
Actually my original post said that I was suggesting we all stay home or I go alone. I was not asking to go… He’s insisting on it. I don’t think he wants to be told no.
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I really think that the worst idea is that you go alone. You say he isn’t close to your family, but you have a child now and your husband has the right and responsibility to get to know his child’s family. Things like family reunions are important, and I think this issue runs far deeper than a disagreement over money.
 
The deeper issues, if you will, revolve around my husband who just won’t get things together.
Every day is the same. He comes home from work (we both work) and makes dinner. I clean. He starts drinking and then has about 5 or 6 beers and falls asleep on the couch watching tv. Every day is the same. He seems to have no concerns about helping with the budget etc. he was supposed to fill out a mandatory form for our mortgage 3 weeks ago. I just found it in the counter. Never touched.

We have gone through MC. He says everything is great! He’s never been happier! Yet, he doesn’t understand we need to stay within a budget and be good role models for our child.
 
Stephanie22 said:
The deeper issues, if you will, revolve around my husband who just won’t get things together.
Every day is the same. He comes home from work (we both work) and makes dinner. I clean. He starts drinking and then has about 5 or 6 beers and falls asleep on the couch watching tv. Every day is the same. He seems to have no concerns about helping with the budget etc. he was supposed to fill out a mandatory form for our mortgage 3 weeks ago. I just found it in the counter. Never touched.

We have gone through MC. He says everything is great! He’s never been happier! Yet, he doesn’t understand we need to stay within a budget and be good role models for our child.
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And that is wrong. But it doesn’t justify leaving him and your kid at home while you go away to a family reunion.
 
Stephanie22 said:
The deeper issues, if you will, revolve around my husband who just won’t get things together.
Every day is the same. He comes home from work (we both work) and makes dinner. I clean. He starts drinking and then has about 5 or 6 beers and falls asleep on the couch watching tv. Every day is the same. He seems to have no concerns about helping with the budget etc. he was supposed to fill out a mandatory form for our mortgage 3 weeks ago. I just found it in the counter. Never touched.

We have gone through MC. He says everything is great! He’s never been happier! Yet, he doesn’t understand we need to stay within a budget and be good role models for our child.
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He may be happy because he gets to drink 5 or 6 beers every night then nap on the couch. That heavy beer consumption would be one of my first concerns …why does he feel the need to consume so much? Maybe I wrong but the amount seems excessive to me. Not to mention the fact that beer can be expensive when consumed in large amounts. The fact that he also doesn’t appear to care about the mortgage issue would also worry me. Is he the happy go lucky type that leaves all the household bills and money for you to manage?
 
Again, I was not suggesting that I go alone to the family reunion. I wanted all of us to stay home. I said if he insists that I go, then I should be the only one considering we are already in serious debt.

As for his drinking… I think it’s his thing. It’s just gotten worse as of late. It makes me think that he is internally unhappy. Why does he need to use alcohol in extreme.

He’s not a happy go lucky type. He’s actually quite pessimistic and avoids bills as a form of denial. I just need him to help get things together and be responsible. It all falls on me
 
Stephanie22 said:
Again, I was not suggesting that I go alone to the family reunion. I wanted all of us to stay home. I said if he insists that I go, then I should be the only one considering we are already in serious debt.

As for his drinking… I think it’s his thing. It’s just gotten worse as of late. It makes me think that he is internally unhappy. Why does he need to use alcohol in extreme.

He’s not a happy go lucky type. He’s actually quite pessimistic and avoids bills as a form of denial. I just need him to help get things together and be responsible. It all falls on me
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Prayers for you family. Having obligations to take care of myself I can understand part of what you are going through.
 
Stephanie22 said:
Again, I was not suggesting that I go alone to the family reunion. I wanted all of us to stay home. I said if he insists that I go, then I should be the only one considering we are already in serious debt.

As for his drinking… I think it’s his thing. It’s just gotten worse as of late. It makes me think that he is internally unhappy. Why does he need to use alcohol in extreme.

He’s not a happy go lucky type. He’s actually quite pessimistic and avoids bills as a form of denial. I just need him to help get things together and be responsible. It all falls on me
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Al-Anon. If someone’s drinking is bothering you, you qualify. Go to a meeting as soon as you can. You need to learn how to detach with love, because the more you do, the less he will do.

Al-Anon/Alateen

The reunion in the fall is the least of your problems.
 
You think? I guess I’m in a bit of denial too. I just don’t see him extremely drunk etc. but he def gets testy after he’s been drinking… But alcoholic? I hate to think that’s where we are at.
 
Stephanie22 said:
You think? I guess I’m in a bit of denial too. I just don’t see him extremely drunk etc. but he def gets testy after he’s been drinking… But alcoholic? I hate to think that’s where we are at.
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A person doesn’t have to be passing out, falling down drunk to be an alcoholic, but you don’t have to know that about him, just that his drinking is bothering you. The things you’ve said lead me to believe that it’s a problem for him also. Alcohol is a depressant and for people who are already prone to depression, can be a disaster. Just go to a meeting or 2. You’ll see if it can help you.
 
Speaking from experience, he sounds like he has the money things weighing heavy on his mind. Which may be ne reason why he is putting it off. Maybe you should pay the bills. I pay the bills in our house and we have a very tight budget that I just can’t seem to get my wife to follow as well as I want. 🙂 It’s better than what it was but I have to keep on saying things and I don’t like doing that. She is 47 and not a kid but I do what I have to just to have money for the bills. She always wants to go here and there and it just isn’t possible. We have two teenager daughters at home and our grocery budget is $225 a week and it never seems to fill the fridge or the panry. Our daughters are hardly home during the summer so I just don’t get it. I don’t need things to be happy. I am not a materialistic person nor am I always seeking for happiness everywhere else. He does sound depressed and I think the alcohol is also causing that along with stress. When I was growing up, 5-6 beers a day for my family and relatives was no big deal. Then again, 5-6 beers in 5-6 hours is different than 5-6 in 2-3 hours. The average person burns 1 can of beer an hour or one shot or one glass of wine. 5 cans of a 12 ounce beer would cause the average person to blow about a .08 BAC (Blood Alcohol Content). It depends on several factors and is difference for each person. I was a police officer and had to actually go through training where I drank 6 shots of Vodka in several minutes and over a 7 hour period, I blew a high of .08. I was about 175 lbs. then. 20 lbs more now. 🙂 Of course, I wasn’t allowed to drive but it was a memorable experience.

I am not saying what he is doing is right and I can pretty much tell you that he has been thinking to himself that drinking that much everday isn’t a good thing to do. Never argue with a person who is drunk. You will drive yourself crazy. Talk to him about your concerns in a charitable manner when he hasn’t been drinking. It doesn’t have to be a long conversation. You will have planted the seed and he will be thinking about it. Just remind him once in awhile. Of course, if it continues to get progressively worse then other things need to be done for the both of you.
 
It seems there’s a lot of advice about what you should do to make things better.

There are at least two problems going on here:


  1. *]His drinking.
    *]His spending.

    I was in a similar situation. Although my ex-husband didn’t drink much, he was spending us into oblivion. I spent years trying to deal with the situation in every possible way. The smartest thing I ever did was finally coming to understand that I could not control *his *behavior.

    Sorry, but I do think you’re dealing with an alcoholic, and if (I stress if) that’s the case, no amount of reasoning is going to help the situation. You’ll continue to watch him drink and not pay bills, and you’ll continue to go more and more deeply into debt until he hits rock bottom and decides to change.

    I would second the suggestion to go to al-anon and also maybe find an online forum. I like www.soberrecovery.com There are some great people there.

    As to the immediate problem, what will he do if you simply say you are NOT going to the family reunion?
 
We live several states away from family as well. If we can afford to all go together, we do (in-laws 50th). If we cannot, we do one of the options you mentioned. 4 plane tickets is a lot more money than 1. 1 person can be accommodated on a relative’s couch, 4 needs accommodations, rental car, etc.

If it is not terribly important, we don’t go. If it really is important, the person whose natal family it involves goes. I went to my grandmother’s funeral last year without everyone else, and got to spend time with extended family. It was a gift of kindness and love on my husband’s part. It would have been nice if all of us could have gone, but everyone understood. He has also gone alone to see his family when we all couldn’t go. Again, because I love him, and finances wouldn’t allow otherwise.

Also, desperate for my children to get to know extended family better, I put the two of them on a plane on a non-stop flight, with my teen watching over the younger child, and my sis picked them up, and they got to know their cousins for 10 days. Again, we all four couldn’t afford it.
 
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