"Spicing things up" in marriage

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Hello to everyone. I have been a “lurker” on this site for about a year, and after following some of the threads I found some that were interesting not only because of the subject matter, but also because of how polarized many of the responses were. While the topics were not identical, the commonalities could be summed up with this question: Are Catholics allowed to “spice things up in the marriage bed?”

Before I continue I think I should mention a few things about myself. First off, I am not married. Second, I am still a virgin. All that aside, I would very much like to have a wife and family someday, God willing. Therefore I consider the dos and don’ts of Catholic sexuality to still be somewhat relevant to me.

While I am not of the opinion that “anything goes” as long as the people are married, I think that there are a lot of well-meaning Catholics out there who react to our over-sexed culture by seeing sin where there is none. Please comment and feel free to disagree. I think this issue is important.
 
Husbands and wives should do what they can to build a good marriage together. Fostering intimacy in and out of the bedroom is part of that (and behaviors in and out of the bedroom will affect each other - that might not be something you are aware of since you are unmarried yourself).

Some couples are very content to “keep it simple.” It might be their personalities, their season of life, etc.

What is not permissible is sin. You can’t invite a third person (including the use of pornography). You can’t use your spouse like an object for your gratification. You can’t contracept or sterilize yourself. You can’t go ahead if your spouse says no. You can’t turn down a reasonable request for intimacy (differences arise as to what’s reasonable and what’s not, IMO that’s for a couple to decide together).

Really, these are the kinds of things that couples should discuss and work together on. What’s appropriate for some couples may not be appropriate for others, whether that’s at this time or others. “Spicing up” means different things to different people. Not all activities are safe for all people in all situations. There is no list of approved acts.
 
I think that chastity in and out of marriage is like mental health. If you have a consistent ethic and discipline in all aspects of your life ie. good eating habits, good exercise habits, good sleeping habits… mental health takes care of itself. You are naturally discerning about what is harmful to your mental health through an overall practice of self respect.

People often want to know a list of rules to be chaste and while there are well documented Catholic rules… some adopt them with a sense of resentment or superiority while others experience chastity with gratitude and appreciation for what constitutes healthy loving, respectful acts and what constitutes baseness and lust and therefore are ultimately damaging to the marriage and family.

I think you have already set yourself up to be a discerning spouse in the bedroom by valuing premarital chastity.
 
FrenzyJen said:
Pensmama said it perfectly!!
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😊

I was looking back over what I said and I do think it may have come across a little harshly. Maybe it’s just because I know how these threads can go.

If a couple (or one of a couple) is unsatisfied with how things are going in the marriage, they really should do something about it, and the lines of communication should be open. If they’re not, that’s probably the primary problem to work on, because sex really is a form of communication between spouses - for them to reaffirm their love for each other. And the way each couple expresses that is going to be particular to that couple.

I do know, that in my life, my husband has asked me to do things that I was at first unsure about. I thought about it and decided that I would give it a try to please him. After a few times with one request, I decided I did not like the way it made me feel, and I told him (not in the heat of the moment) that I loved him, but it just wasn’t something I was comfortable doing anymore. He was still a little embarrassed, but hey, we got over it. And I have made sure to do other things I know he likes and have no qualms about, so he knows it’s not about me rejecting him or that I don’t like sex or whatever.

And that situation has reversed itself, too. When that happened I needed to evaluate why I wanted to do what I wanted to do. But ultimately it came down to respecting the “no” and trusting that it was done without selfish intent. 🤷 If I had pushed it, then I know I would have been acting selfishly for sure.

I really do think it all comes down to communication. We have a weird thing going on in secular society where we talk and think and see sex all the time, but somehow want all that to go on without being vulnerable. Married living is all about vulnerability, and both spouses need to be willing to embrace that for it to work.
 
pensmama87 said:
😊

I was looking back over what I said and I do think it may have come across a little harshly. Maybe it’s just because I know how these threads can go.

If a couple (or one of a couple) is unsatisfied with how things are going in the marriage, they really should do something about it, and the lines of communication should be open. If they’re not, that’s probably the primary problem to work on, because sex really is a form of communication between spouses - for them to reaffirm their love for each other. And the way each couple expresses that is going to be particular to that couple.

I do know, that in my life, my husband has asked me to do things that I was at first unsure about. I thought about it and decided that I would give it a try to please him. After a few times with one request, I decided I did not like the way it made me feel, and I told him (not in the heat of the moment) that I loved him, but it just wasn’t something I was comfortable doing anymore. He was still a little embarrassed, but hey, we got over it. And I have made sure to do other things I know he likes and have no qualms about, so he knows it’s not about me rejecting him or that I don’t like sex or whatever.

And that situation has reversed itself, too. When that happened I needed to evaluate why I wanted to do what I wanted to do. But ultimately it came down to respecting the “no” and trusting that it was done without selfish intent. 🤷 If I had pushed it, then I know I would have been acting selfishly for sure.

I really do think it all comes down to communication. We have a weird thing going on in secular society where we talk and think and see sex all the time, but somehow want all that to go on without being vulnerable. Married living is all about vulnerability, and both spouses need to be willing to embrace that for it to work.
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Same for us!
 
Pensmama nailed it.

If you keep the communication lines open then things shouldn’t feel dull or boring.

Sex is certainly not one of those things that just falls into place within a marriage. Society has given us a false ideal about how sex should be within marriage.

It takes time, practice and lots of communication to actually be good at it and to enjoy it and feel satisfied.

I think chastity within marriage has a way of eliminating the real need to “spice things up” in the sense that sex has become dull and boring.

However, I really don’t think there is a true limit on things to try in the bedroom. As long as the couple is married, open to life (as in the act is completed), and not degrading, embarrassing or uncomfortable for either of the couple.
And, as Pensmama stated…just the two people within the marriage are involved, no third parties and no pornography.
Otherwise have fun and enjoy each other.
 
Want to spice up a marriage…?

Have three kids close in age. Add one large dog and a couple of cats. Remember to laugh a lot. Don’t take a job to seriously…your real career is husband and daddy. Work through the hard times…lavish in the good times. God supplies all the spice you need. 🙂
 
Zoltan_Cobalt said:
Want to spice up a marriage…?

Have three kids close in age. Add one large dog and a couple of cats. Remember to laugh a lot. Don’t take a job to seriously…your real career is husband and daddy. Work through the hard times…lavish in the good times. God supplies all the spice you need. 🙂
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I hope this isnt sarcasm, lol.
 
Kelfa28 said:
Pensmama nailed it.

If you keep the communication lines open then things shouldn’t feel dull or boring.

Sex is certainly not one of those things that just falls into place within a marriage. Society has given us a false ideal about how sex should be within marriage.

It takes time, practice and lots of communication to actually be good at it and to enjoy it and feel satisfied.

I think chastity within marriage has a way of eliminating the real need to “spice things up” in the sense that sex has become dull and boring.

However, I really don’t think there is a true limit on things to try in the bedroom. As long as the couple is married, open to life (as in the act is completed), and not degrading, embarrassing or uncomfortable for either of the couple.
And, as Pensmama stated…just the two people within the marriage are involved, no third parties and no pornography.
Otherwise have fun and enjoy each other.
Click to expand...
Right. I think 1) moral 2) not degrading and 3) not unreasonably uncomfortable for either party make a good check list. As I’ve said before elsewhere, #1 is fairly objective, but #2 and #3 will vary quite a bit from couple to couple. If one party feels degraded, the act is degrading, no matter how many other couples enjoy the very same thing.

The expectations created by media are that everything is going to immediately amazing and ecstatic. There’s no room for learning and improving and communicating in the popular vision, where couples leap into bed and are immediately on cloud 9 with very little verbal communication. Real sexual relationships have a lot more warming up and trial and error.
 
When I was a newlywed, we picked up a number of reference books (Joy of Sex, Sex for Dummies, and eventually the Kama Sutra).

On reflection, only a small percentage of the suggestions one reads are actually going to be at all helpful or practical, aside from the very obvious (lubrication! foreplay!). I was just reading a very funny critique of Cosmo’s sex advice, where a sex blogger was complaining about the Cosmo advice to have a sexy pizza picnic in bed. Cliff Pervocracy said, "I’ve been accused of just not understanding romance in my Cosmocking. I dunno. Maybe there’s some truth in that. Because I see this cute little idea for Manic Pixie Dream Girl antics, and all I can think is “oh jeez, that is never washing out.”

Basic is pretty good and thanks to NFP, there really isn’t time to get bored.
 
Xantippe said:
When I was a newlywed, we picked up a number of reference books (Joy of Sex, Sex for Dummies, and eventually the Kama Sutra).

On reflection, only a small percentage of the suggestions one reads are actually going to be at all helpful or practical, aside from the very obvious (lubrication! foreplay!). I was just reading a very funny critique of Cosmo’s sex advice, **where a sex blogger was complaining about the Cosmo advice to have a sexy pizza picnic in bed. Cliff Pervocracy said, "I’ve been accused of just not understanding romance in my Cosmocking. I dunno. Maybe there’s some truth in that. Because I see this cute little idea for Manic Pixie Dream Girl antics, and all I can think is “oh jeez, that is never washing out.”
**
Basic is pretty good and thanks to NFP, there really isn’t time to get bored.
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Those are the kinds of thoughts I have when I see those magazines in the aisle. “Oh really, 200 new things you can do? How many involve hours of setup and cleanup afterwards?” That’s after I get mad that they’re placed right at child-in-shopping-cart-seat level (I have been known to turn them around).

Turning sex into a chore is NOT sexy.
 
Wow, plenty of responses in just a few hours! Thanks, everyone!😃
 
pensmama87 said:
Those are the kinds of thoughts I have when I see those magazines in the aisle. “Oh really, 200 new things you can do? How many involve hours of setup and cleanup afterwards?” That’s after I get mad that they’re placed right at child-in-shopping-cart-seat level (I have been known to turn them around).

Turning sex into a chore is NOT sexy.
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Funny! Very true!

And as I’ve been learning from the internet, a lot of Cosmo advice has rather obviously not been field tested. This obvious fact went right over my head when I was an inexperienced teen reader of Cosmo and similar.

I thought about linking but am going to spare you guys a REALLY bad idea involving a shoelace.
 
pensmama87 said:
Those are the kinds of thoughts I have when I see those magazines in the aisle. “Oh really, 200 new things you can do? How many involve hours of setup and cleanup afterwards?” That’s after I get mad that they’re placed right at child-in-shopping-cart-seat level (I have been known to turn them around).
Click to expand...
200 new things you can do…

…if you happen to be a former Olympic gymnast or vaudeville contortionist.
 
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