R
roseproject
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A little while ago, I found this article on spiritual attack…charismamag.com/spirit/spiritual-warfare/23013-8-signs-you-are-under-spiritual-attack I found that I fit nearly every single one of these to a T…but I keep wondering: “Is this truly a spiritual attack or is God simply trying to direct me down a different direction in life?”
For nearly half of my lifetime, I felt so sure what God was calling me to do: write good stories and use my artistic talents for His glory. When I was going through many bouts of worry; whether or not my story was going to ever be published, I was indeed permitted to suffer my own little garden of Gethsemanes, but I would later be given renewed hope and reassurance that this was my calling. I even had a dream once that God was holding my main character in his hands. Even though the dream was nothing flashy or ecstasy inducing in the least bit, I woke up with a supernatural hope of sorts that this dream will, someday, come to pass, even though I had no idea how at the time. I just knew He would be holding my dream no matter what. Even after that, I had times of doubt but God never stopped reassuring me in one way or another.
Now, I’m starting to question the legitimacy of it all. A few months back (I’ve already mentioned this in another thread but just in case you haven’t read it, I’ll tell about it again), I was questioning whether or not we would remember our lives on earth after we die. The answer is yes…but while I was worrying about it, I realized that the possibility of forgetting my story and its characters made heaven feel less desirable for me. I decided to take time off of thinking about the story to re-order my priorities.
I’m still in this process.
I’ve been feeling pretty spiritually dry for a while now, but nowadays, my mind just wants nothing to do with God at all. Praying, even in its simplest forms is a struggle, Mass makes me feel drained, I question everything God has ever done for me in the past, I question the worth of art, fantasy, storytelling, whether or not it’s a silly and pointless dream, I feel like my desire to pursue this dream is draining from me. I feel I have no control over the fate of my story. It’s completely in God’s hands. If God truly wants me to pursue this, he’ll provide me the desire again to achieve it. It’s been so hard lately. I’m so used to working on it; developing it. It’s been my goal for so long. Without such a goal to reach, combined with zero motivation to pray, I just don’t know what to do with myself! I did receive a very small consolation recently: the tiniest sliver of inspiration for the story. It felt like a small, splash of water for the parched, downhearted soul…but for whatever consolation I get, the discouragement I get later overtakes it manyfold and it’s hard to remember the little spark of hope I felt.
It makes me wonder if God is trying to lean me into another direction; away from what I thought was His calling, or if the devil is just hounding me right now.
Have I been mistaken? Have I misinterpreted God’s intentions?
There’s a saying that a strong desire or dream is never given to a person in vain…but it’s hard to believe this when this desire feels like it’s dying. Then, there is the fact that someone’s desires can change, right? idk.
I know I should probably get a spiritual director, but I just don’t know who to turn to. All the people I know who would be qualified for such a thing are most likely busy most of the time. I thought about a certain priest who may work for me, but he’s in Africa right now and won’t be back until October
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance.
For nearly half of my lifetime, I felt so sure what God was calling me to do: write good stories and use my artistic talents for His glory. When I was going through many bouts of worry; whether or not my story was going to ever be published, I was indeed permitted to suffer my own little garden of Gethsemanes, but I would later be given renewed hope and reassurance that this was my calling. I even had a dream once that God was holding my main character in his hands. Even though the dream was nothing flashy or ecstasy inducing in the least bit, I woke up with a supernatural hope of sorts that this dream will, someday, come to pass, even though I had no idea how at the time. I just knew He would be holding my dream no matter what. Even after that, I had times of doubt but God never stopped reassuring me in one way or another.
Now, I’m starting to question the legitimacy of it all. A few months back (I’ve already mentioned this in another thread but just in case you haven’t read it, I’ll tell about it again), I was questioning whether or not we would remember our lives on earth after we die. The answer is yes…but while I was worrying about it, I realized that the possibility of forgetting my story and its characters made heaven feel less desirable for me. I decided to take time off of thinking about the story to re-order my priorities.
I’m still in this process.
I’ve been feeling pretty spiritually dry for a while now, but nowadays, my mind just wants nothing to do with God at all. Praying, even in its simplest forms is a struggle, Mass makes me feel drained, I question everything God has ever done for me in the past, I question the worth of art, fantasy, storytelling, whether or not it’s a silly and pointless dream, I feel like my desire to pursue this dream is draining from me. I feel I have no control over the fate of my story. It’s completely in God’s hands. If God truly wants me to pursue this, he’ll provide me the desire again to achieve it. It’s been so hard lately. I’m so used to working on it; developing it. It’s been my goal for so long. Without such a goal to reach, combined with zero motivation to pray, I just don’t know what to do with myself! I did receive a very small consolation recently: the tiniest sliver of inspiration for the story. It felt like a small, splash of water for the parched, downhearted soul…but for whatever consolation I get, the discouragement I get later overtakes it manyfold and it’s hard to remember the little spark of hope I felt.
It makes me wonder if God is trying to lean me into another direction; away from what I thought was His calling, or if the devil is just hounding me right now.
Have I been mistaken? Have I misinterpreted God’s intentions?
There’s a saying that a strong desire or dream is never given to a person in vain…but it’s hard to believe this when this desire feels like it’s dying. Then, there is the fact that someone’s desires can change, right? idk.
I know I should probably get a spiritual director, but I just don’t know who to turn to. All the people I know who would be qualified for such a thing are most likely busy most of the time. I thought about a certain priest who may work for me, but he’s in Africa right now and won’t be back until October
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance.
D)
My advice would be to find a spiritual director and speak to him/her about this. Based solely upon what you’ve said in your opening post, I’d say you probably need one.
