Spiritual crisis

[Aiculik]

Hello everyone,

I’m new here and the reason I decided to write was that I really need help… I tried to ask priests - and got several opposite answers. So I thought perhaps I can find someone with similar experience, that may be able to give me some useful advice.
Please excuse my English - I’m not from English-speaking country, and it’s difficult enough to express these toughts in my own languge, not to mention translate them.

The problem is, I lost my trust - I do believe in God, and Jesus, and everything… I just can’t believe he really loves me. I don’t pray any more, rarely go to mass, and even more rarely to confession, because when I do, I get so mad I have to stop or leave. When I hear the priests (I tried to go to different churches, to change the parish, but it didn’t help at all), their speaches are full of how me “must open ourselves to God’s love”, or how me “musn’t close our hearts”, it makes me sick. Literally. I begin to shake, my heart beats wildy, I can’t breat… I have a fit of anger, and it takes great effort to yell at them.

It wasn’t always this way… or was it? I’m not sure any more. I was a member of community dedicated to Virgin Mary, and later also of neocatechumenate, I couldn’t imagine Sunday without Eucharist, read the Bible… in the Virgin Mary community, where people met in small groups of 10-20 people with one animator, that was managing meetings, preparing texts from Bible for reading and discussion, prayers etc., I was one of those animators. Even now, 4 years after I’m out, people keep asking me to come back (they don’t know about my crisis). Everyone seems to think I’m real saint.

So what happened? Partially, it’s the fault of the neocatechumenate, where everyone kept talking about how blessed they are and what great things God did for them. So I compared it with my own life… how I had to run away from my country because of the war… how I have been bullied in school because I was poor… how nobody, ever, has fallen in love with me… how nobody seemed to care, not even in community, that I scratched my hands to blood… how I was always alone, labelled as weird, boring and ugly (I can’t sing or dance, and most young people in the community were in the choir, and due to health problems, I was always plump… not really fat, but not slim either). How I have to live with my mother and there’s no chance to get the loan or the mortgage to buy my own flat (I don’t live in USA, and in my country this is quite a common problem of single people). And my mother loves to remind me of the fact that I live in her flat… she thinks it gives her the right to control everythning I do as if I was six, not thirty.

And God never did anything. My prayers remained without answer… only icy quiteness. No blessing for me, it seems. No happiness. I know about the “law of undulation”, but in my case, difficult phase lasts not few months, or few years, I could bear that; it lasts almost whole my life.

But when I started to think over about it, I had to admit it was always there, that anger, and despair, and feeling that I’m quite alone, that even God doesn’t really care what happens to me… I just didn’t have the courage to admit it.

Strange thing is, I still want to be a Catholic. I want to believe in God, and trust him, and love him. I just don’t know how to do it. " Yeah I know I shoul “open myself to his love”, but I have no idea what that really means. The only priest that seems to know what’s he talking about says I should get rid of that anger first. He even allowed me to participate at Eucharist without confession… but there are two problems with that - first, I usually run away long before Eucharist, and second, even if I stay, I’m so angry I can’t go to Eucharist.

So… do you think there’s still hope for me?

 

[puzzleannie]

Hello .

The problem is, I lost my trust - I do believe in God, and Jesus, and everything… I just can’t believe he really loves me. I don’t pray any more, rarely go to mass, and even more rarely to confession, because when I do, I get so mad I have to stop or leave. When I hear the priests (I tried to go to different churches, to change the parish, but it didn’t help at all), their speaches are full of how me “must open ourselves to God’s love”, or how me “musn’t close our hearts”, it makes me sick. Literally. I begin to shake, my heart beats wildy, I can’t breat… I have a fit of anger, and it takes great effort to yell at them. ?

if you are having a problem of anxiety or panic attacks, see a doctor.
if you are having a psychological problem with anger, see a psychological counselor

you say you fear Jesus has stopped loving you, but you have stopped loving him. People who love do loving things for the beloved, they visit the beloved, they talk to him, share with him, ask for his help and trust him. They also do not order the beloved around and demand he does everything their way, on their time schedule. True love is not about making demands, it is about giving, and service.

If you are having trouble feeling love, take heart, love is more than feeling it is action. Start serving. Find someone who needs service and start serving, at your church, in your family, in your neighborhood, the poor. Keep serving until you see Jesus in the face of those whom you serve.

If you want to love Jesus, then love him. Go to Mass and return to the sacraments and read His Word. Pray daily. Prayer is not a matter of making demands and whining when we don’t get our way . Prayer is seeking obedience, humility and conformity to God’s will.

 

[Aiculik]

If you want to love Jesus, then love him.
Go to Mass and return to the sacraments and read His Word.
Pray daily.
Prayer is not a matter of making demands and whining when we don’t get our way. Prayer is seeking obedience, humility and conformity to God’s will.

Whinning? Doesn’t Jesus say:
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7, 7-12)

So I ask, I search, I knock - but nobody replies, nobody gives me anything, and all doors remains locked.

When I tell priests about my problem, they give me the same advice as you - pray, read Bible, go to Mass - because, they say, I cannot help myself alone, I need to “put myself in God’s hands” and “let him do the work”, that only God’s power can heal me.
Some say I should pray to God and Mary to help me, and they surely will, because they never leave anyone without their help. (Though they never helped me.)

But if I do, some say, just as you do, that I’m “whinning”, that I want to command God, have things my way and that I should just accept the fate God prepared for me.

When I say I did try to pray, (and I don’t see how desperate cry “please help me, God, I can’t stand the pain any more”, which is my prayer for last few years, is “commanding”), read the Bible (from cover to cover), go to mass and it didn’t work at all, they say, they give me the second part of your advice - to work, to live my life in service for other people - because, they say, I cannot rely that God will do it for me, I must work hard myself to improve my spiritual life.

That’s one of the reasons why I can’t listen priest’s disciplines, or go to confessions, because they’re full of these empty words; they never say anything concrete, all they do is recommend the opposite of what I’m doing now (though it’s based on the recommendation of other priest), just to get rid of me and my questions… which doesn’t help to overcome my crisis at all…

 

[InLight247]

I am sorry for your plight. I understand the bitterness and frustration you feel after going through different trials of life.

Life is to do with our perception and point of view. A half glass of water could be viewed by one person with complaint as “only half left” and by the other as “still has half left”. We know complaint will not achieve anything but gratitude and praise bring new blessings from God. Obviously you do believe in God and want to trust Him. So why don’t you just choose to do so?

Trust in Jesus. Pour out your heart and ask Him to take care of your problems.

Keep in mind that God does not owe anyone anything. Yet He gives us lives and died for us. That single fact should have our gratitude. Yes, you have gone through the war. It must be traumatizing, but be grateful that you did not lose your life. Many did. Yes, you are living with your mother and sometimes her words may be irritating. Yet be grateful you have a free roof to cover you and have a caring mother around. Many don’t have that. Yes, you are not slim, but so what? Most of us do not have the figure of a model. The list can go on, the bottom line is if we have a grateful attitude or not. Our attitude decides our altitude.

Do you want to attend Mass, receive Sacraments, or do you want to exclude yourself out of grace? All the Sacraments and supports are there for you. The choice is yours.

God bless!

 

[Eilish_Maura]

There is no ‘concrete’ answer.

And yes it seems like you are whining - no matter what anyone says you go off moaning about it.

You exist - that in itself is a sign of God’s love for you - do you think if he stopped loving you he would allow you to exist?

You can try to ‘command God’ by setting up in your mind assorted time tables for him and limited acceptable options for you to consider him as responding to your prayers (otherwise how can you tell us your prayers are never answered).

Sounds like you need medical assistance - maybe for a bit of OCD/anger/anxiety help.

Let go and let God.

 

[Aiculik]

Keep in mind that God does not owe anyone anything. Yet He gives us lives and died for us. That single fact should have our gratitude.

Thaks for kind words.

The problem is, I know I should be grateful… but I can’t.
Isn’t God supposed to be our loving Father?
And Isn’t it parents’ duty to take care of their little child?
I did not ask to be created, after all.
So yes, he owes me. He owes me quite a lot, in fact. He owes me that “love” everyone keeps talking about. Because I don’t believe that parents who neglect their children, who let them starve and suffer, really love them. And I don’t think child should always be grateful to its parents no matter how they behave. Or that child that expects love and fair behaviour, is disrespectful, ungrateful, or commanding its parents.

And that’s the core of my problem. )

I see my “siblings”, my brothers and sisters in Christ, and they’re all overjoyed with everything God gives them, and his kindness. Oh I know jealoussness is not nice, not one of Christian virtues; but anyone who has children, or who works with children, knows that it is unevitable, especially if they feel that another child is favoured.

One would expect God to know it as well, right? Especially if parents’ love is supposed to be just weak reflection of his love…

 

[asia53]

• maybe for a bit of OCD/anger/anxiety help.

I thought your post was very insightful except for the above.

“National Enquirer” Psychiatric Diagnosis isn’t helpful. I’m in the medical field. I can’t tell you how many times, I’ve seen people come in with this type of self-diagnosis, or peer-diagnosis, and insist on being treated for what they have read/or told is wrong with them. It’s not good.

God bless you.

Asia

 

[Eilish_Maura]

I thought your post was very insightful except for the above.

“National Enquirer” Psychiatric Diagnosis isn’t helpful. I’m in the medical field. I can’t tell you how many times, I’ve seen people come in with this type of self-diagnosis, or peer-diagnosis, and insist on being treated for what they have read/or told is wrong with them. It’s not good.

God bless you.

Asia

One does not go to the doctor unless they have a sense of what is wrong.

One thing about self or peer diagnosis is it gives you a starting place to check things out.

Also - I simply mentioned ideas of where some of this ‘stuff’ of the OP’s seemed to fall into - techniques that help those with these diseases can also help others.

 

[Eilish_Maura]

Thaks for kind words.

The problem is, I know I should be grateful… but I can’t.
Isn’t God supposed to be our loving Father?
And Isn’t it parents’ duty to take care of their little child?
I did not ask to be created, after all.
So yes, he owes me. He owes me quite a lot, in fact. He owes me that “love” everyone keeps talking about. Because I don’t believe that parents who neglect their children, who let them starve and suffer, really love them. And I don’t think child should always be grateful to its parents no matter how they behave. Or that child that expects love and fair behaviour, is disrespectful, ungrateful, or commanding its parents.

And that’s the core of my problem. )

I see my “siblings”, my brothers and sisters in Christ, and they’re all overjoyed with everything God gives them, and his kindness. Oh I know jealoussness is not nice, not one of Christian virtues; but anyone who has children, or who works with children, knows that it is unevitable, especially if they feel that another child is favoured.

One would expect God to know it as well, right? Especially if parents’ love is supposed to be just weak reflection of his love…

And you are not whining?

Please show how you are not whining.

 

[asia53]

One does not go to the doctor unless they have a sense of what is wrong.

One thing about self or peer diagnosis is it gives you a starting place to check things out.

Also - I simply mentioned ideas of where some of this ‘stuff’ of the OP’s seemed to fall into - techniques that help those with these diseases can also help others.

If you were trying to get someone to seek help for a physical problem than the above would be true.

Mental health is a whole different realm. You went one step further (from urging the OP to seek professional help) and attempted a diagnosis. Not good!

 

[InLight247]

Thaks for kind words.

The problem is, I know I should be grateful… but I can’t.
Isn’t God supposed to be our loving Father?
And Isn’t it parents’ duty to take care of their little child?
I did not ask to be created, after all.
So yes, he owes me. He owes me quite a lot, in fact. He owes me that “love” everyone keeps talking about. Because I don’t believe that parents who neglect their children, who let them starve and suffer, really love them. And I don’t think child should always be grateful to its parents no matter how they behave. Or that child that expects love and fair behaviour, is disrespectful, ungrateful, or commanding its parents.

And that’s the core of my problem. )

I see my “siblings”, my brothers and sisters in Christ, and they’re all overjoyed with everything God gives them, and his kindness. Oh I know jealoussness is not nice, not one of Christian virtues; but anyone who has children, or who works with children, knows that it is unevitable, especially if they feel that another child is favoured.

One would expect God to know it as well, right? Especially if parents’ love is supposed to be just weak reflection of his love…

Remember the Israelis in the desert? Their ingratitude kept them in the desert for forty years.
It is a journey of twelve days yet they wandered around for forty years and never entered into the Promised Land.

Psalm 100:4-5 tells us to

“Enter His gates with thanksgiving, His courts with praise; Give thanks to Him; bless His name, for He is good; The Lord whose kindness endures forever, and His faithfulness to all generations.”

Not only from the Bible verses, but also by living experiences, we know our thanks and praises bring new blessings to our lives and our complaints bring the opposite. The Israelis did not want to give thanks and praise to the Lord. They thought God owed them.
They kept on complaining and had no gratitude.

Did their attitude do them any good? No!
Did their complaints, their bitterness brought them into the Promised Land? No!
Is there any lesson you can learn from their story?
Think about it………

 

[Eilish_Maura]

If you were trying to get someone to seek help for a physical problem than the above would be true.

Mental health is a whole different realm. You went one step further (from urging the OP to seek professional help) and attempted a diagnosis. Not good!

I have not overstepped any bounds.

It is ok to offer the same kind of suggestions for a physical problem as for a mental health problem.

I did not ‘attempt a dx’ but pointed in a direction to look.

 

[brigid12]

I can see that you are in pain, I’m so sorry and will pray for you.

Try to realize that God loves you very much. Imagine you were the parent of a little child that was having a temper tantrum (and as you may remember as I do, really felt unloved) due to not getting what they wanted when they wanted. You, the parent, would need to give them a “time-out” or whatever discipline you decided in your huge amount of love for your child. The child would have no idea why the parent was doing what they were doing and none of his friends would either, if he/she asked them. Even so, the parent is loving the child very much and it’s not uncommon for the parent to hurt amazingly for the child! (I’'m definitely not saying that God is disciplining you. I/we can have no idea what is the reason for God’s moves!)

In the troublesome times in my life the book of Job, especially the 39th chapter is helpful to me. Essentially, your brothers and sisters in Christ can also only surmise through the Scriptures and the Catechism of the Catholic Church the reasons for His actions. Otherwise we can support you throughout your pain and pray for you. (From what I’ve seen in these forums, InLight posts very Christlike, supportive and loving advice.)

 

[Aiculik]

I should see psychologist?
Why? Is Jesus unable to heal soul? Is he unable to solve problems in our relationship?
Seems you don’t trust him that much, either.

But I *did *go to psychologist.
And what do you think she said to me?
She said that I should accept the fact that there’s no god, that I should free myself from feeling of guilt, responsibility toward anyone but me, and that would release all the anger.
Yeah, great advice, don’t you think?
And you know what?
It *would *be great relief if I could just stop believing.
The problem is, I *can’t *believe there’s no god. I know very well he does exist.

The other psychologist said that I should go to my confessor, because my problem is spiritual, not psychicological.
Another great advice… especially as I’d been doing that for long years before I visited him.

All right, I am whinning. So what? Right now, I don’t have strength for anything else. I’m hurt, I’m desperate, and I’m fed up with pretending I’m good, strong and everything’s just fine, Little Sun (that’s what people in community and neocatechumenate used to call me), always smiling, always encouraging, always so wise, giving great advices to other people (oh I’m really great in theory); real saint of our parish.

Because I’m fully aware I’m just a cripple, I know all my faults and sins, I know that many of those people who ask me for advice are in fact much better Christians than I am; and of course I know I’m ungrateful. Because, you see, for a very long time, I tried to find excuses for God’s obvious ignoracne of my pain; I tried to convince myself it’s all my fault, that it’s because I’m not doing something right. But eventually, I had to accept the truth - though it almost killed me and it’s still terrible pain. Still, it’s better than living in a lie. Truth will set you free, right?

But I’m definitely *not *some ignorant, spoiled brat having a tantrum because daddy refuses to buy him the newest toy. No. Rather, I’m a child who’d been crying and crying and crying for weeks, months, years, untill it finally realised that no, daddy won’t help and now tries to deal with this new, painful discovery - that its daddy obviously doesn’t care.

The only thing that helped a bit was when I found out that Mother Theresa went trough something similar like I do…
So yes, it could be God’s plan for my life, to remain in pain forever, as a test of my faith.
But there’s a huge mistake in his calculation - I’m nowhere as strong as she was.

 

[quiet52]

But when I started to think over about it, I had to admit it was always there, that anger, and despair, and feeling that I’m quite alone, that even God doesn’t really care what happens to me… I just didn’t have the courage to admit it.

Strange thing is, I still want to be a Catholic. I want to believe in God, and trust him, and love him. I just don’t know how to do it.

God doesn’t want us to journey alone.

I’m glad you’re reaching out to your co-pilgrims in this forum – I hope you’ll reach out to others too, not just to provide service and to be loving, but to ask for companionship in your faith journey. We’re all needy, we’re all weak and sinful. We cannot go on alone. Jesus treasures us no matter what, because we’re made in God’s image – but when we stay alone and focus on our imperfection and weakness, it’s easy to feel abandoned and rejected, and to loathe ourselves. It’s important to allow others in our lives, no matter how we might be judging each other. It just doesn’t matter how others judge you – Jesus is the only judge that matters.

Keep looking for the good – in others and in God’s creations, in the situations of your every day life, and in yourself. Perhaps reflect and pray on St. Paul’s letter to the Philippians 4:4-9. Perhaps God is tending to your needs more than you realize. Make a habit of thanking God at least ten times a day for what is good in your life.

Stop having a sense of entitlement – “I will believe and be happy if my life becomes easier.” God gives us the freedom to choose how we respond to whatever happens in our lives. We can choose to be bitter and angry because of our suffering, or we can decide that hardships are inevitable and we can choose to be joyful and loving in spite of them. God never promised us that life would be easy or fair here on earth, but that if we persevere in faithfulness, eternal life would not only be free from suffering, but we would know total joy and unity.

Be patient, be forgiving, be steadfast in your efforts to encounter God. Our faith is not based on lack of suffering or earthly “results” – the attitude “I believe and I love, and therefore my life be easier.” Our faith is not based on our emotions, either, so if you don’t “feel” connected to God, “fake it” and pray anyway, no matter what. Make prayer a discipline, and you will gradually KNOW God’s presence and his abiding love for you. Love your mother and others, even if you don’t have “loving” feelings. You WILL become more hopeful and joyful if you do this. You will remain despairing if you don’t.

 

[bells]

hey there
i have no wise words to offer.
but i know how frustrating it feels when you feel like god has turned his back on you, the invisible wall when you need him so much! and its so frustrating.
i don’t think your whining, you are expressing your pain and anger because you have been through so much! we are after all human.

i guess i can kind of answer your question about why do bad things happen to good people…
it’s not god.
god gave humans free will, yes? we interact with eachother. we make a choice whether to have god in our lives and follow his teaching.
unfortunately many many do not want God.
it sounds to me like … and forgive me if i am getting this wrong and please do not take offence… you believe god is responsible for the pain and anguish humans put eachother through? would that be correct?
god does care. unfortunately it seems to me, and i’m very new to catholicism, part of faith in god is not turning your back on him if things arent going so well. and you haven’t. yo usaid you know there’s a god, you know he exists. i think that’s beautiful! you are a very strong person because many people have fallen away, but despite what you’re going through and ok you’re definately upset by it, you acknowledge there’s a god. its just connecting that seems to be a problem…
if i may ask… what specific things do you want from god? what do you feel like you’re missing out on? what do you think would make everything better?
life is far from perfect, as you know, but what EXACTLY do you want?
you say nobody loves you - this must mean romantically? because i can assure you without ever having met you that you are a wonderful person, an incredibly strong person who has been through so much and has a wealth of understanding. i’m sure if someone was going through what you have gone through you’d be able to help them, having been through such horrid conditions yourself. i imagine many people love you, but you are scared (or something else) and can’t see it because maybe they accept you for who you are, flaws and all, but you can’t.
i hope i haven’t said anything out of line.

 

[TLDenmark]

Dear Aiculik

I am truly sorry to hear about your trials, it must be awful to suffer such doubts and feelings of abandonment. From time to time all of us, or at least the great majority, does of course suffer from such feelings, but few have done so for as long as you. In the end it does however comes down to this, and faith is not feelings but choices of the will.

There is nothing sinful in having feelings of doubt or anger, as long as you do not allow yourself to dwell on our follow such emotions. Remember Mother Theresa, she to felt abandoned during must of her adult life. Despite of this she was an example of holiness to the rest of the world, following Christ in everything. Her dark night became her cross, in this case a cross that would eventually bring her and many others even closer to Christ. Next time you are in mass, refuse to let yourself be ruled by your emotions. Recognize that they are there, and then ignore them. If you can not focus on the readinging and prayers, turn you focus to eternal pray instead. Cry out to God, ask for the intercession of His Holy Mother and the protection of Saint Michael the archangel. The devil will do whatever he can to keep you from the sacraments, but you must not allow the worm to win.

Do not despair; God does indeed love you despite of your feelings. Remember that He sent you His only son, to die for your sins. Every endured insult, beating with the whip and nail in the cross, is a testament to His unending love for you. Also to suffer is not to be hated by God, often the contrary is the case. Many saints have gone in the footsteps of God, many of the have also had to endure extreme suffering. Perhaps you would benefit from a prayerful meditation on the passion of Christ (in particular what Christ must have felt in the garden of Gethsemane). Also I would propose that you keep seeking help in prayer and priestly/spiritual counseling.

You are in my prayers
TL

 

[InLight247]

by Aiculik……… how nobody, ever, has fallen in love with me… nobody seemed to care….

Many well meaning posters from different part of the globe (different States of U.S. Denmark, etc…) have put in kind words, thoughts and prayers for you. If this is not God’s love, what is it? You cannot say nobody cares, you cannot say God just does not care. I am sure you realize that.

Without knowing your specific problem, no one can give you to the point counseling. Even professional counselors cannot help anyone without understanding the client’s specific issue. And counseling is not the purpose of CAF anyway. Online threads are for discussion. Hopefully with open minded and meaningful discussions, one may benefit from others’ experiences, insights, and grow in his own faith.

From your writing, I sensed at least the above quote of yours is one of your major concerns.

It is not easy to find the right person to marry. That is a fact. If you are called to marriage, if you have prayed for many years and the right one has not arrived yet, that does not mean God ignores your plea. It means God’s timing is not there yet. God is either preparing you or preparing your better half, or preparing you both. Until both parties are prepared and ready, it will seem that your prayers are unheard. Everything has a proper time and has a right condition for it to take place. Just like one will not launch an engineering job before he is well trained, no matter how bad he wants the job and how hard he prays. He must finish all the engineering courses and be qualified first. God’s timing is not our timing. God’s answer of “not yet” does not mean “no”. Every prayer is heard and answered. It does not matter how many people have fallen in love with you. If you are called to marriage, you just need one right person. While waiting for that right one, prepare yourself.

It is alright to whine. But after whining and venting, one has to ponder if there is any truth in others’ words, if there is anything one can change and improve; otherwise, all well meaning conversations become a waste.

It is to our own benefit to be humble, obedient, grateful, joyful, and hopeful.
Attitude is everything. Our attitude decides our altitude.

God’s grace is there for everyone. Whether to respond to His grace is up to each individual.