Spiritual direction, masturbation, and confession - input please!

  • Thread starter Thread starter awkward
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

awkward

Guest
This is my first post under this name because I am highly embarrassed but need (name removed by moderator)ut. Please take me seriously.

I am 22 and female. I have masturbated since around age 7. I’ve been struggling to stop for the past few years but only started Confessing it about a year ago. My confessor is my spiritual director. In an attempt to make it clear I’ll give our conversation in dialogue fashion:

Me “I hate going to Confession every month”
Priest “Then don’t go”
Me “If its mortal I have to go”
Priest “Ask God whether you have to go”
Me “God doesn’t speak to me audibly”
Priest “Then listen for other ways”
Me “I don’t trust my ability to listen”
Priest is quiet for a while then asks “Shall we end in prayer”.
We both had places to be and I know it will come up again (we met once a week) so I just said “yes”.

Because I truly hate masturbation, it has been a habit for so many years, and I feel there are much deeper issues than wanting sexual pleasure - I believe it could be that masturbation is not mortal in my case.

Problem is, I’ve fallen to the urge again today and there is no chance for Confession (short of asking minutes before Mass) before the Solemnity of Mary feast day. I don’t know what to do. I want to receive Eucharist because of the sacramental grace, forgiveness, and healing, but I don’t want to desecrate the Body of Christ.
Should I trust it isn’t mortal because my confessor (albeit in the role of spiritual director/pastoral counselor) implied it wasn’t? Or should I try to get a quick Confession before Mass?
 
Mortal sin is a complete rejection of God, given knowledge of the act as sinful and full consent. If you hate masturbation then chances are good that this habitual act occurs during moments of weakness and thus minimizes your culpability. Only you and God know this. No one on this thread will know this and really no one here can tell you whether or not you can receive the Eucharist. With the very limited information given I would lean on the side of caution and get to confession but then again an act of perfect contrition can suffice until you get to reconciliation. Your spiritual director really needs to direct you better in this area since it will be an ongoing struggle for a while. If you do receive the Eucharist I would mention it in confession in the chance that you were in the state of mortal sin. The bottom line is not to be so hard on yourself, utilize the Sacrament of Reconciliation when necessary and trust in God’s infinite mercy and love… God bless… teachccd
 
awkward said:
This is my first post under this name because I am highly embarrassed but need (name removed by moderator)ut. Please take me seriously.

I am 22 and female. I have masturbated since around age 7. I’ve been struggling to stop for the past few years but only started Confessing it about a year ago. My confessor is my spiritual director. In an attempt to make it clear I’ll give our conversation in dialogue fashion:

Me “I hate going to Confession every month”
Priest “Then don’t go”
Me “If its mortal I have to go”
Priest “Ask God whether you have to go”
Me “God doesn’t speak to me audibly”
Priest “Then listen for other ways”
Me “I don’t trust my ability to listen”
Priest is quiet for a while then asks “Shall we end in prayer”.
We both had places to be and I know it will come up again (we met once a week) so I just said “yes”.

Because I truly hate masturbation, it has been a habit for so many years, and I feel there are much deeper issues than wanting sexual pleasure - I believe it could be that masturbation is not mortal in my case.

Problem is, I’ve fallen to the urge again today and there is no chance for Confession (short of asking minutes before Mass) before the Solemnity of Mary feast day. I don’t know what to do. I want to receive Eucharist because of the sacramental grace, forgiveness, and healing, but I don’t want to desecrate the Body of Christ.
Should I trust it isn’t mortal because my confessor (albeit in the role of spiritual director/pastoral counselor) implied it wasn’t? Or should I try to get a quick Confession before Mass?
Click to expand...
Sins against purity are very grievous and always a mortal offense to God.

vanitasvanitatum94.blogspot.com/2009/11/impurity.html
(apologies for the numerous spelling errors)

I honestly think that you should ask your spiritual director outside of Confession about this…I’m not sure though. I think that you shouldn’t receive Holy Communion though, if you’ve committed that…act…before Mass. As always, avoid the near occasions of sin…whenever you feel tempted, have recourse to God.

EDIT: But seriously, you MUST kill this habit or it will drag you to Hell. You can do it, nothing is impossible with the grace of God.
 
Definitely avoid the Eucharist after an offense.

This will only make you weaker in the following period. Get back in the state of grace with a good confession, recieve the Eucharist worthily.

When you feel the temptation, start Eucharistic adoration and pray the rosary at the same time. You will gain strength over time.

If you fail again, just get back on your feet and keep trying. Try to stay in a state of grace as long as possible.

Get a holy water font and mount it in your room. Fill it with holy water. Bless yourself with the sign of the cross using the holy water every evening and when you wake up.

These are a few points. Break the habit.
 
when you are in mortal sin, you do not get graces, you do not merit from any good works, and you lose the merits you previously had until you confess and receive sanctifying grace back.
my priest had a sermon on this a couple months ago, and basically, if you receive the Eucharist in mortal sin, you gain no graces, but instead hurt your soul even more, not by the Eucharist itself, but by the act, it is a sacrilege, and not only is your soul already dead, but you strip it further by committing such a sin, you think it’s hard now to overcome this sin? you will find it even harder if not impossible to fight those temptations the more you sin and especially if you commit a sacrilege.

you may be tired of going to confession, but if you ask me you are not going enough, just once a month? weekly will help you overcome this and all your sins in no time,
how do i know that? i’m 22 years old myself, i went through what you are going through, but i struggled with it since i was a toddler…don’t ask me where a toddler learned of those kinds of things because i don’t even know, but either way, it was a big struggle for me, until i went to confession devoutly, which was around the age of 18, and ever since about 3 years ago, i have not sinned in that way, and have even overcome thoughts of impurity.

devout confession and communion alone will make you a saint, what’s not to love about that? learn to love the sacraments and have a deep hate for sin, and you will overcome this is no time,
also make sure to pray every day, and every time you feel tempted, pray some Hail Marys, or the Saint Michael prayer, or whatever else,
and take up the practice of 3 Hail Marys in the morning and at night for the intentions of purity and holiness…it’s never failed me…

don’t beat yourself up about this though, we should feel sorrow for our sins and regret, but to feel sorry for ourselves or despaired, that is our pride, and it’s one of the things the devil uses against us to keep us from confession.
you just need to be patient with yourself, and take this a day at a time, don’t worry about tomorrow, live each day as your last and always keep death before your eyes, also remember Jesus crucified, when you feel tempted, picture Jesus on the cross, or being scourged, the scourging is what Jesus went through for our sins of impurity, so think about that to…
i know how you feel, i know you want to overcome this more than anything, but you need to pick yourself up every time you fall, that is all God asks, even if you suffer this your whole life, God will be pleased with you just because you never gave up…
but i’m sure you will overcome this, it feels like a long time, but life is so short…just be patient and always ask God for help…

in regards to you being told you don’t have to go to confession…that is bad advice, we should go to confession whether we have mortal sins on our soul or not, confession gives us the grace to overcome all of our faults, and you cannot receive sanctifying grace back without it.
and really it cannot hurt you at all to confess even when you are unsure of something, but you have so much to be afraid of if you are in the state of mortal sin and then who knows when you will die?

well…i’ll be praying for you, i know how depressing and hard this can be, but i also know personally it can be overcome, so be persistent and don’t worry, God has given you the grace to want to overcome this, and He will see you through the rest of the way as well.

ok, hope this helps you, tc bye bye.
 
You need to root out the habit of slowly giving in to temptation by doing spiritual reading or listening when temptations come. I suspect that you think about this problem constantly and that’s how satan is able to convince you that you can’t get rid of it. Go to audiosancto.org and browse the sermons on purity or temptation (here’s a great one called “Spiritual Flyswatters”, which has some very effective binding prayers). When you’re immersed in holy things, your mind will be preoccupied with them. Quit thinking about how sinful you are now (there’s plenty of time for that) and think about how holy you’re meant to become. DO NOT despair when people tell you it’s always a mortal sin. That’s for your confessor to decide, and whether you like it or not, the Holy Spirit speaks through him in the sacrament of reconciliation. Go every week, presumably on Saturday, confess all, make a sincere act of contrition (which must involve a firm purpose of amendment) and then stay for mass, so you can receive the Lord without any doubts. The sacraments are the cure.

God made you to be holy, so ask for purity, pray to Our Lady and St. Maria Goretti, make novenas, and He will gladly answer your prayers. But you must make the effort, not wallow in your misery. That’s false humility and there’s nothing that satan would like more than to keep you in that state. If you want to get rid of the darkness in your life, you must turn on the light. There’s no valid procedure for sucking out the darkness out of a room of your soul without turning on the light of Christ. When temptation comes (those thoughts that you habitually allow), that’s your cue to grab the rosary, make the sign of the cross, and pray. Don’t let it get to the point where you know you’ll give in.
 
Thanks for the replies.
I’ll ask the priest to hear my confession quick before Mass on the feast day. I can’t even make it to my own parish because of car troubles, so I don’t know the priest I’ll be asking. If he won’t or can’t hear it, I won’t receive - I go to Mass with my dad so that will be about the most awkward situation I can imagine. But I decided a year ago that I won’t let my relationship with anyone get in the way of my relationship with God, so he’ll just have to wonder if the situation comes to that.

As for fighting temptation . . . it comes and goes. There is a pattern to it, the problem is I never know where along the line I will fall. Sometimes its weeks, sometimes only days. Temptation is worse when I first wake up before I get out of bed (often before I am even fully awake). Sometimes my mind goes straight to prayer, other times I seem to make excuses to sin. But every time I resolve that I won’t do it even up to the moment that I do. I even feel horrible and wonder how to get to Confession during the actual act (which makes me wonder if I’m guilty of presumption).

Thinking of Christ’s suffering can make temptation worse for me because I’ve struggled with despair. I like the idea of putting a holy water font in my room. I do pray whenever the temptation arises and I don’t let it occupy my mind.

Please pray for me. I feel my prayers are useless when in mortal sin (not that I don’t pray but that I can’t imagine why God would grant anything I ask).
 
awkward said:
Please pray for me. I feel my prayers are useless when in mortal sin (not that I don’t pray but that I can’t imagine why God would grant anything I ask).
Click to expand...
I used to feel the same way but a priest told me that God always hears our prayers and answers them. He said that if He didn’t then there would be no way to say “I’m sorry”. The very Sacrament of Reconciliation is a prayer that God hears when we are in mortal sin. I will definitely pray for you as I would like for you to do for me. Our God is awesome and loving. Sometimes I think that we are harder on ourselves than He is. Not a bad thing since it keeps us in check but also not a good thing if we stop talking to Him… God bless… teachccd 🙂
 
awkward said:
Temptation is worse when I first wake up before I get out of bed (often before I am even fully awake).
Click to expand...
Then may I respectfully suggest that you cultivate a habit of immediately getting out of the bed in the morning when you wake up? If you could do that, you would be instilling a good habit that would help displace a bad habit. The other advice people have offered here regarding prayer and patience and frequent confession and use of sacramentals I’m sure will be helpful, too, if followed with persistence.

I’ll say a prayer for you. Please say one for me - I have my own struggles.
 
I would suggest that you go to confession every week or at least every two weeks. Our pastor encourages this. Pray the Rosary every day and ask our Blessed Lady to help you overcome this habit.
It is a mortal sin
Ask God and the Holy Spirit to help you also.
When you are tempted just say Come Holy Spirit. Sweet MOther of the Infant Jesus Help me to fight satan and his helpers. Have mercy on me a sinner. MY Lord and My God.

God and his Blessed Mother will help you
By going freequently to confession you are keeping yourself in Grace which will help you.

I will pray for you.

Antrim
 
Only a very tiny percent of the population between the age of 14 and 60 is completely inactive sexually. This means that nearly everyone in that age range experience deliberate sexual release in one form or another. In single people it is either pre-marital sex or masturbation.
Among those singles the frequency can be once per year or twice per day. It is extremely important for you to know that you are not alone!

I do believe that the primary purpose God gave us our sexual capacity and desire to bring forth children in marriage. The problem with masturbation is that it can isolate and send one into him-herself and keep you from developing intimate relationships (not necessarily sexual) later on. Sometimes people get involved in far more dangerous behaviors later on like sexual promiscuity, pornography, criminal behavior. Our sexuality needs to be controlled.

Ease up on yourself a bit. Clean up the things in your life that you have control over. Pray every day and do your best to avoid impure company.

Read Romans chapter seven and you will see how the apostle Paul struggled with sin in his life. Read how he was deeply saddened for “doing the very things he hated” You sound a lot like him! This is a clear sign that your heart is in the right place sweety.

Masturbation is a sin, but don’t let the guilt from this particular sin consume you! It’s one of Satan’s strategies to hurt us by getting us to take our eye off the ball. The problem is the sin that lives within every single one of us. I’ve found that it’s very important to focus your repentence on other sins that may be present in your life as well. You’ll soon find that you will be stumbling on this one less often!
 
PhanxicoXavier said:
Sins against purity are very grievous and always a mortal offense to God.
Click to expand...
No they are not and the Church does not teach this. The Church teaches that three conditions must be met for a sin to be “mortal”: “For a sin to be mortal, three conditions must together be met: “Mortal sin is sin whose object is grave matter and which is also committed with full knowledge and deliberate consent.””(CCC 1857)

Sins against purity are grievous. But they are not always mortal.

Please stick to Catholic teaching. The OP is already feeling guilt, no need to make her feel worse.
 
teachccd said:
I used to feel the same way but a priest told me that God always hears our prayers and answers them. He said that if He didn’t then there would be no way to say “I’m sorry”. The very Sacrament of Reconciliation is a prayer that God hears when we are in mortal sin. I will definitely pray for you as I would like for you to do for me. Our God is awesome and loving. Sometimes I think that we are harder on ourselves than He is. Not a bad thing since it keeps us in check but also not a good thing if we stop talking to Him… God bless… teachccd 🙂
Click to expand...
I never looked at it quite that way . . . it makes a lot of sense - thanks. I will pray for you.
Speramus said:
Then may I respectfully suggest that you cultivate a habit of immediately getting out of the bed in the morning when you wake up? . . .
I’ll say a prayer for you. Please say one for me - I have my own struggles.
Click to expand...
Thank you for actually saying it - I have considered the need for such a habit but being self-employed I don’t have to be up at any specific time, so this is very difficult for me. I will work much harder at getting up immediately.

I will pray for you.
Antrim said:
I would suggest that you go to confession every week or at least every two weeks. Our pastor encourages this. Pray the Rosary every day and ask our Blessed Lady to help you overcome this habit.
It is a mortal sin
Ask God and the Holy Spirit to help you also.
When you are tempted just say Come Holy Spirit. Sweet MOther of the Infant Jesus Help me to fight satan and his helpers. Have mercy on me a sinner. MY Lord and My God.

God and his Blessed Mother will help you
By going freequently to confession you are keeping yourself in Grace which will help you.
I will pray for you.
Antrim
Click to expand...
When the mess of car problems I’ve been having are sorted, I plan on going to daily Mass as often as possible and more frequent Confession will be a possibility. I do need to call on the Lord and our Blessed Mother more. Thank you for the prayers.

FiberZilla

Thank you for your words of encouragement and wisdom.
OraLabora said:
No they are not and the Church does not teach this. The Church teaches that three conditions must be met for a sin to be “mortal”: “For a sin to be mortal, three conditions must together be met: “Mortal sin is sin whose object is grave matter and which is also committed with full knowledge and deliberate consent.””(CCC 1857)

Sins against purity are grievous. But they are not always mortal.

Please stick to Catholic teaching. The OP is already feeling guilt, no need to make her feel worse.
Click to expand...
Thanks - doesn’t CCC 2352 say that culpability may be lessened or even taken to a minimum due to various factors. I’m not saying culpability is lessened or minimum in my case - everyone here seems to think I’m very much in mortal sin - but can’t my Confessor decide that it is?
 
awkward said:
Thanks - doesn’t CCC 2352 say that culpability may be lessened or even taken to a minimum due to various factors. I’m not saying culpability is lessened or minimum in my case - everyone here seems to think I’m very much in mortal sin - but can’t my Confessor decide that it is?
Click to expand...
Yes, that is best determined with the help of your confessor or spiritual director (both the same person I gather in your case?), along with your well-formed conscience.

It could be that using your well-formed conscience is what your confessor was awkwardly trying to tell you to do. But it might be best to ask him for clearer direction.

Masturbation is very addictive. Maybe even more so than alcohol. Addiction certainly lessens culpability though it doesn’t change the objective nature of the fault.

But it doesn’t mean we should never try to beat the addiction, and regular confession is just one item from the spiritual toolbox to do that. How frequent is up to you and your confessor to decide and with his help you can also select other appropriate tools from the spiritual toolbox to help you, such as a form of prayer that works for you.

Please however, don’t let those here who think you"re in a state of mortal sin get to you. It is not up to them to make that determination.
 
I finally accepted the strength/courage to call my Confessor.
The conversation went like this

Me “Can I ask you something as my Confessor?”
Priest “Sure.”
Expected pause (I hate talking on the phone under ideal circumstances which this isn’t - thankfully my priest knows this)
Me “Is masturbation mortal sin in my case?”
Priest “I don’t believe so”
Me “So I’m okay to receive Eucharist tomorrow”
Priest “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you but I sure need too!”
Me “Exactly”

I will speak more to him about this (we tried to arrange our next visit but because of car troubles I can’t make it to our parish this week).

I was shaking with relief and thanksgiving after I hung up. Praise to you Lord Jesus Christ. Thank you for standing by my side during my darkest hour.

I know I have a difficult and long struggle ahead of me and I thank you all for your advice and prayers.

Lord please bless these your faithful. Give them strength in battle. Stand by their side as you stand by my side. To you Lord be the glory, honor, and praise!
 
I’m struggling with this sin as well, and it is really a miserable thing. I think it started around 4 years old and i’m 20 now. I went to confession the other day and the priest told me that masturbation is only the devil’s jab, the knockout punch is despair. I always feel a lot better after confession, but like you its usually only a matter of time before i fall, sometimes days, never less than a few weeks. I sometimes start walking or moving to commit the act without telling myself to, my body sort of goes on autopilot while my mind is saying no, and I always pray against it before I do it but its just too much, the prayer is pushed out of my head, and I always feel terrible afterwards. I don’t do it for fun.
The worst part about it for me is that in the worst case scenario it will lead me back to a drink or some other drug. With help I have managed to stay away from other addictions, but that is pretty much because I’m now surrounded by people that have had the same problem as I did in that regard and they showed me the way out. I’m trying to practice the principles I learned from them on this but going it alone doesn’t seem to work. I talk to my confessor about it whenever I go to confession and he tells me not to focus on it, or just don’t think about it, but I don’t know how to do that when my body sometimes starts moving on its own and my mind is taken over by this thing. I know it is possible with God’s help to overcome this though, because I am recovering from a more physically destructive addiction that was virtually impossible for me to overcome on my own, so don’t give up hope!
I think for me it has a lot to do with self-centeredness, because that is what i’ve learned in regard to my other addiction, that my self-will is what has warped me. Something I am going to be working on soon that I sincerely hope will help me overcome this thing is an examination of my entire live guided by a spiritual advisor, pretty much like a prelude to a general confession. I hope it turns out that shining some light on the darkness within me will drive it away.
The way this has been explained to me is that I will look at all of my resentments, fears, sex history, and generally all my interactions will people, and my interior behavior (thoughts and emotions) and look for selfishness, self seeking, self pity, pride, lust and the other 7 deadly sins in each situation. Basically I will actually know who I am afterwards. My friend said also that I should made a list of my assets as well so i don’t get depressed. The next step after making the list for me is taking it to my spiritual director, then spend some time making myself as willing as possible to have these things removed from me, and then finally asking God to remove them. It was pointed out that after this I should not ‘work’ on my flaws, that I have given them to God, and therefore any effort I make is only cooperating with God’s grace, and all the success is His. I will let you know how this goes after I have completed it, i should be done in about a month, but I really think it is going to work. It has for everyone else who I know that has done it. I’ll say a prayer for you and would ask that you say one for me, so that I do this work well and finally overcome this behavior. Thank you and may God bless you!
 
Here is a good site where you can download inventory worksheets, there at the bottom of the page step12.com/step-4.html There are five of them and this is the one i’m going to use. I think in the “what part of self has this effected” category it might be a good idea to include whichever of the 7 deadly sins aren’t there, I’ve read other resources that say this is a good idea. And it was told to me that it is important to write this stuff down and not just go over it in my head. Also I know someone who used a list regarding the 10 commandments which i want to do in the future but i’m not sure where you could get one, but i’m just going to do this for now. I hope this helps!

Oh, one other important thing that has helped me- don’t think of giving up your addiction forever, because that can be a frightening and discouraging thought, as in " how am I going to keep this up for the rest of my life?!" But instead think of just getting through today, or one more hour, or the next two minutes. It has gotten me through some tough times.
 
There has been a lot learned about the neurological system since the time the church formulated her teachings on sexuality (including masturbation). There is an entire pharmacy of hormones and neurotransmitters effecting our desires and behaviors that should never be ignored when it comes to finding out why we do the things we do.

Dopamine, testosterone, estrogen, acetylcholine, nitric oxide, serotonine, and norepinephrine all play a part in what is going on with us sexually. This cocktail of natural chemicals within our bodies begins to brew well before puberty. Masturbation often begins at puberty and is a self reinforcing behavior due to the extremely intense physical reward of climax. Neurologists often will state that the only thing that even comes close in so called “addictive” quaity is crack cocaine. This explains why a masturbation habit is so hard to break, especially for someone who is single or in a marriage where the physical intimacy is suffering. The paradox is that the masturbation can and usually does cause the physical intimacy problems in marriage to worsen!

Because these body chemicals are always present, our sexual engine is always running no matter how good our intentions. Thankfully it’s usually running at idle most of the time and we can distract ourselves. But anything can trigger more fuel (neurotransmitter activity) being dumped into the engine. A pretty girl at the checkout counter can kick things up a bit. Then a racy commercial on TV later in the day. For women, it might be the sound of a warm male voice or romantic story in a novel. Viewing pornography mainly but not exclusively for men is like stomping the accelerator to the floor and masturbation is almost inevitable. For men, pornography is like nuclear rocket fuel for sexual response. It’s very dangerous.

We need to understand what we are facing, but this does not give us a free pass to endulge ourselves. Masturbation is still a sin. As followers of Christ, the best strategy is to flee immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18) The apostle Paul knew what he was talking about! This means avoiding the things that can provoke a sexual response. The tricky part is that this can easily occur long before we are even aware of it. Rather than expecting perfection in our repentance, mere progress may be the most prudent short term objective.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top