Spiritual emptyness

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rivera01

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Hi everyone, I really need help with a problem I am having. I would like to start off by giving some history of my current situation and what it is that I am trying to accomplish.

When I was about 17, I started being really active in church, going to healing mass and attended some youth retreats, going to mass every sunday, all this thanks to my wife; at the time girlfriend. I felt this spirtual pureness, and I honestly felt clothed in it. I don’t know if any of you have ever felt this, but this is how I felt before. I was happy and felt a very close relationship with God. I read the bible daily, prayed and fasted alot. I felt different and happy. Then I lost that pureness, I did a really stupid mistake that cost me what I had gained. I’d rather not talk about what happened. Lets just say that I have confessed my sin. Even though I commited this sin, I really didnt fall away from the faith. But my life was different, I felt empty inside, even though I attended prayer group, read the bible, and attended mass. I got married and this feeling didnt change. I felt that something was missing within me. I was living in Los Angeles at the time, and I was on fire for the faith. I was reading alot and getting to study the faith. I really got hooked on apologetics. I was growing alot, but that emptyness was still there. My wife and I came back to Arizona, and things just got worse, with my relationship with God and with my marriage. We stopped attending mass and attending any type of church group. This went on for almost 5 years.

Now my marriage is in shambles. My wife has filed for divorce, because of the way that I started to treat her when we came to Arizona. I neglected her, I was really selfish, and didnt meet her needs. I would put her down alot, and didnt give her the support she needed with herself and the kids. I fell in to depression, and thought about ending my life lots of times because of what was happening in my life. During the last 5 years, I have had a skiddish relationship with God. In the difficult times, I would look for Him to help, then I would stop looking for Him. Now I am determined to stay and remain loyal to Him. It’s been a month that I have started going to mass every Sunday, I pray the rosary everyday and read the bible. I have followed the lenten requirements, but the emptyness is still there. I long to feel that pureness, that joy and wholeness I felt when I was younger. Even though that my relationship with God has changed and I am having a better relationship with Him, I still feel this. I try not to pay too much attention to it because I want my main focus to be Him in my life, to do what He wants me to do. I dont let depression get a hold of me, because I am hopefull that things may change with God and my wife. I know that He can work wonders, and I am ready to face whatever shows up in my life because I have the Lord. I have gone to confession, fasted, taken communion, but what am I missing? How can i feel whole again?
 
You may be feeling guilt. Offer yourself, all your worries and sins, cares and hopes, prayers and works, and your will to Jesus. Throw yourself into His Sacred Heart with complete trust in He who will take care of you, your sanctiification, and your salvation, He who will not let the devil harm or let any evil behalf unless He permits it for your greater good (think of the Passion: the greatest evil imaginable brought the greatest good imaginable), He who wills to have mercy on you even more than you will to ask Him for mercy.

You also may be feeling a call to the priesthood. Talk to your pastor about this.
 
Keep up what you are doing. I go through periods of spiritual good feelings and then periods of dryness all the time. I feel a special closeness to God when I go to daily Mass. Unfortunately, I can only do this during vacation. Sigh. But I keep on trying. I don’t think we are meant to feel all good, all the time. Maybe in heaven…
 
rivera01 said:
Hi everyone, I really need help with a problem I am having. I would like to start off by giving some history of my current situation and what it is that I am trying to accomplish.

When I was about 17, I started being really active in church, going to healing mass and attended some youth retreats, going to mass every sunday, all this thanks to my wife; at the time girlfriend. I felt this spirtual pureness, and I honestly felt clothed in it. I don’t know if any of you have ever felt this, but this is how I felt before. I was happy and felt a very close relationship with God. I read the bible daily, prayed and fasted alot. I felt different and happy. Then I lost that pureness, I did a really stupid mistake that cost me what I had gained. I’d rather not talk about what happened. Lets just say that I have confessed my sin. Even though I commited this sin, I really didnt fall away from the faith. But my life was different, I felt empty inside, even though I attended prayer group, read the bible, and attended mass. I got married and this feeling didnt change. I felt that something was missing within me. I was living in Los Angeles at the time, and I was on fire for the faith. I was reading alot and getting to study the faith. I really got hooked on apologetics. I was growing alot, but that emptyness was still there. My wife and I came back to Arizona, and things just got worse, with my relationship with God and with my marriage. We stopped attending mass and attending any type of church group. This went on for almost 5 years.

Now my marriage is in shambles. My wife has filed for divorce, because of the way that I started to treat her when we came to Arizona. I neglected her, I was really selfish, and didnt meet her needs. I would put her down alot, and didnt give her the support she needed with herself and the kids. I fell in to depression, and thought about ending my life lots of times because of what was happening in my life. During the last 5 years, I have had a skiddish relationship with God. In the difficult times, I would look for Him to help, then I would stop looking for Him. Now I am determined to stay and remain loyal to Him. It’s been a month that I have started going to mass every Sunday, I pray the rosary everyday and read the bible. I have followed the lenten requirements, but the emptyness is still there. I long to feel that pureness, that joy and wholeness I felt when I was younger. Even though that my relationship with God has changed and I am having a better relationship with Him, I still feel this. I try not to pay too much attention to it because I want my main focus to be Him in my life, to do what He wants me to do. I dont let depression get a hold of me, because I am hopefull that things may change with God and my wife. I know that He can work wonders, and I am ready to face whatever shows up in my life because I have the Lord. I have gone to confession, fasted, taken communion, but what am I missing? How can i feel whole again?
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I recommend a good book called Arise From Darkness: When Life Doesn’t make Sense by Father Benedict Groeschel.
Also Healing Through the Mass by Father Robert DeGrandis.
 
I don’t know if you can find some inspiration in these words of St Pio…

“Pray that God will console you when you feel the burden of the Cross, for in doing so you are not acting against the will of God, but you are placing yourself beside the Son of God who asked His Father during the Agony in the Garden to send Him some relief. But if He is not willing to give it, be ready to pronounce the same ‘fiat’ that Jesus did.” ‘fiat’ is basically, ‘Thy will be done’]“When least you are expecting to be liberated, Jesus, who cannot bear to keep you long in affliction, will come and relieve and comfort you, giving you new courage.”

“He is the Father of all; He is so in a very special manner for the unhappy.” “The Cross will not crush you; if its weight makes you stagger, its power will also sustain you.” “What does it matter whether Jesus wishes to guide you to heaven by the way of the desert or by the fields, so long as you get there by one way or the other? Put away excessive worrying which results from trials by which the good Lord has desired to test you; and if this is not possible resign yourself to the divine will.”

“Humility and purity are the wings which carry us to God.” “Where there is no obedience, there is no virtue.” “Sin against charity is like piercing God in the pupil of the eye.”
 
Thank you for your replies everyone. Now that you have mentioned it, when I went to a youth retreat a priest asked all of us if there was someone who felt the call to the priesthood. I actually felt it, but was afraid to say that I did, because I was very much in love with my wife. I didnt stand up, then when we were living in Los Angeles, there was a deacon that came our parish. I talked to him and I felt that this was something that I would like to do. Although Euchatisted did mention a call to the priesthood, I do not think that this is possible since I am married, at least for the time being. The only way I can see that this may happen is if I go into an eastern rite, but I honestly dont know. At this point in my life, I want to chnage the wrongs that I have done to my wife. I have accomplished changing the attitude and selfishness that once was with me. She has noticed a change, but things are still rocky. Right now I am relying on God to make a change in my life. I was super inspired when I saw Fireproof, and I want to go buy the book. I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage. She knows that the things I am doing are to give her a good example. I truly feel that she needs to see a genuine change completly in order for her to realize that things can work out. This is something I have felt since my marriage has gotten to a bad start.

I have another question. When you attend Eucharistic Adoration, what do you do to hear our Lord talk to you?
 
I had hope. Today after my last post I found out that she has been having an affair with an ex-coworker. I havent told her that I forgive her, but this is what I feel. I dont know what to feel at this moment. I feel forsaken.
 
I wish I had something more constructive to offer than this post. 😦

Unfortunately I’m unmarried and as my internet name suggests I’m kinda new at the whole Catholicism thing too. I suppose if I was in your place I’d seek as much help as I could from friends, family, the Church, and possibly legal counsel as well. It would be flippant to say that there’s always hope in every situation (Trishie’s fiat is particularly wise in this instance), yet it behooves us to explore every avenue available and to take every blessing as they present themselves. In other words, if there’s any worth remaining in this relationship even in the face of adultery, then do what you can to see things through. Barring that, take care of yourself and your own well-being; this includes your spirituality.

Hope this helps… :o
 
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