I appreciate all the prayers I can get, what i find discouraging is after going through some sessions with a psychologist,the opposite to the lonelyness is putting oneself out in the public, so for me it is two fold doing so, it is apart of discernment / formation towards a religious life, it is in part to see Christ working in others and encounter Christ in others by serving them, and to break the pain that has damaged me. An all I see is that I could spend a ton of money on therapists and still feel lonely, I can keep putting myself out into the public and say here I am, call me, and wait for a call that never comes. OR I can start a metamorphis and stop worrying about who will be my friend, who will listen to me an my worries… and start learning how to better follow Christ and pursue this journey i have embarked on till i get a clear answer from someone. I must say this has been a terrible process for me, I have gotten absolutely no answers from anyone so far that I should be getting answers from an at the very least guidance, and when i press issues that are deeply concerning to me I get blank stares and no answers. Vague replies at best and then i get brushed off… This from the very people i admire and just want to spend more time with. Basically they are just too busy.
Or I get told in no particular way that i talk to much, just look at any of my threads an you can see the length of my dialoge. I am so deprived of contact and socializing with people on a daily basis that when i do get to talk to anyone it can be overwhelming for me an them so i have to curb my enthusiasm so i dont scare anyone away. Just reminds me of an author who writes a novel, a story, starts with once upon a time, middle of the story is a love an conflict, then a solution an conclusion and the end. I could put all my worries and problems down very easy, but how does that express what i really feel. An then when people do reply to me that i depend on for real guidance, to be brushed off in a reply an how so… to get a short two sentence reply to a good two or three paragraphs that doesn’t even touch on anything i wrote about that concerns me, not only hurts me but tells me the person really isn’t interested, is too busy, or just doesn’t know pick which ever i would at least appreciate the truth to be told to me in any case.
Then to be invited out to socialize after a group meeting by a person, feels great, but then to barely be engaged by that person really makes me wonder why i was invited in the first place… when i do contribute to the conversations but no one ever really probes into who i am or asks me anythin significant that really indicates they are interested in who i am. An i want to ask why do you keep inviting me.
So i how do i combat the lonlieness ? Through Adoration, I can not sleep at night when it is my scheduled early early morning to be with Christ, i try to sleep but i barely do, there is this anticipation of worrying about oversleeping which i never do, an i have a prayer partner who relies on me an we are glad to see each other as well.
A very soothing hour for me, where i just dump it all out, and not even dumping things out it is really a dialoge like no other in this time of prayer, where i am not ignored at all. I see how much i have to give of myself that it is probably just too much for one person to handle, an thus the Church comes into play, it really is the perfect fit. my wanting is out weighed by what i truly need. An i cant not fathom how i could possibly turn away from something i need, how i need the Church and how I need Christ. The trials an i guess growing pains, the struggles that comes with a religious vocation i know i can handle, I took the worst the military had to offer, and my faith got me through such a distant nightmare now being 13 yrs the pain is still there. An i could say i am way too damaged to enter into a religious life or i could see how strong my faith is and how maybe this is exactly where i am supposed to be… perception, is the glass half full or empty… An just when i think i dont really matter, Christ opens up a door an shoves me right through to encounter people an situations i never saw coming. An i make a difference. So if I am lonely for a few hours a night because the rest of the world goes to sleep, then i guess i just have to sacrafice those hours, an be patient. So it is either in this lonliness i can stay introverted an not talk to anyone and suffer, or i can talk to everyone and seek the Love that Christ is and has to offer. An if we don’t talk if we curb or trim down what we really want to say and hold back then who is that helping. Especially if you cant say what you need to say in one paragraph versus what i have here. I couldnt say this any quicker than i have now. an if i did it would be misinterpreted.
