Spiritual OCD and motherhood

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taye

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I don’t know how to be a good mother / spiritual leader as someone who struggles with scrupulosity. To make matters worse, I also suffer from another type of mental illness…

Several of my immediate family members have left the Church. I don’t know how to deal with the heartache of knowing that they may never be worthy of heaven. I’m having a hard time following the Church’s teachings in some areas and I really don’t feel good about my odds as it is. How do I live, with even some joy in my heart, knowing what I know?

Then, some of my children are still open to God. Only I can talk to them about God, except that I can’t. Just thinking about talking to them about important topics (like sexual morality, mortal sin and hell) I get extremely anxious. I am ironically avoiding the hot-button topics which are likely to send them into hell… I don’t know why I’m so terrified of this, maybe on a subconscious level, I’m afraid that they’ll leave the Church too after hearing this stuff. I have an inordinate fear of being abandoned and rejected by others, and I’m terrified of having anoher family member leaving the Church. Sundays are so lonely when you’re surrounded by happy ‘complete’ families all around you - and you wish you could just disappear.

I love my children so dearly, and it is a horrible thing for me to say, but I must. I wish I knew how things would have ended up for me - I would never have had married and had children. Living in the middle of an unbelieving family is worse than being completely alone - and I feel responsible in a big way for their separation. I feel that I have brought them into this world just to send them into hell and that I will also be likewise punished :(.
 
taye said:
I don’t know how to be a good mother / spiritual leader as someone who struggles with scrupulosity. To make matters worse, I also suffer from another type of mental illness
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You start by getting professional help for your own me mental health.
 
This!!
I grew up with a mentally ill mother and really, religion aside, caring for your health is the most important. It took me years to differ between her worried look on religion and actual teaching. I do love my mother dearly, but her focus really should have been more on her health than on misunderstood doctrine.
Maybe find a good sunday class for your children?
 
During the pre-flight instructions, passengers are instructed that in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will deploy and that they are to first place those masks over their own nose and mouth before attempting to help others.

Sounds like your situation might be like that…
 
I’ve been in therapy for over two years now. I’ve tried medication and keep experiencing bad side effects. Wish those things would help me…
 
As everyone else said, continue to seek the help you need for your mental health.

Some other things I thought while reading your post:
  1. Force yourself to learn more about this “hot-button” topics that are causing you such despair under the guidance of someone who can help you fend off despair. Once you have learned enough about what the church says on these topics you might be able to discuss them more comfortably with your kids.
  2. Just keep praying for your fallen away family members. A lot of fallen away Catholics do return home to the church.
  3. Reading Redemtoris Mater really helped my relationship with Mary, which in turn helped me worry less about my childrens’ souls. That kind of worry can be downright paralizing.
  4. See if there is a Catholic Mom’s group in your area. The one at my church has been a huge life saver and they take all kinds, no judgement because everyone is on their own faith journey. Having other Catholic moms to tell you you aren’t alone can be huge. We have some moms in our group with mental illnesses. Some single moms. Some moms who are considering but not so sure about Catholicism.
  5. In confession, our priest says the same thing every time I’m confessing my mom-sins. Nobody is born knowing how to be a mother. Everyone is trying to figure it out. Ask Our Lady and the Holy Spirit for help.
 
Taye, something a church elder told me over 30 years ago and has saved my sanity was, if you have a problem first try fixing it yourself, and if you can’t do it on your own, just have faith and hand it over to GOD. Have faith in God to lead you to the answer or fix. It might not be the answer or fix you were wanting, but it was what God wanted you to have.

Cute story, when son was young he would hear me proclaim, I can’t fix this I will hand it over to GOD and he will lead me to the answer. One day son was really testing my patients as I was his. Sent him to his room to think things over, he came out and proclaimed Mom I can’t fix you I am giving you to GOD to fix. I about died from laughter. Funny thing about it, with all that Laughter, the frustration was fixed as we were laughing so hard the tension melted away.

Good luck, you got this and what you don’t hand it over to GOD he will help you. Prayers for you and your family.
 
Thanks for all the good advice everyone.

I came to an important realization today. As much as I try to keep away from liberalism (a trigger for me), I can’t avoid it completely. While I respectfully disagree with this view of things, I can’t help but feel ashamed of my beliefs. I never really understood where this feeling was coming from. It finally dawned on me - the reason that I probably feel this way is because I spent a whole decade of my life being severely bullied. I was very different from my peers and made to feel very inadequate for who I was. I learned to cope by hiding or pretending to be someone else. Those were not good coping strategies, obviously. Being ‘different’ by being Catholic and living differently than most other people just mentally brought me back to the days when I was alone in the schoolyard.

When feeling shameful, the first line of action is often silence, which is not effective. To counter the shame, I need to do the opposite- speak up. So, I’ve had a couple difficult discussions with my loved ones. One turned out well, the other ended with me in tears. I wish this stuff didn’t trigger me so much. It’s a start… I can’t keep living like this, a closet Catholic who only comes out to go to Mass on Sunday because it’s my “duty”.

Anyway, I’m going to confession tomorrow to ask for forgiveness and the strength to let God help me through this. I keep trying to go through this alone, so that I can puff up my ego. It isn’t working - these issues are bigger than me and my therapist.
 
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And no more going it alone. Throw yourself into parish life. Find those other moms and let them love you through this! ❤️ I’m praying you don’t have to find them, that they find you.
 
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