It seems like I’ve fallen into some sort of religious oblivion that is becoming frightening. I am constantly having blasphemous and evil thoughts that I have dismissed as temptaions and shun them almost as soon as they appear. Although this helps, they don’t go away completely and are so constant in daily life, I sometimes don’t even notice when they appear and just slur ‘satanbegone’ It seem like I’m saying this more than ‘help mr Lord’. The thing is, when I try to pray, I sometimes get these thoughts and anonnoyed/angry feelings. I try praying the St. Micheal prayer but the same thing happens sometimes. When these thoughts don’t pop up, it sometimes feels like me prayers are just empty words. I’ll pray and forget what I was saying. It has been a while since I’ve ‘talked’ to God, I usually just say traditional prayers or the Rosary, which often feel very empty on my part. I remind myself of God’s love and mercy but it just doesn’t seem to sink in. I feel very indifferent towards many things and have an overall dazed feeling. I often just want to drop everything and leave in order to get my head straight. I feel an uneasiness about God and my religion that I really don’t like, a very lax and indiffernt feeling. Before, I was very scrupulous (still rather am) and strove to make sure that what I was doing wasn’t a sin. Now, I just assume every nagging as my scrupules and just do the thing. Even though I’m pretty sure these things weren’t sins, I still wonder if they are and began to worry but then I just assume it’s my scruples again and forget. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that has been going on for months now. It helps being around my friends and family but sometimes, I just want to leave and be alone. At the moment, I feel spiritually and emotionally drained. I just want to escape to somewhere quiet and find God and pray, really pray not just constant ‘satanbegones’.
It could have been me writing your post, S_V7. I have struggled with almost exactly the same issues, in the same ways, as you have described. In my case it is due primarily, I believe, to having lived a very worldly life for a very long time before being brought into the Church.
I don’t have any silver bullets for you. I’ve picked up some concepts along the way, and I can share those, but I believe the best thing you could do for yourself is to talk to a priest you trust, either in confession or outside the sacrament.
Now, for those few concepts that have helped me at various times in this struggle. Jesus Christ is faithful. He understands things about us that we don’t even understand about ourselves. You can trust Him to love you and forgive you, no matter what your failures, as long as you don’t push Him out of your life.
I believe that at least some of the struggles I have had were the result of spiritual influences. I believe that. But I also know that not all were. The reality I had to come face to face with was that after many years of rebellion against God, guess what? I had a truly rebellious, defiant, and arrogant heart! How many times did I actually become a god to myself, instead of letting God be God in my life? Only He knows the answer to that.
Remember when you were a kid? I don’t know what kind of childhood you had, but many of us were quite rebellious, and our rebellion, manifested as it was toward our parents, was often angry, violent, and even vulgar. Sound familiar? Most of us, in some way or the other, want things our way. Often we mask this with pious actions, behavior, etc…but the fact is, it is often an ongoing struggle for control of our minds, hearts and souls betwen God, the devil, and us.
The wonderful news is that the Good Lord is aware of all of this. Believe me, it ain’t nothin’ He ain’t seen before. I’m not trying to minimize it or excuse it, I’m just pointing out that God loves you, always has, always will. We often can’t really help the things that come pouring out of our hearts…even Jesus said that when he said that (I’m paraphrashing here, I don’t recall the quote exactly), “Out of the heart come murder, adultery, blasphemy, evil thoughts. These are the things that defile a man.”
This is one reason the Sacrament of Confession is so, so important. It provides another opportunity for the Holy Spirit, blessed is He, to cleanse us and work on our insides. Thank God! This is also another reason why communion is so, so important. It provides another opportunity to be filled with Jesus, and to be strengthened in the spiritual man against that man of sin we all deal with.
Continued…
