Spirituality and piety in married/family life

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I am recently married, and have felt the tremendous graces that come with marriage… All of the graces and little changes within me, that are not simply circumstantial, but divine! I have one child (never married before), so it is not just my husband and I. We are open to life, and have had one miscarriage. I enjoy contemplative prayer, silence, and an intimate relationship with God, however I am struggling to bring Catholicism into my outward life, into my home and family life. I would much rather sit in silence all day with our Lord, be in adoration, or walk in nature alone and just be with Him, and so bringing my faith into my “outward world” if you will, is a challenge. I feel our home is spiritually lacking or devoid. I struggle with instilling it in my child. This is in part to me becoming more and more introverted, and finding that words cheapen things. I am happy to sit in communion with my child without words, understanding the mutual love between us. I just do not know how to go about making my home more Holy, more Catholic, more like the living Gospel. Also, my introversion and going deeper into my introversion has left little energy to use on my outward spiritual life as well. I am most comfortable with the interior. Any advice?
 
You are probably already aware that your home is a domestic church, so if you haven’t had it blessed, ask your priest to bless it. I have a friend whose home exudes such serenity. I told her how whenever I visited her, I felt a sense of peacefulness. She didn’t hesitate for a moment, she said, “That’s because the Holy Spirit resides here.” A crucifix over the door in your entry area is a wonderful reminder that your family and visitors are blessed in their coming in and in their going out. If you have a small area, even a single chair, that you can dedicate for reading scripture and praying, that would be nice. It doesn’t matter if it has to do double duty at other times as the chair where you watch tv.

Also, I was wondering whether you were a new mother, since it’s rare to have such quiet communion where Mother and child can merely be in the presence of one another without words. I’d say thank God and enjoy whatever time you have like that.

As far as your introversion, maybe it’s just a time you’ve been blessed with at this particular time in life.
 
kah07 said:
I am recently married, and have felt the tremendous graces that come with marriage… All of the graces and little changes within me, that are not simply circumstantial, but divine! I have one child (never married before), so it is not just my husband and I. We are open to life, and have had one miscarriage. I enjoy contemplative prayer, silence, and an intimate relationship with God, however I am struggling to bring Catholicism into my outward life, into my home and family life. I would much rather sit in silence all day with our Lord, be in adoration, or walk in nature alone and just be with Him, and so bringing my faith into my “outward world” if you will, is a challenge. I feel our home is spiritually lacking or devoid. I struggle with instilling it in my child. This is in part to me becoming more and more introverted, and finding that words cheapen things. I am happy to sit in communion with my child without words, understanding the mutual love between us. I just do not know how to go about making my home more Holy, more Catholic, more like the living Gospel. Also, my introversion and going deeper into my introversion has left little energy to use on my outward spiritual life as well. I am most comfortable with the interior. Any advice?
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I am also a contemplative who has a wife and one three year old daughter. Could you expand on what you mean by bringing Catholicism into your home and also what you mean by your home being empty? I am just wondering before I respond so I don’t respond accurately.
 
My child is young school age, but an old soul, to answer the first question. To answer the second question of what do I mean by bringing Catholicism into my home, I guess I just look at the homes and families of friends where the Catholicism is SO internalized into every child and everything that they do revolves around their faith and their children, young and adult are SO pious and saint like, and I desire that for my family. These families not bizarre or over zealous (I know people like that), but living well-ordered lives. I guess really now that I’m thinking about it, while I’m more contemplative and introverted, I do struggle with worldliness and distraction. I find it difficult to focus on the more material parts of our faith like devotions and rote prayer, etc… It is easiest for me to just be silent with God in adoration or walk with Him in nature and talk to Him with my words, or just speak to Him with my heart and to let Him do the same. When I am “in the world” I always have His presence, but just struggle with worldliness. How do I instill a great love and devotion to the faith in my child?That’s the million dollar question, but I’m always open to different ideas! I used to be the biggest extrovert, but it was before I had any real interior life, and it frankly wasn’t healthy. Now all I can really do is just live in my own world with God. I am not sure what this means. Anyone else experience this?
 
Ok so here is what I am thinking. As I read your post I start to think I understand where you are coming from and then you say something else that makes me think I do not understand so I am going to give you some feedback but take it with a grain of salt because I am not sure I am understanding fully where you are coming from.

First and this doesn’t need to be taken with a grain of salt. I think you need to get a spiritual advisor who is a contemplative. I had to search a while before I found one. Mine is a Trappist monk who is contemplative. You need someone who you can talk to about all of this (especially the part about struggling with the world) who understands both the contemplative path and the sacred nature of the married life.

There is something there in what you say on this subject that suggests some kind of disorder like maybe you have gotten stuck in interiority in a way that is not healthy for you and your state in life as a mother and wife. If so you’ll need to find a balance without losing the contemplative dimension.

Secondly if you really are living the kind of interior life with God that you describe then you are underestimating the power of it and the effect that it is having on your daughter. I also have very simple and wonderful moments and days with my daughter where it is all about touch, and connection, all while “being” in Gods power. From the outside it looks like we are not doing much but on the inside we are sharing in a life of contemplative love for one another and for God. I can tell you that this is having a very real and profound effect on your daughter and she is lucky to have a mother who is in this kind of a place (so long as you are not neglectful of other kinds of things like just having real fun with her too.)

It would be a mistake to think that more outward signs of devotion would be “proof” of a more Catholic or Christian life-- remember Mary and Martha. However we are not monks or nuns so our contemplative life is the foundation of our very important holy life “in the world.”

There is a lot in the stuff you mention that speaks to me of the need for balance but this balance cannot be imposed by the mind from the outside-- it has to be brought into effect by God in you. Pray and ask for help with all of this and give God permission to change your heart and mind in any way God sees fit. God will.

Ok let me know what you think.
 
Have you considered joining a 3rd order? Carmelites or Benedictines maybe. 😉
 
To franklinstower, yes, I think there is some disorder and that there needs to be more of a balance being a wife and mother with the contemplative aspect. I understand the faith and the church’s teachings and apologetics and how important it should be, but I have a very difficult time verbalizing it. Before my interior life had really developed, all I could do was verbalize the faith because I was so excited that it was so logical and that I had found truth, but again, with no interior life, all I could do was bash people over the head with all of my apologetics! Now I couldn’t explain all of it if I wanted to, even though I know the reasons. I guess I just can tell that my child is missing something with the faith, maybe an interior life or true desire to be pious, even though she acknowledges that it is true and right and loves God, and I know it is because I have been lacking in something. What do you think about TV? I have such a hard time keeping the TV off in the house (we homeschool) and the second I leave the room it is on. It kills me. I am thinking of getting rid of it.

I have a spiritual director who is an oratorian, and he is a contemplative. Under him, my interior life has deepened and I’ve gotten to know God’s love more deeply, and something we were talking about was living a well-ordered life (doing what you should and letting the rest fall into place), verses a doctrinal life (running around trying and proclaiming to live a certain way that you think is best). So many people run around trying to be St. Francis or St. Teresa of Avila, but all those saints did was be themselves. He has let me know that it’s OKAY to have my own spirituality that doesn’t reflect another order or saint, and actually, that’s more the oratorian spirituality: find your own spirituality, and live it! They’re not trying to keep anyone in a box. No funny unorthodox stuff, but they’re not out there trying to mold lay people or religious into anything other than who God intends them to be.

Honestly, thank you for your answers. I am so grateful to you all for your time and thoughtfulness.
 
Also, me being so easily distracted, I am not sure I answered the question or responded properly. My mind can and usually goes in 40 directions at once.
 
The more I read your posts the more I think we have in common.

I don’t know you very well and something keeps telling me to say that when I post to you. I feel like I am missing some information but here goes anyway.

On the subject of your child-- how old is she anyway? It is my belief that you cannot successfully force or coerce your child into being more devoted to religion and Christ. All you can do is set the very best example that you can and really work at that part, on becoming more and more deeply spiritual in all areas. Your child has to make their own choices.

I have counseled many people who were raised in very religious families and there were many subtle and sometimes not so subtle attempt to make them be more religious-- all this does is cause pain in the long run in my opinion. I would call much of this religious abuse-- you cannot force someone to give their will and life to God. It often looks really good on the surface.

So far as TV goes we have set the limit at an hour a day of TV for her, and then thats it-- no more. It is my job to be a good parent and be with my child, reading to her, talking to her, loving her. Television is an absolute killer of any really good chance for deep connection with my daughter. I pray every day for God to give me the strength and devotion and Love to chose my daughter and time with her over selfish interests. She is the center of my life (outside of God of course) and if I keep that very close to my heart and if I am in prayer without ceasing when I am with her, when my central intent is to be a channel of Gods love for her all day long-- then I am a good father because God comes through me into her. I usually spend the whole hour where she gets to watch TV in prayer. I just put in ear plugs and sit in the living room and recharge!
 
franklinstower said:
It is my belief that you cannot successfully force or coerce your child into being more devoted to religion and Christ. All you can do is set the very best example that you can and really work at that part, on becoming more and more deeply spiritual in all areas. Your child has to make their own choices.

I have counseled many people who were raised in very religious families and there were many subtle and sometimes not so subtle attempt to make them be more religious-- all this does is cause pain in the long run in my opinion. I would call much of this religious abuse-- you cannot force someone to give their will and life to God. It often looks really good on the surface.
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I wholeheartedly agree…

I sympathize in many ways - I went through an extremely quiet/contemplative time during high school with a lot of the same thoughts and emotions. As my life has rolled on I’ve had many different “seasons” of spirituality - some rich, some very dry, some very quiet/contemplative, some very outgoing and “in action”… now, looking back, I see the pros/cons of each type… as we are human, our spirituality will never be perfected while still here on Earth, as much as we try to scratch the surface.

As I look back on my more contemplative times I see one of the biggest things I struggled with was “control”… and I didn’t see it at the time. I WANTED… no, NEEDED PEACE… and I was going to get it any way I could - if that meant making the rest of the family sacrifice with no TV/radio/computer, so be it.
So in many ways I’ve learned that contemplation has to come from within, REGARDLESS of what outside disturbances or annoyances are happening. And when you can achieve this - the EXAMPLE of living a peaceful life <<>> will teach your children far more than to “school”/coerce/force them into understanding.
 
Family prayers…

For example

In addition to their own personal prayers (I do not know the age of your child etc)

Morning, Noon and Evening: pray the “Our Father” and the “Angelus” --as a family. One can have a little oratory -a room or corner or even particular wall with a Crucifix on it --where you all go together to pray and even if your out somewhere you pause to pray.

Our Family prays the Our Father and a short prayer and the Angelus and the Glory be and a short prayer at these times.

In the Early Church in various places they prayed the Our Father 3 times daily like this and in the middle ages the angelus began to be developed and the Church prays that 3 times a day…

And on Sundays have other things such as a reading from the Scriptures.

One could pray the rosary or a litany on certain days etc. Special prayers for seasons (even those “short prayers” which can be added to the end of the other prayers three times a day like “Come Lord Jesus” etc)

But do not “do too much” as a family (no adding devotion and practice upon devotion and practice) --something that can be done consistently.

And teach your child (again the age?) little prayers to pray during the day when they want – short prayers (Jesus I love you or Jesus, I believe in you, I hope in you, I love you etc)–spontaneously.

For yourself - those short prayers will be of great help during the whole day and very helpful during your work (tasks with Children etc) - they help keep our hearts turned towards the Lord (Conversi ad Dominum) and are a very ancient monastic approach.
 
Everybody’s replies have been so helpful and great eye-opening reminders. It was a good reminder to hear that there is nothing I can “make happen” to set the faith on fire in my child. I’ve always known and believed that but haven’t kept that at the forefront of my mind lately. My child just turned 8 for those who wanted to know. The thoughts on tv were helpful, and the prayer suggestions. I’ve always shied away from routine because on some bizarre level I hate conformity and being able to be nailed down to something. This on top of having become more introverted and contemplative over the past two years has made me very loopy and forgetful and scatter-brained. I’ve always been a fly by the seat of my pants person, but I feel lately I’ve just been even more checked out of reality and in my own place with God. Anyway, back to routine, it is so important to have things that we do together with some consistency. I’ve always tried to do different things everyday, which doesn’t make a lot of sense. Another helpful thing to remember is for me not to worry and do my best and keep trying to be better through the sacraments and penance and mortification and to trust God with my daughter. If I love her and I trust in His love for her and me, and I’m doing my best to fulfill His will and glorify Him through her, then it will not be in vain. Thank you everyone, especially franklintowers who has been so helpful and patient! In some unknown way I do think we are kindred spirits franklin. Thank you!

Again, sorry if this didn’t make sense. With my mind always in 40 different directions on top of being extra forgetful and not all there lately, I tried!
 
kah07 said:
Everybody’s replies have been so helpful and great eye-opening reminders. It was a good reminder to hear that there is nothing I can “make happen” to set the faith on fire in my child. I’ve always known and believed that but haven’t kept that at the forefront of my mind lately. My child just turned 8 for those who wanted to know. The thoughts on tv were helpful, and the prayer suggestions. I’ve always shied away from routine because on some bizarre level I hate conformity and being able to be nailed down to something. This on top of having become more introverted and contemplative over the past two years has made me very loopy and forgetful and scatter-brained. I’ve always been a fly by the seat of my pants person, but I feel lately I’ve just been even more checked out of reality and in my own place with God. Anyway, back to routine, it is so important to have things that we do together with some consistency. I’ve always tried to do different things everyday, which doesn’t make a lot of sense. Another helpful thing to remember is for me not to worry and do my best and keep trying to be better through the sacraments and penance and mortification and to trust God with my daughter. If I love her and I trust in His love for her and me, and I’m doing my best to fulfill His will and glorify Him through her, then it will not be in vain. Thank you everyone, especially franklintowers who has been so helpful and patient! In some unknown way I do think we are kindred spirits franklin. Thank you!

Again, sorry if this didn’t make sense. With my mind always in 40 different directions on top of being extra forgetful and not all there lately, I tried!
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You are making perfect sense. My daughter has created a lot of routine on our lives and I usually let her sort of dictate how our day goes. I am very much a believer in not deciding what to do with my head but just allowing God to work through me moment to moment. I am more effective living in this way than if I were trying to dictate it with dogma or mind. I have tried both. My wife is the opposite however and they have a lot of routines that they do on a day to day basis so I feel like my daughter is getting the best of both worlds.

My wife and I are so different and I feel like that is a blessing for out daughter.
 
I am the same way in terms of leaving each moment to God. I married someone who is not a planner, but it is not by choice (lol), so there is almost no routine and there could stand to be some more. It is interesting to reflect upon that most couples I know have some opposite balance like you and your wife… Makes me wonder about my marriage lol.
 
kah07 said:
I am the same way in terms of leaving each moment to God. I married someone who is not a planner, but it is not by choice (lol), so there is almost no routine and there could stand to be some more. It is interesting to reflect upon that most couples I know have some opposite balance like you and your wife… Makes me wonder about my marriage lol.
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Thats what grace is for!
 
kah07 said:
I am the same way in terms of leaving each moment to God. I married someone who is not a planner, but it is not by choice (lol), so there is almost no routine and there could stand to be some more. It is interesting to reflect upon that most couples I know have some opposite balance like you and your wife… Makes me wonder about my marriage lol.
Click to expand...
Thats what grace is for!
 
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