Spiritually - what to do?

[dawnklement]

My husband has narcissistic tendencies the results of which have really affected our marriage, he still refuses to see his role, I am the scapegoat for whatever mood he is in. He is open to counselling but in the meantime, I feel scared and don’t trust him, I offer this all up to God and I prayed for whatever is in the darkness to come to light, our marriage therapist offered her opinion that he isn’t unwilling to change but unable, I feel frustrated because I know we can be in a healthier happier place, so what to do, or rather what should I be praying for? - Thank you!!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Is he open to counselling to fix YOU or to fix him?

If the counselor says he’s not able to change, then take her seriously.

Those of us who have been in narcissistic unions also knew that there was some happy wonderful place over the rainbow that we could be at if only our spouse could see and appreciate how hard we were trying.

But it always seemed to be our fault when it didn’t work.

If you stay with him, we’ll still be around 5 years from now for you to come back and say you don’t believe in God anymore, because why would a loving God not answer your prayers, and the shreds that are left of your heart and soul might be able to be stitched back together in an approximate facsimile of the person you used to be.

Pray for wisdom for yourself. You can offer your soul on an altar like burnt sacrifice for your husband’s conversion. But he has free will. When you get tired of being the scapegoat for everything wrong in his life, maybe you’ll find the strength to leave. A real marriage doesn’t leave you scared and untrusting.

Don’t ignore those feelings. Trust yourself and your instincts.

Sigh. I’ll go find the thread. It should be permanently bookmarked up at the top.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=249609&highlight=narcissistic

Here you go. You are like lots of us devout Catholics who end up here at our wits’ ends because our basic innate tendency toward self preservation conflicts with the idealism of living for others and the mutual sacrifice that goes into a marriage, and the two becoming one.

Problem is, with a narcissist, the sacrifice is all one-sided. And when the two become one, you are both expected to become “him.”

Do not underestimate the power of self doubt and the effect on your own trust in God a lifetime with a person like this can inflict on you. And if you haven’t yet, be very careful before you breed with this man.

Very careful. They make horrible ex husbands who use your own children to control you long after they want nothing to do with you personally.

 

[whatevergirl]

***Trust Liberano’s advice.

I’m sorry things are so hard on you and your marriage right now…I’ll be praying for you. ***

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I’ll tell you what’s insidious about these NPD personalities… when you sit down and try to explain why your marriage is bad, you can’t come up with any one thing specifically that doesn’t sound like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

It’s like trying to grasp quicksilver to describe to someone who hasn’t lived with your husband what it’s like.

But the problem is, you’re living with the sum total effect of sharing a life with a person who makes EVERY DECISION first based on what is good for HIM. He is his own god. He will not serve. In some ways you are staring into the face of evil itself, like Satan who also said those words. But it doesn’t look evil to the rest of the world. He looks quite innocent. After years of twisting yourself into a psychological pretzel to make it work with his everchanging moods, YOU look like the nut. And he knows it. And uses that against you. What’s your problem? Other women would be grateful to have a wonderful man like him. You just don’t appreciate how lucky you are. He works his fingers to the bone to provide a wonderful life for you. You ingrate.

Yeah, try explaining why your soul wants to die to someone who doesn’t live with him.

I’ll pray for wisdom for you.

 

[dawnklement]

Thank you so much for your insights. I am so sorry that you experienced that but it is comforting that somebody else knows what I am dealing with. He is going to individual counselling to work on himself. So for now I giving this over to God, I have run out of strength, or rather I have realized that this relationship has drained too much of my energy which should be directed towards my three beautiful children and also remembering and caring/nurturing myself, something I haven’t done in a long time. He had a terrible childhood and as yet won’t even look at that, but are marriage therapist is an insightful lady and she recommended I give it another go to see for sure. I feel like I am starting to get my wits about me again and I am praying for strength and also to remain true to who I am and try not to focus on what I am not as per him, thanks and blessings to you, Dawn