Spiritually Worried

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Nickkname

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First off, I know the old saying: “Worry is useless. Only pray.”

But it seems like I worry so much! I worry that death will catch me by surprise, and I won’t get to go heaven. I am a poor sinner, and I feel like, because of my innumerable sins, I’ll go to hell. This thought - of damning myself - frightens me for three reasons:
  • I fear the pains of hell and the loss of heaven
  • Jesus is sorrowful unto death for every soul that goes to hell. I don’t want to make Jesus suffer!
  • I want to be with God for all of eternity
I know that no sin is too great for God’s infinite Mercy, and I know that it is by his grace that we are saved, but, I feal that, because I am a sinner, when death comes, I won’t accept his Mercy - I feel that, in a fit of hatred, I’ll reject God and so damn myself to hell.

But, at the same time, I trust in God. He loves me, he is Love and Mercy itself. I know he wills nobody to hell. I so wish I could put all my trust in him, but the flame of love of my heart is so very, very tiny, like a little candle. I feel like I do not trust the Lord as I should - I see my fear and I fear that it is because I distrust and hate God. And this worries me, and makes me feel…damn-able.

I’m sorry if this makes no sense, I just had to get this off my chest. I know that as Christians we are called to not seek comfort but to comfort, and that we must bear our crosses with patience in the Lord, who is infinitely patient - even infinitely patient with us - but I just had to let this know. I guess what I really seek is guidance, direction. But I can’t get spiritual direction offline right now, so I have to seek it online. Yes, Jesus is the Consolation of man, the Source of every Goodness, and I should be praying to him instead of typing, but I also feel the need to type…I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because there are others like me who need to hear these words as well, that they may know they are not alone…ah, Lord, how strange - yet wise! - are your ways! I know not your ways, Lord, but I trust in you, for you are Love and Truth!
 
Mary, my Mother, I cry out to you! I remember your words: “Do not be afraid, I and my Son will be with you always, even to the end”. I believe you, Mary, I know you would not and could not lie. O Mary, your faith in God is so great that you can not only move mountains but the whole Creation - please pray for me to the Lord our God, that I may have as much faith as you do, that I may be a true child of God. Please, my Mother, pray for me - for the sake of the sorrowful Passion of your Son, Jesus, pray - pray for me!

Oh but not my will, but God’s will be done. I am the servant of the Lord - Lord, let it be done to me according to your word. Amen!
 
I hear you.

In the absence of spiritual direction, don’t underestimate the value of spiritual reading! The writings of St. Josemaria Escriva come to mind in this case, for some reason. He had a good deal of practical knowledge to apply in these areas and many others that you will find useful. I recommend The Way, The Furrow, and *The Forge. *

The writings of the Saints are always helpful during times of worry, and Sacred Scripture is vital!

I will pray for you.

mary
 
Nickkname said:
But, at the same time, I trust in God. He loves me, he is Love and Mercy itself. I know he wills nobody to hell. I so wish I could put all my trust in him, but the flame of love of my heart is so very, very tiny, like a little candle. I feel like I do not trust the Lord as I should - I see my fear and I fear that it is because I distrust and hate God. And this worries me, and makes me feel…damn-able.
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Dear Nickname,

I don’t think the problem is that you distrust and hate God. I think the problem is you don’t trust God enough.

One way to increase that flame of love is through prayer - specifically asking God to help you trust and love Him more. No way He’d say “no” to that prayer!

A few things for you to ponder:

Know Who You Are in Christ
Scroll down to Step 5 of the link above.

God Loves You
by Jaci Velasquez
God’s Answers:
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You say: It’s impossible.
God says: With Me, all things are possible. (Luke 18:27)
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You say: I’m too tired.
God says: I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28-30)
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You say: Nobody really loves me.
God says: I love you. (John 3:16 & John 3:34 )
Click to expand...
You say: I can’t go on.
God says: My grace is sufficient. (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
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You say: I can’t figure things out.
God says: I will direct your steps. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Click to expand...
You say: I can’t do it.
God says: You can do all things. (Philippians 4:13)
Click to expand...
You say: I’m not able.
God says: I am able. (II Corinthians 9:8)
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You say: It’s not worth it.
God says: It will be worth it. (Roman 8:28 )
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You say: I can’t forgive myself.
God says: I forgive you. (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
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You say: I can’t manage.
God says: I will supply all your needs. (Philippians 4:19)
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You say: I’m afraid.
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear. (II Timothy 1:7)
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You say: I’m always worried and frustrated.
God says: Cast all your cares on Me. (I Peter 5:7)
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You say: I’m not smart enough.
God says: I give you wisdom. (I Corinthians 1:30)
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You say: I feel all alone.
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)
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Beckymarie, reading your list, of God’s responses, all I could think was, “Wow!”

“Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” [Psalm 43:1] “I shall cleanse you of all your defilement and all your idols. I shall give you a new heart…I shall put my spirit in you…You shall be my people and I shall be your God.” [Ezekiel 36:25-26, 29] “I will smelt away your dross in the furnace; I will remove all your base metal from you.” [Isaiah 1:25]

If we say we have no sin in us, we are deceiving ourselves…but if we acknowledge our sins, then God who is faithful and just will forgive our sins and purify us from everything that is wrong.” [1John 1:8-10] “Jesus Christ…is the sacrifice that takes our sins away, and not only ours, but the whole world.” [1John 2:1-2]
Our God, You sent Your Son “into the world, not to condemn the world, but so that through Him the world might be saved. No one who believes in Him will be condemned.” [John 3:17-18]

You assure us through Isaiah, our God,
“I have dispelled your faults like a cloud
your sins like a mist
Come back to me, for I have redeemed you.” [Isaiah 44:22]

Furthermore, You proclaim:
“Happy those whose crimes are forgiven, whose sins are blotted out; happy the man whom the Lord considers sinless.” [Psalm 31:1-2] For through Your Son, You have “cancelled every record of the debt that we had to pay; He has done away with it by nailing it to the cross.” [Colossians 2:14-15]

Therefore, our God it is not presumptuous to ask that we may be healed of our faults and freed from our sin. Indeed, You have said:
“No need to recall the past,
no need to think about what was before.
See I am doing a new deed,
even now, it comes to light; can you not see it?
Yes, I am making a road in the wilderness,
paths in the wild.” [Isaiah 43:18-19]

Although we must strive through the Spirit to walk the way of Your Son, You assure us that we are not alone or dependent upon our efforts alone:
“For I, Yahweh, your God,
I am holding you by the right hand;
I tell you, do not be afraid, I will help you.
Do not be afraid…poor worm…
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer.” [Isaiah 41:13-14]
 
No advice to give, but will pray for the virtue of hope to be strengthened for you, and the patience to bear this suffering of yours.

Blessings—
 
Thank you, everyone, for your words, and especially your prayers. God bless.
 
Prayers that The Lord will release you from these sufferings, which even though you cannot see it, reveals your great love of God and He sees and knows this far better than we who only read and are moved…Barb
 
Nickkname said:
First off, I know the old saying: “Worry is useless. Only pray.”

But it seems like I worry so much! I worry that death will catch me by surprise, and I won’t get to go heaven. I am a poor sinner, and I feel like, because of my innumerable sins, I’ll go to hell. This thought - of damning myself - frightens me for three reasons:
  • I fear the pains of hell and the loss of heaven
  • Jesus is sorrowful unto death for every soul that goes to hell. I don’t want to make Jesus suffer!
  • I want to be with God for all of eternity
I know that no sin is too great for God’s infinite Mercy, and I know that it is by his grace that we are saved, but, I feal that, because I am a sinner, when death comes, I won’t accept his Mercy - I feel that, in a fit of hatred, I’ll reject God and so damn myself to hell.

But, at the same time, I trust in God. He loves me, he is Love and Mercy itself. I know he wills nobody to hell. I so wish I could put all my trust in him, but the flame of love of my heart is so very, very tiny, like a little candle. I feel like I do not trust the Lord as I should - I see my fear and I fear that it is because I distrust and hate God. And this worries me, and makes me feel…damn-able.

I’m sorry if this makes no sense, I just had to get this off my chest. I know that as Christians we are called to not seek comfort but to comfort, and that we must bear our crosses with patience in the Lord, who is infinitely patient - even infinitely patient with us - but I just had to let this know. I guess what I really seek is guidance, direction. But I can’t get spiritual direction offline right now, so I have to seek it online. Yes, Jesus is the Consolation of man, the Source of every Goodness, and I should be praying to him instead of typing, but I also feel the need to type…I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because there are others like me who need to hear these words as well, that they may know they are not alone…ah, Lord, how strange - yet wise! - are your ways! I know not your ways, Lord, but I trust in you, for you are Love and Truth!
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I think you are in the company of many of the great Saints who, while bringing others to Christ, were so acutely aware of their own sinfulness that they feared for their own salvation. This led them to abandon their own resources and become utterly dependent on Christ, trusting only in His Mercy to save them.

This, of course, is what should happen to a Christian. As we grow in our Faith, God uncovers and reveals our sinfulness to us, like peeling off the layers of an onion. We become aware of what we were not aware of before, and we become aware of the utter futility of trying to save ourselves. St. Paul speaks of this problem in his own life, when he says that he does the things he does not want to do, and that only Christ can save him (in a broad paraphrase).

So you most certainly are not alone, and indeed are on the right path.
 
Hi ‘Nickkname’…praying for you. The verses below will help you…memorize them and repeat them in moments of weakness. This method has helped me battle my fears.

'There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

‘If we confess our sins, he who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness’ 1 John 1:9

"I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more’. Isaiah 45:25

This is what the LORD says—
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel…
I am the LORD, your Holy One,
Israel’s Creator, your King…"
Code: 
  he who made a way through the sea, 
   a path through the mighty waters, 
    "Forget the former things; 
   do not dwell on the past. Isaiah 45:14-18
God bless you. Trust Him.
 
i too have experienced the fear you describe. some days it is a little nagging at my heart, other days it is an overwhelming terror strangling my heart. i also wonder, if i can’t even pass the tiny, meager tests of every day life, how will i ever be able to pass the final test? i have said in another thread, it is not God i distrust, but myself. i am thoroughly convinced, though, that there are some very powerful prayers going up to heaven for you right now, from the very devout people on this forum. the only advice i can give you, and this has helped me, is ask for prayers from others, keep to the sacraments, and visit Christ in the Eucharist often (perpetual adoration, if you have that available).
 
You have a normal fear of condemnation - a fear of God - and in a way that we’ve been taught is “imperfect contrition” (fearing/not committing sin due to punishment) - but guess what? That’s acceptable for salvation !

You also seem to have a deep love for Our Lord, His Suffering and a desire not to offend Him. You not only have a fear of punishment but a desire to be with God forever…don’t we all ! (I often say, even if it’s some dusty corner in Heaven, I’ll be happy so long as I make it in !) I’m scared, too ! And I do trust in God.

You’re just a worrier, like me. I, too, fear eternal punishment. And once I lost my parents, it took on a greater significance than all I’d been taught many years ago. Suddenly, I realized that their souls are SOMEWHERE - but where? While everyone was saying they’re not suffering anymore, was it Heaven, Purgatory (or worse)? Their bodies are dead and not suffering - but what about their souls? What do their souls look like? I wouldn’t know them anymore. Are my prayers helping them? CAN my prayers help them anymore? It drives me crazy with grief and concern…While I always believed and understood what I was taught, it became more tangible with these two souls - who had been closest to me in life. And everyone has told me to trust in Jesus’ Mercy…making me feel ashamed but I DO trust in Jesus’ Mercy…I don’t trust humans ! I don’t know what God’s Judgement was. And I need to know that my parents are safe. So, I’m very much like you. When it gets really personal, it takes on a whole new dimension from the Catechism - even though we understand and believe what we’ve learned.

You said you should be praying instead of typing here - but maybe God sent you here - for advice from fellow Catholics and Christians. (My guess is you ran to a prayer book as soon as signing off your computer !) You came here for religious advice, concerned that you’re not penitent enough, doing enough, praying enough - God sees this. He sees your desires and waits for your next effort at prayer - big or small.

My BIGGEST concern is your statement that you “distrust and hate God”. ??? Why? What has brought that feeling / thought about? This is what you should be working on - discussing with a confessor. But first, you have to be honest with yourself. You have displayed contradictions - an imperfect contrition in that you trust in Jesus and don’t want to hurt Him but at the same time don’t trust His Father in Heaven…this is what you must be honest in asking yourself about.
 
This is not a long encyclical as encyclical’s can go…32 pagesin a Word Document…and it is not hard to understand. But more than worth the read and explains beautifully how God’s Justice is transcended by His Love which says to His Justice “Stop” as He goes out to His children in Loving Mercy driven by His Love for His children (my explanation:D ). It does draw heavily on the Parable of the Prodigal Son. It is well worth a read:

Pope John Paul 1980 on the Mercy of God
ewtn.com/library/ENCYC/JP2RICH.HTM
 
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